Young Writers Society

Oooh. This is some typical stuff of yours. Very gritty and shouty.

I see Big Ben- a typical building
Just plain and uneventful
Apart from the fact it's all shiny
Most buildings have nothing to hide
I'm still bewildered
I'm still bewildered
I need an enhalor
I need an enhalor

Marvel or rubbish?
Why should I care? Why should I care?
All these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same
And so all these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same

Hi there!

I see Big Ben- a typical building
Just plain and uneventful
Apart from the fact it's all shiny *this line sounds really cheesy to me. Is there another way you could describe how different it is besides saying it's 'all shiny'?
Most buildings have nothing to hide
I'm still bewildered
I'm still bewildered
I need an enhalor
I need an enhalor
This first stanza is alright. It doesn't really grab my attention or anything. I want to see more colorful language. Dig deeper into the feelings the speaker gets when seeing this building. Does it interest them? Or is it just another building? I'm guessing the speaker is interested in buildings because they're talking about how most buildings have nothing to hide and they wouldn't know that if they weren't interested.

Marvel or rubbish?
Why should I care? Why should I care? [color=red]I like the repetition here. It enforces the fact that the speaker is wondering why they care.
All these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same
And so all these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same You pretty much repeated what you just said here. Maybe go back and change this last line or simply repeat the two lines before it. Make sense? I'm kind of confusing myself here. I hope I'm not confusing you...

Get to New York-Empire State Make sure to keep this the same as your first stanza. You started that one off by just saying 'Big Ben'. Do the same here.
Full of darkness and hip clothing
Oh my god(!) A polluted river(!)
I've never seen those things before(!) Just curious, but why did you put the exclamation points in parenthesis? I think you should just leave them regular.
I'm still bewildered
I'm still bewildered
I need an enhalor
I need an enhalor
Again, I really like the repetition. It gives me the impression that maybe this person isn't all there. You know what I mean? I'm not saying the speaker is crazy, but maybe they are slightly?

Marvel or rubbish?
Why should I care? Why should I care?
All these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same
And so all these buildings Like I said before, I think you should repeat 'All these buildings' here. It works better than saying 'And so all these buildings'. It flows better, you know?
All these buildings are the exact same

I'm still bewildered
I'm still bewildered
I need an enhalor
I need an enhalor

Marvel or rubbish?
Why should I care? Why should I care?
All these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same
And so all these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same
Did you mean to repeat these two stanzas? I don't think it works well like that since you didn't repeat any other stanzas.

I nearly forgot Texas- oh I nearly forgot Texas
Home of ranches and eccentric businessmen
People kill time there by listening to music
What good is music? What good is music?
I'm still bewildered
I'm still bewildered
I need an enhalor
I need an enhalor

Marvel or rubbish?
Why should I care? Why should I care?
All these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same
And so all these buildings
All these buildings are the exact same