Purple Lipstick on my Collar (UPDATED 5/15)

#800080 ">Wow, that was long,
obviously not too long if I read all of it in 2 hours XD
You must be so proud of me!
I really enjoyed it, but I was wondering what your inspiration for this story was?
Too hard of a question for you?
Can't step up to the challenge?!?!?!
lol jkjk!
good job!
~JVM

Okay, so this is very good. Your characters are great, and all of your description and imagery has got me hooked.

There is so much that I cannot possibly point out all of your grammar mistakes, so i\I suggest that you read through the entire thing yourself. I am sure you will catch your mistakes and some sentences that do not make sense.

Also, is Renee's last name Willis or Wilks? What is Shannon's last name? I thought Shannon's was Wilks, but you refer to Renee's mom as Mrs./Ms. Wilks in some chapters. I am confused about that.

Anyway, I have been hooked on this whole thing, and I cannot wait for more.

Good job!

woah, i actually read all of this !
you're really really good with description,
i really like this
its super good!

Hey, aren't you going to continue this?! You can't just leave us hanging. WRITE MORE. Sorry I have no critiques; I was too into the story.

Waiting for more.

this was quite a story. i have to ask, how long didi it take you to write all of this? i triy t write alot, but i never have teh time or teh patience. help a fellow writer out please. i like the imagry you put into the story. it really jumped out ot me. i wish you teh best of luck witht is and look forwrd to finishing it.

I'm not usually into reading gay stories.. but this is a good story.
Waiting for more

Love it. I can't wait to read more.

Okay, I'm back.

Chapters 6,7

These are both good, I couldn't find many mistakes. So, yeah. I read these a few day's ago, but I couldn't post what I had because internet failed. Yay, I know. Anyways.

What I've seen you do a lot of is weird stuff with dialouge, for example putting a comma where there should be a period.

" You could sneak me in though. It'd be like Mission Impossible. You'd be way hotter than Tom Cruise though,"

That's just an example, I'll leave it up to you to find the rest.

Keep up the good work!
-JC

Hey! I've realized that you don't really have anybody actually critiquing this. So I figured, why not eh? lol. *goes back to read*

Chapters: Prolouge - Five

Prolouge

It seems too unreal to believe...I don't want to believe it.

Renee, breathless, cursed under her breath.

They hadn't said Grace that night. Instead, they watched as Shannon served herself, and began eating.

"Basically,"

This was interesting to read. I'm not usually into reading stuff like this but I'm willing to give it a shot. Can't wait to read more.

it's interesting!

i love it!! i'm very anxious to read more. you have a few places where it needs work, but overall it is a wonderful story.

Chapter 20: False Exhibitions
Matthew wasn’t a bad kisser; he smelt like cologne and he tasted like he had peppermint candy in his mouth. He was sweet, too. She had noticed him when he came in that he looked different. His hair wasn't as gelled, instead it was in disaray. His clothes more fashionable, and his glasses were instead contacts. He didn't look the way he had last time she saw him. She wondred what had caused the change in his appearance or whom. She looked over to Shannon out of the corner of her eye; speculating that maybe she had gotten ahold of Matthew before this. She soon let that fade away as she returned her attention to Matthew again.
He didn’t feel the need to suffocate her with his tongue as it was tentivley moving in deeper. Renee was surprised he actually knew what he was doing. She almost laughed, feeling that she was kissing Matthew of all people. But when he pulled away (was pulled away, by Shannon’s small hands on his shoulders), Renee wasn’t sorry.
This was all new. Shannon had planned a way to get Renee to finally decide on the path she would take. They had called Matthew, who was the speicmen in their little game. It was after school and they were in Shannon’s room, blinds shut and lights dimmed. Renee wondered what made him agree and stick around once they began.
She dropped her gaze to the floor, feeling her cheeks burn because she had never done something like this before. It felt exhilarating. It felt wrong. She heard Shannon say, voice was a low whisper, “My turn,”
Renee looked up to see Shannon pressing her mouth against Matthew’s. Then they’re kissing, open-mouthed, and Shannon’s hands liberally scanning across his chest, finding the buttons of his shirt, easily undoing them. And all Renee could do was watch, jaw slack, lips still tingling. Shannon had agreed to take part only to make Renee not so nervous. She had once been with guys, kissed guys, so she knew what it meant to choose between the beautiful guys, and the girls with just the same features making her want them just the same.
Matthew became a blurred mass, almost disappeard from her line of sight, and all she could concentrate on was Shannon, memorizing the way she looked as she kisses: eyes closed, lips parted, hands wandering. For a moment, Renee felt those hands on her own body, felt those lips glide across her mouth. And she shuddered and blinked, because she was supposed to want Matthew, should be staring at him. But Shannon was beautiful, such a beautiful girl, and Renee felt like she was going a little out of her mind, watching her kiss someone else.
Why did she think she could play this game?
It went on long enough that she began feeling a dull ache low in her belly, between her legs. She was repulsed and turned on, and she couildn’t explain the feeling, couldn’t even explain to herself why it made her so angry. She wrapped strong fingers around Matthew’s arm and pulled him toward her. His eyes were closed and he had a dopey smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss her. His mouth was a little wet too, and when Renee licked her tongue across it, she thought she could taste Shannon. Guilt wared with desire as she imagined smaller hands gripping her waist, imagined what it’d be like to tangle her fingers in long, dark curls. She kept her hands on Matthew’s forearms and pretended, let her mind fill in the missing puzzle peices. She knew what they’d form. And she knew Shannon was watching, too. Renee wanted to show her, wanted to make her jealous. So she drove her tongue into Matthew’s mouth, feeling a shock of delight when she thought she heard a little sound coming from Shannon. Renee could feel her staring, eyes burning into her body.
They switched, and it began all over again. The buildup: watching and waiting to feel, to pretend. Then Matthew was gone, off to the bathroom, and Shannon was making some joke. Together they laughed when he walked out the room, but Renee felt her stomach spin, felt a low nervousness as she was being left alone with Shannon, who asked, “What do you think?”
“He’s still cute, and sweet, but…”
“A guy, I know.”
Renee nodded, wondering what Shannon was driving at, what possessed her to begin the mind games in the first place. And Renee wondered, too, why she had been playing along.
“Yeah, it does seem pretty stupid for the two of us to be doing this with him.”
“Trust me, I don’t want him. I’ve already played that hand.”
They sat on the bed, and Renee felt it sway beneath her, knew her body was still unsteady, unbalanced.
“I just wanted to mess with him. And you.”
And there it was--the truth.
Renee shook her head, “Nice.”
“So, what about us?” Shannon asked, “I thought this might clear up some confusion on your part.”
Shannon was staring at her, face serious, and Renee didn’t think she could keep up.
One more truth and she’d crumble beneath Shannon’s gaze. But she told her anyway, because the words are burning to get out. She looked down and away.
“Well, I think I like girls.”
When Shannon glanced up, she saw a small smile playing on her face. It made her feel wanted, desired; that smile was better than a hundred thousand of Matthew’s kisses.
“Like, like?” Shannon asked.
Renee shrugged, the little girl getting the best of her, “I just need to be sure.”
Renee knew what it was like to kiss a girl. Knew that it was just like kissing a guy, like Matthew. But when Taylor had kissed her, she didn’t feel anything. Not anything like she felt with Shannon.
And when Shannon replied, “Really?” she thought she’d sink under the pressure of that steady gaze, green eyes so deep she wanted to drown in them. Then Shannon begins to lean in, and all Renee could think was, “Oh, my God” because she knew that lean, knew the look on Shannon’s face. The same way it was before. She’s wanted that look, wanted that lean, for so long, that her body trembled. When Shannon placed tentative fingers on her face, saying, “Then let’s be sure,” Renee inhaled sharply.
It was not okay, she thought, because it felt like her heart was going to pound its way out her chest, and she’ll die, she knew it, if those lips finally found hers.
Renee pulled away once again, the fear settling in as she heard Matthew making his way up the stairs. Shannon looked towards the stairs with the same look Renee did as they watched Matthew walk back in, “My mom just called,” he held up his cellphone, “I’ve got to go.”
Renee stood up quickly, “How about we get together tomorrow?
“Together?” he asked looking over to Shannon then to Renee, “It’s not going to be like this is it?”
“No-no. Just us…no games.”
“Well,” he scratched his head, “Alright.”
Renee looked over to Shannon to see her expression and found her looking away, but talking, “Have fun, Ren.”
Renee picked up her bag figuring the session was over, “See you at school.”
And Renee couldn’t listen anymore. She had to get out, had to leave. She glanced up at Shannon and saw the anger and frustration in her face, but she couldn’t do anything about that now. Shannon wanted it to be their time, their way of figuring things out; together. She couldn’t stay though, because if she didn’t go, she’d be afraid of what she’d do and of what would happen. And then she’d slip-slide into something she knew she wanted too badly, but wasn’t sure she was ready for. So she ran away, leaving behind an angry Shannon and a confused Matthew.
This was easier, it was smarter, she told herself. She needed to do it on her own and alreay had a plan of action in effect. But when she got home and past her mother, she wasn’t feeling any safer. She closed the door to her room, locked it, and laid on her bed. Her heart does the same dance it did earlier when she rememberd the closeness of Shannon's mouth, the heat coming off her fingertips as they stroked her face, moved to cup her cheek. She wished to be in that position again without any limitations.

Chapter 19: Unfinished Business
Shannon stepped out into the ally that ran between two brick buildings.
Renee had followed behind in a steady rhythm while Taylor held tight to her hand. It was when they were by a dumpster that Shannon stopped and turned.
“You were saying?” Taylor asked haughtily.
The two girls ignored Renee who was standing on the sidelines watching the intense fight. This was unfinished business they had to solve.
“Why are you here?” Shannon demanded.
Unlike Shannon, Taylor didn’t think before she spoke. Shannon knew how to play her. The ins and outs of how she thought. When Taylor was mad, she said things without realization until it was too late.
“Me? You’re the one interrupting our date!”
Shannon smiled, “Finally got what was coming to you, Taylor?”
“Date?” Renee asked coming in between them, “This was a date?”
“No, no. It wasn’t a date-“ Shannon was starting to sweat under the pressure, “You know what I mean!”
“Actually I don’t,” Renee asked this in a calm and comforting manner-not angry
Taylor turned around in a circle and threw her hands up in the air in frustration, “What I mean, what I mean is…aw, shit.”
Shannon had finally gotten Taylor to crack.
“Do you two know each other?” Renee asked, her voice low.
This time Shannon recognized the tone in her voice. She knew what was going to happen next.
“As of matter of fact,” Taylor paused, “We go back a few years.”
Shannon blinked. It was just her lucky night, “Taylor is one of my exes from New York.”
Renee was stunned, “You were going to tell me this when?”
Shannon figured this was directed towards her, “Well, um, when you got home. I was planning on talking to you about Denise.”
“Denise?” Taylor laughed, “How many girls have you bagged, Shan?”
Shannon shot Taylor a dirty look, “I’m sorry, Renee.”
In a plot to seek revenge on Taylor, she had started a battle with herself.
First Renee’s eyes flickered with something Shannon couldn’t understand, fury- optimism-envy? Shannon couldn’t tell. Her eyes told no secrets. That’s when she reached for Taylor’s arm as her voice broke, “Get me away from here,”
Shannon tried to stop her-to plead for her to stay so that she could apologize. She always screwed things up. Renee was right-she was jealous that Taylor was experiencing what Shannon had only dreamt of.
She called for Renee to stay in a last resort as they got further down the ally and to the street. Shannon ran out to try to stop Renee from getting into the car to go off and be alone with Taylor. She watched Renee hurry across the avenue and Taylor open the door for her wasting no time.
It was when Renee was getting in that Shannon stopped abruptly as a car pulled out in front of her so that she could no longer get to her. When it passed, she was left looking at the deserted pavement where the convertible used to be. They had escaped. Shannon knew that even if she had caught up to Renee, she wouldn’t have stayed to listen to anymore of her excuses. Shannon felt like she would break down right then and there and cry. Instead, she pulled herself up, grabbed her purse from where it had fallen, and drove home silently. The tears ran down her cheeks. For the first time she cried. She had told herself she would never cry over a girl. The tears hid nothing but showed the truth and her feelings. She had lied to her best friend in the whole entire world, the only one who understood her. Not her family, not the girls from New York, not her peers. No one but Renee. If she was honest enough, she would had admitted that it was the girl she had only loved.

“So,” Taylor said awkwardly. The car was parked on the side of the road not too far from a Minnesota lake. Renee remembered driving down the same road to visit her grandparents during the summer. It was silent for most of the ride there and now only few cars would pass them breaking the tension.
“You should have told me,” Renee said sensibly, “We’re you ever going to even bring it up?”
‘How could Shannon do that to me and not tell me the truth?’ Renee asked angrily, ‘How could someone I felt so much for lead me on?’
Renee gripped the side of seat harshly trying to keep her nerves at bay. She couldn’t break down in front of Taylor.
“Truthfully, no.” Taylor paused, “If I knew it meant so much to you, I would have. I know I should have told you that what I wanted was a date. My expectations had been high, and you probably would have never agreed to go if you knew. I’m sorry, I want you to know that.”
Renee nodded in agreement knowing it was true. Taylor was just like any other girl looking for love. She was vulnerable just like Renee and had put her feelings out on the line in spite of that.
Renee looked away as a warm sensation caught the attention of her upper thigh. Renee’s eyes flickered down to see Taylor’s hand resting softly on her leg then back up to her eager eyes.
Renee nodded slowly and swallowed as Taylor’s lips crept towards hers. Renee closed her eyes and waited. Renee’s thoughts were “pull away”, but she pushed the voice away. She welcomed her first homosexual kiss. She dug down deep, waiting to feel something. Anything that would give a sign of what she had been beating herself up over for the past months. Taylor’s lips crashed down on Renee’s finally. Renee’s breath didn’t catch, her head didn’t spin, her heart didn’t flutter, her legs didn’t wobble, and her crotch didn’t throb. Her lips were on Renee’s, moving around. Renee kissed back mechanically, but felt nothing inside. It just was. She pulled away, “What are you doing?” she asked like what just happened didn’t exist.
Taylor pulled away and looked around, “Something wrong?” she asked, her lips red.
Renee looked down at Taylor’s hand still on her leg and moved it away, “I want to go home.”
“What?”
“Take me home,” she said more firmly as she stared straight ahead.
“So, that’s it?” Taylor turned away and hit the steering wheel.
“What did you expect?”
“What did I expect?” Taylor shook her head, “You’re just like any other girl experimenting. It’s all fun and games until it gets all hot and heavy then it’s back on the straight bus. This might not have been a date, but I knew there was something about you. Something different not like any other girls.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t feel about you that way…I can’t.”
Renee scrunched her eyebrows, “I can’t.” she repeated trying to get it through her head. Even if I know it’s what I want, who I want, I can’t.
“Well I’m sorry for asking you out. I better get you home before mother worries.” Taylor snapped as she shoved the keys into the ignition and the engine thundered.
“I’m just-I’m just confused, Taylor. I don’t want to feel these things inside me.”
Taylor shook her head and made left turn back onto the road.

It was when they were two blocks from Renee’s house that Taylor spoke, “I understand,” she said soothingly.
Renee didn’t say anything. She was too frustrated.
“You love her.”
Renee’s throat went dry and she sputtered pathetically for her next words.
“Love who?”
Renee kept her eyes looking out the window, “Shannon. It was written all over your face, Renee. Don’t play dumb, it’s not cute on you.”
Taylor giggled and finally turned onto Renee’ street. Renee checked her watch to see that it was nearly twelve.
“I do not,” Renee lied.
She did know just how she felt. She wanted Shannon so bad, but it hurt knowing she’d never be able to have her.
“It’s okay. I get it,” Taylor said with a comforting smile, “It’s hard to get past what you know is right and what’s true. The bad part about being gay is that some people you’ve known all your life, gone to school with, or don’t even know, might hate you for it.”
Renee turned towards Taylor to find her starring at her, “Screw it. I can’t deal with this.”
“You have to, Renee. You can’t deny what’s right in front of you.”
Renee kept her mouth shut until Taylor drove up in front of her house.
Taylor saw that the light was on, “Even if it doesn’t work out, Renee. I hope we can stay friends after all this is done.”
“Thanks for everything,” she whispered as she leaned over to hug Taylor.
“One more thing,” Renee started.
“What?”
"What are you doing here in Minnesota?”
Taylor laughed, “Road trip to California. I had heard Shannon moved here and decided to stop by. Even if we ended badly, I know that you can always patch things up with that girl.”
Renee laughed with her, “Thanks again,” she breathed.
The words of engorgement gave her hope. They always made up.
Taylor nodded to Renee as she stepped away to the curb. Renee waved as the car rumbled down the street. It was then quiet. Dark green eyes watched from the shadows the entire time. Renee had noticed the car parked across the street. With it being nighttime, the big black SUV was almost hidden.
Shannon glared and started up the car. As she hit the gas, the tires squealed on the pavement.
Renee turned around quickly to see the familiar Escalade pulling away from across the street. Renee hurried out to the car and even if it meant getting hit, anything would be better than the feeling that was coursing through her. She stepped out in front of moving vehicle. Renee knew who it was.
The tires screeched to a halt and Renee stood with her hand up trying to shield away the glare from the headlights. Shannon looked at her from the inside as Renee rested her hands on the hood in exhaustion. Renee prayed that Shannon would step out. She was grateful when she saw the door swing open and heels crunch down on the loose gravel.
“I could have killed you!” she exclaimed, her face white.
Renee pushed up from the hood and stepped around to where Shannon stood, “Why is it that we always seem to have our conversations at night?” Renee asked.
Shannon wasn’t amused, “It’s in the dark that people show the world who they really are. I’m-I’m sorry…I shouldn’t had followed you on your date.”
“I wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”
“What? Forgive-“
“You.” Renee finished, “I know that you did it because you care.”
Shannon was quiet and Renee took it as a sign to move on.
“When Taylor kissed me, I wished it were you. When her lips were on mine, I was thinking of you.”
Shannon looked away, but spoke solemnly, “I always think of you.”
This was good. They were finally getting somewhere. Renee was about to continue when the front door to her house was thrown open, “Renee, what are you doing still outside?”
Renee cringed and turned towards her mother, “Be right in!” she called out.
Shannon took hold of Renee’s hand; “We’ll continue this later.”
Renee nodded, “Tomorrow.”

Chapter 18: Moving on Up
Renee had invited Shannon over that day after school to pick something out to wear. Her mother had gone grocery shopping and would be home later that night. All through the school day Renee had been anticipating tonight, thinking about what she was going to wear. What she was going to say, and for some reason she couldn’t find a suitable outfit. Shannon had teased her and kept hinting at the possibility that it was a date, “You better watch out,” Shannon whispered, “She might try something with you.”
“Shannon, it’s not a date!”
Renee instantly pushed the thought away. They were just going to hang out-that’s it. Or at least, all Renee expected was going to happen.
“Remind me of that what she’s trying to get in your pants!”
Renee gave her an annoyed look and picked up a pillow. Shannon ducked as Renee threw it, “You’re making this out to be much more than it is,” she insisted.
Renee sat down on her bed and fell backward. She rubbed her face in weariness. Why couldn’t they just talk like they used to?
“You’re just jealous!” Renee heard herself say.
“Jealous?” Shannon laughed, “Trust me, it’s nothing to me.”
“I think you’re upset that I’m going to be spending a night out and you’re not involved!”
“Oh, that’s it, Renee.” Shannon rolled her eyes as she walked in front of the closet, "I'm so jealous!"
“You’re sure acting like it.”
“Just forget it, okay?”
Renee had fun watching Shannon squirm. The tables had turned. This time it was Shannon who was wondering what she was doing when she wasn’t around.
“It’s not like you’re my girlfriend,” Renee muttered, “You have no right to be.”
Renee saw Shannon stop where she was and turn, “Who said I wanted to be?”
“N-no one,” she stammered.
She wasn’t ready to admit her feelings. Not when in just a few hours she would be with another girl.
“That’s what I thought.” Shannon smiled tightly, “Get over here, Renee.”
Renee obliged and walked over to where Shannon was. She held up a pair of khaki pants, black shirt, and a pair of Converse.
“Don’t worry,” Shannon pushed the clothes into Renee’s arms, “She’s not going to be ogling your goodies.”
Renee grinned, “Yeah, that’d be so horrible.”
She sighed nervously not at all looking forward to what was to come later that night.

Renee sat on the couch patiently waiting for Taylor to arrive. Shannon had stuck around to keep her company. Despite how nervous Renee was, she didn’t feel like talking. Really, she just didn’t want to get into it with Shannon because if she did, it would be all downhill from there. They sat in silence as Mrs. Wilks busied herself with random tasks in the kitchen trying to keep out of the range of fire.
“What did you say her name was, Renee?” she called out.
“Taylor,” Renee replied finally having a moment to look away from Shannon’s eyes.
“Where did you meet her?”
Renee looked at Shannon unsurely who shrugged, “School.”
“Am I going to be able to meet her parents before you go out tonight?”
“No.”
Renee glared at Shannon who stifled a laugh then continued, “I’ll be fine.”
“I still want to meet her. We already found out what happened when you associated with a complete stranger.”
Renee didn’t respond to her mother’s order and leaned back into the cushion of the couch. She smiled apologetically to Shannon who let her mouth hang open in shock from the comment that was made.
Renee quickly forgot Shannon as the doorbell was rung. Her palms started to sweat and her heart thumped loudly as she walked past Shannon and to the door. Taking the time to wipe them on her pants, she reached for the door handle. There stood Taylor. She was wearing a very formal, yet short, dress that was black with multiple sequins. Over it, there was a full-length white shrug that covered her arms and her hair was pulled back half way in a ponytail with berets, “Hey,” she said.
She looked gorgeous.
Renee didn’t say anything, but looked over to Shannon who was signaling that she was going to leave. Renee nodded and turned back to Taylor, “We can-“
Renee closed her eyes embarrassingly as she heard her mother’s voice coming closer, “Renee,” she yelled as she dried off her hands with a dishtowel, “Wait a moment.”
Renee pulled the door to where it was fully open revealing Taylor.
Taylor smiled as she saw her and held out her hand, “Taylor Cross.”
“Well, Taylor,” her mother grinned, “I’m Mrs. Wilks. You can call me Laura though.”
What the hell kind of charade is she putting on? Where was this when Shannon came along?
“Nice to meet you, Laura.”
Renee rolled her eyes, “We really should be going,” Renee argued, “We’ll miss our reservations.”
“It’s okay, Renee. Honestly,” Taylor said, “We have all night.”
Mrs. Wilks, or “Laura” as she would like to be called, shook her head, “No, you two go ahead. I don’t want to keep you waiting.”
Taylor pulled Renee closer, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her.”
Renee looked at her mother’s expression. She looked thrilled to actually be letting Renee leave on a school night.
Taylor was about to drag Renee off to her blue convertible that sat parked out front when her mother stopped her, “Now why don’t you have more friends like that?”
Renee clenched her teeth trying to hold back the remark she was about to make.
“Who knows,” she replied.

Stalker. That’s what she was. She was shallow, and no good, and wrong. She was doing it though. She was spying. Shannon Willis, because she had made no move, was spying on Renee. She felt horrible. Across the restaurant, in a table for one by the bathroom, she hid behind a menu. After waving the waiter away when he asked if she would like anything to drink, she peeked at the two who sat rather cozy in the booth they shared. They were talking to each other closely. Ever so often Shannon would see Taylor place her hand on Renee’s and she’d get a burning feeling in her stomach. No wonder Renee had felt so horrible after the fiasco with Denise. Shannon wished she could tell Renee that she was sorry-that she never meant to hurt her. After letting the menu fall to the table, she sat back and watched the two as they ordered. Renee, never the one to be confident, let Taylor cut in to order for her. The waiter then smiled at them both and walked away to the kitchen.
Shannon gasped as she was tapped on the shoulder. She turned to see a burly man who was quite old standing in front of her. It was the manager.
“Excuse me,” he paused to lean on the table and looked her square in the eye, “If you’re not going to be ordering anything, you need to assist yourself towards the exit. We have paying costumers waiting, and we would really like to have them seated.”
Shannon stood up slowly as he rose up off the table ledge, “You really don’t understand, I’m on a…mission of sorts.”
He glanced over to where she was looking and saw the two girls, “You’ll have to work something out later.”
Shannon stuttered trying to think of something to tell him to let her stay. She needed to do this. If not for herself, at least Renee. She couldn’t trust Taylor to not take advantage.
He gripped her forearm and pulled her towards the exit. Shannon blushed as people turned to stare. Here she was, rock bottom, and now she was getting kicked out with an audience. Shannon froze as she saw Renee step in front of her, “She’s with me,” she said.
The manager looked down at Shannon then to Renee. He let go of her arm and shrugged, “Alright, but please sit at the assigned table."
Shannon nodded and rubbed her arm as he walked away, “Man, it’s like he had a death grip on my arm. I swear it’s about to fall-“
“Shannon,” Renee said sternly, “What are you doing here?”
Shannon turned to see Taylor take a sip of her drink and smile. Shannon jumped as she felt Renee’s hand on her arm, “Were you spying on me?”
Shannon’s throat closed up. Never before had she seen Renee look so upset…so, unsympathetic.
“No-no, of course not.” Shannon shook her head in disbelief, “Why would I do that?”
Renee crossed her arms, ignoring the stares that were effulging her, “I don’t know. Maybe because you’re egotistical?”
Shannon let her mouth drop, “I’m what?”
“You’re selfish, Shannon! You think about nothing but yourself. Couldn’t you have just let this one thing be mine? Instead you just screwed everything up!”
I’ve done nothing but think of you…
Taylor had walked over now and slipped her arm around Renee’s waist. Shannon felt her heart crash, “You really should be going, Shannon.”
“Going? You’re one to talk! I can’t believe-“
The manager had come up again to Shannon, “You’re creating quite a scene. I suggest you take this outside.”
All three girls looked at him then at each other. Taylor dug into her purse and threw a couple twenties on the table, “Let’s hit the madness.”

Chapter 17: Fast Times
Renee sat watching Shannon dance on the floor from the corner booth they shared. Her hips swayed to the music with her eyes closed not caring who was watching.
Renee smiled as Shannon opened them to give her a sexy grin. She was so confident in her actions. She made a motion for Renee to join her, but Renee shook her head. It was the second song that night that she had resulted to sitting alone only watching Shannon. She really needed to talk to her about their relationship. It wasn’t exactly the place Renee had in mind.
Suddenly Renee was distracted from her thoughts of Shannon when a girl came over and ordered her a drink.
Renee blushed furiously when she couldn’t remember her own name. The girl waited patiently after introducing herself.
Taylor, Renee repeated quietly to herself.
Renee tried to form some semblance of a sentence, but found that she couldn’t get her mouth to move.
“Renee,” was all she could manage out as Taylor offered her hand. Renee looked around her subtly for backup but Shannon had disappeared from sight.
“Thanks for the drink, Taylor.” Renee said flirtatiously, not really knowing why it came out like that. Taylor smiled at Renee crookedly, which was making Renee’s heart flutter.
“So, are you single Ms. Renee?” she asked casually while leaning her elbows on the table and sipping the drink that had just arrived.
“At the moment, yes. I haven’t found anyone that’s caught my attention yet,” Renee told her.
Not that I want to acknowledge.
Renee blinked, stunned for a second wondering where it had come from. But this time, she did not get a reply.
Renee tuned back into their conversation finally as Taylor pointed over her shoulder. Renee turned and saw a guy looking at her expectantly from across the club. He came over and introduced himself, “Jack,” he said and smiled at Taylor. Taylor smiled courteously and rolled her eyes as she turned away from him.
“Take a seat, Jack.” Taylor said pointing to the empty space while keeping her eyes on Renee.
They talked about nothing for a while as Jack tried so blatantly to flirt with Taylor. She politely ignored his advances and Renee didn’t know why- for a while. That was, until Taylor giggled girlishly at something funny she had apparently said and let her fingers gently caress her forearm. Renee blinked; trying to decide what to do with this new information, and finally smiled back at her.
So, Taylor is gay?
Jack still remained oblivious. Renee’s suspicions were confirmed after she let her eyes linger on Taylor's a moment longer then considered ‘platonically correct’ as she winked subtly at her. Renee tried not to but she knew she was blushing.
Jack got up to get some more drinks and Taylor and Renee settled into mindless banter. Taylor giggled again, and her hand came to rest on Renee’s thigh. Renee tensed and forgot completely about what they had been talking about. She felt her skin get hot as she realized that maybe, she wasn’t as unlike Taylor as she had been telling herself.
She gasped lightly at the realization- or maybe that was the unexpected hand on her shoulder now.
Feeling jumpy, Renee stood up immediately at the contact and felt guilty for some unexplainable reason. Renee followed the tan fingers up the arm, to the muscular, but feminine shoulders and neck, to the perfectly cut jaw and pouty lips. Renee’s breath caught in her chest as she looked into her alarmingly brilliant, green eyes.
“Shannon!” Renee shrieked, her voice coming out higher than she intended it to.
Shannon pulled her in for a hug, Renee was so glad that she was there… maybe more glad that just a ‘friend’ would be. So many thoughts went through Renee’s head that she didn’t fully understand yet.
“Hey, Renny, who’s your friend?” Shannon asked, her voice coming off protective even to Renee.
Renee was usually clueless when it came to Shannon- that much she knew. Plus, she had never sounded so flirty, at least not anywhere but on the phone. It sent tingles through Renee, ones even more intense then the ones she got when Taylor put her hand on her thigh.
“Oh, sorry this is-”
“Taylor,” the brunette introduced herself while standing up, putting her hand out to Shannon. Shannon looked at it disdainfully before sticking her own out to shake. It was then that Renee realized that she was still clinging to Shannon’s arm girlishly. Renee blushed once again feeling that she must be wearing her feelings on face. She stepped away, thankful that the dark lights of the club that hid her scarlet cheeks.
“Shannon,” she said before sitting down.
Renee noticed some weird eye contact between the two, but shrugged it off.
“I thought you would never get off the dance floor. Aren’t we going to talk?” Renee asked playfully as she pushed the drink Jack had brought for her towards Shannon and swirled what was left in the bottom of her own cup. Shannon took the bottle and poured half the contents into Renee’s cup, and half into hers absentmindedly as she explained that they would later, but not now. Renee completely missed her words as she gushed sarcastically over how nice Shannon was to Taylor. As a friend of course.
“Well I don’t care, I’m just glad you’re finally here.” Renee told Shannon simply as she smiled at her and swigged her drink. Jack sat back down with a smile and introduced himself. Shannon nodded, but kept her eyes glued to the table. Soon they had all settled back into a conversation that had little or no point but still managed to keep each other entertained. Jack made a comment about how lucky he was to be with such beautiful women while both Taylor and Shannon sighed heavily.
“Why don’t we leave?” Shannon asked suddenly as she leaned over towards Renee. Taylor and Jack hadn’t heard and kept talking so Renee turned to Shannon and lowered her voice.
“Leave? We only just got here.”
Shannon surprised Renee with the question and smiled at her before she raised her eyebrows in an impatient manor and ruined the moment. Renee sighed and mouthed, “What’s wrong with you?” before turning her attention to Taylor.
Renee could feel Shannon’s eyes burning into her back, but she couldn’t stop herself from blatantly flirting with the girl in front of her. Renee was rudely interrupted by the overly hormonal Jack right when she was sure Taylor was going to ask her something important.
“So, um, Taylor… do you want to dance?” Jack asked, unaware, once again, to the tension at the table. Shannon glared at him, Renee rolled her eyes and Taylor made an remorseful face.
“Actually I was just about to dance with Renee, but perhaps the next one?” she said swiftly before grabbing her hand and dragging Renee to the dance floor before she could object. Not that she would have if she had been given the chance. She had immediately forgotten what they had come there to do.

“What’s with the kidnapping?” Renee asked Taylor as the two danced together sensually, the tiny bit of alcohol in their systems helped them get over their shyness.
“It would be lame if I danced with myself- again,” Taylor joked. Renee stared deeply into the other girl’s eyes trying to read her. She laughed at her joke finally when she couldn’t see anything telling there.
“Couldn’t you have danced with the lovely Jack?” Renee purred, knowing the answer that was coming.
“Well, I would much rather dance with you. If you hadn’t noticed yet, I don’t exactly play for that team."
Renee smiled at her as she wrapped her arms tighter around the girl’s neck and pressed her lips against her ear.
“I noticed,” was her only reply as the two girls started grinding against each other, one feeling overwhelmed with intense feelings, the other feeling a type of curious loss that was unexplainable.

“Gag,” Shannon said and rolled her eyes dramatically. She put her feet up on the table and licked her straw sensually. Jack let his eyes catch on the girl’s actions for a moment before he asked her what had been on his mind since they had left.
“Why won’t she reciprocate when I hit on her? Is it because I’m black?”
Shannon laughed almost sinisterly at the question as her and her newfound ‘brood buddy’ watched the girls dance even closer then they were previously. “Honey, it’s got nothing to do with the fact that you’re black,” Shannon said quietly. Her voice was barely audible over the loud music but Jack heard, and he was now even more confused.
“What is it then?” The poor guy asked Shannon dejectedly. She shook her head as her eyes tried to shoot lasers at the girls on the dance floor. She couldn’t outright tell him, because that would leave her in a compromising position in his simple mind. So instead she decided she would merely point the obvious things out to him.

“I like dancing with you,” Taylor told Renee.
Renee nodded absentmindedly as her blue eyes darted over her partners shoulder to the table that was only a few yards away.
“Me too,” Renee mumbled as she saw Shannon lean over toward Jack, covering her mouth with her hand as she told him something. He nodded, a confused look apparent on his face. The whole while Shannon was smiling mischievously, but something dark was in her eyes. Renee glared and turned her attention back to Taylor.
“So, I was wondering something,” Taylor started.
When it sounded as if she didn’t want to continue Renee urged her with a look. Taylor sighed before saying ‘Now don’t freak out’. Renee nodded and waited impatiently.
“I wanted to know if you’d be interested in heading to this restaurant tomorrow? With me,” Taylor asked simply, her confidence showed through brightly and made Renee blush a little.
“I- I-”

“See how close they’re dancing? That’s not how you dance with a girl that’s a friend,” Shannon told Jack slowly, her eyebrows rose suggestively.
The clueless male was still oblivious after the sixth hint and Shannon was starting to get pissed. She looked away angrily to see that Kat was working behind the bar serving shots and mixes quickly to the few people that lingered. She was meaning to thank her for her advice the night of her emotional breakdown that had blocked out all rational thinking. She wanted to desperately tell Renee about that night, but not now.
“Look at the way Taylor’s hand is on Renee’s back in an authoritative way, and how when she talks to her, she puts her lips near her ear,” Shannon said leaning back in her chair finally as the boy observed. Shannon had always been an excellent observer of body language and it was a trick that came in handy very often.
“I still don’t-”
Shannon cursed and turned to Jack, “She’s gay!” she yelled, almost loud enough for the couple to hear her. She sat back down with as a deep sigh as she analyzed Jack closely. The realization ticked over in his head and Shannon nodded supportively. “Taylor’s very, very gay, Jack. Sorry,” she added the last part softly. The hurt was so strong in her small voice that Jack took notice of the helpless brunette in front of him for the first time since he had met her.
“H-How are you so sure?”
His voice was hoarse; his mouth dry. He knew something-something obvious that he should have sensed since the two shook hands. But he just couldn’t put his finger on it. Little did he know that Renee was having the same problem not far away.

“Sure, I guess. Wait, is this a date?” Renee asked her new friend.
She would be embarrassed if she had read too much into it, but she would also be embarrassed if she was completely oblivious to what was supposed to be obvious.
Taylor’s eyes lifted from Renee’s lips and she smiled deviously, “Nah.”
She shook her head and replied with a wink. Renee’s stomach flopped, she didn’t know if it was in a good way or bad.
“Right, so we’re just two friends- going out to eat together.”
“As friends, as friend do all the time.”
“Right.” Renee said again, trying to push some of the pressure away.
What would Shannon say?

“I’m sure because-” Shannon struggled with herself as she looked into his comforting brown eyes. She knew she couldn’t exactly trust him, but from past experiences, it never hurt to be honest. Not that telling him this little piece of information would secure the thought in his mind that she was head over heels in love with the girl out on the dance floor. But she just didn’t want to be more obvious then she already was. “Taylor is my ex.”
Shannon had recognized Taylor from the moment she had met her earlier that night. It was in New York where the two had been together. For the short amount of time they shared, Taylor was the kind of girl that when she saw something she wanted, she went for it. She went for a lot of things; like Renee for example. Now she was in Minnesota and Shannon didn’t know why.
She sat up as she saw the two girls making their way back the table. Renee looked awfully nervous and smiled weakly, “How about we head home, Shannon?” she asked.
Shannon looked at Renee curiously and then to Taylor who was standing behind her giving the same look. Shannon guessed they wouldn’t be having their little heart to heart.
“Sure,” she replied and stood up, “It was nice meeting the two of you.” Shannon lied.
It was anything but nice.
“You too,” Jack said, “I wouldn’t have known about, well, you know.”
Shannon shook head amusingly. Guys could be so brainless when it came to what was right in front of them, “Good thing they’re not our only choice,” she said which earned her another perplexed look.
Renee took hold of Shannon’s arm, “Come on,” she urged pulling Shannon away from the table.
“Nice meeting you, Renee. I look forward to tomorrow night.”
Shannon looked back to Taylor who was waving; when Taylor caught her eyes, she smiled smugly.
Shannon shot back a pretentious look then turned away to catch up with Renee.
It was half way towards the exit when Shannon stopped her, “Tomorrow night?”
Renee looked around unsurely, “Yeah, we’re going to eat.”
“Isn’t that a date?” Shannon asked wondering what it was that made Renee agree. Not in a million years would she ever be so subtle.
“No,” Renee said, wanting to believe it, but deep down she knew why she was asked, “Just as friends.”
“Alright,” Shannon smiled and shrugged, “Let’s get you back home.”
Shannon didn’t think that she would tell Renee about Taylor until later. Maybe after she got home from the date and they could finally catch up on what they’ve been meaning to discuss since that morning. They couldn’t at school with all the faculty and students around, so it would have to be put on hold. Again. Shannon had come to the club in hopes to talk to Renee in confidence even if it wasn’t the most quiet of places. It had been put off long enough because of all the things that kept getting in the way. Shannon had thought that they could be alone in the comfort of their booth and have a couple drinks to be put at ease about their situation. That was until Taylor had come along. Shannon made a mental note to ask Renee why it was that she was in Minnesota of all places. The one good thing about it all was that if she couldn’t further Renee’s sexual self-assurance, at least Taylor would send her in the right direction.
It’s going to be a long day…

Chapter 16: Look, but Don’t Touch
Shannon had snuck down to the couch from Renee’s room around seven. She didn’t want Mother Superior to come in and find her most despised enemy in her daughter’s bed.
It’d be the death of her.
Lying on the couch, Shannon waited for Renee to wake up. She went over their late night conversation and all the things it would lead to. Thinking of Renee’s face, she sat up hastily as she heard someone descending the stairs. Her face brightened in expectancy, but frowned as she saw that it was the Devil herself.
Mrs. Wilks had an equally sour face, “I expect you to be gone by eight.”
Shannon rolled her eyes.
You are definitely not a morning person.
Shannon watched as she disappeared into the kitchen. She perked up when she saw Renee come down the stairs still in her pajamas.
Renee smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. Shannon returned the gesture as Renee walked over to the couch and crossed her arm in front of her chest. She bent down, “I wondered where you were. I woke up and you weren’t there.”
Shannon felt a pang of guilt, but chased it away, “Did you miss me?”
“Of course. After all that had happened…”
“Right,” Shannon remembered, “Speaking of that, we should talk.”
“Okay,” Renee made her way around the couch and sat down, “Let’s talk.”
Shannon shook her head, “Not here.”
Renee looked over to the kitchen where she saw her mother sitting down at the table reading the newspaper, “Oh,” she nodded.
“I’ll come pick you up later. We can go to my house.”
“If I can get out,” Renee pointed over to her mother who was now drinking a cup of coffee, the steam rising, “It might be hard.”
Shannon quirked an eyebrow, “Trust me, it’ll be worth it.”

“Why are you here so late? Did you have to get your fill of Romeo and Juliet?” Renee called out.
She looked down at Shannon who was standing under her bedroom window.
“You wouldn’t answer your phone,” Shannon craned her neck upward, “I would had rung the doorbell, but didn’t want to get into it with your mother.”
Her mother had surprisingly gone to work leaving her home alone for the night once again. Renee thought that it was the only way she could get Shannon out of her mind with her little “scheme” about how she was trying to corrupt her daughter. So there was no need in actually sneaking out although Renee would miss the fun aspect of it all.
Renee didn’t feel the need to explain, “You couldn’t have just waited until I called?”
Shannon shook her head, “No,” she said.
“I’ll be down in minute,” Renee promised.
Renee pulled a pair of black cargo pants up over her slim hips and stuck her feet into a pair of unlaced tennis shoes. She didn't bother with a shirt since she was wearing a tank top. She then returned to the window. Renee didn’t see Shannon and stuck her head out, “Way to be patient, Shannon.”
After slipping out the front door, Renee searched for Shannon in the darkness.
“Over here.”
Renee jumped startled at the sound of Shannon’s voice coming from the dark. She rubbed her arms against the chill of the night air and trotted over to Shannon’s car that was parked in the driveway. Renee pulled the passenger door open to see the interior light come on. And Shannon’s outfit.
“Whoa,” Renee gasped, “Where are you going?”
“Not where I’m going, Renee. It’s where we’re going.”
Renee had never seen Shannon wearing such skimpy clothes. She wore a short mini, a top that showed off her tanned midriff, and a pair of what looked like stiletto heels.
Shannon grinned, “Hop in, we’ve got to get you ready.”
Renee slid in the car without hesitation and leaned back against the tope colored leather. After pulling the seat belt across her chest safely, Shannon put the car in gear and hit the gas.
Renee caught Shannon looking at her, “Definitely not club material,” she noticed.
“Club?” Renee nearly choked, “There are no clubs.”
“Relax, Ren. Just because you’ve never seen one doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Renee nodded trying to assure herself.
"No one is going to know you're gone," Shannon glanced over at Renee and frowned; "You're going to catch pneumonia…"
Renee rolled her eyes with Shannon's sarcastice remark. It was just breezy out.
Shannon reached into the back seat and pulled an old jacket off the floor.
"Here," she handed the light weight denim jacket to Renee, "Put this on. It’s clean,” she added.
Renee ignored her offer, "Shannon, if my mother gets home to find I’m not home I'm going to be in so much trouble."
"Don't worry," Shannon assured her, "I'll have you home before anyone knows you're gone. We’re just talking remember? Since when do you care, anyways?" Shannon asked.
Renee nodded in agreement and looked out the window to see Shannon’s SUV flying past the town’s limit.
Shannon glanced over at Renee again, "Put that jacket on," she insisted, "You're only in a tank-top for Christ sakes! I might be new to Minnesota, but I do know it gets cold at night in November.”
“I'm not even cold, Shannon! Why are you wearing a mini skirt then?”
“It’s all in the look, Renee. Don’t you worry about me.”
Renee relented and pulled the jacket on. She immediately embraced the warmth and caught a whiff of Shannon’s perfume on the garment. "Thanks."
Shannon grinned, "You're welcome. I promise to have you home before you're missed."
Renee reluctantly felt herself trusting Shannon ever so slowly. She kept quiet for the rest of the ride to Shannon’s, only stopping to fight with her about what was being played on the radio. Renee hunkered down in the depths of Shannon’s jacket and stole quick glances. Shannon’s hands were gripped on the wheel, her hair up in a simple yet elegant bun, and eyes glittering in headlights that would pass.
“Here we are,” Shannon broke in as she pulled into the driveway.
Renee smiled uneasily and let her hand rest on the door handle waiting to get out. Shannon pulled her keys out of the ignition and unlocked the doors, “Ready?”
Renee took a breath, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

As Shannon led Renee towards her bedroom, she contemplated on what she would say. Even if they would be going to the very club that had caused them avoiding each other, Shannon knew that once they arrived Renee would have no where to run if things got too heated.
Shannon pulled the two closet doors open as Renee sat down overwhelmingly starring at the lines of clothes all color coordinated.
“My mother’s doing,” Shannon explained seeing Renee’s shock, “She can go overboard sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Renee laughed.
Shannon ventured into the closet, “So, what do you usually wear when you go out?”
“I don’t really go out. Maybe something with a bit more…coverage?” she asked after eyeing Shannon once more.
“We’ll have to change that won’t we?” she asked.
Shannon grabbed a few clothes that hung on hangers and walked out. She held up the outfit for Renee to see.
“Oh, no. I can’t possibly wear that, Shannon! No way!” Renee shook her head repulsively.
Shannon laid down the clothes on her bed for Renee to get a closer look. Shannon watched Renee’s little rant with more than a hint of amusement on her features. She knew that Renee would have a problem with what she had picked out, but she also knew that after a little coercing Renee would be all for it.
“Come on, it’s what you wear to clubs.”
“Yeah, if I’m a desperate hooker.”
“Whose to say you’re not?” Shannon joked, “Just try it on, Renee,” she pleaded.
Renee pushed herself up from the couch and grabbed the clothes and heels away from the bed, “Fine.”
Shannon sat patiently as she heard the constant sounds coming from in her bathroom, “Need any help?” she asked smiling and wriggling her eyebrows.
“No,” she heard Renee’s voice shake.
Shannon turned her head to where she could see Renee through the crack that was left open from the door. She felt her stomach do a flip-flop, the butterflies flapping their wings pleasantly. Inside the door, she saw Renee wearing her white panties and lacy bra. Her milky skin made up all of her, from her bare stomach to her curvy legs. Shannon was at a loss for words.
“I can’t do this, Shannon. I can’t even wear this out of the bathroom much less out in public!”
“Get out here right now, Wilks!”
Her mouth must had been hanging open. She immediately turned away when she saw Renee’s expression as she walked out dressed. The skirt Renee wore was a silky material that barely covered her thighs. The heels had leather straps that wrapped around her ankles, and a three-quarter inch shirt that was striped showing her shoulders off. Shannon couldn’t speak; Renee had literally taken her breath away.
“Damn, if I get this reaction from you, imagine what I’m going to do to everyone else in the club.” Renee said cheekily.
She sashayed and spun around, “You like?” she cooed.
Shannon nodded wordlessly and wiped the invisible drool from her chin. She stood completely stunned and somehow formed words, “You’re missing something,”
Renee looked confused, but didn’t say anything. Shannon walked back into the closet and picked out a studded belt and necklace.
Shannon handed Renee the belt and looked away.
Renee placed the belt around her hips and then stood still waiting for a direction.
“Hold your hair up,”
Renee complied and lifted her hair.
With shaky fingers, Shannon undid the clasp and leaned forward slowly. She placed the beaded necklace delicately around Renee’s smooth neck. Shannon looked at Renee whose mouth was slightly open and eyes cast downward. Shannon let her fingers linger, the touch raising the small hairs on Renee’s neck. She then pulled away, “There,” Shannon stood back admiring Renee once more, “Oh, and these.”
Shannon handed Renee a pair twinkling raindrop earrings from the dresser. Renee raised her hands to each her ears and slipped them through the holes.
“Ready to go?” she asked.
Shannon raised her eyes slowly, “Yeah,” she turned away and walked to the door, “Yeah.”
I don’t know how I’m going to be able to resist temptation tonight…

Chapter 15: Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Shannon couldn’t get to sleep that night.

I love her. I love her.

The words, even mouthed silently in the quiet of Renee’s living room, angled her jaw in ways she is unused to. She tried the more familiar.

I want her. I want Renee.

That's an undeniable fact. She wanted Renee. Renee wanted her too, this much she knew. Even if Renee hadn’t gathered up the courage to admit it. Another fact. These are the building blocks, the simple rules of attraction.

She had been here before. The want. The desire. The heady beginning with all the usual symptoms of physical infatuation; sweaty palms, the purely excited reaction to every sound her cell phone made, and all those looks exchanged, burning them with a hungry fire. This has all happened before. She knew how to medicate herself through lust. The steps were familiar: the onset of fever, the full-blown case of the affliction, and then the speedy recovery into full mental health – and on to another adventure.

And yet, despite the familiar signs, none of this is the same. She was in love with Renee. She had been speaking the language of Lust for so long and so eloquently, she knew the shorthand of it by heart. It was always the condensed version with Shannon; a night, a week, and then a plain, final goodbye. Cliff's Notes of Relationships. Simple. Small words, short sentences, quick pay-off. Now she had been rendered mute by this new dialect her stubborn heart was insisting upon, all the short words made unintelligible, the message changed. She wanted Renee. True. And, yet, the meaning is not the same anymore. Lust is love. Love is...

Shannon would laugh at herself if she weren't afraid it would turn slightly hysterical. All these maudlin thoughts inside her head, all these trite poetics, but when she opened her mouth to say something, say anything to Renee, nonsense came out. I love these that you’re fucking doing this for me, for God's sake? She had been rendered mute, tongue tied into a Gordian knot in her mouth, but all these new words, unknown and strangely shaped, kept knocking into her clenched teeth, wanting out.

I love her.

She tasted them; rolled their shape across a tongue unused to talking about such things.

I love her. I love Renee.

She tried to get used to their heaviness in her mouth, to rub down the sharp edges of their meaning.

Say it, Shannon.

She opened her mouth. She licked her lips. She had been rendered mute. It's a new virus, this mutation burning into her cells with every beat of her heart, a disease she thought herself inoculated against. Love. Love has rendered her mute. Love, still, wanted to be spoken of.

I love her.

She can't stop the thought, this inner mantra, any more than she could stop the rush of blood in her veins.

How could a truth so self-evident escape me for so long? How could I be so afraid of what was right in front of me?

Was it there all along, a familiar graffiti on the wall directly in front of her, unintelligible to the untrained eye?

She had learned a new language. She grasped the meaning. She cannot shape the words yet.

I love her.

This love has rendered her mute.

The rules change when you move from the sidelines and join the game, Shannon.

Very well. She had been rendered mute. The words crowded her throat, fighting to get out. She cannot use them.

She looked at her hands. So steady now. Very well.

My speech has failed me?

She would learn the language of signs. She would shape the letters with her hands; write out sentences with her fingers. If Renee couldn’t understand Shannon, she would teach her the Braille of her love. They would learn the shape of the new language together.

I love her.

She let the fever take her.

Shannon stood in front of the phone that was attached to the wall. She then looked at the clock on the microwave. It was nearly three in the morning. Picking up the phone, not caring if she’d be waking her, she dialed Denise’s number. She had to end it if there was any hope left for her and Renee. Shannon let the phone ring twice before hanging up. She took a deep breath before trying again. This time Denise picked up on the first ring, “Hello…?” she asked sleepily.
“Denise,” Shannon whispered, “I need to talk to you.”
“At three in the morning?” Denise asked. Shannon heard her roll over and cough.
“It’s about us.”
Shannon heard silence on the other end and took it as an opportunity to let herself slide down to the floor. She felt the cool wall on her lower back and she leaned against it. She stared down at her nails as Denise finally spoke, “What about us? I thought things were going great,”
“It was fun, trust me, but…” Shannon drifted off.
For once in her life Shannon didn’t comply with the rules of the game. This was for Renee; she deserved it.
“It’s that girl, right?” Denise scoffed.
Shannon let out a rush of air and was quiet before speaking again, “I made a mistake.”
“Yeah, you seem to be making a hell lot of mistakes.”
“Denise,” Shannon pleaded, “You of all people knew where this was going to end up.”
Shannon knew Denise was hurt by her decision. She also figured that it would be the best before things got really serious to where there was no turning back.
“I just didn’t think it’d end so soon,”
“It’s for the best, for both-“
“Don’t,” Denise cut her off, “Just don’t expect me to act like nothing happen come Monday morning.”
Shannon jumped as she heard the phone slam down.

An hour after she said goodnight to Shannon, Renee still couldn’t sleep. Fifteen minutes later, an hour after her mother had gone to bed, she was tossing restlessly.
When she was sure that her mother was asleep and she was nowhere near that point, she gave up. Renee got out of bed for the second time that night. She was wearing the little girl pajamas that she used to feel comfortable in because they represented her. And though she’s still the naive girl who knows little and has seen even less, she felt like she had out grown the purple pajamas.
She wore them anyways, because they’re warm and safe. She slipped out of her room and down the stairs, as quietly as she is able.
Shannon was hard to see in the dark, but it wasn't a turning-on-a-light kind of situation, the part of her too big for the pajamas told her. She stood there like some kind of stalker, just staring at the form of a girl under her mom’s crisp blankets, curled quietly on their couch.
She stood there and wished scary, impossible things. Wished she were under those blankets with her. Wished she knew what Shannon’s pajamas looked like, felt like against her skin. She bet they’re not little girl purple.
She wished more hings too scary to even contemplate. Like being in Shannon’s arms as more than her friend. Or kissing her even if she’s still confused about who she is.
I am scared. Scared of what will happen.
The little girl said so, anyway. But Renee didn't want to be the little girl anymore. She wanted to be a girl worthy of Shannon’s friendship and prehaps later, love. She wanted Shannon to be hers-no one elses.
“But that’s stupid," the terrified part of her brain said.
It’s loud, because fear override desire in this case. Maybe it was the pajamas. Maybe the fact that she didn’t wear the matching slippers was what made her touch Shannon’s hand.
The effect was instantaneous. The movement quick and beautiful. Shannon sat up and groped wildly in the darkness. Renee found the light first.
“You again?” Shannon asked.
Renee half expected her to demand to know why she was down there.
"Yes."
She smiled what she wanted to be a Shannon smile, but was pretty sure came out mostly shy little girl Renee instead.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Shannon asked as she ran her hand slowly through her dark red hair.
“No.”
It came out small and childish, soft and almost ashamed.
“Well I can. I was, in fact.”
Too bad I was dreaming of you the whole time…
Her voice is annoyed but her eyes are almost gentle, Renee thought.
Things could be deceiving in the middle of the night.
“Want to raid the fridge?”
This time it’s the little girl pretending to be brave.
“I rather be sleeping,”
“My room’s a lot more comfortable.”
Renee couldn’t believe what had come out.
“Are you propositioning me, Ms. Wilks?”
Renee blushed even though she knew Shannon was only joking.
“I just meant that since my mom was being such a hard ass, you would feel better if you were…upstairs.”
With me, she added quietly to herself.
Her suggestion sounded more and more stupid the further she got to saying it. Shannon didn’t say anything though, she just shrugged and got up. Renee made the little girl smile stay hidden.
They snuck upstairs, the little girl feeling a rush of happiness for being so daring-sneaking Shannon into her room with her mother just down the hall. Renee closed her door and turned on the lights only long enough to help Shannon set up her blankets on the floor.
“This is more comfortable?”
Renee knew without looking that Shannon was smiling.
“Well, um, I…”
“It’s fine, Ren.”
She barely registered the nickname, but it sent a thrill through her all the same.
“I was thinking earlier that we could…”
Renee gestured to her bed stupidly, like the dense little girl she was.
Shannon hesitated as she thought of Renee's offer.
“Better than this,”
Shannon dropped the blankets and jumped for the bed. Renee followed slowly after her.
It was only when the light was turned off and she felt Shannon’s breath on the back of her neck that she realized she never really looked at her pajamas.
It was when Renee was finally almost asleep herself that she decided it didn’t matter.

Shannon couldn’t believe that she was in Renee’s bed. She was so close and yet she could do nothing. She couldn’t explain how she felt; she couldn’t tell Renee that she wished that they were doing more than just sleeping. Shannon studied the back of Renee’s neck memorizing each inch. She counted three freckles at the base, and the softness of the wispy hairs as she reached out to touch them. She saw Renee’s head move slightly and she stopped. She then watched as Renee rolled over-her eyes still closed. Shannon was inches away from her face. If only she could kiss her like she wanted to and not mess it up like the last time she had tried anything. In the moonlight that hit her face from the open window, she looked so pale and fragile. Her skin looked milky smooth like a baby’s. Shannon felt an odd sensation that she was doing something wrong. That looking at Renee without her being aware of it would somehow come back to her. Shannon looked away to stare up at the ceiling. She did her best to push the stunning picture of Renee’s face from her mind.

Chapter 14: Quitting Time
Renee walked home gradually after school that day. She took her time not really caring about when she would get home or how long it would take. She thought of Shannon, her face coming into her head ever so gracefully. Her red hair curled around her face, green eyes deep with emotion, and actions that could take over anyone’s reasonable thought process.
Renee’s spectrum had become demolished. She didn’t know who she could turn to now.
The image was soon shattered as she saw Denise’s face. Cold and heartless dangling Shannon in front of her as if tempting Renee to do something to take her back.
Renee couldn’t stop all this want. The desire that spread through her with each step, each breath, each time her eyelids fluttered trying to keep the tears from falling. Renee didn’t know what she’d do if Shannon had moved onto the next girl so quickly and never knew the truth about how she really felt. With her head bowed counting the sidewalk cracks, Renee went over Shannon’s features from her body to her soul. Each time she found herself growing even more distraught.
Renee looked up to see her house on the corner. The lights were off and her mother’s Volvo wasn’t parked in the driveway. Mrs. Willis was often taking long shifts at the hospital working in the ER.
Renee always figured that it was because she felt she was some high and mighty authority figure that held all the power. She was in control of what was going on. She told the patients what they needed to do, what they couldn’t do, and all they had to choose from was to sit back and watch helplessly as their existence withered away. To her mother, they were just patients; there was nothing else to be said. They could do nothing.
Mrs. Willis didn’t have to take any orders; she was on her own time. If it wasn’t her own daughter, it was anyone else next in line.
Renee dug into her purse looking for the key to the front door as she walked up the porch steps. She didn’t want to enter a house that she didn’t belong in.
Trying to prolong the process, Renee felt the cold metal of the key brush against her hand. She picked it up and slowly pulled it out, starring down at the sharp teeth. Renee slid it into the lock as she gripped the door handle.
Taking a small breath of air to calm her nerves, she twisted her wrist.
Renee pushed open the door to see a small kitchen light on. It was extremely quiet, which was good. Renee needed some time to think while it was still peaceful. Tomorrow would be Saturday and she didn’t know if she could handle being up in her room with the thought of Shannon and Denise off doing God knows what. Renee actually felt happy her mother wasn’t home to question her about what she had been doing. In fact, her mother hadn’t been around for much of the week since the night of her so-called “date”.
After letting her book bag fall to the carpet, she rushed up to her room. Closing the door, she fell back onto her bed. She let her eyes close and her mind relax. It felt good to rest after what all had happened earlier. For a moment the thought of Shannon escaped her…
Renee opened her eyes to see her window across the room; the blinds shut and white curtain in place. She looked over to the digital clock to see that it was nearly six o’clock. Renee listened closely for any sounds coming from downstairs. She heard nothing except the humming of the air conditioner. Her mother should be home by now.
If she really wanted to, Renee felt that she would leave. There was no one stopping her. It would probably be less time consuming than pondering over what she could had done or said to Shannon. It was in the past. She wanted to leave it there until it was brought up again. For now, she wanted to forget Shannon. Renee knew it would be hard. She had tried it countless of times before and all it did was make her realize just how much she cared. Just how much Shannon meant to her, and how much it hurt to not see her.
But how could she?
Shannon had Denise now; she didn’t need Renee’s confusion getting in the way.
If she really felt as I did, she wouldn’t be off with another girl right now. If she really cared, she wouldn’t have left me standing in the hall to watch her walk away. If she really loved-no, she shook her head, If she really wanted me, she would have admitted it.
Renee’s head felt heavy with all her bitter feelings.
Renee brought her hands to her forehead and left them there. She tried to clear away her thoughts, to concentrate on something else, but all she knew, all she saw, was Shannon.

It was the doorbell that jarred Renee from her sleep. She sat up quickly and saw that it was almost midnight. Wondering who it could be this late at night, she got out of bed and walked down the hallway. Before she walked down the stairs, she peeked into her mother’s room. She saw that her bed was still unmade.
Where was she?
Renee quickly forgot her mother when she crept down the stairs. Before opening the door to what may be some serial killer, she grabbed an umbrella that leaned against the wall.
Holding it up ready to strike, she unlatched the door and yanked it open.
Renee’s breath caught in her throat.
Shannon stood still; her eyes surprised.
“Oh, it’s you.” Renee sighed.
“You? Me.”
Renee ignored Shannon.
“Did you think I came to kill you?” Shannon asked jokingly.
Renee shook her head annoyingly and let the weapon fall to the floor, “Actually, yes,”
It’s not like you could do anymore damage than you already have…
They stood there going over each other’s features in silence. Renee debated on whether or not she should let Shannon in or shut the door in her face.
“Nice pajamas, Ren,” Shannon spoke quietly.
Renee smiled sheepishly then realized who it was she was talking to, “What are you doing here anyways? If my mom were home-”
“But she’s not,” Shannon grinned, “Is this how you treat your friend when she wants to talk?”
Renee let Shannon step into the house and walk past her.
Renee looked out at the street to see Shannon’s car parked out front. It was dark, the streetlight illuminating the large trees. Renee took a steady breath before closing the door. She then turned, “Friend?” she questioned.
“Come on, Renee.” Shannon groaned.
Renee rolled her eyes angrily, “You don’t get it! We went through so much together only for you to go out and ruin it all.”
“You’re jealous, I know, but-“
“Jealous? You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here in the middle of the night and trying to start something.”
“I saw how you looked at Denise! I swear it was like-“
“Like what?”
She couldn’t believe it had come down to this. How could Shannon be so selfish?
“It was like you wished it were you.”
Renee brushed off the comment, “What? A crack whore?” she shot back.
“At least she doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not.” Shannon mumbled.
Renee was shocked. She felt her eyes watering, her mouth go dry. She felt so much for Shannon, if only it wasn’t so hard to explain her feelings.
“Pretend, huh?” Renee paused to try to recuperate her emotions, “Wouldn’t you if you had second thoughts about who you were? What you believed in?”
Renee couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks now. She lay vulnerable in the dark hallway in front of Shannon who knew nothing about all the hurt and damage she was causing.
“I know who I am, Renee. The only real question is who are you?”
Renee pushed Shannon away to the door, “I think you should be going.”
Shannon wasn’t falling for that, “What are you trying to hide, Renee?” she asked, her voice lowering and face growing serious.
Renee didn’t need to hear this; she didn’t have to put up with Shannon’s questions. Renee just needed her to leave. Wiping away the tears violently, she chocked on her words.
“Nothing,” she lied.
“I know it must be something…” Shannon drifted off to lay a comforting hand on Renee’s shoulder, “Don’t cry, please?”
Renee laughed as Shannon pulled her close into a hug. She leaned down, “You’ll understand,” Shannon whispered.
It sent shivers up Renee’s spine. Having Shannon this close made Renee forget her anger. They were about to ascend the stairs when the door handle rattled. They both turned to stare.
Watching wordlessly, the door was opened to reveal Renee’s mother.
“This night it just full of surprises,” Shannon whispered.
Renee nudged Shannon in her side, “Quiet,” she hushed.
Mrs. Wilks looked up to find the two girls standing on the ledge. Her eyes darted from Renee then to Shannon, “Oh, it’s you.”
“You? Me.”
“Shannon!” Renee cried out.
“Sorry, I thought this was some traditional Willis family greeting game.”
“Renee, do you want to explain why this girl is in our house at,” she paused to check her watch, “Twelve thirty?” she asked interrupting the bickering.
“Do you want to explain why you’re home so late?” Renee asked.
Renee stood starring her mother down, daring her to do something.
“You know what I think would make this a whole lot better?” Shannon asked, “Some tea.”
Renee’s hand shot out to stop Shannon from leaving, “Let’s take this into the living room, shall we?” Renee recommended, a fake smile spreading across her lips.
Her mother nodded while she eyed Shannon and followed the two girls into the room.
Renee flipped on the light switch and pulled Shannon down next to her on the couch.
Mrs. Wilks took a seat in a chair, “Now, do you want to explain yourselves?” she breathed.
“In my defense,” Shannon started but Renee broke in, “We were just going to talk.”
“Why couldn’t you do this at school?” she asked.
“We were a bit busy. You know, there’s all the drama.” Shannon laughed nervously.
Mrs. Wilks ignored Shannon’s comment, “Are you aware that my daughter is not allowed to see you?” she asked.
Renee felt Shannon look over to her, “Yes ma’am, I was.”
Renee breathed a sigh of relief; at least Shannon was being civilized.
“And you,” Mrs. Wilks asked Renee, “You went against my orders?”
Renee nodded.
“What do you think I should do about this then?”
Shannon’s hand shot up but Renee reached over bringing it back down, “We don’t know.”
“Maybe further your punishment?”
Renee raised her eyebrows at the thought, “No, I think you’ve done enough.”
“Don’t get smart with me-“
“Mom,” Renee cut in, “Stop.”
“No, no,” she shook her head and stood, “I will not have anymore of this-this experimentation between the two of you! I want you, Shannon, out of my house.”
Renee watched as her mother took hold of Shannon’s arm, “I will make it my priority to see that you do not have any relations with my daughter.”
Shannon was trying to break away, to say something, but she couldn’t.
Renee hurried to catch up to her mom as she opened the door. She pushed Shannon out onto the porch, glaring at her, “Ever.”
Renee cringed as the door was slammed.
Renee stood in the archway frozen. The scene that had just played out made her mind reel.
What did her mother actually think was going on between them? Or at least, nothing that Renee hadn’t already wished was going on.
Mrs. Wilks spun around and cleared her throat, “Up to bed,” she said and pointed to the stairs.
“No.” Renee said simply, “She’s staying here for tonight.”
Renee pushed past her mother and opened the door. Her mother came up behind her and shut it, “I will not have her in my house!” she yelled strictly.
Renee shoved her mother away and stepped out onto the porch just in time to see Shannon getting into her car, “Shannon!” she called out.
Shannon looked back, her face distorted in puzzlement.
Renee hurried out to the street, “What?” Shannon asked.
“You can stay.”
“Stay? What about-”
“Don’t worry,” Renee said and pulled Shannon towards her house.
This was one moment where she wasn't going to let her mother make her decisions. She had been doing it since the time she was born-now was the time for it to stop.
Entering back into the walkway, Renee’s mother stood waiting by the stairway. Renee took Shannon by the hand, “Night,” she said as she tried to get by.
Her mother’s hand stopped them, “On the couch,” she directed.
Renee walked over to the couch with Shannon where they saw sheets and a pillow. Renee shrugged, “At least it’s not outside.”
Shannon giggled, “Trust me, from my past experiences, anything would be better than being in the same house with your mother. She’ll probably slit my throat while I sleep.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye out for her.” Renee winked.
Shannon smiled and reached over. Renee’s body stiffened as she felt Shannon’s arms go around her in a warm hug. Renee relaxed as her breathing slowed. She placed her arms around Shannon.
They broke apart as they heard Renee’s mother clear her throat once again from the stairs.
“I love…”
Renee stopped where she was and waitied for Shannon to continue. The words seemed to get caught in Shannon’s throat, “that you’re doing this for me.”
Renee smiled and let her hand fall from Shannon’s as she backed away. Everything was right. She understood how to read between the words unspoken.

Okay, all of the chapters 'cept the latest one are on my pen drive, so I *promise* I'll crit at least part of it this week. I want to be thorough though, which is part of the reason I haven't posted yet, as well as surplus of homework and coursework. Easter holidays start tomorrow though, so it should be done soon.

It's looking good so far. Definately one of the more interesting topics as well. I've *never* been able to write anything that I could classify as 'romantic fiction'. From what I've seen, you can do this pretty well.

Liking that last update, and I can really feel the tension that must be hanging in the air at the moment. Would absolutely hate to be in Shannon's shoes right now...

Good luck with it!


~KayJuran~

Chapter 13: Non-Stop
Shannon’s hands shook. This was not excitement. This was all fear. She stood behind a pillar in the courtyard watching Renee. She wished she could run home. To hide. And think. She hated that she had drawn herself out of bed in the comfort of her home only to come and avoid who she knew she needed to talk to. Renee didn’t know what she had done the night before-who she was with. Renee sat under the sun, face turned upward and her eyes closed. Students walk around her; talking and laughing during the lunch hour. Shannon was amazed over and over again. How do they not fail to be dumb struck by the sight of her? She looked away wondering what Renee would think if she found out that she wasn’t at home alone. That she had returned to her old ways. She was blind. The feelings for Renee have grown stronger over the weeks and she does nothing but try to forget.
Sunshine hurt her eyes.

If Shannon were to go over there, Renee would smile, and complain about all the homework she was assigned and ask Shannon about her day. They would sit next to each other and laugh, like they had on days like these in weeks past, but none of it would be the same. They would pretend that nothing had happened. She would put on her “Shannon knows best” face and tell Renee that it was only because by being assigned homework, it gave the teachers more ways to make their life miserable. Renee then would try not to laugh and give her a playful shove. They would make plans for later that night even if it would be awkward. They’ll talk of clothes, the nasty cafeteria food, only they would be looking at each other the entire time. With their eyes they will be saying something completely different. And everyone around them, all the jaded, knowing, disapproving eyes would notice the change, too. Renee didn't know the rules of the game. Renee still didn't know that you have to lie to live. And when Renee looked at her, when she smiled, she made Shannon forget there was a game being played out there, and that it was a spectator sport.

Shannon wouldn't be able to forget for long. Cue in some jock with his splenetic taunts, the quiet glare of the teacher when Renee leaned in too close to Shannon, and giggled. He wasn't upset about the noise; his gaze was on the hand Renee had laid on Shannon’s arm and left there. Shannon twitched under his eyes and moved her arm away. She saw the involuntary sneer on unknown faces as their hands brushed when they walked by them. The rules changed when you moved from the sidelines and joined the game.
And then there are the stares. Shannon had gotten used to the thrumming wave of whispers in school corridors since New York. The thin-lipped disapproval and the occasional bump in the hallways that was just strong enough to make it clear that it wasn't unintentional. It was apart of the daily routine now since someone had spotted her with Denise in the club, and she had learned to give as good as she gets. Some days it was almost fun–to see how many of them she could make back down. Some days she simply must find something to laugh about.
The stares, though, they envelop Renee now, too.
Every time her voice rung out in laughter to something she said just to make her laugh, eyes will be on her, judging, and weighing. Every time they meet in the hallways, pause to catch up, they will be watching from the sidelines for the telltale signs of the dreaded lesbian affliction even if they aren’t together. They couldn't taint what was already tainted when it came to her, but they can do damage here.
This was new. This was brand new and shiny and she wanted to protect Renee from all of it. She wanted her to not go through the mocking and the insults, from everything that will, day by day, turn this brand new thing into something dull and dirty, something fit for Shannon Wilks.
And Renee is becoming bolder.
She had learned that the Wilks bravado crumbles like petrified chalk under her smile and renders her smitten and tongue-tied, and she was learning to play with that knowledge. Her touches are longer now, more pronounced, and she observed Shannon as she let her hand linger, head cocked to the side, a small smile on her lips. She had grown to reveal in the effect she had on Shannon. Renee watched when Shannon spilled her coffee when her hand brushed against the back pocket of Shannon’s jeans. Renee noticed the white-knuckled grip on Shannon’s pen when she leaned over her to look at her notes, breasts to shoulder blades.
There are times when she wanted her so badly Shannon thought her hands would burn her if she touched Renee. There were times Shannon was sure she felt the same. She held back, wanting Renee to be sure that she wasn’t going to fall under the pressure from others. And her. Renee had made Shannon discover strength and control where she thought she only had want and selfishness. She didn't want to hold back anymore. Shannon looked around at the suspicious, hostile faces around them and realized Renee didn't know what she was asking for.
There are times when Shannon told herself that she coiuld be strong enough, strong for both of them. She could protect Renee. She could be enough. You lie to live. She couldn't lie to herself.
Her hands made a fist to chase away the tremors. Renee is waiting on the bench, lunch break almost half-over. Turning away from her, then, and walking away is the easiest thing Shannon had done in the last few months. She let Renee bask in the sunshine.

Renee was waiting for Shannon after classes, by her locker. Shannon knew she was hurt and confused and probably angered by her avoidance, but she still coudln't help but revel in the hot rush of… of something nice every time she saw Renee.
Renee was leaning against Shannon’s locker with her head tilted down and looking at her from below furrowed brows. This was her “I’m really trying to understand you” face. Usually Shannon was happy to see her like that – happy that she cared enough to try – but she had gotten too good at reading her and now it made her nervous. A nervous Shannon got self-defensive.
“Renee! How may I service you today?”
“Shannon, that’s not funny.”
And it wasn't, but she was on a roll. If she could just cut Renee off she might be able to talk her way through… whatever this was.
“Aw, come on, Ren. With a long face like that, people are bound to think we had a lover's spat, or something.”
Shannon had perfected these little zingers over the years – just enough verbal bluster to throw them off and slip away – but it only worked if she could walk away before they could respond to her, cashing in on her advantage. And Renee was still leaning against Shannon’s locker looking at her. Shannon was standing there in front of Renee with her too big smile and “nothing’s wrong” eyes. This was the Plastic Shannon, the nod and smile version of her in full-on self-defense mode. She hadn't used it on anyone since…New York. It's what she did when she needed to keep above the emotional fray - just a little botox for her heart.
How well I have learned, mother.
Renee looked at her, that Renee look again, and Shannon beared it vapidly.
Renee then dropped her head. Shannon could already anticipate the frustration and disappointment she’ll see when Renee looked at her again.
You are not the first, Ren, to feel that way about me.
Instead, Shannon is shaken when Renee pushed off the locker and took a step forward, nothing but concern in her eyes.
“Shannon, please tell me what’s wrong?” her hand slid down her arm in a caress; in encouragement.
She wouldn’t be so nice if she knew the truth.
One touch. One question. Shannon is nearly undone. She opened her mouth–wanting to tell Renee everything about the past few months– that she was scared and lost and no good, and that Renee would hurt her or she would hurt Renee and that she couldn't sleep at night and-
“Hey you,”
It was such perfectly wrong timing that an incredulous laugh escaped Shannon before she could help herself. Denise.
Shannon didn’t notice that she went to her own school until she had seen her when she arrived.
Renee wasn't quite happy by the interruption, “You’ve got to be shitting me.”
Shannon had never heard her Renee curse. Not once.
Denise of course, wasn't aware of the little scene she just broke up and walked up behind Shannon, sliding her arm around her shoulders.
Renee looked at the girl; her eyebrows raised and mouthing, “Who is this?”
Shannon couldn’t believe the predicament she had gotten herself into.
Rolling her eyes and shrugging Denise’s arm away, her eyes pleading for Renee to wait around just a bit longer. Denise, ignoring the gesture, placed her hand back around Shannon protectively.
“So, you’re the girl,” Denise mused.
She tried to be polite, but it came off as harsh and cold.
“And you are…?” Renee drifted off.
Where had Shannon met this girl?
“Denise Kinston,” she formally extended her hand, but Renee left it hanging.
Denise understood and pulled her hand away, her eyes narrowing.
“You know,” Denise paused, “For someone who didn’t want to talk about you the night we met, Shannon just couldn’t stop.”
Denise pulled Shannon closer and rested her head onto her shoulder, “You mean a lot to Shannon, here. Too bad you lost your chance. You’d think it’d take her longer than one night for her to forget you, but all it took was one night with me.”
Shannon cringed from Denise’s words. Renee hadn’t lost anything. Shannon hadn’t forgotten Renee. The night at the club only made her realize just how strongly she felt and knew being with Denise wouldn’t change any of that. Shannon thought of speaking up, but feared it might create an even bigger scene.
“I think I know that,” Renee spat.
It hadn’t taken Shannon long to return to her old ways of drugs and alcohol. Renee thought it would be harder after what they had gone through together, but it only made the transition that much quicker.
Shannon looked into Renee’s eyes closely. Renee looked back at Shannon with an equally strong gaze. For the first time since she met Renee, Shannon could read nothing in her eyes.
When did she learn to hide her eyes like that?
“Well, we should be going. We have people to see and places to be.” Denise smirked and pulled Shannon away by the hand.
Shannon was then walking away and she could feel Renee staring at her back, bewildered. Maybe Shannon did, the feeling was that strong. When she turned the corner, she pulled Denise with her taking long strides. This time she was Green in the story-lost and scared in a world that had moved on without her. She didn't know who she was trying to escape or where she was running to.

Chapter 12: Playful Tactics

I had impure thoughts about a girl I know…

Renee took her seat in class the next morning. After her confession, she had made no move to further allow her mother to get in her way. She had walked straight past her when she left for school, and didn’t answer the vibrating of her phone.
Renee is sitting near one of the windows that allowed a view outside. Renee hoped that it would give her some room to think and breath. The fresh air might do her good and help clear away Shannon for the period. The teacher was reading aloud from Hawthorn’s Scarlet Letter; his voice low and enunciating each word to the fullest extent. Renee found herself hoping that it will somehow envelope her brain to where she could focus on something else. She scanned the room, noting she didn’t see Shannon earlier that morning. It was no use. Shannon would be the only thing on her mind. Renee took out her spiral and books in vain. She thought she might write something, but it was already a lost cause. Renee opened the book pretending to follow. Her fingers moved across each sentence, as the sound of the teacher was becoming slower, the clock ticking louder. She coudln't think. Fate was marking Renee because she was already wearing the same letter. It was signed directly into her heart. Renee cannot be untangled, not like Hester’s letter. She was there for eternity. The teacher asked them to write their deepest secret. What letter would they carry?

Later, sitting at the lunch table, the same empty notebook is laid out before her. The blank pages waiting to be filled with her secret. The request still made Renee shudder. She surveyed the room, some heads bowed, most in chatter and eating. Still no Shannon. It was better at the beginning of the day, not seeing her; it gave Renee a chance to clear her head, to ready herself. Now, at this late stage, it was torture. It was purgatory and she was trapped never to be let out. She wanted things out in the open between them. She wanted things back to normal. At every creak of the door, or a scrape of a chair, she would look up apprehensively. Renee was expecting to see Shannon, and every time, she was disappointed. Her mind finally returned to assignment at hand, and the notebook. The image of Shannon getting out of the pool slid into her head. Her pulse quickened at the memory, her heart pounding hard in her chest, so hard she thought it might burst out – they’ll all see her letter, all except the girl who really should. Renee’s mind started to wander. She looked down at her page for the first time unaware of how much time had passed from her daydreaming. It’s full of an odd involuntary scrawling, as if her hand has been acting under its own will, without effort. She began to interpret the words over the written initials S.W hundreds of times.

Want, that’s the word, want. I want Shannon. I want her in a darkened room. I want her to take me apart. I want her to thread her fingers through my hair as her mouth finds mine. I want to feel her tongue inside my mouth. I want her to kiss hard, to back me against the wall, so I have no escape. I want to feel her breath on my skin, her scent on my clothes. I want her hands on my skin. I want her body against mine, in slow grinding rhythm. I want her to push now, deep. I want her to explore me, uncharted territory. I want her to make the choice. I want her next to me, in me, and all around me. I want it so I can’t breathe without her. I want this ache in my stomach to stop. I want to cut my heart out. I want to erase her from my memory. I can’t stop all this want; she’s in my cells, in every breath I take, the space between my heartbeats. I want what I can’t have.

Reading this to herself, she felt her chest tighten. So much she thought she might hyperventilate. Feeling her breathing get shallower, she shifted lower in her seat, a wave of heat pooling somewhere between her thighs. The room started to spin as she fought with her pen, scratching away at the words, trying to take them back. Renee hurried quickly out of the lunchroom and to the courtyard tables. She ripped the letter out of her notebook. She tore it apart and stopped by a trashcan. She felt her face getting hot, her lips quivering. She scrunched the torn paper into a ball hoping that it would all go away once she got rid of it. As soon as she heard the flap close, she could feel the feelings growing stronger. Now it was almost unbearable. Her secret was still in the back of her mind if not a notebook.

Chapter 11: On the Edge
“It’s been two weeks since my last confession,” Renee said slowly, drawing out every single word. The dryness in her throat closed around them so that they would not escape.

“Take your time, my child,” the priest answered.

Renee looked through the small window next to her which bisected his kindheartedly face into small pieces. His head is bowed, a shadow covering his face. He wouldn’t be so kind if he only knew the thoughts in her head. Or what had just happened a few hours earlier with Shannon.
Renee had to get out of the house after her mother had gone to bed. It had been eight o’clock. She knew that the church often was open until nine. It gave her an hour. She didn’t know what Shannon was doing right now, or who she was with, but Renee did know she had to talk to someone. Someone she could trust to explain her confusion. She couldn’t stay in the confinement of the walls that surrounded her at home. All the events began to flood back, like they were on a projector, seeping slowly into her mind as the light flickered. The dark warmth of the small booth was no comfort to her.

Since she had met Shannon in the hall at the beginning of the year, she’s begun to censor her confessions. Renee was doing it now as her head began to filter out the unnecessary details. She sorted them in order of how they happened. They had built up so much that she now understood just how far she had come from the Catholic train of thought. Renee tried to get through them as quickly as she could so that she could give them some sort of abstract shape. That way they didn’t sound so bad out loud as they did in her head. A wave of panic washed over her; she is suddenly aware of the length of time it’s all going to take. Renee consciously came up with less time-consuming descriptions for her petty sins.

Her mother would hate that too. She had an odd attitude toward confession, almost like it’s a sort of show and tell. She felt that it was like putting yourself on display.
Renee knew that there was no one else there; just her and the priest that sat next to her. Renee always felt this sort of strange approval after she was done. Like she was making everyone else happy by taking her time to discuss her sins at length and making sure to not leave out any details. They were full of pauses and coughs as if it shows a greater impression of remorse for what she had done. That way, the feeling to know she was free of the turmoil that built inside her would somehow vanish. The supposed purity of absolution makes everything worth the while. Then, it suddenly occurs to Renee that she isn’t sorry. She doesn’t want to repent. More than any of those things, she wants to do it all over again. Is her lack of remorse the worst sin of all? Have her morals become so careless in the presence of the ever so freewheeling range that makes up Shannon? Why was it that her mother has such a hold over her? Why should she even care at all?

No, she thought and erased it.
That’s exactly what her mother would say. It’s how her mother thinks. It’s the basis for the look of disdain that falls over her face at the mention of Shannon’s name, heightened to outright hatred whenever their gazes happen to collide. Why does she feel so threatened by Shannon’s freedom? Why does it make her so afraid? Why does she resort to such ridiculous measures to place distance between them?

The priest remained patient. Renee heard the chair he sits in creak as he shifted his weight and resettles. In the darkness, she played with the bracelet she had gotten from her mother. It’s silver glinting away, defiantly, a constant reminder. The source of her frustration, made metal, wrapped around her wrist. She didn't even know here mother anymore. She was not the same person. She's not her mother. This woman is controlling and bothered by the sudden actions that were tearing them apart.

“I’m sorry,” Renee apologized, voice small and hushed, wondering briefly if she’s talking out loud. She turned the bracelet through her fingers, turning it over and over with her thumb and forefingers, like it’d make the process much more easier. But now she knew that it’s only leaving the feeling that her mother does not accept her. She did not accept Shannon.

“What’s troubling you, my child? You sound so burdened for one so young.”
The voice is comforting; it’s so calm and steady. It reminded Renee of her father; she saw his calm, kind eyes, love unwavering. It had only been three years ago that he had left on his search to “find himself”. It was more of a midlife crisis. Part of her told herself that he didn’t leave just for himself. If Renee could have, she would have gone with him. Would her actions disappoint him if he only knew what she was going through? She hoped her strength came from him as she sat in the dim light of the candles. She needed it now to carry her through so that she will be heard. Something told her God’s love isn’t nearly as all encompassing as her father’s. The man that would hold her close when she was afraid of the dark and tell her everything would be okay. That in the morning, he would still be there and nothing could ever touch her as long as he was around. But something had touched her. It was Shannon that had gotten the best of her and caused this breakdown. She was the root of the problem she needed answers to. In her father’s eyes, no choice was a wrong one, just another choice. Renee wished she could to talk to him instead if the preist. But, she was at the Church for now. It had to be done. She took a deep breath, musterd all her energy, and finally spoke clearly.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”

Uh-oh... I don't think Renee's going to be happy

I did see a few things I can critique on but a) I'm meant to be doing coursework and b) this is quite long at the moment so... will make sure I critique asap!

EDIT: there is one thing I have noticed which I have time to say now - In chapter 1 she's called Shannon Willis; in chapter 10 it's Shannon Wilks.

Chapter 10: Party Hardy
"Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge.

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Want to make out and kiss hard, wait never mind

Late night, in passing, mentioned it flip to her
best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and the crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leaves it to fright

Shannon had just realized what she had done. She had ruined the moment with Renee; she had lost her trust. Shannon had assumed everything was okay, but when she saw Renee pull away, in her eyes she could see remorse. Even if she wasn't the one to take charge, she felt that it was her fault for letting it happen. Renee didn't seem know what to do about what was happening; she just knew she needed to get away from her. This lead Shannon to believe that she herself was confused about what had come between them. That kiss-the kiss that she couldn't forget for the life of her. She tried calling Renee-to try to explain-but all she got was a recording. After leaving a very lengthy and pointless message and then checking her phone every now and then for some sort of sign, she just gave up.
Renee hadn't returned her call and it was now well into the night. Shannon kept herself awake by replaying the scene over and over again. It was all she could think about.
Shannon still didn't even know what she'd do; what to say even to make it up to Renee. She wanted everything to just go back to how they were before her actions had taken control of her thoughts.
To take some of the edge off, she decided she'd head to a nightclub in the city. Getting dressed up for clubbing wasn't that hard for Shannon. She threw on a plaid skirt, a lacy camisole that showed the right amount of cleavage, and a pair of sleek knee high black boots with red fishnets. Her hair was already curled, so she glammed up her make-up.
Adding glitter eye shadow that swept way above her lid, vibrant red lipstick that set off her lips, mascara to make her eyes look smoky, and a blush that made her cheeks shine, she was ready for the never-ending night.
She wasn't playing the sweet, give her time she'll come around, girl. She was a bad ass, the take what I want and leave when I wish, girl. Or at least, just for tonight. Tonight she was anything but the Shannon Willis of a small town in Minnesota. Returning to her old ways never came so easy to Shannon. Not since New York had she released her wild side. That inner wolf in sheep's clothing. There was a side of Shannon no one knew about, and it would feel so good to let loose.

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

Shannon could hear the thump of the clubs DJ mix from outside in the ally as she walked; her heels clicking against the pavement. She felt like a goddess in the moonlight. Nothing could touch her.
Shannon didn't bother with the long lines and bands on her arm saying she was underage; there was always a back way in when it can time to enter.
A security guard stood by the door making sure no one would try to get by. Shannon gave him a naughty smile and held up a twenty, "You didn't see me did you?" she asked as she pressed her body into his.
He was young, but older than her. He nodded and moved aside. She smiled seductively and ran her hand down his broad chest. She knew what she had to do to get inside people's head; make them do as she wished. It was the kind of power that made knees fall at her mercy. Good people were to easy to control and manipulate. She pushed past him as he opened the door. It had now become her time to let all emotions escape.

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
"I want to tear you apart"

The club scene was nothing new; the lights that caste shadows across her complexion made her look dangerous and dark, alcohol would be present in her system by the time she left, and she'd give one special girl the pass to come home. She entered instantly into the dance scene; her lips found their way to the closest ear, "Could you point me towards the bar?" she asked. A guy the had been dancing now stopped.
His eyes lingered on her face as he held up an arm, "Towards the back."
Shannon knew that he saw something in her eyes; something unpleasant and controlling. The hot smoky air had made her mouth dry and anticipate the feel of electricity that would be rushing through her. As she made her way through throngs of dancers, she also kept her eyes peeled for a potential candidate. She heard the beat of music change to something sultry; the lasers above slowed their pace to follow a different rhythm. As couples paired off to dance alone, she ordered her first drink. Love on the Rocks.
The bartender had questioned her age, but Shannon didn't feel any need to explain. The reason she was there was perfectly clear. Shannon was surprised when a girl came up and sat next to her as she sipped her Sex on the Beach, "Haven't seen you here before,"
The girl was leaning close. She whispered this into Shannon's ear; her hot breath against her cheek made Shannon shudder.
"I don't get out much," Shannon replied as she pulled away. The girl was tall; taller than she. Her brown eyes sparkled in the fluorescent lights that lit up the bottles of liquor. Her blond hair was piled up on top of her head and the sweat on her forehead made her glisten.
"That's a shame," the girl laughed and set down her glass to be refilled, "I thought you could teach me a few things."
When she said this, her hand came to rest on Shannon's thigh. Shannon looked down; she had found her girl.
Shannon knew that she was only looking for a dance, but what she wanted was so much more than that. She wanted to forget all thoughts.
"You never told me your name,"
"Denise," the girl said as she grabbed her glass, "Yours?"
"Shannon."
That's all they needed to say. They didn't need to know why they were here, who they were with, or what they were going to do after they left. All that mattered was the moment. The moment when Shannon lost herself to the music that pulsed around them.
"I'm going to go to the restroom. Next song is mine?" Denise asked sweetly; letting her hand rest on Shannon's shoulder. Shannon nodded as Denise smiled and turned. Shannon's eyes followed her until she got lost in the crowd.
The bartender had came up to her now, "Want to tell me why you're here?" she asked.
Shannon turned to face her; her eyes questioning.
"Why should I?" Shannon read her nametag, "Kat?"
"It's not everyday that I see a girl coming in and jumping up to every wish and command that is thrown their way."
"Command? It's a dance and-"
"There's a reason behind it isn't there? I see a lot of people that come in here. Different stories, backgrounds, races…I’ve heard it all.” Kat interrupted her.
She sighed when she sat down the bottle she had been holding and leaned forward.
Shannon didn't see where Kat was going with this.
"Nothing I should tell you about," Shannon snapped.
Kat was quiet for a moment. Shannon looked down at the straw that floated in her drink with disgust. This wasn't how the night was supposed to go.
"Boyfriend?" Kat asked and then when she got no response, "Girlfriend?"
Shannon couldn't believe she was having this conversation, "I blew it. She doesn't want anything to do with me."
"So, you came here looking for a way out? How do you think she'll feel when she finds out?"
"She won't feel a thing. She'll never know,"
"There's a saying I once heard," Kat leaned down to where she was eye level, "Love trumps fear every time."
Shannon ignored her. She wasn't afraid. To her, all there is to love is when it ends up letting her down.

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause there’s always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

"You, me, dancing, now!" was all that Shannon managed to get out before she dragged Denise into the middle of the dance floor. Shannon could feel the eyes of Kat starring at her back; watching her every move. Shannon pushed Kat away-she didn't need any more advice.
Without even reaching their destination, Shannon immediately began to gyrate her hips to the loud explosions of guitar, but before she completely lost herself to the music she crashed Denise's body into hers. Shannon knew that Denise didn't seem to know why she had a sudden rush, but instinctively matched the beat and automatically countered Shannon's movements. Their dancing was forceful almost as if they were fighting, and they were. They were fighting for dominance, seeing who could outdo whom. To say that their dancing was erotic would be an understatement. Their grinding was in perfect rhythm with each other and the song.
Shannon had her arms wrapped possessively around Denise, her hands taking turns roaming from the hair on the blonde's neck, down to the skin just below Denise's miniskirt. Shannon's fingers occasionally dipping slightly beneath the material, on their upward slide, but never going further before resuming their trek outside of the skirt.
Denise's body was on autopilot, she had completely lost herself to the music and to Shannon. Denise was practically, unashamedly, riding Shannon's thigh while making sure to maintain eye contact.

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

Shannon knew that if she looked anywhere else, that she'd realize where she was and what she was doing. She also knew that if she closed her eyes, any self-restraint she had left would completely dissolve and all that would be left would be Renee in her mind. She kept her motions quick and her eyes focused. The song ended and the DJ masterfully worked his way into a techno dance beat, making what would be an abrupt change, into a very sexy and smooth transition. Shannon didn't notice the transition until Denise suddenly decided that their bodies weren't close enough and pulled Shannon's head into her neck. When Shannon suddenly had a mouth full of blond hair and sweet-salty neck, the song registered in her mind and she promptly disentangled herself from Denise's grasp and managed to get them both off of the dance floor.
"Why'd we stop? I was really getting into it." Denise asked as soon as they stopped in one of the dark corners of the club.
"Yeah, we almost got into something in the middle of the dance floor." Shannon grumbled, half of her regretting her responsible decision of getting them off of the dance floor, and half of her not regretting it.
"But I love this song!" Denise kept trying.
"I could tell." Shannon mumbled too quietly for Denise to hear.
"What? It's too loud, I couldn't hear you." Denise practically yelled.
Shannon stepped forward, closing the gap between her and the blond, and placed her mouth right next to Denise's ear.
"Can you hear me now?" she huskily asked, and at the Denise's gulp and slow nod, Shannon continued to talk, "Tell you what, you come home with me and I'll play whatever you want."
Denise seemed to understand. Shannon watched as she pulled out of her pocket a white plastic bag. Inside was a hefty amount of white powder, "It'll make you spin," she said. Denise raised her eyebrows and smiled, "Don't worry, you won't feel a thing."
Denise trailed a finger lightly down Shannon's arm and slipped her hand into her small, clammy palm. Looking into Denise's dark eyes, Shannon pulled her away to the bathroom.

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
"I want to tear you apart"

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
"I want to tear you apart"

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
"I want to tear you apart "

Shannon and Denise crashed into the bathroom stall door as they kissed. Their mouths smashing together as tongues swept across lips. Shannon held tight to the blond locks, pulling herself closer so that their mouths were fully touching. The two girls that had been standing at the mirror reapplying make-up gave them a disgusted look and left.
In a previous life, Shannon Willis would have cared less if the girls she was with were uncomfortable about being seen in public. Those girls, of which some faces she couldn't even recall, meant nothing to her. They were used to satisfy carnal desires, to release pent up frustrations, and to make her forget the person she was, if only for a moment. A means to an end. Her past was wrought with mistakes, heartache, pain, anger, and a dozen other negative attributes. She hated what she was but saw no way out of her perpetual cycle of drugs, fights, and one night stands. The illicit substances were toxic escapes that freed her mind from the confines of the reality that she lived in. Pills, drinks, and joints took the edge off that she usually would have had if she were sober. No inhibitions, no looking back, but so many regrets. She was living up to her reputation once again.
Shannon stopped their kiss and lead Denise to a chair that was sitting by a stall. Pushing Denise down, she straddled her waist.
Denise let her hands sneak under the lacy fabric of Shannon's shirt to cup her left breast; the nipple hardening under her cool touch. Shannon let out a moan and leaned into Denise's hand. Denise let out a sigh against her neck as Shannon leaned down to let their mouths connect for the second time. Shannon moved her lips to Denise's jaw; neck, trailing a line of kisses while she slipped down a strap of her halter. She gripped Denise's shoulder and nipped her ear whispering harsh words of encouragement. Denise let out a whimper as Shannon moved her hips against the denim of her jeans. Shannon let her hand brush across Denise's pant line, letting her hand rest on the soft flesh of the hipbone. Denise extended her arm to support the weight of Shannon on the side of the stall as she softly stroked the sensitive skin. They hadn't gotten any further when Denise let out a breath, "Stop," she said. Shannon pulled away and looked around. No one had entered the bathroom.
"Let's go back to your place,"
Shannon grinned and pulled Denise up. This would be the start of the night she wouldn't forget.

Chapter 9: Finding Out
Renee walked into her house that night baffled. Shannon had driven her home in silence. She was about to go up to her room to think things over when her mother stopped her.
"Where have you been?" she asked rather cheerfully. Renee wondered what this was about.
"I was at school," she lied.
"Well, come here. There's someone I'd like you to meet."
Renee saw that her mother was wearing a very colorful dress and in her hand she held a martini. Renee really didn't feel like seeing anyone much less have to engage in conversation. She looked into the mirror that hung on the wall. She didn't wear any makeup, her hair was pulled into a sloppy ponytail, and her shirt had a stain of chocolate on the collar. She sighed and just decided she didn't care.
Her mother pulled her into the living room and sat her down on the couch, "This is Matthew," she said, "Remember? From down the street and church?"
Renee had to stop her chin from dropping to the floor. Her mother had set her up on a date.
Kill me now...
"Hi," he said as he sat up and extended his hand. Renee ignored it though, "Excuse us," she said and pulled her mother into the kitchen.
"Is this some sick way of apologizing?" she whispered and looked back out to the living room.
"What's wrong? He's a nice boy. His mother is very sweet and makes the best peach cobbler."
Renee watched her mother wave to Matthew as he looked up.
I don't give a damn about the freaking cobbler, mother!
Renee turned and smiled weakly at Matthew then spun around, "And you thought you'd just invite him over for dinner?"
Mrs. Wilks looked shocked, "Is this how you react when I go out of my way to do you a favor?"
"Favor?" Shannon nearly screamed.
Her mother motioned for her to lower her voice, "This isn't a favor! It's like some death sentence!"
"Will you stop being so over dramatic?" her mother asked as she turned to stir a pot of soup that sat on the stove, "Why don't you go out and socialize? I rarely ever see you with a boy,"
Renee nearly walked out of her house right then. Instead, she went back out to the living room and sat down.
"You have a great house," he said, "I love this couch."
Renee saw that Matthew felt he'd demonstrate by bouncing. She had never been so embarrassed.
"Thanks," Renee rolled her eyes. Her mother sure knew how to pick them.
"Your mother is really nice," he commented, "She was the one that invited me over."
"Did you think I was the one?" Renee asked and looked away angrily. She couldn't help it. This really ticked her off.
Matthew laughed nervously and looked over to the kitchen.
"Do you like Dungeons and Dragons?"
Renee almost died. She didn't even respond to the question. Renee just let Matthew explain everything he knew about the game and all of his favorite tactics. It could had gone on forever until her mother said that it was time to eat.
"Are you in a cult or something?" she asked under her breath. He must have heard her because he didn't mention it again.

After the second most horrible dinner of her life, Renee's mother had insisted on playing a game of Scrabble. Renee had ignored most of the conversation between Matthew and her mother through dinner. She just sat quietly and pretended to like the soup in front of her. She couldn't tune them out now. Her mother kept throwing her glances and nodding her head towards Matthew. She wasn't falling for that though. There was no way she'd give her mother the satisfaction of actually pretending she liked what she had done. After a second game, Matthew had gathered up the courage to ask her to take a walk with him. She didn't want to scare the poor guy or make him anymore uncomfortable than he already was, so she agreed. That, and to get away from her mother.
Matthew grabbed her coat off a chair for her and held it up for her to slip it on, but she shook her head. He shrugged and followed her out to the porch. She hurried towards the sidewalk trying to get it over with as fast as possible.
He finally caught up to her and grabbed her arm, "Don't touch me," she snapped and pulled away. The harsh words seemed to startle him.
She didn't like that she was acting so rude towards someone she barely knew, but she much rather be talking to Shannon. Things always seemed to be going wrong between them. Matthew was breathing hard, so she stopped under a street lamp.
"You don't like me do you?" he wheezed as he pushed his glasses up his nose.
She didn't want to answer his question.
He seemed to understand, "You're thinking about someone else aren't you?"
"No, I just had a rough night."
He looked up and smiled, "You don't need to lie."
Renee knew she could trust Matthew.
"It's this girl," she sighed, "We've been going through some things."
He nodded, "You wish you were with her right now don't you? Instead of walking out here with me?"
She turned and looked at him. His eyes were a light blue, his blonde hair combed over to the side with too much gel. He wore a white shirt with a flannel jacket. His pants were too short, and he wore a pair of scuffed up Converse. She felt she needed to give him some words of encouragement. She knew he probably didn't go out on many dates. Or at least ones that the mother had to invite him to.
"Hey," she said as she put her hand up on his shoulder, "You're a real nice guy. I'm sure you'll find a girl who'll you'll mean the world to."
She saw him smile shyly and look down to his feet.
"But, that girl isn't me."

When they had walked back to her door, Matthew stopped Renee before she went inside.
"You'll work everything out," he paused, "If not, she doesn't know what she's losing."
She smiled, and took his hand in hers. She then leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, "Thanks," she whispered.
He blushed madly and then stumbled down the porch steps as he stared at her. She laughed and waved as he rode his bike down to the street, his flannel jacket flapping in the breeze behind him. After she saw him turn the corner, she walked inside. She found her mother sitting on the couch eating a piece of cake and watching Wheel of Fortune. "Oh, how was the walk?" she asked and sat up.
"It was fine," Renee said.
"Don't you want to talk about it?" her mother yelled. Renee heard her set down the plate and hurry to the bottom of the stairs to catch up with her.
Renee stopped where she was, "No, not really."
She couldn't be so nice to her mother. Not after what she had done. She thought that if she did something for Renee she would just forgive her. Renee couldn't let her think that. Before her mother could respond, she turned away to her room.
Lying on the foot of her bed, Renee couldn't get the way Shannon looked out of her head. So close, so...beautiful. The sun was hitting her hair, making it look a fiery red. The two words that made her fear dissolve-the knotting in her stomach ceasing as Shannon assured her everything was okay.
For a moment.
Then Renee realized what she was doing. The thoughts of what others might think wouldn't leave her mind as Shannon leaned closer; her green eyes closing. Renee couldn't go through with it. Before Shannon had gotten any farther, she felt herself pull away. She saw Shannon open her eyes, her hand slipping from her hair and trailing down her cheek wondering what was wrong.
Renee knew the expression that she tried to hide. She was disappointed. Renee felt that she had let Shannon down. Shannon had put aside her fears only for Renee to break away. With every look Renee knew her eyes held something deeper. The light touches of skin yearning and the way she spoke secretly telling Renee that she didn't feel the same way as she did.
Renee still couldn't believe what she had almost done; she felt so aggravated for letting things get too far.
Why had asked such a stupid question that she didn't even want to hear the answer to?
Her head ached as new questions entered her mind.
Ridiculing her for what she had almost done.
What would happen if she liked girls?
Renee didn't want it to come to that. She couldn't let things get extreme to where there was no turning back. She still had time; time to think and push the feelings away.
Renee wouldn't let them get to her. If they did, she didn't know what would happen if Shannon got too close.
Renee saw that her cell phone still rested on the floor. She hadn't picked it up after the fight. Figuring she had nothing else to lose, she grabbed it and flipped it open. The tiny screen said that she had one new voice mail. Renee ignored it. She couldn't face Shannon, much less talk to her. Not after she had ran out leaving Shannon to pick up the pieces.
After deleting the message, Renee opened up the pictures file. Inside, she viewed what few pictures she and Shannon had taken just awhile ago. They were the kind where you strike a pose-holding up the camera only to laugh as it snapped.
One showed the two of them with their arms wrapped around each other lying on Renee's bed. Just as Renee clicked the button to take it, Shannon had leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. Renee remembered freaking that if her mother ever came across it, she'd be questioned. Shannon had only shaken her head, "Ren, sometimes you got to lie to live. Sometimes you don't."
Renee never did understand the meaning behind Shannon's words.
She figured she'd find out if she could just accept the truth she was trying to hide.
As Renee came to the last one, her heart stopped. It was a picture of Shannon; her lips pouty and giving her a come hither look. Renee had laughed when she took that photo-instantly saving it and viewing it day after day. No matter how hard Renee tried, she wouldn't be able to get Shannon out of her mind. When it came down to it, it was all she knew she could do to stay sane.

Chapter 8: Falling
Renee watched as Shannon read over the contents in the index of a basic Geometry book.
"Learning anything yet, Shannon?" Renee asked.
Shannon had been sitting like that for quite sometime. After serving their detention they had made plans to meet up after school. Now they sat on the bed overlooking the homework they were both assigned. The music in the background Shannon had insisted on blared loudly. Renee didn't know how she could get anything done.
"Of course," Shannon replied and closed the book, "But now it's time for a break."
"We haven't even started!" Renee exclaimed as Shannon got up from the bed.
"I know, but I think the marshmallows downstairs are calling my name."
Renee rolled her eyes and got up to follow Shannon into the kitchen.
"Just what are they saying?" Renee asked as Shannon rummaged through the pantry.
"Eat me?" Shannon asked, her mouth full of the white sugar as she ate one. She held up the bag, "Want some?"
Renee shook her head and laughed, "No, I don't really like marshmallows."
"Oh," Shannon nodded and took a seat at the counter, "So, you never told me about your first time."
"First time?"
"Sex." Shannon grinned, "I told you mine, now tell me yours."
"I was right about you," Renee grabbed the jumbo bag of fluffy marshmallows away from Shannon, "You always have sex on your mind. You're such a bad influence..."
"Oh, good. Now you and mommy dearest have something to agree on." Shannon teased.
Renee shook her head and shoved the bag into Shannon's chest, "Here, take them. They're disgusting."
"Really, Renee. Why don't you tell me?"
Renee stood still for a moment, wondering what she should tell Shannon. She took a breath, "It wasn't what I expected. I wish it would had been with someone else. A new first time."
That's all she would say on the subject.
Renee knew that no one would expect her to have had sex with her mother being so religious. She never did like to talk about it-much less explain how it felt. She felt horrible after it all. She cried realizing what they had done; she instantly wished she could had taken it all back. That way she could share it with someone else. Someone who was special to her.
Renee found Shannon standing there quietly. She was looking Renee over, starring at her. Renee coughed and excused herself to go to the restroom. She hurried down the hall and shut herself inside. After locking the door, she sat down on the toilet and stared at her reflection in the mirror.
She jumped as she heard a knock on the door, "Renee, are you okay?"
Renee could see Shannon's shadow under the door.
"I'm fine," she whispered.
She knew she wasn't. She knew that something was wrong with the way she felt. The playful banter would soon come to an end. She just didn't know if she could handle it.

After Renee had decided to come out of the bathroom, Shannon didn't bring up the subject again. Instead, they resumed studying in her room. She figured that she'd wait for Renee to explain. She knew this was a touchy subject. She also had her heart skip a beat when Renee had said she wished for her first time to be with someone else.
Shannon peeked over her text book to look at Renee who was concentrating on a calculus problem-her brow furrowed. Shannon cleared her throat. Renee looked away from the problem, her face lighting up, "Need help?" she asked.
"I don't understand this," Shannon put her book down and pointed to an equation.
"Oh, this is real easy." Renee said as she took the book and grabbed a new sheet of paper.
Shannon leaned closer to get a better look at what she was doing to solve it. Shannon watched as Renee's hands made signs of counting the numbers in her head and drastically jotting down steps. Shannon could feel Renee's breath against her skin as she told her what she was doing. It sent tingles of goose bumps racing up and down her arm. Shannon looked at Renee's eyes; so focused.
Renee put down the pencil after solving the problem, "Does that help?"
Shannon hadn't heard a word Renee had said. She shifted uncomfortably on the bed and nodded her head, "Yeah, thanks."
Renee smiled and then continued her own studies.
Shannon couldn't seem to get her work done. Instead, she felt Renee's foot brush against hers accidentally. Her heart pounded in her ears and she could feel the blood rushing through her veins. If only she could just make a move; to somehow explain the feelings that were building up inside for Renee. She knew that it would put the both of them in an awkward situation. She couldn't just tell Renee what she felt if she herself had made no gesture of having some kind of attraction. Shannon felt that all hope was lost. She should just give up on the idea of her and Renee ever being anything more than friends until Renee asked the unthinkable.
"Shannon," she said slowly as she put her pencil down, "How do you know if you're-"
Shannon knew Renee would never say the word, but she felt a burst of excitement in her stomach.
"Gay?" she finished for her.
She didn't hear Renee respond. She just kept herself looking at the calculus book in front of her; not meeting the eyes of Shannon.
Shannon thought of what she would say. Renee was serious. Shannon couldn't think of any advice to give her.
She examined Renee closely; her hair was pulled back, her blue eyes cast downward, the blouse she had worn was untucked and wrinkled. She saw a small eyelash on her cheek; Shannon reached over and brushed it away with her thumb. She heard Renee take in a quick breath as she kept it there. Shannon didn't want to mess this moment up-one wrong move and she could fall from the wire she walked upon.
She moved her hand towards Renee's hair, turning Renee's face towards her. Renee bit her lip nervously; anticipating what would happen. All teasing gone-she let Shannon lean closer to where she was looking into her eyes, "It's okay," she whispered, trying to calm Renee.
She was so close-it was just a little further. Shannon could see Renee's lips; smooth and pink. They were wet from her tongue running across them. She let her lips hover-thinking about what she was doing and taking in all of Renee. Her smell, the way she looked, her actions. Shannon could feel Renee's breath against her lips. She let her hand trail slowly down Renee's cheek. They were soft and at each touch she felt electricity. Shannon smiled as she leaned closer. She couldn't wait...
Then Renee pulled away.
The light seemed too bright, the music was playing too loud. Outside a man had driven up in a white van to clean the pool. It was the wrong time. Shannon knew that Renee would freak out-she was scared of what was happening.
"I can't," Renee shook her head. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears, "Not like this."
Shannon watched as Renee gathered up her books quickly and stuff them into her bag.
"I'm sorry, Shannon. I can't do this." she apologized.
Shannon opened her mouth to say something; tell Renee that...
She didn't know what she would say. Her actions spoke louder than her words.
The moment-the trance Shannon had been in that had drawn her to Renee-was broken. She had fallen. She felt this utter disbelief that she had gotten so close in such a short amount of time only for Renee to pull away as quickly as she had started. Renee brought her hands to her forhead; she was a mess. Shannon knew that she had just ruined her chance.

Chapter 7: Rethinking
After slipping by her mother once they arrived home, Renee rushed up to her room. She wanted to call Shannon to see how she was even if she didn't get an apology. Renee herself felt she needed to set things right between them. As she reached her room, she closed the door. After hearing it click shut, she fell back onto her bed trying to calm herself down.
With each ring, Renee could feel her throat tighten. The thought of her mother just downstairs made the moment even more nerve racking.
After the fifth ring, Shannon picked up, "Renee, I'm really sorry about earlier."
Renee was confused, "How did you know it was me?"
"Caller ID of course,"
Renee could picture Shannon standing there, smiling as she twisted a strand of hair around her finger.
"I'm not really supposed to be talking to you right now, but I thought I'd call."
"Oh, really? Am I turning Ms. Wilks into a bad girl?" Shannon asked seductively.
"Oh, please. Don't call me that. You'll remind me of my mother which is someone I definitely want to forget right now."
Renee rolled her eyes and stared at her computer screen across the room. For being grounded her mother was lenient. Renee figured it wasn't even just about her skipping school, it was that she was doing it with Shannon.
"Why? What happened?" Shannon asked.
Renee felt her throat tighten a bit more. She knew Shannon was concerned.
"You don't want to know," Renee shook her head.
If she could prolong what she knew would come out sooner or later it might not be so bad.
"Of course I do," Shannon paused, "You're my best friend."
Renee smiled, "I'm all you got,"
From down the hall Renee could hear her mother's humming while coming up the stairs. Renee, still holding the phone, got up and tiptoed to the door. She opened it quietly and saw her mother's door shut. She only had a few more minutes to spare.
She looked over to the door handle and whispered quietly, "I've really got to go,"
"Wait, are we...okay?" Shannon asked.
There was an underlining nervousness in her rushed words.
Renee made her way over to the computer chair and sat down, "Yeah, we are."
She made the chair spin around as she heard a sigh of relief on the other end.
"Good, because you have no idea what I went through tonight.
I was half expecting your mother-"
"What? You were here?"
The chair came to a halt.
Shannon was quiet for a moment, "Your mom didn't tell you did she?"
Shannon asked this in a apathetic tone. It was like she knew what was going to happen, but refused to believe it.
"Tell me what?" Renee asked as she switched the cell to her other ear, "Tell me what?" she repeated.
"That I had come over? I was going to apologize. It was like hell with that woman. I thought she was about to break out the holy water on me and yell a line from The Exorcist."
That was it. Renee clicked her cell phone off and let it clatter to the floor. She didn't care that she had just hung up on Shannon. She was going to confront her mother about this.

Renee threw open her mother's bedroom door to find her sorting clothes. Renee heard the door hit the wall and send a picture frame crashing to the floor. Mrs. Wilks looked up startled, "Renee? What on earth?"
"You have no right-" Renee started, her face red with anger and hands balled into fists.
"Renee, what are you trying to say?" Mrs. Wilks asked interrupting her daughter with a quizzical look.
"Don't treat me like that! You lied to me," Renee paused, "Why couldn't you have just told me? You just acted like everything was so normal!"
"Honestly Renee, I don't know what you're talking about."
"About Shannon! What do you have against her? Quit acting like you don't know what you're doing!" Renee screamed.
Her mother looked shocked for a moment; dropping the sock she had been holding.
Renee saw her mother close her eyes for a brief moment, only to open them and stand still. She didn't say a word.
"You don't like her! I know you don't! Why the hell not?" Renee questioned.
"Don't use that word," her mother looked at her sternly as if Renee wasn't making any sense at all; ignoring what she had asked.
"Why can't you just accept her for who she is? I don't see why it is you hate her so much!"
This time Renee asked it quietly, "Can't you just tell me? Just explain..." her lips quivered as anger rushed through her body.
Renee had to get to the bottom of her mother's actions.
"She's a bad influence, Renee! I've told you this already. She already has you skipping school to go over to her house with no supervision whatsoever. She's has no boundaries in life or future plans. Her parents are tycoons with money that travel the world only to forget that they have a daughter at home they need to fix. That-that girl has no morals."
Renee shook her head; her mother couldn't get it through her head that "she" has a name.
Her mother had now made her way around the bed to where she stood in front of Renee. Her eyes were tired and worn looking, her brown hair that was graying was pulled into a loose ponytail. The lines in her face deeper, more severe. She looked so old. Renee finally understood what Shannon had been talking about.
"Do you actually think people can just "fix" their problems? It's not that simple-"
"Yes it is!"
Renee saw her mother for who she was right then. Desperate.
"Then why couldn't you fix your marriage?" Renee seethed, "Why couldn't you fix it to where he stayed?"
Renee regretted what she said just then. When her mother hit her, she didn't see it coming. It was a quick blur, a flash of white out of the corner of her eye, and then the side of her face just exploded, burning, as the hand made a sickening slap against her cheek.
"Don't you ever, ever, mention that again!" her mother whispered harshly.
Renee looked at her mother; confused. She didn't say another word.
The prickle of her skin was caused by the tears that fell. Renee turned and ran to her room; falling to the bed only to wish Shannon was there as she muffled her cries.

Shannon couldn't seem to grasp what she had just heard on the other end of the phone line. Renee was sobbing uncontrollably, but Shannon knew what had happened. Renee's mother slapped her. The "can't leave home without a nutritious breakfast" and "note in the lunch box with diagonally cut sandwiches" mother had slapped Renee. Shannon knew it was because of her. It was like something straight out of the Shannon School of Parental Dysfunction. She knew it all too well-the feeling of being let down. Shannon thought about taking revenge right then and there but felt she'd upset Renee. She kept her thoughts to herself. She wanted to say something about maternal mood swings and dangers of estrogen imbalance in women of that age just so she could make everything right-she hated seeing Renee like this.
"She said I couldn't see you," Renee breathed, "because you were a bad influence. She said that I was throwing my life away, Shannon! Can you believe that?"
Maybe you are...
Shannon always seemed to think the negative in times like these. Renee still only viewed their relationship as "friend's only", never to venture to anything more.
Shannon couldn't believe anything she was hearing. It was like she was in an alternate reality; she was heading straight down a path to disaster.
It seemed to be always coming back to her. Why couldn't it just be someone else for a change? Why couldn't she just get what she wanted?
Shannon resisted the thought of making a joke to cover up her aggravation. This was serious. She wanted to say something to calm Renee; to make light of the situation. She did her best to let Renee say what she needed.
"I really wish you were here," Shannon listened as Renee blew her nose, "I really need someone to talk to. My so-called mother is probably thinking about what she did with her nose in a corner. Repenting her sins for forgiveness..."
"How about I come over?" Shannon suggested already prepared to make the trip.
She tried not to laugh at Renee's joke about her mother. She was finding it rather difficult.
"No," Renee sniffed, "If my mom saw you then I'd really be in trouble. Probably grounded forever."
"I bet she'd have the garlic and stakes ready," Shannon nodded, " You could sneak me in though. It'd be like Mission Impossible. You'd be way hotter than Tom Cruise though,"
Shannon couldn't believe what had just slipped out-she didn't even mean for it to. She just really wanted to see Renee, she would do anything.
She tried to move the conversation along; away from her sexual fantasies.
She still was trying to forget the Tom Cruise comment as Renee kept talking. Shannon felt that Renee didn't even seem to mind the comment-it was like she was unphased. Yet, it seemed as hard as she tried, she couldn't seem to get the image out of her head. She felt very dirty for thinking of Renee in that sort of way, because she knew if she ever acted on her thoughts, her insecurities would kick in. Leading Shannon on an emotional rampage to try to block out the ever so charming, lovely Renee of Minnesota she had fallen for from the start. Only just like all the other girls she wouldn't be so quick to forget. Shannon knew Renee wasn't just any other girl, she was the girl. The girl that could twist her heart with a single smile; the sound of her voice sending ripples of emotions through her body. The thoughts that kept adding up to one thing. She couldn't resist Renee; she wasn't the kind of girl you could easily forget in one night that you ever had met. She'd stick with her forever no matter how far away she got from the little town in Nowhere, Minnesota.
Renee's strong sounding voice brought Shannon back to reality.
"She stores the stakes in a chest in her room with lacy corsets," Renee whispered, still going on about the vampire comment, "She's a real live Queer Slayer."
Shannon laughed at the joke. She then remembered what Renee had said earlier that she had totally tuned out, "Wait-you're grounded?"
"Yeah, we skipped school remember? I know it was mainly because I was with you." Renee explained, her voice sounding like it was weird Shannon hadn't caught it the first time she said it.
"We'll probably have detention tomorrow morning," Shannon implied trying to steer Renee away from her mother for a moment. The thought of a middle-aged woman in lacy corsets was anything but attractive.
"Thanks for stating the obvious," Renee laughed.
"Maybe you could tutor me?" Shannon asked, "If your offer still stands."
Shannon really did need the help, "I'm failing math, you know."
"Oh, how I should had known," Renee sighed.
"It's not my fault, honest. I swear my math teacher takes his sexual frustration at home out on his students."
"You bring sex into everything..."
Shannon could see Renee scrunching her face up in fake disgust and rolling her eyes. She heard Renee chuckle quietly. It felt good to hear Renee laugh after what she had just gone through.
"Anyways, would this involve a short plaid skirt and white button down blouse? Should a bring one of those long yard sticks so that you'll stay focused?" Renee continued.
"Maybe for Halloween," Shannon mumbled.
Shannon knew what she meant, but resisted commenting on the idea, "Now who's brining sex into everything?" she asked as Renee ventured further.
"At least mine was funny...old wrinkly men trying to get off to the thought of their wives cooking meatloaf isn't exactly what I'd call thrilling."
I'll show you a thrilling time, Shannon smirked.
"I'm positive you can't come over to my house. So, how about after school I can come over?"
Shannon heard herself say something along the lines of agreeing to the idea. She was too focused on the fact that Renee would be coming over against her mother's wishes. This time it wouldn't be to swim.

Chapter 6: Forgiveness
Renee hated that she would be attending the eight o'clock mass that night. She much rather be at home in her room; the thought of having to praise the Lord and be forgiven for sins were the least of her worries. Despite it being only Wednesday night service, her mother had insisted on Renee wearing something nice and taking a shower. Renee didn't want to argue, knowing it'd only make things worse. So she just went along with it to keep her mother happy. After she had gotten ready, her mother whisked her off to the church in no time flat. They had taken a seat near the front on one of the many uncomfortable wooden pews that lined the church. She tried to adjust herself, but instead had her mother nudge her to keep still. Renee rolled her eyes and bowed her head as the preacher began the Lord's Prayer.

"Our Father, who art in Heaven..."

Renee heard the congregation recite the verse knowingly as they followed. The priest went on with the routine and Renee went along with him, not really paying attention but basically knowing everything by heart. It was ingrained into her; it was automatic. She knew the expectations and prohibitions of the church. She knew that murder was wrong, loving your neighbor was praised, getting slapped on your cheek and turning your face only to be slapped again was admirable, honoring your mother and respecting your father was a commandment. She also knew that homosexuality was a sin.
She looked up to see Father Reynolds drone on; the meaningful words losing all substance as Renee fiddled with the hem of her skirt. Renee mumbled the words under her breath as her mother sat beside her.
A look of peacefulness crossed her face; her eyes were closed, her hair was pulled into a bun, and her legs were crossed delicately. She hadn't seen her mother look like that in a long time. She seemed to be getting distant; always having work to deal with and then her constant worry of how Shannon was effecting her daughter.
Renee's blue eyes gazed upwards until they settled on the crucifix that hung right in the front of the church. There he was, the man that sacrificed his own life for the sins of others. The man who challenged authority. The man who loved them all.
He looks so miserable…
The wooden Jesus, with the crown of thorns, the nails in his hands and feet, and the downcast eyes in so much pain; bleak and lifeless as they cast down a look of shame. Renee felt a chill race up her spine.
If the Romans were capable of doing that to the son of God she could only imagine what her mother was capable of doing. Renee knew that if her mother ever found out about Shannon, she'd probably accuse her of trying to "turn" her daughter gay. Even though she had never heard her mother say it, Renee knew what she thought of Shannon. It was out in the open right when she started asking all the questions at dinner.
Her mother didn't trust Shannon, and it hurt Renee to see Shannon be turned down by one more person based on her actions. The thought of being ostracized by her own mother made her heart twist painfully in her chest. Renee looked down at the Bible she held in her lap. The words confused her; their meaning getting lost as she read over the same few lines over and over again. The church taught her that forgiving is what good Catholics did.

Murderers were forgiven for taking lives and thieves were forgiven for taking livelihoods. So how can you not be forgiven for falling in love? How can love be a sin? If God didn't want homosexuality in the world then God wouldn't have created it. Right?

The rhetorical questions were making her head begin to throb lightly and she did her best to clear her thoughts the only way she knew how, she thought of Shannon. Renee felt like she was suffocating as she heard coughs of elderly people and the shuffle of feet behind her. The thought of what Shannon had gone through all her life made her ache.
She didn't deserve the torment she received from others. Having such lousy parents didn't make it any better. Renee knew without Shannon telling her that life with her parents was rough. With how her mother acted, it was all about controlling.
They didn't get along, and when they would it would all lead back to Shannon with her "problem". Her parents could care less about Shannon. Renee knew this from how Shannon's mother acted. She wanted Shannon to fulfill her dreams, live up to her expectations, and accommodate everything just for her to be satisfied.
Renee casted another side ways glance over to her own mother. She was still in the same position; her mouth open slightly as the pastor continued into yet another prayer. This time, Renee bowed her head and prayed silently for strength. Strength of Shannon and herself.

"Amen."


Shannon held the receiver of the phone in her hand as she weighed her options on why she should call Renee to apologize. She looked down at the tiny buttons; her brain going over Renee's number trying to persuade her to just call.
She probably would hang up on me...
Shannon didn't like to think that's what would happen, but it was one of the more possible reasons on why she shouldn't. She knew that if she just called and got it over with she could sleep well knowing she wouldn't have to worry about facing Renee tomorrow at school in front of everyone. Instead of doing what she knew was best, she dropped the phone to the floor.
Just forget about it...
She lazily fell back onto the bed and rolled over onto her stomach. She stared at the phone as it laid on the carpet with the green talk button still flashing. Each time, she felt herself growing weaker and wanting to give into her emotions. She knew Renee would probably forgive her for what had happened earlier that day, but didn't want to let Renee know that she was absolutely sorry for what she had said. Part of it she did believe. Renee was trying to tell her what she was doing wasn't right without even knowing the whole situation. It wasn't right, what Shannon had done, but something had to be if it lead to something good.
It was Renee that came through after the storm of trying to find herself, the meaning of what she knew was true deep down. Renee was her safe haven. She was open, trusting, and did her best to be the support Shannon needed even though she knew the truth about her. Shannon couldn't control what she felt despite how Renee viewed their relationship.
Those girls she met at the clubs in New York weren't just about one nightstands or living it up just to forget because of a hang over, they were about her figuring out who she was. Skylar wasn't the only girl Shannon had been with; true. She had also not been the last. In order for her to give into the thought that she might like girls, she had to try out all the options. Even if that meant doing wrong to others in the process. In the long run she knew that it would all lead to something lasting, final, in what she felt she needed to express.
Shannon's thoughts soon came back to the phone. She wanted to desperately pick it up, but thought that it'd just be a waste of time. Shannon could tell Renee was accepting to the fact and very open to her being gay, but she didn't think Renee could take it knowing that she had done so many wrong things in the past to get to where she was. Shannon's head was pounding. She couldn't let these things get to her.

Sitting outside of Renee's house as it rained Shannon could feel the thoughts seeping back into her brain one by one; taunting her. If she could just talk to Renee she could explain. She quickly flipped the headlights to a narrow view then broad while messing with the radio trying to find a good song to match her mood. She settled on a rock song and as it hit the chorus she sang what she knew only to mumble the rest.
Turning up the volume a bit more, she could hear the bass pumping through the car. As she peeked outside the window she could see through the tiny droplets that Renee's bedroom light was on. She found that if she stared hard enough, she could see slight movements behind the curtain and tried to resist the temptation of honking.
Shannon didn't know why she kept battling with herself about this. It wasn't that it was hard, just not so easy for her to admit. She knew she was contradicting herself and it was all lies. What she told herself didn’t mean anything if she was still sitting in her car alone. If she didn't go through with it, she'd keep going over the reasons of why she should had never come. On a whim, Shannon opened her cell phone and debated on still trying to call. Or even to see that Renee might have tried to call. Face to face would be a little bit too much if she had come at a bad time. After seeing what had happened in the car with Renee and her mother, she wasn't ready to find out for herself just how "bad an influence" she really was.
The windshield wipers made a slight squeak as they moved back and forth. They were starting to get on her nerves so she just turned off the car all together. It was the second most successful step she had made that night.

Here I am again...
Shannon stood in front of the hideous red door once again. After nearly slipping on the porch steps, she made sure each move she made wouldn't result in making the process even more unbearable. Counting to three quietly, she reminded herself of why she was there. She held up her hand to press the doorbell, but instead moved it to knock. It seemed too quiet for anyone to hear inside with it raining, so she knocked again. This time harder. Shannon froze as the porch light was turned on and the lock was unlatched. The door was pulled open and Shannon made the attempt to be prepared to spill everything. She needed to say it all right then; just so she could get it all out into the open without forgetting a single detail.
"I'm really-"
Shannon stopped and let out a breath of air she had been holding in.
She was surprised when she saw that it was Renee's mother standing in front of her. Shannon thought about turning away and dashing madly out to her car to safety because by the looks of Mrs. Wilk's face, she wasn't so thrilled to find Shannon standing on her doorstep.
"Oh, it's you again."
"Um, is Renee here?"
Shannon didn't feel the need to point out to Mrs. Wilks that she did indeed have a name. It wouldn't do any good.
Shannon could feel Mrs. Wilk's stare. She knew that she was probably soaking wet, so she didn't bother asking if she could come in. From the way Renee's mother was looking at her, with her head cocked to the side and jaw slight clenched, she felt like she'd be over staying her welcome.
"Yes, but she's in the shower.”
"Oh," Shannon paused, trying to think of something witty to say. Before she could get it out, she was interrupted.
"She'll be going to the church. She won't have any time to waste."
From the way she said that Shannon knew that waiting around wouldn't be the wisest choice.
Shannon kept finding herself peeking past Mrs. Wilks so that she could somehow be rescued.
She alternated her weight to her other foot and ran her fingers through her hair. She was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
"Could you tell her to call me?" she asked in one last attempt.
Shannon watched as Renee's mother stepped back rather slowly and crossed her arms.
"If I remember,"
Mrs. Wilks turned around as she heard footsteps descending the stairs.
She then added rather rudely, "You should leave."
Without saying another word, the door was shut. Shannon stood there for a moment going over her encounter with Renee's mother.
She knew that once the door was opened it had been a complete waste of time.
Shannon, feeling like she had made no progress, made her way back home in the rain.

I like it, but it's a solid block of text; you should put spaces in-beween paragraphs, just a little comment, you don't have to follow it or anything

Chapter 5: Q & A
Renee walked along the line of lockers in the school courtyard. She had wondered where Shannon was until she saw her by her own locker wearing dark sunglasses and smoking.
"Shannon! To what do I owe thy stalking?" Renee asked as she walked up. Shannon turned her head away and nodded. Renee watched as she took another drag of the cigarette and blew a puff of smoke into the wind.
Renee shook her head knowing Shannon wouldn't answer. Something must be wrong.
"Just how are you getting away with smoking?"
Shannon smiled slightly and looked around. Renee followed her actions and saw that there were no teachers in sight.
"Just how are you out of class?"
This time it was Shannon who spoke; her voice slow and mocking.
Renee didn't respond and tried to hide her smile. She was on her way to the bathroom. That is, until she caught sight of Shannon.
"Well, did you skip class?" Renee tried again.
Shannon was trying to change the subject and Renee wouldn't stand for that.
In the distance, Renee could hear the slight hum of a janitor waxing the floors as she waited patiently for Shannon to answer.
Shannon threw the bud to the ground and stomped it out with her heel. She then turned and crossed her arms, "I didn't feel like coming,"
Renee didn't bother to ask why. With Shannon, it was best to let these things come out on their own even if she did have to give her a push in the right direction. Renee wondered what had happened after Shannon left her house that night.
"Do you want to get together after school?"
"How about now?" Shannon asked as she pushed her sunglasses up to her hair.
"What? Skip school?" Renee questioned.
Shannon looked at her and smiled. Renee knew that smile. It was the kind that led to trouble.
It was the period right before lunch; soon the halls would be filled with students and teachers. Renee didn't know if she could do it.
"Yeah, we can go swimming."
Shannon didn't even ask Renee if it was okay. She just took Renee by the arm and dragged her away. Renee found herself praying silently that they wouldn't get caught as they stepped off school grounds.

"Are you ever going to get in?" Shannon asked.
Renee watched as Shannon paddled around the pool on a blow up lounge chair; her sunglasses in place and hair pulled back.
"No." Renee shook her head as she sat in one of the many chairs that lined the pool.
"I've got plenty of suits. You could even go naked if you want," Shannon called out.
"I'd be afraid you would be checking me out,"
Renee personally could care less, but didn't say so. The thought of anything but a platonic relationship made Renee sick to her stomach.
"You? Come on. I may be a lesbian, Renee, but I'm not into the whole 'Friends with Benefits' scenario."
Renee knew Shannon was probably rolling her eyes under her sunglasses, but in her mind liking the idea.
"Is this what you do when you skip school?"
"Basically,"
They were quiet for a moment. Renee wanted to ask Shannon just why she had shown up late for school.
"So, what happened last night?"
"What do you mean?" Shannon asked as she rolled over onto her back.
"I mean, after you left."
Shannon lay motionless, her chest rising and falling as she turned the idea of telling Renee over and over in her head. She didn't feel that she should share everything with Renee until she had to.
"I-"
Renee didn't have time to hear Shannon's response. Instead, she heard the sound of the back door sliding open interrupting her. She saw a woman in heels step out into the sun; she wore a pin stripped suit. Her hair was premed and her fingernails looked freshly manicured.
"Shannon, I'm leaving," the woman said. She slipped her sunglasses off and jingled the BMW's keys in her hand.
Renee stood up quickly and pulled her shirt down as the woman turned to look at her.
"Who's this?" she asked; eyeing Renee suspiciously.
Out of the corner of eye Renee could see Shannon stepping out of the pool.
"Meet my mother," Shannon mumbled as she walked up.
"This is Renee," Shannon gestured towards Renee as she grabbed a towel.
"This isn't another one of your girlfriends is it?"
"Girlfriend?" Renee asked.
"You've got it all wrong Mrs. Willis," Renee tried to explain, but instead she saw Shannon's mother turn towards her sharply, "I was not talking to you."
Renee was shocked by Mrs. Willis's sudden attitude.
"Renee is just a friend," Shannon shrugged, "We were just hanging out."
"Hanging out? Is that what you call it? I come home every month to find different girls to deal with all the while you’re just "hanging out" with them?"
"Renee isn't like that," Shannon glanced over at Renee who stood silently, "She's different."
"Oh, really? How? Will she steal the Mercedes like Sherri? Drink all the vodka in the house to where she has to be sent to the hospital like Marissa? Or is she just another one night stand for you wake up to and forget?" Mrs. Willis asked as she looked at her daughter, a look of exasperation crossing her face. Renee knew that her mother wasn't very accepting when it came to her daughter's midnight rendezvous.
"Mom, do we have to get into this right now? I thought we discussed this already," Shannon whispered; keeping her eyes on Renee.
Shannon knew that her mother could go on and on. She refused to let her go any further to reveal anymore personal things to Renee. She wasn't ready for her to find out everything just yet.
"I can't have you running around with your little girlfriends all the time. Especially after all the things that happened in New York."
Renee watched as Mrs. Willis shook her head and dug into her billfold.
She pulled out a handful of hundreds, "This should last you until I get back from L.A. We'll talk about this later."
Shannon took the money and watched her mother turn away; she gave Renee one last glance as she walked into the house.
"So, that was your mother?"
"The witch from Hell comes to visit me each month," Shannon looked down at the hundreds she held, "I'm sorry you had to witness that."
"Do you want to tell me about your other girlfriends, Shannon?" Renee asked seriously.
"None of them meant anything,"
"That makes it better?"
Renee didn't understand how Shannon could give herself to so many unknowing girls just to feel better, loved for one night, then just move on before she got any further.
She was afraid to get hurt, Renee could see that, but it was no excuse.
"You have no idea what you're talking about." Shannon shook her head and started walking into the house.
"I think I do, Shannon."
Renee followed Shannon through the walkway; her house was one of the many secluded in the outskirts of town surrounded by trees. Tight security system, manicured lawn and
garden, and multiple luxury cars parked in the long circular driveway all screamed for attention.
They had stopped by the refrigerator as Shannon turned, "No, you don't. Just because I tell you one thing, you think you can start giving out advice like you know everything about me."
"I'm giving you advice because I know what you're doing isn't right. You just lead girls on because you're insecure,"
"Who are you? My therapist? You don't know a damn thing."
Shannon hated how her voice sounded. Young and vulnerable; all the things she didn't want it to be.
Shannon had now made her way to the front door. Renee watched as she opened it, "I want you out of my house."
"You know what?" Renee asked as she stepped out onto the porch and turned, "I could care less."

Renee couldn't believe she had just called her mother to pick her up.
"I knew she was trouble right from the start," her mother began as they pulled out of Shannon's driveway. Renee looked in the mirror to see Shannon looking outside a window; her arms crossed and blinds nearly shut.
"What?" Renee asked turning towards her mother. She pushed Shannon away for a brief moment, "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't even know Shannon."
"I do, Renee. I know that she had a lot of problems in New York. That's why they moved here,"
"What are you doing? Checking up on my friends?"
Renee saw her mother clench the steering wheel; Renee had never talked to her mother that way.
"I was told by the school when they called saying you weren't there."
"They just happened to reveal this information to you?"
"No," her mother said slowly, " I asked who you were with and they explained."
Renee shook her head and looked outside the window. The city limit was soon coming into view as she saw the sign.
"I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore."
Renee sighed heavily, "Do you think that'll solve the problem? If I just stop seeing her?"
"No, but being grounded will."
"What? Why?"
"I know this seems harsh, but it's for your own good. I can't have you just throwing your life away for this girl."
"She has a name. Why won't you ever say her name? It's Shannon. Shannon!"
Renee could feel herself begin to overreact; her anger rising.
Her mother glanced over at her; a look of coldness washing over her face, "Don't raise your voice to me; ever. I don't care what it is you're saying, all I know is that you will not be seeing Shannon anymore."
Renee heard how her mother said Shannon's name; like it was something so foul and putrid that if she just uttered one syllable it would be the end as she knew it.
The drive back to the house seemed to last forever. Renee sat calmly as she listened to her mother preach. She was secretly thinking of all the nasty things she would say if it wasn't for the fear Mother Superior crashing down on her once again. Renee knew that her mother wasn't always this over protective of her, but since Renee's father left her mother always felt that it was her job to keep it together.
It was like her mother was giving a sermon; almost as if she had rehearsed the whole thing before she got there on all the reasons Renee wouldn't be seeing Shannon. That she
would be attending the early Sunday mass, come straight home from school, and she made it clear that there'd defiantly be no Shannon.
Renee pressed her forehead against the window; rain started to fall and she could feel herself block out her mother's voice. She felt that her body was drifting away; the only thing that mattered were the thoughts that remained in the back of her mind. She kept herself focused as the rain fell harder.

YAY MATTIE!

Very, very excellent, I've got to say...hooked? Definitely. How else could I read through four posts in a sitting?

Mmm, well, the characters of Renee and Shannon need to be a little more unique, I think- considering you go back and forth between them really quickly and mostly the reader's not catching who's speaking or who's doing what, but just understanding that something happened- which can be good sometimes, but not now at the beginning. Now it's bad. You need to make your transitions between mentioning characters a little more smooth and there should be much more distinction between the two to really make the whole piece work.

Second, I think the correct term for a girl would be 'lesbian'. I'd dictionary.com it or something, though, 'cause I could possibly be incorrect...God forbid.

However, I did really like the part where the mom is grilling Shannon. It's quite typical and hilariously realistic- isn't that what moms are supposed to do to your friends? Especially friends who don't say grace.

Anyway, very, very good story, Mattie. See you around!

It seems too unreal to believe...I don't want to believe it. I keep pushing it towards the back of my mind, hoping it will all go away. It keeps surfacing though...leaving me to challenge the possibility. I can't...not anymore. I've seeked advice, been reassured, but...it's not enough. It's just not enough. It kills me each day that I hold the secret...every day. I've acted on the thoughts, but nothing seems right. If I could only find a way to change what might be in store for me in the future, I could have a chance...a chance of changing what I know is going to get me. It'll get me good. When I least expect it.


This was a good start. The rest of it was a little bit...blah, if you catch my drift. A quick tip, "seeked" should be sought. There are a lot of other things like that but a quick read-through should do it for you. Your characters are good, if a little unoriginal. keep working at it!

a quick note--the last two sentences of the prologue are really, super cheesy. Change them.

Chapter 4: Processing
Shannon could feel her face burning, her hands clammy, and heart racing as she waited for Renee’s reaction. It was killing her. She swept her hair up into a pony tail; the band pulling her hair back so tightly she felt she couldn't breathe. Her eyes darted over Renee's features; the straps were still entangled.
Renee couldn’t believe what she had just heard.
Lesbian?
How could that be?
“You can’t be,” Renee shook her head.
“That’s what I thought too, but it’s true. I just felt that you needed to know. I had to tell you before we got too close.”
“Too close?” Renee questioned.
“As friends. I didn’t want you to freak out…I was afraid you might tell everyone.”
“I won’t tell. Not until you're ready.”
“Thank you.”
They sat for awhile as they listened to Renee’s mother clean up downstairs. The piling of dishes wavered up the stairs and the smell of candles burning. The fumes became too much. Renee could feel her head throbbing needing to say something; anything.
“I need to process this.” Renee said suddenly, rubbing her temples.
“It’s a lot of information, I know.” Shannon reached over and placed her hand on Renee’s leg.
She quickly drew it away after seeing Renee look up. Shannon started rambling; feeling that if she talked fast and loud enough it'd make everything seem right, “If you don’t want to be friends we don’t have to be. I know what it can be like to find this out and feel you’ve been mistaken. Like your whole relationship has been a lie. I-”
“Shannon," Renee cut in, "I-I don’t want to stop being your friend. No matter what your feelings are.”
Shannon nodded, understanding what Renee might be going through right now.
"Who have you told?" Renee asked.
"Just you for now. My parents know, and some of my friends in New York. They used to send me to a shrink thinking he'd "straighten" me out."
Shannon nearly laughed at her own joke, but held back seeing how concerned Renee was.
"Have you ever been in a relationship?"
Shannon felt this weird sense of relief wash over her. Renee was so understanble.
She didn't act like she was near a disease; something you could catch if you got too close. It was comforting.
"Yes," Shannon lowered her voice, "It was with this girl, Skylar, I had met at a club downtown in New York. She was older, kind, beautiful...she was perfect. We talked, and soon we were back at her apartment on 5th Avenue. I didn't know how it happened, but soon her little black dress was on the floor and she was leading me to the bedroom."
She felt weird sharing this information with Renee. She had never told anyone.
"She was my first time. It was gentle, sensual...it was everything. She took her time, not like a boy who would have rushed. It was slow, everything a deliberate motion. Treated me as if I was something so fragile that she wanted to keep safe. That I was the only one in the world; that what was happening made time stand still. It was just us. What she was doing to me was the only thing that mattered. She was experienced. I fell hard."
Shannon heard Renee swallow and continued, "I left her though. She got into trouble with drugs and cheated on me countless times. She was never there and would always be out partying. I just decided it was time to end the relationship before it went any further and got us both in trouble. Girls can be just as horrible as any sex-crazed boy. They can lie, cheat, steal, dump you for the pretty cheerleader, you can make-up or break-up. Circle of Life."
Shannon knew there was more to her past than that, but felt it would be better to wait for another day.
Renee took a steady breath. She knew that what Shannon was saying was important; she listened closely.
"So, what's with your parents?"
They had both now adjusted themselves to where they were lying on the bed, starring up at the ceiling.
It was ten o'clock.
"Well, they travel like I said. Dad's never there, when my mom is she always has some new boy-toy to screw. I don't know why they don't get a divorce. I think they're embarrassed to be around me. They get so wrapped up in their work it's as if I don't even exist. Maybe they fear they'll say something to hurt me, but I know they want to regardless of my feelings. I've been hurt so much, I think I could withstand the blow. I remember when I first told them, they thought it was just a phase that would go away. They gave up on that though. I know they still want to believe it to this day. That I'll just grow out of it like any other sexual confused teen. They probably like to think they never even had me..."
Despite the emotion rushing through her body, Shannon felt as if a weight was being lifted off her shoulders. She knew she could trust Renee, that's why it felt good to vent her frustration.
"Shannon," Renee could hear the hurt in her voice; the sudden drop in her tone.
Icy, like she was trying to block out the feelings that penetrated.
"Yeah, I know." Shannon laughed, trying to hide the tears that were trying to slip down her face, "That can't be true; how could they think that of their daughter? They do though...they treat it like it's a problem that can be cured, fixed, whatever the hell you want to call it. Do they think I want to be gay? Do they honestly? They don't even know the problems I face. Just by going to school I'm ridiculed and judged. You think I'd be able to count on my parents. They're just as bad as any cocky jock or tight lipped cheerleader."
Shannon shook her head in disbelief. She herself didn't believe what she was saying.
Renee now had her arm around Shannon, comforting her as she cried.
Shannon's barriers had been dropped once again, allowing Renee to step in. To see a side of her that she had never shown anyone else. Shannon hated that feeling of being vulnerable. She hated that she was letting Renee get so close. To see the girl behind the mask that she had crafted so well over the years, it had never cracked. Not until the day she met Renee, the innocent girl who knew what to do to in order to get inside her head; remove the mask and let the real Shannon shine through. They had grown so close and it had only been one day.
"I'd kill to be what's considered as "normal". To not have to worry about facing Hell for the sins I've committed. I am who I am, I can't help that. Even if I tried, I'd never be able to let go of what I've grown so used to." she murmured into Renee's shoulder.

Chapter 3: Telling All
Shannon sat across from Renee at the table. Mrs. Wilks was at the end.
“So, where did you move from?” Mrs. Wilks asked as she pushed her plate away. They had been sitting in silence since the start, only now did Renee's mother speak. Shannon looked over at Renee who was staring intently at the ice in her water.
“New York.”
“New York? Really?” her mother asked enthused.
“Yes ma’am.”
Renee nearly laughed at this. Never before would she have thought Shannon would be the one to be so polite.
“What did your parents do there?”
“Well, they traveled often.”
“Oh,”
Renee felt her mother looking at her.
“How did you come to live here?” her mother asked; averting her eyes to the cross on the wall. They hadn't said Grace that night. Instead, they watched as Shannon served herself, and began eating. Renee had to stop herself from laughing. She didn't think Shannon had ever attended Church. For her, it was every Sunday morning and Wednesday night.
Renee sank lower into the chair as her mother continued. She looked over at Shannon; it looked as if she was somewhere else, just going through the motions of sitting at the table answering the many questions Renee hadn't even thought of. Renee wondered what she was thinking about.
“My father’s job, he’s often traveling with my mother. Just me and the house maids.”
“Sounds lonely,”
“It can be."
Shannon now met the gaze of Renee. She wasn't smiling, just searching Renee's face as if to ask, "Why are we still here?"
Renee watched as her mother sat up right, she only did this when she was ready to lay it on thick. Renee rolled her eyes, her mother could take things a little too far. It was the fourth of many.
“How are you liking school?”
“It’s good,” Shannon turned her head to focus on Mrs. Wilks, “Renee has helped me out a lot.”
Renee looked down at her plate.
“You know mom, you should probably clear away these dishes.”
She wanted to get Shannon alone, she had some questions of her own.
“Nonsense, we have a guest.”
“It’s okay, really,” Shannon said and pushed away her plate as well.
Renee took that as a cue and stood up, “We’ll be upstairs,” she said quickly.
Renee grabbed hold of Shannon’s hand, pulling her away from the table.
Up the stairs to seal my fate...
“So, that was your mom?” Shannon asked as they reached the top floor.
“One and only,”
Renee let go of Shannon’s hand and opened her bedroom door. Shannon rubbed her hands together; she could still feel the warmth of Renee’s hand in her own. She watched as Renee flopped onto the bed and kicked off her sandals, “Make yourself comfortable.”
“I like your room,” Shannon said admiring all the posters she had on her wall of bands and idols, “It’s nice.”
Shannon turned back towards Renee, her brown hair a mess and bra entangled with her tank top strap. Shannon held back on reaching over to fix it.
“Thanks,” Renee grabbed one of the many pillows off of her bed and placed it behind her head.
“So,” Shannon breathed, keeping her hands clasped as she sat, “What’s life like in Minnesota?”
Renee saw that Shannon was uncomfortable, so she sat up and scooted towards the edge.
“Quiet…not really anything to do. People pretty much keep to themselves.”
Shannon nodded her head, considering this, “Do you hang out with any other people?”
“What? Do you not like my company?” Renee asked.
The truth was, she didn't have that many friends at all. Acquaintances maybe if she was lucky. Shannon was the first person she had actually talked to on more than one occasion.
“No, I was just wondering…” Shannon drifted off, looking away to the rug on the floor.
“What?” Renee asked reaching over to place a hand on Shannon's.
“I was just wondering what it is you see in me. Most people would have just brushed me off.”
Renee clamped her mouth shut thinking about what to say.
What exactly had drawn her to Shannon?
She took a moment before letting out a breath of words, “You intrigued me...”
Renee said this so simply, it sent shivers up Shannon's spine just hearing it.
Maybe I'd actually have a chance...
Shannon laughed, “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.”
Renee was taken aback by this, “What do you mean?”
“It’s just that, I have…issues. Things that I’ve done to people I’m not necessarily proud of.”
“Okay, don’t we all?”
Renee didn’t know what Shannon was getting at.
“No,” Shannon whispered and stood.
“No,” she said it more firmly, “You don’t get it.”
Renee stood up as well, “Don’t get what? Shannon, why don’t you just say it?”
“I can’t. You wouldn’t understand,”
“I would if you would just tell me!”
This was getting heated fast, she didn’t know why. Something about what this all would lead to sent Shannon into a whirlwind of emotions.
“I can’t, I can’t…” Shannon shook her head, brining her hands to her forehead.
Shannon could feel the voice inside her head arguing with her.
Tell her. She needs to know. Just say it.
“Shannon,” Renee pressed.
Do it. Come on.
“No, no,”
Shannon couldn’t bring herself to do it. It wouldn’t be fair; she would be jeopardizing what they already have.
Say it. Go!
“You can tell me,” Renee was pleading now.
Shannon couldn’t stop herself.
Soon, the words were tumbling out of her mouth, her lips forming the letters that were unspoken for so many years. Once again they slipped past. Her voice was shaking as her tounge fought to keep them at bay.
"What are you? Whore? Con-Artist? Gay? Druggie?" Renee asked.
Why won't she just tell me?
Shannon winced as she listed the possible factors. She didn’t like referring herself to a label set by society.
"I'm not into labels."
“You can do it,” the voice inside her head said, “Just get it over with.”
“Shannon,” Renee said once more, agitated.
Shannon closed her eyes for a brief second, her hand raking through her hair as it shook nervously. She took a breath, rested her hands on the dresser to steady herself, and took the plunge.
“There’s something you should know about me,” she said shakily, “before we go any further.”
Almost there…
“Okay,” Renee nodded, sitting back on the edge of her bed.
A little further…
“I’m a lesbian."

Chapter 2: Only the Surface
When Shannon looked at her, she knows what weakness is. The weakness a person can bring you, the slow movement, words unspokened, needs left in the dark. She could feel it in her bones, the lack of strength to look away, to resist, this dearth of determination to walk away from her. The self-preservation instinct. To flee in front of danger, all impulse, no thought. And here she was, paralyzed with fear. She was still with want for someone she barely knew. She is a dazzaling tight-rope walker on a wire string. Caught in between what she wants and knowing what she'd have to do in order to get there. What she wants is a reality, the only problem is that it'll take some time. The wire is slick and sharp under her feet; it could snap at any moment if she made the wrong move. She could fall to her death knowning that she could have done better. She saw no easy way out.

Make your move...

Renee had short-circutied her. In the back of her throat she can feel the hurt-the heartbreak-if she does not have as true of feelings as Shannon does in the end.

Shit, Shannon. She has you hanging by a thread.

She played with the make-up brush. It glides over her cheeks, her mouth, and her closed eyes.

For a moment it was almost enough, a simple touch, a fleeting pleasure. She was afraid to want more. But she couldn't help herself.

Love is pain. She didn't know who said that.

“Someone smarter than you certainly,” she whispered to herself.

And here it is, undeniable, the burn and pinch of it in her chest with every inhale. She has learned it so well, this involuntary reaction to their every meeting, so well she already braces herself for it even before she sees Renee; a look at her, a sharp intake of breath, an involuntary smile–and in the background of it all, this frightening free-fall inside her.

Her heart is a slinky. It travels down a long flight of stairs never ending. Her heart goes down and down the stairs, she doesn't know when it'll stop.

Shannon can smell her whenever she sits near, air between them filled with possibilities. She does nothing to turn what is possible into what is real. She is a coward. And yet she doesn't run. Instead, she falls back on the basics of self-defense, the Shannon Routine – the tease, the reel-in, the pull-back – but this time it is her who is jerking uncontrollably at the end of the line, hooked and gasping for air because what she want is so close to the surface that it'd be a waste not to take the chance.

There is no escaping. She had to go through with tonight.
Renee had taught her what weakness is. Shannon laid out her clothes for the night carefully, nearly nauseous with anxiety. Every piece of the ensemble is a talisman, a charm. Black, to keep her feelings hidden. Silk, to stay cool to Renee's touch. Lace, to make Renee want her as much as she does. This will be her armor for tonight. It will not be enough to protect her.
I am weak.
I will succumb.
Shannon looked in the mirror. Old Shannon looked back at her seemingly impervious in the lightweight dress. She looked as though she could wound with a look, smite with a smile. Only her eyes betray her. They scream for her to just forget it, not let someone sneak into her veins and distort her vision of what should be-what's right.

I have faced my weakness. Will I find my strength?

The golden light of a street lamp buzzed, throwing eerie light across the hood of her car. Shannon's heart followed its fitful buzz. A hum, two, then silence, then it is resurrected only to continue.
Shannon’s hands are slick on the steering wheel from clutching it so tight with nervousness. Her mouth dry as she tried to swallow her fears. Her breath is caught up in her throat, egging her to just go. The porch light is on, the doorway looming in front of her.
She's waiting for you...
She closed her eyes, screwed them tight, and willed herself to let go of the steering wheel. She could see her in the darkness behind her eyelids. Confused, but determined, and so strong. Renee. She opened the door and stepped outside.

Shannon swallowed. She dodged back into the driver's seat and closed the car door. Nervously she toyed with the ring on her thumb.

I am not ready. Not yet. Not like this. We only just met. How could she ask such a total stranger to let me confide in her?

Shannon felt herself moving to get back out once again.

She took a step, two, then three. Renee's front door looming before her.

I'm not ready yet. I need some time. She will understand. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Just don't bring it up.

Shannon stood outside the door for quite sometimes before ringing the doorbell. Even then she wished she hadn’t. Renee opened it with no hesitation, wearing a khaki skirt and black tank top.
So simple, yet very irresistible.
Shannon pushed the thought towards the back of her mind once again. She was here because Renee needed to know the truth, not that she wanted to be.
You're lying to yourself, Shannon. You really are.
"Hey, lovely night isn't it?" Renee asked, poking out her head. Shannon closed her eyes and took in the smell of her hair. It smelt of lemons.
"What's with you?" Renee asked, tilting her head and smiling at Shannon.
Shannon's eyes fluttered opened.
She found Renee staring at her as she held open the screen door; a sweet smile lighting up her eyes.
"What do you mean?" Shannon asked averting her eyes to the floor mat.
"You had this weird expression on your face..." Renee drifted off as she leaned against the door.
"Oh, sorry." Shannon said coolly, "So are you going to let me in or did you just invite me over to ask questions?"
"A little," Renee whispered and stepped back allowing Shannon to squeeze through.
Shannon rolled her eyes.
I've got a lot of explaining to do, Shannon thought.
"It's going to be a long night," Renee called out, turning to look at Shannon as she followed her into the house.
My thoughts exactly.

“What are we having?” Shannon asked as they on the couch, the sound of the television muted.
“Spaghetti,”
From afar, Renee could hear the sounds of her mother in the kitchen.
That sat on opposite ends; the silence hanging between them as a clock ticked away the seconds.
“Um…are you going to finish telling me about your book?” Renee asked meekly while picking at a scab on her arm trying to look uninterested.
“Oh, right,” Shannon cleared her throat and turned towards Renee, “She faces her grief in the crazy world she lives in. She soon finds comfort in the weak numbness of daily tasks and in the pain of the tattoos that she begins to draw on herself.”
“Go on,”
“But in destroying her feelings, she also begins to destroy herself, erasing the girl she'd once been as she inks ravens into her skin. It is only through a series of mysterious encounters that Green relearns the lessons of love and begins to heal as she tells her own story. Slowly, she connects with survivors, especially a mysterious boy, who helps her replant her garden and feel joy again.”
“You’ve read this before?”
“Countless times…”
“I thought so.”