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Sugar and Price

by LadyGemstone


They say girls are made of sugar spice and all that's nice

but if that is true

then who am I and who are you

because on my world for the sweet the sour and the power there is price

we all from time to time don't know what to do

and we all get caged like we are in a zoo

so when the world has you in its vice

don't just sit and stew

find something that can help you and others too


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Points: 200
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Tue Feb 25, 2020 6:14 pm
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Arayna says...



very Nice Story. Pain Of The Girl -beautifully expressed




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209 Reviews


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Reviews: 209

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Sat Dec 14, 2019 6:18 pm
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EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
So true <3 I love this

Nitpicks & Grammar
Nothing to critique here

Style & Flow
First of all I'd change the way this poem is structured, particularly these stanzas-

but if that is true

then who am I and who are you

I feel like that would flow better if you made it one stanza and shortened it.

Secant this line needs to be simplified
because on my world for the sweet the sour and the power there is price

Way too complicated. (But soooo true <3) You just have to take out the ''on my world '', it would read like this-
Because for the sweet and sour and the power there is a price

See the difference?

Other then that you did really well. (I love your rhyming scheme here as well <333)

Overall
This was a beautiful poem, that contains universal truths that need to be recognized. Thank you for posting this, and PLEASE post again!


EverLight out




LadyGemstone says...


<3



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91 Reviews


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Thu Nov 07, 2019 8:07 pm
dahlia58 wrote a review...



"Find something that can help you and others too." That's the best advice I've heard in a while. And like you said, girls aren't made of sugar and spice, at least not necessarily. The only thing I would suggest changing in this poem would be to replace "on my world" with "in my world." I take this work to mean that it's okay if you're feeling down, just don't let the world get the better of you. I was having a bad day, but this poem cheered me up a bit.

Thank you very much^^




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8 Reviews


Points: 97
Reviews: 8

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Wed Nov 06, 2019 2:49 pm
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LilyPhelen wrote a review...



I see that you enjoy rhyming in you poems, I just feel as if the line "because on my world for the sweet and the sour and the power there is price" seems a bit longer or more complicated than need be. Also you say, "so when the world has you in its vice, don't just sit and stew" which I feel breaks your rhyming pattern in a way that just throws the reader off slightly.
Other than that however I enjoy this poem a lot, I like the idea that people are known to be kind, then they should continue to act kind. The idea of just sitting and pretending to be something your not. I also like your use of common phrases to urge us to do something better for others. I enjoyed this overall and I believe I would like to read some of your other works. Keep writing, I'd like to see more poetry from you in the future.




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you.




What's stopping you?
— David Mamet