z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Noise

by MasterGrieves


This is a song
I wrote when I was bored
Nothing else to say
Just let me touch the door
Eating out suggestion
With very little care
Give me your wrist
So I don't have to despair

And where to go when people yell?
And who will talk to me as well?
Killing time with killing jokes
Get to grips with the croaks

People don't know
Exactly what I want
They think I'm aggresive
Coz I live in a swamp
And in this swamp
Is the homeplace of greed
Trust me, I wouldn't
Know where to go from here

And where to go when people yell?
And who will talk to me as well?
Killing time with killing jokes
Get to grips with the croaks

I made my bed
At the bottom of the lake
I made my bed
When my heart started to ache
And I fell asleep
And got turned inside out
I always sleep
In the hope I won't be found

And where to go when people yell?
And who will talk to me as well?
Killing time with killing jokes
Get to grips with the croaks

And where to go when people yell?
And who will talk to me as well?
Killing time with killing jokes
Get to grips with the croaks


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
530 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 530

Donate
Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:42 am
View Likes
Renard wrote a review...



This is a song
I wrote when I was bored
Nothing else to say
Just let me touch the door
Eating out suggestion
With very little care
Give me your wrist
So I don't have to despair


WhenI first started reading the work, I thought this was an author's note that you forgot to mark! XD Then I realised, it was just very good characterisation. And you've obviously moved on in your writing because you're not using punctuation anymore! XD

And where to go when people yell?
And who will talk to me as well?
Killing time with killing jokes
Get to grips with the croaks
but the rhetorical questions ar eback in. :D

People don't know
Exactly what I want
They think I'm aggresive
Coz I live in a swamp
And in this swamp
Is the homeplace of greed
Trust me, I wouldn't
Know where to go from here
This sounds like something about a war, very much so, especially with the references to anger and the "homeplace."


And where to go when people yell?
And who will talk to me as well?
Killing time with killing jokes
Get to grips with the croaks


I didn't understand all of the imagery here, but I feel like there is something dark behind your meaning. War and death intertwined with love, but I'm not sure what to make of it all. Just yet.

I made my bed
At the bottom of the lake
I made my bed
When my heart started to ache
And I fell asleep
And got turned inside out
I always sleep
In the hope I won't be found


The first line of the this stanza suggests some sort of control. And I feel this work is very controlled, with its regular stanzas and safe language. I think it needed to be more daring.

keep writing. :D




User avatar
43 Reviews

Points: 3541
Reviews: 43

Donate
Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:35 pm
DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



Hi there 567ajt,

OK first of all, I think I already told you that poetry/lyrics isn't really my thing. I don't have much experience with them, but I'll do my best to help and let you know what I think. Just take this review with a grain of salt I guess.

Secondly, I'm really sorry this is so late. I meant to get to it a lot sooner and I'm sorry it took so long.

OK so the first stanza/verse was fine I thought. I was just a little bit confused over 'give me your wrist'. I'm not sure if the word 'wrist' is needed as that's pretty specific all of a sudden. Perhaps 'take my hand' would be better? It is a little cliche, but not if you put it to some good music. :)

I thought the chorus was good too. Only thing I would suggest is eliminating or replacing the second 'And'. (The second line). I think it would sound better as just: 'Who will talk to me as well?'

I like the next part too, but I'm not sure about 'I wouldn't know where to go from here'. Didn't really stand out as a strong finish to the verse in my opinion (Which could be wrong). But I would have to hear it with the music to be sure.

The third verse was perfect. I read it over several times and I love it. It's my favorite part, very cool.

Now I don't know what kind song/style this is written for, but I would definitely think about having some sort of instrumental solo/break before the final repeats of the chorus. I think that would be cool, and make sure that the final chorus is the loudest and/or most intense of the four times it's sung.

Again this is just all my opinion and I really don't know all that much about this stuff, but I hope this helped, even if just a little bit.
-- DudeMcGuy





Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl