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Nothingness

by Gravitem


I wished for forever

But I couldn’t fathom

The load on my shoulders,

A fruit of my want.

And as I bit into

The bitterness it carried,

The paper crumbled

And I fell into forever.

I knew now what it meant

A reflection of my conscience,

Dark and endless.

The light trapped in amethysts

Was the scope of my vision.

But as I walked

I tripped on some switches

And light came crashing down

Like Jacob’s ladder.

The infinite black had now passed out of time

The strength of my dreams,

Frozen by the night.

Abstract as the hands that did write,

The complexity of my life,

In a few lines.

This black ink - the absence of light,

Irony’s mischief on the luminous white.


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Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:50 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello my writing buddy! XP Flames here to drop off a review! Nothing big.

Okay lets get started.

This is sooo deep, I can feel all the emotion and dark feeling that were put into this, it is rather hard to explain if I'm honest! There is a lot of descriptive words in here allowing me to have a good image of that is going on, and how it is playing out, if that even makes any scene.
I like how you have written this, all the sentences are about the same length, and all the commas are in the right place to give this peace a good flow.
I will say you are way better at writing poems than I am. Though I would have been really amazed if this all rimes, but that's asking a but much, no?

Anyway I'm glad to see you are out of this dark faze! :D And I do hope you will write more like this! Its really good, a I'm looking forward to seeing more! Have a great day or night.

Your friend, writing partner and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix, the one and only!
XP




Gravitem says...


EEK THANK YOU FEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





No problem at al!



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Sat Apr 11, 2020 12:07 am
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StarlitMind wrote a review...



This is a really beautiful poem! You had an idea and made it tangible and visible. My favorite lines were the first eight. You mentioned in your description that this was a poem you wrote in your dark tines. I do hope you are feeling better! I know it gets hard sometimes, but the hurt does go away. It's always nice to put your feelings down on paper, to turn pain into something hauntingly beautiful, like you just did. I really enjoyed reading this poem, so thank you for sharing it :)




Gravitem says...


Thanks :). I do feel better now. And you're absolutely right. It's always good to put your feelings on paper. I feel that most of my writing is influenced by my emotions. It really helps. Thanks again!!



StarlitMind says...


I%u2019m glad to hear that. Of course! :)



Gravitem says...


^^



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Thu Apr 02, 2020 7:07 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Gravitem!

My name is Elinor, and I wanted to drop by to give your poem a quick review. I really enjoyed reading it, and I think overall you were able to convey the message of making things immortal through art really effectively. I like that you touch on what an author feels as they write.

I will echo Katteex's comments about making the transition to this being about writing smoother. Also, I really like your opening line, but thought you could have incorporated it a bit more into the rest of the poem, this idea that time is fleeting but is immortalized in the stories that we tell.

Overall though, great work! Hope this helps! Keep writing, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Cheers,
Elinor




Gravitem says...


Thanks. I will work on the currently isolated opening line.



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Wed Apr 01, 2020 10:57 pm
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Katteex wrote a review...



Hello there!

I planned to create a review for your poem, especially as a thank you for reviewing mine's. However, I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo yesterday so I focused more on it. Anyway, enough of the excuses!

Your poem is beautiful, oh my goodness! I tried to digest your poem by analyzing it word for word and based on my understanding, it's about wanting something, yet the consequences of that desire is bitter. Also, your desire somehow reflects your "guilty conscience."

It all came together when you started mentioning "ink" and "write" that you were pertaining to writing and the pleasure that comes with it. I love the poem really! It's hard to find poem's these days that you have to analyze before you get what they're trying to say. So far, poems I've read were too direct so this was refreshing.

I commend the use of the amethyst stone. It means purification from the guilt, right? It also stands out from the poem, because everything else written alludes to a black and white setting, but amethyst was violet/purple -- it was the outlier.

My only concern would be the transition or at least a smooth exposition before revealing that this was about writing. I guess you could start hinting what your poem was from the very start. For example, instead of "the ground crumbled" why not "the paper crumbled."

Furthermore, the consistency on the part where you try to approach the light on the amethyst to the part

The strength of my dreams, Thawed by the light.


During the amethyst part, it felt like you were looking for some sort of purification so that's why you were trying to approach it. However, the quote above seems to contradict what you're trying to say. Is it intentional? If not, then I think you might need to revise this quote. It was like you were trying to look for purification, but when you had it, your dreams were ruined? You should clarify whether you want the light, the dark, or both.

best regards,

kattee




Gravitem says...


I think I do need to revise my poem! After all this was my FIRST DRAFT XD. Anyway, thanks. I love the idea of "paper crumbled" :). Thanks for reviewing my poem!!!



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Wed Apr 01, 2020 5:28 pm
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EthanHoover says...



Wow, a great poem here! Very powerful, and I found it deeply relatable. I have nothing to critique on, so I'm not going to make this into a review, but well done!





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