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by MasterGrieves

So, malice.
Where to start?
The very word,
is unsettling.

Yes, malice.
It's cruel sound.
It's known pleasure,
spawns rejection.

Oh, malice.
Go away.
It brings forth hate,
a manmade thing.

This malice.
It started,
when you were gone,
leaving me here.

Dear malice.
Bitter, cold.
I feel no love.
You ruined me.

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694 Reviews

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Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:15 pm
Via wrote a review...


Although I did enjoy reading this, it took awhile for me to actually get to the enjoyable part! I think the biggest issue I had with it was really the first stanza. It seems like a jarring way to introduce a poem--more conversational, it seems, than the rest of the poem.

Also, watch the use of punctuation. There are a couple points in which a comma is used that don't work, and rather just jar the reader (S1L3, S2L3). It's okay not to have a comma there. I do think that punctuation is important to a poem, but not using it at certain points is just as important. Try reading the poem aloud and that will help you find the awkward moments.

In the 4th stanza I get a little confused, though. "It start, when you were gone, leaving me here." This makes it sound both like the person was always gone and the person was leaving--one or the other has to be chosen here.

The conclusion stanza wasn't bad, but I would replace the line "I feel no love" because it sounds too jokey for the rest of the poem. Like when people say sarcastically "Wow, I feel the love"...just too joking! Need something stronger.

Good luck!

I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear