Just a bunch of rambling thoughts...
Strange, how cutting grass in October still smells, feels, seems like summer times and lying on the grass listening to bad local bands in the park. How the sun taunts me, while everyone else is happy, just because the sun is shining and not burying itself behind the clouds the way I like to bury myself under the covers on Saturdays and just think about everything before everyone comes to tell me things my sleepy mind isn’t ready to understand for at least another hour. How I hate to feel obligated to be happy when the sun comes out. I’d much rather have it rain, at least then my misery is justified.
Strange, what goes on in the human mind. One thought leads to another, and another. Things can spiral out of control, eat you up inside, and appear more important than they really are. And then, something completely out of place. It’s scary-a sudden sense of what’s the point. Minutes after this feeling, the atmosphere has crept away and I can’t get the feeling back. I wouldn’t want to. “Sure, I’ll have my hair cut tomorrow, go to a concert and do some shopping the day after, next week it’s back to school, but so what? Then what?”
I scare myself. I think I could act upon momentary thoughts if I was weaker, if I was higher, if I was stupider. If I was the kind of person to use the word “stupider” without giving a second thought to its presence in the English dictionary. If I was provoked, if I was angry. I have never properly been angry. Not half as angry as I could be. And a good thing too, for those around me.
I am popular now, more popular than I have ever been. I just want someone to cuddle me and kiss me, to worry about me when I’m walking home on my own in the dark, to think about when those old Motown love songs come on Radio 2.
I thought only forty year old divorcees were supposed to feel this kind of lonely.