Young Writers Society

Hello.
So this is a very simple poem with a very simple confession:

I didn't like it.
I prefer chaos.

We lived in the park.
Two girls greeted me,
hand in hand at a bus stop.
I remember them well,
and I cherish both of them.

First things first, your write up lacked some of the fundamental pillars. i cannot brag of a reviewer yet, i am quite new here, i simply couldnt help but strike my fingers on the keyboard to review this. this piece of yours lacks coherence and chronology. if it isny an abstract piece, i wonder what it really is. one cant write just for the sake of it.
nevertheless there is always a scope for improvement.
incorporate those things.
best of luck,
WBO

Greetings,
first of all the reference to Hindu cows seemed rugged and cool. a lot of people don't know that in Hinduism cows are sacred and so people are forbidden to do them any harm and i liked the fact that you used this interesting piece of information in your work to emphasis the calmness of the projections in the poet's dream.

About the first stanza: the first three lines were beautiful but the last line, i don't know why, i just didn't understand. to where was the poet coming back?

the second stanza: short, simple, minimalist. liked it

the third stanza: the previous setting dissolved and this materialized. i like this form of experimentation; journeying through dream sequences and all ( it made me smile and reminded me of a book i read a few months earlier called "the unconsoled" by Kazuo Ishiguro.)

Fourth stanza: the repetition of the second. it showed that the poet is developing towards something.

fifth Stanza: New setting. the poet at the end questioned reality, which was cool seeing that its some sort of a dream and the atmosphere led into something like the Inception movie.

sixth stanza: again a repetition, showing that the poet is going through the same kind of discontinuity and not developing.

i liked the fact that you ended the poem there and produced an unfinished sort of vibe which looks great.

i liked this piece and i think its really good.

thanks
Puck, signing out

I don't knwo what to make of this. I don't get in the least. It literally feels like you wrote down what you dreamed. becuase everyone moves from one thing to the next, there is no connection. One minute you are in a park and the next you are meeting girls at a bus stop. also whats with the calm as hindu cows. I am hindu and i am very curious to know what hindu cows are, lol.
I still its nice how you wrote this. It really does feel like you woke up after a wierd dream and wrote down everything you remembered. It creates very nice effect. Its very different to the strictly composed poetry i am used to but that just means its unique so well done