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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Dead Limp

by MasterGrieves


My lips quiver,
To the sound of coercion,
And I need not know anymore than that,
But what would be another version
And why does it make me shiver?

A deep recess of my psyche
Where it all began.
The nurse on the stairs,
I am her number one fan.
Her cheeks as red as flares,
Her stance resembling a noble man,
Who must depart on her bike.

The cogs in my mind are broken,
I am a vegetable according to today's youth.
I needn't ask for a better token
Of good will, than allowing me to use the phone booth.
I want my mummy for love and devotion,
Something she rejected knowing I was a boy.

So I fry my mind in droves,
And in succession I collapse.
No turning back, no relapse.
A permanent state of misery
Coupled with high times,
This glory; so wondrous and rare to me,
That I'm afraid there's no turning back.

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159 Reviews

Points: 2117
Reviews: 159

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:26 pm
Skydreamer wrote a review...



Okay first of all I'd like to say that normally I really like your poetry.

And I think this (work) is a good example of why I like your poetry, I'm going to point out what I thought you did well and why and maybe comment on somethings that I didn't get or felt could be changed. I'll go stanza by stanza.

First Stanza

I like how you started it. It was interesting and it captures someone's mind from the get go. It let's the reader know the basis of this person's looming insanity.

But what would be another version


I'm not sure what you mean by another version? Another version of coercion? Is the person thinking of different ways people could force them to do things and thus freaking out about it? It's just something that I found interesting. Great start though.

Second

A deep recess of my psyche
Where it all began.


No problem with not having punctuation but because you have had punctuation with the rest of the poem, I'd suggest adding a comma. (I realize this might have already been mentioned. xP But I'm not reading previous reviews)

Who must depart on her bike.


I found this part interesting, and a little strange. I'm not sure what this is suppose to symbolise, but I took it as it's literal meaning, and I found it was quite fascinating, it was like this patient (liking the nurse) knew about how the nurse transported each day. I'm just curious of it's significance.

Third

The cogs in my mind are broken,
I am a vegetable according to today's youth.


I found this to be really awesome. I just like this, I think the description was great and that it made a lot of sense.

I want my mummy for love and devotion,
Something she rejected knowing I was a boy.


This both made me want to laugh and cry. I found this funny and yet deep and serious. I love how this has been a story. I personally think that poetry is telling a story, the best part of poetry is telling a story, and I feel like you've done an amazing job at that in this piece.

Fourth

This glory; so wondrous and rare to me,
That I'm afraid there's no turning back.


I found it interesting how you decided to make it kind of a triumph for this person. After all they've been through in their life this is their victory, this rare state of insanity they now hold. A very interesting and powerful story you have here Adam. I like it.

It's a little hard to take in, but it was written brilliantly. So yeah. Why I like your poetry.
You tell stories.

Alrighty have a good birthday and keep writing!! xD

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Thu Jul 10, 2014 1:07 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here again for another dip into your poetry. What a nice way to get to know you. :)


So I have to say I like much more the tone of this poem. I love that it never comes out and says just what it's about, because I feel like that's a much more genuine way to get into the topic and get to know the subject. If we label the person, they then become a category of people instead of an individual, and we lose sight of their specific experience, you know. We kind of assume we know what it's like in the stereotypical mental hospital experience, but that often leaves our thoughts shallow.

I like that you move through small moments in this character's mind: seeing a nurse on the stairs, using the phone booth, the shock therapy (?), but not in labeled terms, just in accepted reality.

One thing I don't like so much is how the rhyme that you try to keep to kind of cheapens the tone of the poem for me. There's not as much forced rhyme here. The most noticeable is the very out-of-place "I'm her number one fan". Why do you insist on rhyming? What do you think it accomplishes in a poem? These are not rhetorical questions but real questions for you to think about and consider as you continue working on your poetry. :)

I would suggest, again seeing what a different version of this poem would look like without rhyme. Would it, for example, not mention "today's youth" (what a stuck up phrase!), but instead mention people in a broader way? Would it explain this person's relationship to the nurse in a more genuine, specific way?

Again, I hope these thoughts are helpful for you~
PM or reply with questions/comments, yeah?!
Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:54 am
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



You wrote "lips putter" you mean pucker XD And I got you to change it so you didn't look silly. :P
XD

Now for the review :)

So stanza 1 is quite simple an introduction:

And why does it make me shiver?
I like that, because the rhetorical question leaves it open to explanation. :)

Stanza 2 is about the character's adoration for this nurse:

The nurse on the stairs,
I am her number one fan.


Why though? This seems a little bit weird in the narrative at this stage.

Stanza 3

Of good will, than allowing me to use the phone booth.
I want my mummy for love and devotion,


So this kid has parental issues and the parent didn't want a boy. And the mention of him being a vegetable obviously makes his mentally handicapped or whatever. So this is about being screwed over by a parent. Cheerful.

Stanza 4

A permanent state of misery
Coupled with high times,


I feel sorry for this kid. But at the same time, he is whiney git. Ah well. I suppose, there weren't many lines in here that evoked my sympathy for him. Or I am just heartless.
Well done anyway hunny. Keep writing. Love you ♥





Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily