Young Writers Society

Hello hunny.
The title of this is your dig, much much more.
I can see that your "love" phase was exactly that. A phase.
Hmm, maybe you could go back to it at some point? But for now... I am concerned with this work.

Everyone has left the town.
It's just me here on my own.
I have the house to myself.
What bad things will happen?

Maybe fall and break my neck.
Scissors in your back.
Return with no smiles.
Your faces will swell up.

And maybe you will start to cry.
But that is only maybe.
Afterall, did you care?
You never made an effort.

People lie and they kill.
Kill with their own minds.
The endless strain on my mind.
As my blood starts to boil.

Hi, AJ!

I like how well you portrayed the voice here. There is definitely a serious sense of paranoia. And it definitely gave me the willies in some of those images. Well done in those respects!

I dunno how catchy of a song this may be, so I'm guessing it's either heavy in music or dependent on its message. The words and the way they're phrased just isn't interesting to the reader, though. There isn't any pattern or technique used, except four-line stanzas.

So I guess what I'm saying is to try a little more... creative in how you portray the message.

Speaking of message! I got multiple messages. I got a "danger, danger" message, a "watch your back," a "society sucks"... I'm kind of confused! lol. There isn't a clear-cut point to the piece that satisfies me as a reader once I've read it. It feels more like a monologue of words than a creatively-worded message.

It's not one of your best works, but I think it could also be shaped up rather quickly if you give it some attention. You know what it means better than I do right now, so just find a way to portray it better! Then the reader can understand what's being said.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Quite honestly, I was a little scared reading this. The thoughts mentioned here are not particularly ideal... Though, it's still good in the sense that it's emotional, and it makes me feel something when I read it. The title definitely catches your eye, and you follow through with the actual lullaby itself. The only thing that I do not particularly get is this line:

"Return with no smiles."

What's that supposed to mean? (I'm probably the only one who doesn't get it, but I'm going to ask publicly anyway) Overall, you did a wonderful job. May the Force be with you.

You can definately feel the emotion in this! Although it is short you can feel your expression! nice work buddy!

I simply love the last stanza. It really wraps the whole thing up and leaves the reader with a chilly feeling.

Anyways, just one thing, when you said, "return with no smiles," what did you mean? The whole song itself was fairly cryptic (except of course, the first stanza), but that line just confused me.

Anyways really good job.