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Malice

by MasterGrieves


So, malice.
Where to start?
The very word,
is unsettling.

Yes, malice.
It's cruel sound.
It's known pleasure,
spawns rejection.

Oh, malice.
Go away.
It brings forth hate,
a manmade thing.

This malice.
It started,
when you were gone,
leaving me here.

Dear malice.
Bitter, cold.
I feel no love.
You ruined me.


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Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:15 pm
Via wrote a review...



567,

Although I did enjoy reading this, it took awhile for me to actually get to the enjoyable part! I think the biggest issue I had with it was really the first stanza. It seems like a jarring way to introduce a poem--more conversational, it seems, than the rest of the poem.

Also, watch the use of punctuation. There are a couple points in which a comma is used that don't work, and rather just jar the reader (S1L3, S2L3). It's okay not to have a comma there. I do think that punctuation is important to a poem, but not using it at certain points is just as important. Try reading the poem aloud and that will help you find the awkward moments.

In the 4th stanza I get a little confused, though. "It start, when you were gone, leaving me here." This makes it sound both like the person was always gone and the person was leaving--one or the other has to be chosen here.

The conclusion stanza wasn't bad, but I would replace the line "I feel no love" because it sounds too jokey for the rest of the poem. Like when people say sarcastically "Wow, I feel the love"...just too joking! Need something stronger.

Good luck!
V





I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25