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To The Rubble

by MasterGrieves


It had to be me,
to clear up this mess.
No need to feel guilt,
it's just the first batch.
Still, hollow eyes stare-
like there is no faith.
There is not even
a little flicker.
Of hope.

We march.
To the rubble.

The savagery-
it drowns out my speech
with it's grunts. It's simple
language that locks me
in, like some cold groove.

We march.
To the rubble.

The sight is forlorn.
Devastating me.
And hands smother me,
with their prophecies-
of murder & lies.
This web is tangled-
a killing must not
be disturbed- it is
in progress right now.

Go ahead.
To the rubble.


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37 Reviews


Points: 1320
Reviews: 37

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Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:58 pm
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writeitalldown says...



I didn't think your work had a very good flow, the words just kind of seemed forced together. It's vocabulary is moderately advanced and not at all lacking. The meaning was sketchy, maybe missing slightly due to the absence of context?

The first stanza: Your first line is strong because it makes me interested and pulls me in, making me want to read the rest, which is very good and is exactly what it should do. The second line confuses me, which was actually good because by reading the rest of your work, I think i understand that 'first batch' means the first group of people that were killed. Which, makes the beginning of this line 'no need to feel guilt' add to the mood. I like the poetically eery feeling your third line creates. I think grammatically your fourth and fifth line should be one complete sentence, that should help the flow as well.

The second stanza: Even though grammatically this should be one complete sentence, I think the pause is dramatic and helps enhance the language of your poem.

The third stanza: I absolutely love this stanza, it's well written and the language is simply original. Although, you may consider changing where your lines stop and begin, because the reader instinctively pauses at these spots.

The fourth stanza: Good repetition.

The fifth stanza: I wouldn't start your third line with 'And' you're better off just combining sentences, however, I love this line, you're such a great writer. This is another stanza that I just have to simply throw my arms in the air and say "bravo!" to, even when I'm attempting to give some constructive criticism.

The fifth stanza: Good transition from the normal repetition and a simple, yet bold ending line.

-Bettinger




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 1320
Reviews: 37

Donate
Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:57 pm
View Likes
writeitalldown wrote a review...



I didn't think your work had a very good flow, the words just kind of seemed forced together. It's vocabulary is moderately advanced and not at all lacking. The meaning was sketchy, maybe missing slightly due to the absence of context?

The first stanza: Your first line is strong because it makes me interested and pulls me in, making me want to read the rest, which is very good and is exactly what it should do. The second line confuses me, which was actually good because by reading the rest of your work, I think i understand that 'first batch' means the first group of people that were killed. Which, makes the beginning of this line 'no need to feel guilt' add to the mood. I like the poetically eery feeling your third line creates. I think grammatically your fourth and fifth line should be one complete sentence, that should help the flow as well.

The second stanza: Even though grammatically this should be one complete sentence, I think the pause is dramatic and helps enhance the language of your poem.

The third stanza: I absolutely love this stanza, it's well written and the language is simply original. Although, you may consider changing where your lines stop and begin, because the reader instinctively pauses at these spots.

The fourth stanza: Good repetition.

The fifth stanza: I wouldn't start your third line with 'And' you're better off just combining sentences, however, I love this line, you're such a great writer. This is another stanza that I just have to simply throw my arms in the air and say "bravo!" to, even when I'm attempting to give some constructive criticism.

The fifth stanza: Good transition from the normal repetition and a simple, yet bold ending line.

-Bettinger





"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"