Young Writers Society

Hey there! Thought this piece was looking rather lonely ^^

Poor old Mosique; [Okay so Mosique= music in another language?]
she makes me want to trace pavements.
Maybe she would like to leave.
She wants to be a model, for a magazine. [Good, strong rhythm. Nice work so far.]
Ambitions high, time is sweet.
(There's my moment) I'm so weak.

"Give me the date",
Mosique would say.
(There's my moment)
Rive around in pain. [This line is very meh. It's too abstract to really feel any emotion and it feels strange in a song. It would be more fitting in a poem I suppose but I'm just not sure about these couple of lines here. I think they're too bare.]

Poor old Mosique;
she'd make me change the channel.
Maybe she would like to talk.
She wants to be a model, on a red cat walk. [Back to that lovely, strong rhythm. Compliments again and also some good words going on here. It's catchy.]
Ambition's high, pressure's on.
(There's my moment) Mosique makes skin crawl. [I don't like the break in rhythm here. These two lines rhymed in your last stanza and I'm a fan of consistency so I'd say you need to make them rhyme again, at least another half rhyme like before.]

Grace, John and Rem.
All in her head.
(There's my moment)
Ready to go. [Not sure I like this one either. There's not enough about them, rhythm or sense wise to hold my interest. Instead they break me away from the story you're building and just bring out my confusion.]

Poor old Mosique;
she makes me seem smaller than her. [This line feels a little off the beat. I think it's because your others have all ended on a noun, while this one ends on a pronoun and that just throws me a little. Maybe something like 'she makes me look like a little boy' or 'she thinks I'm just a boy']
Maybe she would like a man.
She's gonna be a model, it's her masterplan.
Ambitions high, time is sweet.
(There's my moment) I'm so weak. [Another strong verse.]

Alright so I'm not sure what to make of this. I like the verses but the little refrains bother me and it certainly is cryptic because I know I'm missing whatever the reference is. That wouldn't matter if you improved the ballance just a little between catchy tune/ strong image on the one side and reference/ outward story on the other. People like lyrics they can understand at least 70% of without having to go start researching but for yours, it's more like 50%.

Overall, it's probably not something that could play in a nightclub as it stands but it's close. If you could just strengthen those refrain parts or get a fun chorus going on, then I'd give you a big thumbs up. You might lose a little of the 'substance' to your way of thinking but it doesn't all have to go. Keep the same words/ meaning and just warp them into a fun rhythm, then it won't matter if they don't make sense to most people.

Well you know the drill, drop me a pm if you've got any questions and hopefully this is of some use to you,

Heather xxx