Fit

This isn't a condition
This is more like a curse
Strobe lights that persist
Voices that scream
A light that sends me away

Those images that swirl
Particular visions of hell
A particular smell catches my eye
The picture falls to the floor
And my muscles start to die

My head continues to throb
With unstoppable pain
My thoughts spiral down
What is your name?
What is wrong with me?

My arms going in all directions
I will forget this ever happening
And relive the whole experience
All over again without knowing
How to manage my body

This isn't just a fit
It is an internal exorcism
The doctors call it 'grand mal'
I call it an endless battle
A war without words

It only takes another fit
Before my heart stops
Therapy is not the cure
The only cure is to pray
That the next time isn't tomorrow

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Points: 3682
Reviews: 66

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Thu Oct 27, 2011 4:55 pm

CelticaNoir wrote a review...

Hmm...I liked it. The imagery at the beginning reminds me of a spaceship, though, actually. Wonder if you were going for that? I'm not gonna lecture you on flow and rhythm, but hm. Maybe be a little more specific in your imagery? Like...

Particular visions of hell

Makes me wonder exactly what the visions are, like a singular image or impression. And so on. I'm just a bit of a stickler for descriptions sometimes. xD All in all it's good, though. Keep up the good work!

Points: 4801
Reviews: 58

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Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:32 pm

reason wrote a review...

I can appreciate the description, enlightening me on what an episode must be like. You see, I have no experience with epilepsy and those who suffer from it. Thus, I was a bit in the dark. I found these two lines particularly poignant:

I will forget this ever happening
And relive the whole experience

What's her name suffers from this condition; she couldn't remember much of what happened before, during, and after. It's pretty intense that way.

This line irked me.

A particular smell catches my eye

I can see how a particular smell can catch one's attention, but eye? Those are two senses that don't mix well. Unless you're Terezi from Homestuck, but she's blind and can taste/smell colors. I digress.

I would've liked to see you elaborate a bit more on the loss of control. What is it that the speaker experiences? Is it panic, anxiety, or have they given up and have become resigned to their fate? Do they watch, beside themselves, detached -desensitized- with a minor dose of fascination with the biology and neurology of their body? Or rather more delve into a pit of helplessness drowning -overwhelmed by all the stimulation while lacking control?

I suppose this is a case in which less is more -cut down on the metaphors, focus on the ones you keep, and develop them further more. These are mere suggestions. I am no poet, but that's my take on it.

Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

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Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:35 pm

Lumi wrote a review...

Good afternoon, AJ.

At the moment, what you have in this poem is a mess of assumed realities of epilepsy sprinkled with unprepared metaphors and phrases that don’t hold up to the depth they require. So, for my first remark, know that I’m not a fan of this piece. That said, let’s start chewing.

Read this aloud:

This isn’t a condition
This is more like a curse
Strobe lights that persist
Voices that scream
A light that sends me away

Do you get any sense of flow whatsoever from this stanza? Your words aren’t carefully strewn together; your ideas and images whip from one world to another. These aren’t good lines, particularly not with which to open you poem. So first off, I’m going to throw down the gloves and tell you to take this into a word document and make your words actually have a flow. That doesn’t mean a set rhythm, but there has to be some smoothness to the text so that it doesn’t just fall over itself as it’s doing now.

Point two brings me to the vagueness and hollowness of your imagery. Yes, you have words spun together to make images that may sound alright to begin with, but if you actually think about what you’re saying, I think you’ll be fairly disappointed. For example, “Those images that swirl”—okay. What images, and why do they swirl? How does that make me feel what epilepsy, or even metaphorical epilepsy, is about? Swirling, as I see it, belongs in descriptions of panic attacks, descriptions of depression. Epilepsy consists of quick jerks, uncontrollable movements that hurt with each inch. And you have failed to give that to me.

“And my muscles start to die”—annoys me like there’s no tomorrow. At this point in the poem, I wondered if you were aware of anything you were writing at all. So I’m going to drop on you a huge piece of advice that comes in one quotable phrase:

Write intentionally.

You don’t deliver any aspect of an emotional connection to the narrator. It jerks from vague imagery to boring details to questions that don’t connect to more descriptions that don’t hit and end up in a religious car wreck in the final stanza.

But right. Write intentionally.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi

Points: 8572
Reviews: 424

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Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:38 pm

Demoness wrote a review...

Non-Rival!

I don't know what that Mental Institution did to you but I it's clear your writing-skills has increased these past months.

This was brilliant! I loved it!

For one this was really emotionally strong, it was heart-felt and aah, sad and beautiful and well... it was a little like an horror-story in a way, it was thrilling and, well, simply amazing!

I love that you know how to structure a poem too, this is the way I prefer reading them and well, you know how I feel about punctuation and I know you don't agree so no need even mentioning it - even though I guess I technically just did that. Anywhoos - This was really a wonderful piece, great imagery - but that you always have... but you also created a great flow and rythm and there was a red thread to follow throughout the whole piece and I never lost focus. Very good. Like the previous review said, this clearly has a realistic touch to it!

This isn't just a fit
It is an internal exorcism
The doctors call it 'grand mal'
I call it an endless battle
A war without words

- This stanza was my favorite, it's really powerful and I love the last line!

5/5 icky, sticky spiders to you! You're an amazing poet and your poetry is just the kind I love reading!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Points: 1464
Reviews: 21

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Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:12 pm

limegreenleopard wrote a review...

..............................
Wow!
That was brillaint! I loved...everything but esepcially...
Feeling: You really made me feel something with this piece. There was real emotion and power, and if anyone isn't moved by this they don't have a heart. Thumbs up .
Realistic: I felt like it was happening before my eyes, The way you described everything made me shiver, it was that close to being like an actual event in front of my eyes.

I'm just...speechless. Never EVER have I read a poem with such feeling, and one that gave me such an inner sense of sadness. It really moved me. Congratulations, a FANTASTIC piece of work.

I'm still shellshocked at how beautiful yet how horriblly real it was.
.....
I love it.

Keep Writing!
~Leopard

Points: 1890
Reviews: 13

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Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:58 pm

poweroflove wrote a review...

This is powerful... So powerful. Wow.

I knew someone who suffered with epilepsy and I wish there was a cure. I wish no one had to suffer this disease.

I'm not trying to be sympathetic or empathetic, but I wish you the very best and I hope they find a cure soon. =]

Much love,

pol;

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