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The Dream

by MasterGrieves


I had a dream last night.
My enemies were smiling.
We were at one in peace.
My friends were calm as hindu cows,
and I was coming back.

I didn't like it.
I prefer chaos.

We lived in the park.
Two girls greeted me,
hand in hand at a bus stop.
I remember them well,
and I cherish both of them.

I didn't like it.
I prefer chaos.

Football was played.
No arguments began.
It all seemed fair.
Everything was so nice,
yet so artificial.

I didn't like it.
I prefer chaos.


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530 Reviews

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:08 pm
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Renard wrote a review...



Hello.
So this is a very simple poem with a very simple confession:

I didn't like it.
I prefer chaos.


By this point, I notice that it really does get a little boring when you don't have any real characters to connect with in your writing. "I, I, I" all the time leaves the reader coming up blank with regard to empathising with a character, because there is no one to connect with. This is something you still do now, I would like to see you use names and maybe even third person in some of your works. I think it would really improve the message of some of them.

We lived in the park.
Two girls greeted me,
hand in hand at a bus stop.
I remember them well,
and I cherish both of them.


You hint at doing some of that here, but I still don't know who these people are, and in my ind that needs confirming. I'm sure you'e got a very clear picture in your head of what the story surrounding the events here is, but that just isn't conveyed by the way you've written it.

Not a bad story, just one absent of "real" characters.

~R




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Mon Aug 13, 2012 2:17 pm
waleed1992 wrote a review...



First things first, your write up lacked some of the fundamental pillars. i cannot brag of a reviewer yet, i am quite new here, i simply couldnt help but strike my fingers on the keyboard to review this. this piece of yours lacks coherence and chronology. if it isny an abstract piece, i wonder what it really is. one cant write just for the sake of it.
nevertheless there is always a scope for improvement.
incorporate those things.
best of luck,
WBO




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Mon Aug 13, 2012 2:08 pm
ShakespeareWallah wrote a review...



Greetings,
first of all the reference to Hindu cows seemed rugged and cool. a lot of people don't know that in Hinduism cows are sacred and so people are forbidden to do them any harm and i liked the fact that you used this interesting piece of information in your work to emphasis the calmness of the projections in the poet's dream.

About the first stanza: the first three lines were beautiful but the last line, i don't know why, i just didn't understand. to where was the poet coming back?

the second stanza: short, simple, minimalist. liked it

the third stanza: the previous setting dissolved and this materialized. i like this form of experimentation; journeying through dream sequences and all ( it made me smile and reminded me of a book i read a few months earlier called "the unconsoled" by Kazuo Ishiguro.)

Fourth stanza: the repetition of the second. it showed that the poet is developing towards something.

fifth Stanza: New setting. the poet at the end questioned reality, which was cool seeing that its some sort of a dream and the atmosphere led into something like the Inception movie.

sixth stanza: again a repetition, showing that the poet is going through the same kind of discontinuity and not developing.

i liked the fact that you ended the poem there and produced an unfinished sort of vibe which looks great.

i liked this piece and i think its really good.

thanks
Puck, signing out




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Mon Aug 13, 2012 11:35 am
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mystogan wrote a review...



I don't knwo what to make of this. I don't get in the least. It literally feels like you wrote down what you dreamed. becuase everyone moves from one thing to the next, there is no connection. One minute you are in a park and the next you are meeting girls at a bus stop. also whats with the calm as hindu cows. I am hindu and i am very curious to know what hindu cows are, lol.
I still its nice how you wrote this. It really does feel like you woke up after a wierd dream and wrote down everything you remembered. It creates very nice effect. Its very different to the strictly composed poetry i am used to but that just means its unique so well done




567ajt says...


XD Thanks for your comment. The metaphor "calm as hindu cows" is a reference to the film Fight Club, which too has a feeling of chaos and anarchy. The dream is symbolic of me rejecting the idea of a utopia, i.e. a perfect world.




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