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Observations Through Dented Glass

by MasterGrieves


I
Where is that fragrance,
that used to haunt me?
Dissolved in the air?
Maybe it's still there.
Give me that sweet sound,
which drives me near.
Perhaps it's still there,
and I can't see where.

But the truth backstabs.
And the truth just kills.
To know I'm alone,
so far from my home.
My house has transformed,
into a shroud of faith.
But as cars go by,
I lose sense of time.

Everyday's the same.
Progress and movement,
are concepts stillborn,
without schools of thought.
I failed my deadline.
No need to repair.
So this is real life:
a long distance wife.

A button that implodes,
and barricades light.
As I navigate,
the pressure breaks weight.
Collapse into now.
The fate in my hands.
I could end it all,
and just watch it fall.

II
You can't speak to me.
A stump for a tongue.
No more need to talk.
The song has been sung.

No need to protest.
I am always here.
No more resistance.
The blood flowing near.

You can shake my hand.
An agreement made.
Keep you fingers crossed,
that you will obey.

Or, maybe not yet.
You're maybe too upset.

III
Why won't you kill me?
My worth died a while ago.
Can't you just end it?

Maybe you need me.
I certainly need your hands.
I need to be choked.

Paranoid old me.
Just waiting for the backlash.
Like I always do.

This time it comes true.
This time I will surely die.
This time it comes true.

IV
Water tastes like wine.
Can't keep up with time.
The pulse beating fast.
How long will it last?
I hope my heart stops.
An end to all plots.
Exploding as dreams.
An end to our means.


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User avatar
530 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 530

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:12 pm
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Renard wrote a review...



So this is a more interesting work. XD

I will do the review in the parts of the poem. So: Part 1:

Where is that fragrance,
that used to haunt me? - interesting opening, glad it questions something
Dissolved in the air? - scientific sounding
Maybe it's still there. - doubt is interesting
Give me that sweet sound,
which drives me near. - near to what?
Perhaps it's still there,
and I can't see where. - confusion. In the reader and the character XD

But the truth backstabs. - nice line
And the truth just kills. - bit too hyperbolic. You made this point in the first line.
To know I'm alone, - sad
so far from my home. - very sad indeed
My house has transformed,
into a shroud of faith. - this seems more metaphorical than literal. Cool.
But as cars go by,
I lose sense of time. - nice, ambient, kinda cliche, but it works.

Everyday's the same. - ah ha: a groundhog day kinda feeling.
Progress and movement,
are concepts stillborn, - love those lines
without schools of thought.
I failed my deadline. - hmmm so this work is about failure.
No need to repair.
So this is real life:
a long distance wife.???? Based on real life? ;)

A button that implodes,
and barricades light. - you have a very poetic way with words in this piece. I like it, it's unusually flowing for you, with less repetition.
As I navigate,
the pressure breaks weight.
Collapse into now. - Yes, my opinion has been confirmed.
The fate in my hands.
I could end it all,
and just watch it fall.

THIS IS YOUR BEST WORK!

Out of all that I have ever read by you, this is it. It's truly beautiful. Very jealous of your words. Well done hunny.
I love you.

~L
xxxx




Renard says...


I only reviewed the first part because the rest would've just been too much of bum licky praise. XD haha



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25 Reviews

Points: 772
Reviews: 25

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Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:29 pm
Orinette wrote a review...



Really well done; it has a quick, springy rhythm to it that I really like, and your use of language is strong and lyrical.
At the same time I must say that the rhyming seemed kinda... off. As if you couldn't decide whether or not you actually wanted the poem to rhyme and just kept switching back and forth - and those rhymes that did make it in either sounded a bit forced or too loose to be truly called a rhyme. I think the poem sounded a lot better at the points where you weren't trying to rhyme anything - a lot more natural and poignant.
My favourite lines have to be

Paranoid old me.
Just waiting for the backlash.
Like I always do.


I feel like that stanza was really strong and telling.
Again, really well-written and a great poem!




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532 Reviews

Points: 1271
Reviews: 532

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Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:13 pm
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Just one word: MAGIC!

Wonderful, Twin!!





Despite everything, it's still you.
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