Young Writers Society

Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.

You know what that means, time to review!

Nitpicks first...


- I know It's song lyrics, but I think punctuation is important even In this case.

The curtains open in full view

I had visions of her all the time

Shown in full view

I saw them in the cab and they mapped out all their plans

She never knew

And I saw them in the night when they mapped out all their plans

She never knew a thing

And perhaps that was for the best

Put down the most wondrous dog

With the most wondrous eyes

Old Yella was my wife

My wife tripped over the ledge

And broke her vows on the way down

Alright...

Like Hannah, I'm a little confused, but I think that I understand a little more than she did.

The speaker in this song was admiring a girl who got in with a guy who wasn't good for her. They guy she was with... raped her? Perhaps even tried to kill her but the speaker stepped in. The speaker killed the guy and killed her in a kind of mercy killing? The mercy killing is why I'm kind of leaning towards rape. At the end it kind of sounds like you're comparing Jenny to a dog which has all kinds of social implications. However, the end is also where I get confused, so I could be way off. However, dogs are loyal, so if Jenny is in fact the dog then with the Old Yeller reference you may be implying that she turned on the speaker like Old Yeller did to its owners when it got rabies. Rabies kills the dog, so Jenny died by doing something that broke promises she had made to the speaker.

...That almost makes sense. I'm kind of proud of myself.

I think the way to make this more understandable is to make the identity of your speaker clearer. Who is this person speaking?

I think with that puzzle piece everything else would fit into place easier.

This definitely made me think XD

I hope this helped in the slightest,
Megs~

Hi! This is Sunshine, of Team Plasma, here to review for you today!

The first thing I noticed was the title, and that's what really drew me to this piece. However, it seems a tad long for a song title. Song titles are usually shorter and catchier, more meaning shone through the song. (This might just be me. It's a good title, but lengthy. Can you imagine someone saying 'Jenny fell and it made for a beautiful betrayal' is my favorite song?')

Moving on.

The refrains here are great; they really make the song seem like a song. The thing is, I feel like too much faith is placed on them to make the song a song. The rest of the song seems poetic, but maybe a bit too much so. I couldn't really sing it to myself; I would just fall back into a poetic refrain and sing the chorus. I think the story-stanzas come off a bit wordy, and that wordiness makes it hard to imagine them in a song. The words aren't just falling off my lips, they come a little rough.

Unlike Hannah below me, I think the song makes good sense until the very end. Ends are so important in leaving the listener, in your case, with a certain vibe. I ended sort of confused. Why are we talking about a dog all of a sudden? Is the dog metaphorical for Jenny? The last two lines leave the haunting refrain like they're supposed to, but the dog part is just really distracting. With all the talk of people and events, carcass is a surprise, but throwing in 'dog' seems excessive.

Okay! Good luck in all your future endeavors! Hope this review was helpful for you today!

What.

I thought I had it figured it out.
The first time I read through, I thought this guy was just watching a girl in his neighborhood and then saw her with a guy that she never knew would kill her.
Then suddenly he's the one stuffing some body in his trunk, and so I was like, what, did he kill the guy who was going to get her? But then in the end suddenly you're like "my wife was a dog, and so she tripped and broke her vows (but more like her neck)", so then I feel like the speaker killed his wife.
THEN I tried reading the poem backward, and I was like "ohhh, he saw his wife go to the lounge with some other man so he got angry and killed her, ohh, I totally get it now", except then I get back to the first paragraph where he's watching someone through the window, and that couldn't possibly be his wife so what in the world is going on!?!?!?

D:

Since I don't know what the story is, I feel like I missed out on the whole point of listening. So obviously my suggestion would be to try to clear up what the plot actually is.

I also wonder what this sounds like with music, and even though some of the phrasing is awkward, I can't necessarily critique it because it might sound fine when put to a melody. Is there any way you could like record your version of this song so I can give my opinion as to whether, for example, "a platform for your temptation" is too stuffy for the song or whether it fits in?

Haha, I hope some of these thoughts turn out to be helpful for you!

PM me or reply to the review with any questions/comments you have!

And please keep writing~ Good luck!

This review courtesy of

Royal Highness has arrived to review!
So this is really haunting and beautifully done, so let me get started on this very short and complimentary review!

No nitpicks! The repetition got a little much, but I understand it's a song and that's the new style of music now, so it probably sounds better than it looks!
One note on the repetition: Before the second refrain, do you think you could add another verse that's different? Because you only have the one and it's quite short and I just think if you added just one more little stanza, it might break up the monotony a little.
That being said, I get that there was a story you're trying to tell here, but I don't think I quite got it until the very very very very end, at the very last two sentences. I don't know whether I like that or not... But, hey, kudos to those last two lines cause they punched me square in the face and it was awesome.

So overall, this was pretty good... A little repetitive and I think you could flesh out the story a little more but overall pretty good. I'll give your lyrical prose thingy seven stars out of ten. Great job!