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How do you?

by MiniGem26


How do you, act so stupid, when I know you're smart?

How do you, be so impudent, with your hold on my heart?

How are you, So silly? So immature?

How are you, what I see, in my future?

What did I Do? Why is he, acting like this?

What did I Miss? Tell me, what did I miss?

What can I do?

What can I do, to be free?

Of his strings, his strings, on me?

Why do I, like you, even though I know better?

Why do I, try to express my feelings, when you hold it together? 

How could I, let some boy have, this hold on me?

How could I, be so blind, but still see?

What did I Do? Why is he, acting like this?

What did I Miss? Tell me, what did I miss?

What can I do?

What can I do, to be free?

Of his strings, his strings, on me?

Is this puppy love?

That has me feeling like a dove?

Then why does it send me crashing down?

And why can't I make a sound about how I feel?

What's the deal?

What did I Do? Why is he, acting like this?

What did I Miss? Tell me, what did I miss?

What can I do?

What can I do, to be free?

Of his strings, his strings, on me?


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68 Reviews


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Tue Dec 03, 2019 1:38 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey, Gem, here's that review!
It's great! I like the idea behind the poem, and how it's written as a series of questions! And initially I was confused by the commas, but I see that it's a unique and cool new way of writing!
One way that I feel it can be improved is if it is addressed only to one person. It changes from a third person to "him", and I just think it might be better if it was to only one.
"Is this puppy love?
That has me feeling like a dove."
This doesn't really make sense, to be honest! Maybe the dove is a metaphor, but it seems like you just used the word for the rhyme. That somewhat distorts the poem, because up until now, all the lines were connected and made sense. This got me perplexed.
Instead of "From" his strings, it should be "Of". That's the grammatically correct word to use.

I enjoyed the poem otherwise! Good work. I hope I wasn't too critical. If so, I'm sorry!
Tag me for your later works!




MiniGem26 says...


Thank you.



LittleLee says...


:D
No problem



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Mon Dec 02, 2019 9:41 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! Nice work going on. I like how you show the grasp that the narrator is in. It appears to be one of those situations where she is experiencing a war between heart and brain. The repetition makes it feel like it is an ever-recurring struggle.

In offering constructive criticism, I'd suggest taking out a lot of the commas. I get the impression that they're there to emphasize flow or certain breaks, but when they come so much more frequently than at the end of actual phrases, it's a little cluttered. This sentence is an example: "How do you, act so stupid, when I know you're smart?" You could at least stand to take the comma out from after the word "you." And naturally, any other place that does this could be polished up, too.

Well, that's all for now. Keep writing!




MiniGem26 says...


Thank you.



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Mon Dec 02, 2019 7:00 pm
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Softballgirl333 wrote a review...



Hello Gem!!

Suggestions

My First suggestion would to be to combined some of your lines. It feels very fragmented and choppy.

MiniGem wrote: How do you
act so stupid.


This is a prime example and you repeat this many times, but combining the "How do you" and the line the follows would make it flow better. Although you may sing it like that with a pause, putting them together just makes them easier to read overall.

MiniGem wrote: "How Could I" "Why Do I"

All of these have the same case as in you have changed them into very short fragments. I am not sure if this is just one verse or if it is the whole song but again, combining them would be beneficial in my opinion.

MiniGem wrote: So silly
So immature
[/quote]
Just a small thing here, I would add an "and" because it would help the flow again. It is more of a preference thing, but I would look out for other areas where you can do this.

Overall

Overall I like the constant questions, they represent the overthinking and the questioning one goes through which was well done. I do think you should rethink about where you split up your lines because it seems as if these lyrics are meant to be in sentences, but it is not written this way. With combining the lines, it can make it easier to divide up into the "paragraphs" or the "stanzas" of the song. I would try to reflect upon the narrator's feelings in order to open up for some more contrast and emotion within the song, which would also make it longer. Overall, well done Gem.

Happy Writing,
SBG <3




MiniGem26 says...


Thank you I will work on it.



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Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:24 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there MiniGem26! Niteowl here with a quick review.

Okay, so when I look at lyrics, I pretty much look for the same things I do in a poem but with a little more emphasis on the rhythm and the structure. The rhythm of this piece looked a little choppy at first due to the short lines and extra commas, but when I read it out loud, it works. I can even put it to a tune in my head, which is a good sign.

What I think could be improved upon is the structure. Right now, it feels a little repetitive, like I'm reading a very long chorus. To me, good lyrics have a short and memorable chorus that gets to the heart of the message, while the verses are more detailed and flesh out the story.

I feel like your best chorus lines come at the end "What can I do to be free from his strings on me?" I like this as a chorus because it summarizes why you're writing this song in the first place. If I wanted to rewrite this, I would use the verses to show more details...how did the speaker end up falling for this person? How is he behaving exactly and how has the speaker responded to this? With a little more detail, you can build a story that shows the speaker's conflicted feelings.

Overall, I think there's a solid rhythm to this, but I feel like it could have a stronger structure. Keep writing! :D




MiniGem26 says...


I will try to improve it I just wanted to post when I had points.




Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain