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Young Writers Society



Shaping Faith: Chapter 6, Part 3

by Mea


The small break room was lined with sofas, chairs, and small tables. Every day, many of the staff and other trainees would gather during the lunch hour to talk and exchange gossip. The regular staff usually kept separate from the trainees, but today, it was even more crowded than normal, and the two groups were mingling almost freely. One topic united their noisy chatter, and Analia had a feeling she knew what it was.

Sure enough, as soon as Analia walked in, everyone turned to stare at her. With a sinking feeling, she glanced over at the noticeboards, large wallscreens that took up the full length of the wall opposite the door. As she had expected, Verona’s picture was displayed prominently on there. Beneath it, details of her escape were posted. So they all knew. She wondered if any suspected her to have had a hand in it.

Not making eye contact with anyone, she hurried over to her usual table and sat down next to Rilee.

“There you are!” Rilee said. She was looking upbeat as usual, and she had made no attempt to tame her curly red hair this morning.

Now that Analia had sat down, heads turned away and the chatter resumed. Analia couldn’t help but wonder how many of them were talking about Verona. Analia had been planning to go out and buy a lunch, but she didn’t feel like walking across the street to the café, where there were even more people who could stare at her.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Willion asked from across the table, looking up from his large meal. Tall and skinny, he had been practically skin and bones since childhood. He wanted to go into the patrol force, but his doctor had told him that he needed to put on a few pounds and build some muscle before he would meet the requirements. Ever since then, he had been spending nearly all his spare time at the gym, and eaten third helpings at every meal. Analia could already see the difference. Although he was still skinny, he was much more musculature.

“No, I’m not hungry,” Analia lied. “I’ll get something from the vending machine later. I suppose you guys have seen the notice?”

“Yeah,” said Rilee. “It’s weird, isn’t it? I mean, there hasn’t been a breakout in years.”

“I bet they’ll catch her soon,” said Willion, giving Analia an odd look, as if he wasn’t sure how she would respond to the sentiment.

“Not if she can teleport non-Polarly,” Rilee countered. “Which she’s probably done.”

“I wonder how many people think I helped her,” Analia muttered.

“What?” said Rilee. This was a common occurrence, as Rilee was partially deaf. Her hearing loss was mild, but she could have trouble understanding what people were saying. Normally Analia didn’t mind having to repeat something, but today she was in a foul mood.

“Oh, put your hearing aids in,” she snapped.

“No, you know I never put them in during lunch. It’s too loud in here already.” Rilee retorted, looking a little hurt.

“Sorry,” Analia said, a little ashamed of herself. “I was just wondering how many people think I had something to do with it.”

“Why would they?” Rilee said. “I mean, what could you have done?”

“You’re right,” Analia sighed, realizing she was being stupid. “I guess I’m just sick of being stared at.” Another thing you didn’t anticipate, dear sister. She stared down at her hands, wishing she could just vanish right there and then, teleport to another planet maybe. Or, even better, to a time before all this had happened.

After a moment, Rilee spoke. “But aren’t you glad she’s not locked up anymore?”

Analia looked at Rilee incredulously. “Why would I be? I’m now under surveillance and everybody talks about me, and all because she somehow managed to escape.” She was trying to sound uncaring, but she couldn’t keep up the act.

“Plus – plus, I’m worried about her,” Analia said in a quieter tone. “What if she gets hurt? And if they catch her again, they might extend her sentence to life.” And what if she’s gone with the Absolutes? They’re terrorists in the eyes of the government – that can’t be safe.

As Analia thought that, she subconsciously cast her mind towards Verona to see if she was all right. But all she met was a wall, just as it had been while Verona was in prison. Had they captured her again?

“Oh, yeah,” Rilee said. “I was just thinking that I would rather be on the run then cooped up in prison.” She shuddered at the thought.

“Mmm,” Analia murmured, still distracted by the fact that she couldn’t contact Verona anymore. She almost told Rilee, but hesitated. If Verona had been recaptured, they would all find out about it soon enough. And if not, Analia wasn’t sure she wanted to tell the police that Verona was inside a Blocking field again.


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Sun Oct 18, 2015 6:19 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Greetings, You&novels! Congrats on your excellent RevMo efforts - you look great having been "raspberry jammed!" ;)

Ever since then, he had been spending nearly all his spare time at the gym, and eaten third helpings at every meal. Analia could already see the difference. Although he was still skinny, he was much more musculature.

I wasn't surprised to find that Carlito pointed this one out, too. You gotta cut off the unnecessary stuff. By saying that Analia could see the difference, the reader can immediately assume on their own that the guy's gaining a little weight and some muscles. I know that it's LMS and you don't have all the time in the world to ponder over the importance of every single sentence, but at least keep a little note in your mind while you're writing: Is this sentence needed? Would anything be lost if I cut it out? I don't know why this analogy popped into my head or why I'm writing it down for you, but think of it like tonsils. Do you need them? No. Should you get them taken out, then? No, not necessarily; only if they're hurting you. But if they are, yes, get rid of the darn things! They'll only cause more problems.

That's the lesson of the day, kids. Unnecessary sentences are like tonsils. Well, for all I know, it might help you remember when you're editing... xD ANYWAY, enough about that~
But all she met was a wall, just as it had been while Verona was in prison. Had they captured her again?

This seems to me like it's the first time Analia has attempted to reach out to Verona since her twin had escaped. Perhaps explain that a little more? Why Analia hadn't really thought of it, maybe because she had grown so accustomed to that "wall?"
“Mmm,” Analia murmured, still distracted by the fact that she couldn’t contact Verona anymore.

Oh, wait - this is telling me something else. It seems now like A. Analia couldn't get any further than "the wall" when Verona was in prison, B. Once Verona escaped, the two had contacted each other, then C. Verona traveled to a different dimension and they couldn't reach each other again. I understood A and C before, but it seems like B is being implied in this chapter. Am I missing something that you went back to edit?

That's all I got nitpick-wise (and they were hardly nitpicks, really). Overall, I like seeing Analia's side of things a lot. It's good that you can deviate from all the crazy new stuff going on in Verona's life now, with serious problems like "I am a criminal who is joining an underground society" to Analia's more simplistic issues, such as "Oh my God these people must be judging me so hard what do I do." That's good.

See you next chapter! :)




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Mon Oct 12, 2015 1:10 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! :D

General thoughts.
This also feels like a bit of a filler scene. We as the readers don't learn any new information, it's just reaction to the previous scene. Analia is still skeptical about whether or not she can trust the police, she's still not sure what to think about Verona escaping, the only difference is now people are talking about her. You might consider combining this with the previous Analia scene so we get the news and the reaction all together.

Rilee's personality is developing nicely. I like her so far. I'm not sure if Willion is going to be important or not. He doesn't do much for me so far. (But he also hasn't had a very big role).

Specific thoughts.
The small break room was lined with sofas, chairs, and small tables.[/quote]
I don't like the repetition of "small".

Every day, many of the staff and other trainees would gather during the lunch hour to talk and exchange gossip.


The regular staff usually kept separate from the trainees, but today, it was even more crowded than normal, and the two groups were mingling almost freely.


Sure enough, as soon as Analia walked in, everyone turned to stare at her.

How does Analia know any of the above information if she hasn't entered the room yet? How does she know all of these people are talking, and assume they're talking about her before she's there? Are there windows, so she sees inside as she approaches it? Is this just an assumption and as soon as she comes in her assumption turns out to be valid?

As she had expected, Verona’s picture was displayed prominently on there.


So they all knew. She wondered if any suspected her to have had a hand in it.

Love the snappiness here, but I think each of these lines could be their own paragraph just to give it that added punch.

Analia had been planning to go out and buy a lunch, but she didn’t feel like walking across the street to the café, where there were even more people who could stare at her.

I don't think this is necessary.

Although he was still skinny, he was much more musculature.

I'm not sure "musculature" is an adjective. I'm also not sure you need this sentence. Based on what he's been doing, the reader can assume what the difference looks like.

She was trying to sound uncaring, but she couldn’t keep up the act.

This confused me a little. Uncaring like she doesn't care that all of this is going on or uncaring towards Rilee or what?

As Analia thought that, she subconsciously cast her mind towards Verona to see if she was all right. But all she met was a wall, just as it had been while Verona was in prison. Had they captured her again?

I thought (and I may just not be remembering correctly) that this line of communication was never re-opened after Verona was put in prison and she tried to access it when she found out about the escape? I thought this was explained in an earlier section - that this channel of communication was closed and wouldn't be re-opened. Is there a reason Analia suspected it might be open again?

And if not, Analia wasn’t sure she wanted to tell the police that Verona was inside a Blocking field again.

Duh duh duuuuuuh!!! (That's supposed to be a suspenseful noise :p)

See you in the next part!! :D




Mea says...


Thanks for the review!

About the channel of communication, it would have opened the moment Verona stepped outside the police building and out of the Blocking field, but then once she got taken in to the Absolutes' base, it would have closed again because there's a blocking field there too.. Analia just didn't notice it opening or closing, which now that I think about it is kind of unlikely. I'll probably change that.




"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein