Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
“Do you see her yet?” Fyn hissed at Kez.
“Shut up, she’ll hear you.” The copper-colored drake poked Fyn with a curled claw. “And get down. Your scales are so bright, it’s like you’re on fire.”
Fyn snarled. His red scales weren’t bright, they were just shiny. And he was already pressed belly first into the ground. He could hardly see over the enormous craggy boulder hiding him and his hatchmate.
Overhead, the waxing moon blazed down into a rocky gorge. Trees and ferns spilled down the slope and clustered into a dense forest of gray, moonlit shadows. A short leap away at the bottom of the gorge, a rushing stream tumbled past. Its noise covered Kez and Fyn’s whispering.
It also covered the sounds made by their prey, which was why Kez and Fyn had been staring at the dark undergrowth for at least ten minutes. It was a game of stealth, and the drakes’ night sight was much better than the human’s, so they had the advantage. At least, that was how Kez had explained it when he’d ordered Fyn to hide behind the boulder.
Fyn’s tail twitched. He was starting to doubt Kez’s plan was any good.
“Shouldn’t we be closer?” he muttered. “She could be sneaking right past us.”
“I told you, if she sees us she’ll stay in one place even longer. We’ve gotta let her flush herself out.”
Fyn huffed and shifted his haunches, jimmying for a better position on the slope. He wasn’t about to let Kez do all the work, not on their first solo hunt. Not when their advancement to Disciple was on the line.
Kez was stronger than Fyn was. But Fyn was faster. If he could just get the drop on the human —
A shadow flickered between two trees.
Fyn sprang, stretching his lithe, scaled body as he raced down the slope. Fire flared from the mote in his stomach and sent sparks up his throat, but he held back the flame. It was better to bring runaways back alive. He could see the human better now. Her hair flew as she spun in fear, scrambling back to fumble with a pouch on her waist.
A second shadow burst from a crevice in the ground. Vak exploded from the underground tunnel where he’d been hiding, claws open, teeth bared in a snarl as the human ran right toward him. Fyn put on a burst of speed — there was no way he was letting that weakling have this one —
A swirl of green energy streaked down the human’s arm, and she vanished.
Fyn couldn’t stop in time. He carried right on into Vak, knocking both of them over. He sank his claws instinctively into Vak’s shoulders as they rolled, turning over twice before Vak hit a tree and winded them both.
Kez spat with derision. “Look at the pair of you. Anyone would think this was your first hunt!”
“They didn’t tell us she was a mage!” Vak complained.
“Idiot, how do you think she got out of the mountain?” Kez swiped at Vak, catching the ridges along the green drake’s head with a claw.
Vak whimpered, not even striking back. “Now what are we going to do, Kez? She’s gone.”
Fyn let a growl build in his throat. While the other two argued, he scanned the gorge, searching for — well, he didn’t really know what. But she couldn’t have gone far. She’d want to hide.
The forest was awash with gray, waiting. Up the canyon, the great, cragged shape of Mt. Onyx blocked out the stars, looming and watchful.
There. A bush bent back into place over a dark crack in the rock across the tumbling stream.
She’d made a mistake. Caves were drake territory.
Fyn prowled forward. Kez and Vak didn’t even notice him go — Kez was still berating Vak. He crossed the stream in a single bound and crept up to the opening, which was barely five feet tall.
He stuck in a paw and swiped, but the cave curved sharply. He couldn’t reach her.
His fire could. He could cook her to death in seconds. Selach’s mote of power burned eager in his stomach, and fire bubbled up behind his fangs.
Instead, Fyn swung his head and spat the jet of fire to the side. Better to take her alive.
Which meant there was only one other thing to do. Fyn gritted his teeth and shifted into his human form.
He didn’t like doing it. No one in their right mind would — it was degrading, and it felt like being turned inside out and then collapsed down to a point, disjointed and messy and small.
But a moment later, it was done, and Fyn took a step forward on two scaled legs. It felt like a wall had come between him and his senses, his sense of smell and hearing dulled, though his eyes were more sensitive to color. His human form wore a loose tunic, though manifesting clothes was a stupid tradition borrowed from the humans.
He stooped and slipped into the crevasse, channeling some of his god’s power from his mote into a small flame that licked up his palm. He needed to intimidate her into surrendering.
The runaway’s barely suppressed sobs rattled from around the corner as she stumbled deeper into the cave. She was terrified. That would make this easier.
Fyn edged around the corner and paused, arm outstretched. The firelight flickered across the human’s wide eyes. “If you surrender now, we won’t have to hurt you.”
The human shook her head, backing away until she was pressed up against the wall. Fyn took a step closer, his heart pounding. He didn’t want to throw his fire at her, but you were only ever supposed to give a runaway one chance to surrender. And Kez and Vak couldn’t be far behind him.
“There’s no way out,” he said, raising the ball of fire. “I’ll give you one more chance.”
She raised a hand to mirror his, clutching a glowing green object.
Fyn’s fire and her magic exploded in the same instant.
The woman dove out of the way and the fire washed harmlessly above her head, but Fyn felt a dull thump and a shock of pain. A black, shadowed arrow had sprouted from his abdomen.
The pain washed through him like acid. Fyn tried to steady himself but fell to his knees, cursing his weak human form.
The woman scrambled past him. Fyn reached out, but his fingers just missed her ankle.
If she got away, they’d never make him a Disciple. Fyn forced his legs underneath him and tried to stand.
Then a column of fire blasted into the crack in the rock, and the world around Fyn blazed white and searing. It stung, but his scaled human form had just enough protection not to burn.
The runaway had no such protection. When the fire died away, Fyn averted his eyes so he wouldn’t retch at the sight of her blackened skin.
“Didja have to kill her, Kez?” Vak asked, arching his head over Kez to peer in.
“You going soft, Vak? It’s no more then runaways deserve,” Kez said.
Fyn dug his nails into his palms and got to his feet, clutching his bleeding side. The illusory arrow had vanished when the mage died, but the wound it had caused was very real. He wasn’t going to make that mistake again. If it had been left to him, the mage would have gotten away.
He’d failed.
“Hey, weakling!” Kez shouted into the crevasse. “Why didn’t you roast her in the first place? Drag the body out so we can carry it back. Looks like we know who’s going to be a Disciple by morning!”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I was really intrigued by the title of this project, and found the first chapter. I have to say, I love this already!
Your descriptions and your imagery are detailed, but not too detailed to where I space out and forget what I read. It's is so high quality. I couldn't detect any sentences that broke my immersion, nor grammar mistakes. The only real issue I had was that I sometimes mistook the drakes for each other. I believe it's just me and my poor memory/attention span however, combined with how simple their names are.
I have a small idea of the concept, and am left wanting so much more. More lore, more everything. I'm definitely going to read the rest of what you've written of this story. I look forward to how it all plays out.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad my first chapter did such a good job of hooking you! I'm definitely inviting you to read on, I've posted about half the story so far and though you don't have to review every (or any!) part if you don't want to, I love all the readers I can get.
Hi there Mea! Surprise! I wanted to celebrated my friends' pieces by reading and reviewing them. So, here I am ^^
So, my reviewing style: I usually focus on the flow of the writing, the plot, and the characters. Sometimes I point out grammar or spelling if I see it, but not usually lol. I love having a conversation and dialogue with you about the piece. Please don't take anything I say too harshly. I'm usually blunt but I promise it's only to help ^^ let's get into it.
Ooh, starting this off with dragons! Like, the perspective of dragons! I don't know if you've read Shady's or sound's stories, but they have things to do with dragons but not revolving immediately around them. As far as intros go, it's a decent intro! It certainly gets us, the reader, right into the action and hints at history between the two drakes.
The introduction of Vak kinda confused me. At first, I thought they were Kez, and I didn't realize there was a third drake in the mix.
I like the description here! Simple, but to the point and effective!
---
Honestly, I don't have too much to talk about this just yet! I'm sure others have already pointed out reactions and things of the like ^^
I think the weakest point of this chapter was the beginning (it was still strong!). I think it would have served you better to have a bit more establishment in the beginning. Don't get me wrong, I love diving into the action like you did, but I think you could have introduced the prey and the movements a bit and then introduced the drakes as intimidating or something, then to provide a bit of comedic relief by adding their bickering. Just a bit of establishment would do wonders in the beginning, in my opinion.
I like your writing, your descriptions, and the action. It has a simple but effective feel to it, which worked for me instantly. I think the introduction of Vak was a bit abrupt (I said earlier that I confused Vak for Kez and didn't know there were three drakes in total). I also didn't see toooo much of each of the drake's personalities besides the beginning and the fact that Fyn was doing something different in the end. Then again, this is the first chapter part so I wouldn't expect all that much anyway, so just a minor point ^^
Overall, this was a lot of fun to read and not hard at all to get into. I can't wait to read more of it ^^ and I hope this helped!
%uD83D%uDE01 This was an unexpected surprise! Thanks for your kind words and great comments! Looking forward to more! (Though as you keep reading, don't feel the need to review every chapter if you don't want to. I've got a lot of feedback on these early chapters and what I really need is people to make it to the back half. xD)
Hey! FlamingPhoenix here to review your story! Hope you don't mind! I've been meaning to review this story for a while now. It was something about the name that really had me interested. XD I think it's because it reminds me of a few books I've read with the names Wings of Fire. So your's really spoke to me.
Right let's get to the review! I have a lot of reacting to do. Lol
And here we go diving head first into your world.
This could be me being really silly, but are they dragons? Or something like that? And who is she?
Oh so their still young. Hmm...
Oh I just love this! The description is amazing! You have really touched me with this!
Again wonderful description!
So I'm still putting the peaces together, are they like humans put a little bird like? XD If I don't get it soon you might have to explain.
Oh I like this a lot! More description and world building! Wonderful!
(I still think they are closer to dragons)
I like what you have done here, it shows their strengths and kind of their weakness to, and why they should relay one one another.
Oh I have fallen in love with your story! This chase was amazing! I love the description and the desperation behind it.
And what happened to the Human?
Oh dear that's not going to end very well.
Questions questions. Lol
His very observant this one.
Oh I love this description, and the small ways you add in world building. Just love it.
Maybe he should have told the others so they could do it as a team, oh well.
Clever human. XD
HUH?? I am so lost but intrigued at the same time!
Hahaha that is one way of putting it.
Oh this could get rather fun. I do like it that you have included his seances have been changed.
Oh dear, he seems a little full of himself.
I doubt she will go with out a fight, I mean she has made it this far.
Hmm, well I guess you have a choice to make. This is also a very good display of his character.
Huh? What did she do?
How did she do that?
Great description but ouch that is going to hurt really bad.
What is this Disciple thing his talking about, what is behind it and the big things about it?
Oh well I guess the others have arrived.
Eww gross. Poor guy he really didn't want to kill her. I guess that's what is going to make him different form the others.
Ah and there it is, his nice not soft.
Nice, a little bit of character development there, that was nicely done.
Oops, poor thing, this is what happens when you don't want to follow what others do.
*Sigh* Well this is a really good but sad way to end the chapter, I'm not sure what being a Disciple means, but for the way its mentions a lot and how it was the reason to being out its a very big deal. And I do hope he will get another chance.
Well that's all from me, I really did enjoy this chapter, I think I would have liked more description in here so we could get more of a feeling for the world, but it's only the first chapter so your writing will always get better the further you go!
I do look forward to reading the rest of your chapters!
Have a great day!
Until next time!
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Hi Mea,
)
Mailice here with a belated review!
Since I think most of the other reviewers have already written the most important stuff, I'll keep it a bit shorter than usual here.
I like your introduction. I think you start off very well by getting the reader right into that suspense, where you're waiting with Fyn and Kez to see when something is going to happen. It definitely helped to get the reader right into the story.
I like your descriptions. I like the way you set up and hint at some things. It makes it read very well and relatively smoothly. Compared to the current chapter, which I've already reviewed, I can also see where you've improved. I wonder if this is something like a retrospective development?
I can see that you've improved a lot in the dialogues. They seemed so lively and comprehensible, where here they still seem a bit unpolished. They are still good and well-written, but I think they lack that "certain something" to make the characters seem more unique. (Which is good then that you've improved so much
I would take away the second "was" because it feels weird to read it that way. I even thought there was something after that you forgot.
I don't know why, but this description reads a bit bumpy because you express so much in one sentence. "back into place" - "over a dark" - "in the rock" - "across the tumbling". Here it's a bit too much.
I like the sentence and also the comment that it is a "stupid tradition".
It's a great chapter where you get to know the characters a bit. At the beginning I was a bit taken off guard by all the names, but at the same time I think it's better than having them all remain nameless, even if some won't appear often or are less important to the plot. It's a good first chapter to introduce the reader to the world of your story!
Have fun writing it!
Mailice.
Right! It has been such a busy few weeks for me so I apologise for not getting to this sooner. NaNo kind of broke me and I have been spending ages working through my back log of these reviews. So I'm going to do my best to get through all of these by the end of the year!
Let's begin
I love this interaction between the two of them. It brings us in at a really good point and also establishes their relationship straight off the bat.
Beautiful description, but I wonder if it would be better at a later point in the chapter. Here it kind of takes us away from the moment which I personally find too distracting this early on in a novel.
Interesting tactic. At this point, it feels a little like a capture the flag kind of game. It's hard to get a read on whether this is serious or just for fun!
Oooh ok, a well placed tidbit of information three.
I like the way you've introduced him, there's enough distinction now between Vak and the others and I immediately don't like him xD
Oh this immediately got more interesting!
I have mixed feelings about our main character so far which I think is a good thing because it makes me want to read on to understand him and his motivations. Though I feel sorry for him, I also feel somewhat glad he isn't going to made Disciple because I feel that would involve a lot more human killing.. so I'm torn! There was some wonderful characterisation in this part, and I can't wait to continue!
Again, sorry this took so long but I hope some of it was helpful <3
Icy
Thank you so much for the awesome review! <3 Can't wait to see what you think of the next parts.
The beginning was great. And to be honest this was a strong beginning if I have ever seen one or should I say read one.
Im sorry if you were looking for critiques. Im afraid Im not the right person for that always, I leave that for those with better skills than me. Still though even if I was to HAVE to say anything about this piece it would be just nitpicking stuff. Like for example the line:
" Overhead, the waxing moon blazed down into a rocky gorge. " I guess I would say blazed through me off. I feel as though I could picture what you meant, like more of a glow or aura of sorts
Your writing is solid as far as I can tell. I have a bit of an understanding of Fyn and Kez the first fee words shouldnt give away everything.
Well, this was great. Keep writing keep getting better
Hi, Mea!
I saw some of the later parts in the greenroom, and I was really interested in reading from your title and synopsis! I'm a lot rusty to reading and reviewing, but I'll try my best to give some perspective that might be helpful to you
I want to start off by saying that this was really engaging to me, and it was enjoyable to read. As a whole, I felt like there was a great mix between description, dialogue, and also some voice from Fyn. In this relatively short section, I was drawn into your world and character enough to really be rooting for him. I wanted Fyn to succeed in catching this human and getting that promotion he seemed to be vying for. Even if I didn't know all the terms or all the motives, it was just enough to give me a taste to want more, but not too much to be overwhelming or confusing. Great job!
As far as beginning sentences go, I know how difficult it can be. Starting with dialogue is alright, and it didn't hinder my engagement, but it didn't feel very gripping. "Do you see her yet?" is a bit vague and could mean anything. I do like that you start this chapter in the middle of the action of this hunt, but it may be more engaging to get right into Fyn's feelings. Maybe show us that anticipation, paint the scene a bit (the undergrowth brushing his scales, the anticipation of stalking his prey, the fire bubbling in him from frustration/anticipation) and then have the dialogue with Kez shortly after. These are just suggestions, though
I love the language that you use in these descriptions. The only thing (and I could have reread this too many times) is, in my head, there seems to be a contrast between a rocky gorge and a dense forest. Later on it seems you stuck with the dense forestry, but maybe a bit more clarity could help here?
So, I was trying to figure out why I was so shocked when Vak appeared, and I think it was this area. I would agree with niteowl that it feels like Vak comes out of nowhere, and Fyn wasn't the least bit surprised about it. This implied, at least to me, that it was just Fyn and Kez watching this person. Also, why wouldn't Vak be up there with them? Or why wouldn't Fyn consider where Vak could be so they didn't have a (literal) collision like they did? (I will admit, though, that it was comedic.)
I'm also wondering if three is considered a solo hunt, how many drakes are needed for a group hunt? Are they always hunting humans? These are questions that can certainly be answered later, but I'm curious!
This was another line that I felt was contradicted later, and I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. Fyn seems very determined that is overall better for their performance to bring this human back alive, but Kez had zero remorse in torching her even when it was still very possible for them to grab her (since she would have to go back out of the cave where they would be waiting for her). This seems to be said a universal statement, not just a belief that Fyn had, so if there is meant to be some contention there, perhaps consider rephrasing it so it doesn't sound so absolute? Since it's also brought up twice it kind of reaffirms the idea that this is the only way.
(As a note, I did like that Kez later acknowledged this difference, but it was still kind of confusing to me. This feels like a matter of either they were told to bring her back alive or not? idk, maybe I there is more to it than I think.)
Small thing. It sounded a bit redundant to specify they both were affected twice.
This stood out to me because it seemed unlikely and convenient that Fyn would catch the very last second of a bush bending back into place and know exactly where he was. I liked this detail because it does emphasize his sharp eyesight and knack for hunting, but I wish there was a little more, like hearing a rustle to know to look in that direction or seeing multiple plants creaking heading towards that particular cave.
This is an awesome way to scale their size! Very creative and very cool.
There were a few times I felt the lines in the paragraph were a bit choppy and cut short. Like this, for instance, could have easily stayed one paragraph instead of cutting around to break up the flow. But that wasn't something I felt very often.
*than
As I said in the beginning, as a whole, I really liked this part. There was also some really strong characterization, and you really nailed the dialogue so that each character sounded distinct and it portrayed their personality well. I'm excited to read on about their adventures. As a hook into the novel, I think this was very well done.
Hope this was helpful!
~Wolfe
Ahh, thank you so much for the awesome review! I'm really glad you happened across this story and liked it! Your comments on what was confusing are super helpful. <3
Hi there, Mea! As promised, Nite here to review. Though frankly I know I'm not the best reviewer of prose-y stuff, this sounded really interesting, so I'm excited. I went ahead and read both parts, but now I'm going to reread the first chapter in more detail.
For starters, I like how we're getting right into action. The first few paragraphs also do a nice job blending action with description of the characters and scene.
Given how much I'm usually against big paragraphs, I find the splitting of the connection between the stream and covering the sounds of their prey kind of odd.
Even as a non-hunter, I'm doubting Fyn's proposed strategy. It definitely seems like getting closer would give you a narrower view, making it harder to find the human. So yes I am getting the sense that Fyn is not the best at this. But at the same time, I also relate to his impatience here lol.
"Mote" is an uncommon word, so it kind of takes me out of things a little, but that could just be me being nit-picky. More importantly, I find myself curious about labeling the human as a "runaway". What is she running away from? I mean, dragons obviously, but to me the word "runaway" implies something like a teenager running from home, so like does the human live in a world ruled by dragons? Or is she like an escapee from a prison? And I'm curious about how some humans are worth more alive than dead.
Wow, Vak literally came out of nowhere. I find it interesting that he wasn't even mentioned up to this point. I would think they're all competing, but then that doesn't explain why Kez is working with Fyn, since it seems like Kez is the most senior of the trio.
There. A bush bent back into place over a dark crack in the rock across the tumbling stream.
She’d made a mistake. Caves were drake territory.[/quote]
I'm actually having trouble picturing this, and I didn't even register you were talking about a cave until the second sentence. Possible rewording-"There. Across the stream, in front of a gap between rocks, a bush bent back into place." I think this order is better because it has us zooming in to the item of interest the way the character is.
I'm not so sure. If runaways are best taken alive, could Kez be considered too hasty to whoever awards Disciple-ship?
I'll admit I'm not the best at reading fight scenes, but I felt like I could follow the action fairly well, so that's good.
Overall, a solid beginning. I get a good balance between description and action, and I think the characterization of the three dragons is well-done, though I am a little confused as to if Kez is older/of higher seniority than the other two or if they are all considered the same rank.
On to the next part!
I haven't read the Wings of Fire series, but I love dragons, which is partly the reason I clicked on this. Your OCs (or at least I'm assuming they're your OCs) are really vibrant. I especially liked Fyn; he's an interesting case. Usually, we see dragons as ruthless, fire-breathing creatures, but you really give him a sort of soft nature; he doesn't want to hurt people, but he has to.
It's a definite contrast to what mythology has told us thus far.
But that's when I got confused; is it that these dragons hunt humans, but can also change into human-dragon hybrids at will? If that's the case, I really like this concept! It adds a layer to the "humans-are-scared-of-dragons" trope.
I really enjoyed this piece, though I may have to read the original series before delving any further into it, LOL.
Cheers!
-MintyLeaf <3
Hi mintyleaf, thanks for the review! I just wanted to let you know that this story is an original novel and not based on the Wings of Fire series at all (I've never read it, actually, and came up with the title before I heard of it.) I might have to change it if people keep getting confused, lol. And yep, these drakes have a human hybrid form. (They also don't have wings, which is why I don't call them dragons.)