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Young Writers Society

A Certain Devotion.

by MasterGrieves

I'm a happy death man
A doomed man in love
Fate stares me in the face
Yet I am smiling
Smiling into pitch black
The emptiest gaze
No fear is apparent
With the girl smiling

I imagine her voice
Soft with compassion
Not one to patronise
She just wants to know
But like an old forest
Full of dying leaves
There is retrospection
And time to reflect

The temptation to fade out
Such an addiction of mine

But she ropes me back in
With observations
And complex rhetoric
Layered in mirrors
And in repetition
An angel slaughtered
By our ambitious thoughts
To crush this brainwash

Yet we remain idle
Like spoilt parades
Like deadlines never met
Like white tears of faith
This same girl always comes
Together we talk
When the others find out
There'd be nothing left

The temptation to fade out
Such an addiction of mine

A throttle stabbing wound
Aimed out my conscience
Leads me blindly astray
And as I show love
I think I'm not worthy
Even with her trust
Being engulfed by loves
Which ended time ago

All the others dance
We can't even kiss
Such a grey day outside
Perfect for blankness
But I remain in love
And she may save me
But in just two years
I may be too late

The temptation to fade out
Such an addiction of mine

Is this a review?



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65 Reviews

Points: 248
Reviews: 65

Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:23 am
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dasiamari wrote a review...

I really liked this. I love the way you started this 'I am a happy death man'
You can really see the emotion in this. I wish I could hear this with music. I have no nitpicks. It was well written and full of emotion. Also not cliche, though none of your pieces seem to be lol. So what's there to nitpick? I really liked this song, the best I've read today

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1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:46 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...

Hi, AJ! Back again! :D

I like how you started the song. I actually really liked that first stanza. You have a good habit of starting songs out well! xD I wish I could do that. Hooks are hard.

I don't have any nitpicks, actually. I felt like the whole thing was choppy and not very smooth. Maybe it sounds better with the music? It didn't help that there was no punctuation to help me read it, so that could be a factor as well. Therefore, this review is probably not going to be of much use. (Grammar is such a good habit to get into.)

I was confused as to how the song led up to the last stanza. I don't get the two years thing. I thought the relationship was kinda back and forth since the speaker was doubting himself. I'm not sure. There's more to this story than the speaker's letting us know.

The temptation to fade out
Such an addiction of mine

Why is he tempted to fade away all the time? Again, there's more to this story that the listener isn't getting. More hints regarding would be helpful. Otherwise, I don't get it.

It's on its way though and looking very good. Look forward to reading more!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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Points: 740
Reviews: 12

Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:58 am
Murmurations wrote a review...

The beginning made me feel what you were saying. It was very clear and throughout the poem I didn't feel like it was forced in any way. I got a bit confused around the end because it seems like it took a bad turn. Maybe you could have elaborated a bit more on that. I could be wrong though.

On second thought, before submitting this comment I went back over the poem and it was much clearer. I can clearly feel the emotions expressed and I can empathize. Great job!

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Points: 765
Reviews: 1

Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:29 pm
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CStar says...

Wow! You can feel all the emotion! It would sound awesome with music to it! :)

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