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Fiend of Fire and Sky

by Messenger

Fiend of Fire and Sky: A Children's Nighttime Read

There's a beast from the east who's coming to feast.

He's got teeth and nails and flames and scales.

The villages cry when they see him in the sky;

they know the time is nigh that they will die.

The kingdoms swear at the Fiend of the Air,

for their might and spite cannot match his light

When he wakes he aches and childrens' bones breaks,

in a horrid attempt to repay their contempt.

It was long ago, through rock and snow that kings did go,

killing his kind, thinking they would find riches inside.

Now forever will his fever control the lever of whether

the kingdoms of man will continue to stand on land.

And if he kills as he wills with heinous thrill,

he will be within his right as Terror of the Night.

Greed with no creed will cause this world to bleed,

condemning, unbending;  now and always unending.

Pay mind, little one, to the song that's been sung,

that wrong choices can lead to the Devil's Tongue!

Now sleep, don't weep, your eyes shut keep.

Unless, like those wicked kings, your bell also rings.

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Points: 61
Reviews: 3

Wed Sep 20, 2023 9:17 pm
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VioletSkies wrote a review...

Hi! I have just a few things to say.

First, I love the way the poem is set up, sometimes looks do matter. Just reading the poem I can imagine renaissance music in the background.

The visuals you paint for the reader are great, I can imagine everything as you say. There are many descriptions just to make the reader see what is happening.

I can with full certainty tell you this feels like what it is, a bed time story. Something you may find in a movie backstory.

I love the ending, were the child is addressed, it ties the whole thing together!

One thing that I do want to comment on is the rhyming. While I do love when poems rhyme, sometimes it can be overwhelming. In this I feel like something rhymes every two words.

Other than that I really did enjoy this!

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504 Reviews

Points: 33599
Reviews: 504

Wed Sep 20, 2023 6:52 am
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Liminality says...

An interesting poem! I think I haven't seen many 'children's poems' that have rhymes in the middle of lines; mostly, they seem to have lots of rhymes at the end. I wouldn't read this to a child personally, because it would probably keep them up at night xD I can imagine this being read to a fictional child in a dark fantasy setting, though! Also, the idea that the beast is out for revenge is an interesting twist on the classic 'take the dragon's treasure' quest.

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537 Reviews

Points: 30168
Reviews: 537

Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:57 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...

Heyyy! Back at it again with more fun poems.

I really love the sheer amount of rhyming + consonance/assonance you've managed to fit in here. Like no joke that is some Lin-Manuel-Miranda-level rhyming going on in here. (Actually?? I kind of want to listen to someone read this or sing it, just to see if the pauses or held notes make it better.)

However, for all the really awesome rhymes, there is a different meter every line, and that makes it a little difficult to read and also I think hurts the poem's structure.

You have a really clear rhyme scheme here, with these sort of pseudo-couplet pairs. (I say pseudo-couplet because when I read these aloud, a lot of the single lines can actually be split pretty well at one of the main rhyming words, both in length and rhythm) If you commit to an accompanying meter or rhythm, it should actually help to reinforce the weight on each of those rhyming words. Alternatively, you could use meter, or changes in meter, to denote different sections of the poem (ie, the first several stanzas are extolling the... horridness? of the fiend, while the last three pivot to the lesson learned). There are a lot of options, and the choice is ultimately up to you, but I really think it will help to write these kinds of poems with the meter more at the center of the plan.

Additionally, I've found when I write structured or metered poems, it really forces me to be creative with what I want to say, and discover new ways of conveying the information. You're very committed to proper modern English in your poetry, which isn't bad, but also may be holding you back from some really interesting language choices.

Aside from that though, this is still a super fun poem! It's a treat to see these sorts of odes/fables on YWS, since a lot of people here aren't as interested in writing that style of poetry. And uh... who doesn't like fantasy and dragons? The subject matter alone is epic. Awesome job!


Messenger says...

Yeqh can you tell I struggle with following poem rhythms %uD83D%uDE02 I actually did have to do a lot of shifting and picking specific words, but I know what you mean and do see a few areas where I could sure up the syllable count. I kind of imagine this being read aloud and so the reader could play the pace the way they want. But in having fun with these haha

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92 Reviews

Points: 11353
Reviews: 92

Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:36 am
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...

Hi! I'm going to leave a super short review for this poem!

I absolutely love this. I can't believe that you were able to rhyme the lines, and they also made sense. And also there were a lot of great descriptions.

The words and sentences also have this really resonating sound, and it sounds like such a powerful poem, even though it's just for children. And you used a lot of great adjectives I probably wouldn't have been able to come up with. And like I said, the rhyming was just on point.

One thing though - I think the poem could use a little more figurative language and visual details. I know that it's hard, since you already came up with the rhymes, but this is just a suggestion that I think would make the poem a little better.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's a really cool concept that it's a children's fable. Sorry this review is so short, I hope it's helpful!
Happy Writing!
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firefly1619 says...

I've never read a poem in the form of storytelling before but I thought it was really interesting. It was a really creative poem. I liked the use of language you used like "nigh" that you would see in older times, it enriched the poems dragon theme.

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie