Greetings, You&novels! Congrats on your excellent RevMo efforts - you look great having been "raspberry jammed!"
Ever since then, he had been spending nearly all his spare time at the gym, and eaten third helpings at every meal. Analia could already see the difference.Although he was still skinny, he was much more musculature.
I wasn't surprised to find that Carlito pointed this one out, too. You gotta cut off the unnecessary stuff. By saying that Analia could see the difference, the reader can immediately assume on their own that the guy's gaining a little weight and some muscles. I know that it's LMS and you don't have all the time in the world to ponder over the importance of every single sentence, but at least keep a little note in your mind while you're writing: Is this sentence needed? Would anything be lost if I cut it out? I don't know why this analogy popped into my head or why I'm writing it down for you, but think of it like tonsils. Do you need them? No. Should you get them taken out, then? No, not necessarily; only if they're hurting you. But if they are, yes, get rid of the darn things! They'll only cause more problems.
That's the lesson of the day, kids. Unnecessary sentences are like tonsils. Well, for all I know, it might help you remember when you're editing... xD ANYWAY, enough about that~
But all she met was a wall, just as it had been while Verona was in prison. Had they captured her again?
This seems to me like it's the first time Analia has attempted to reach out to Verona since her twin had escaped. Perhaps explain that a little more? Why Analia hadn't really thought of it, maybe because she had grown so accustomed to that "wall?"
“Mmm,” Analia murmured, still distracted by the fact that she couldn’t contact Verona anymore.
Oh, wait - this is telling me something else. It seems now like A. Analia couldn't get any further than "the wall" when Verona was in prison, B. Once Verona escaped, the two had contacted each other, then C. Verona traveled to a different dimension and they couldn't reach each other again. I understood A and C before, but it seems like B is being implied in this chapter. Am I missing something that you went back to edit?
That's all I got nitpick-wise (and they were hardly nitpicks, really). Overall, I like seeing Analia's side of things a lot. It's good that you can deviate from all the crazy new stuff going on in Verona's life now, with serious problems like "I am a criminal who is joining an underground society" to Analia's more simplistic issues, such as "Oh my God these people must be judging me so hard what do I do." That's good.
See you next chapter!
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