Hey, Saen! Sorry that I've got a bit behind on this. I thought I'd drop in and set towards catching up again.
Small Comments
It vibrated in the air with the gasps she and Aspen simultaneously let out when they saw the beautiful array before them.
I'd rather you just got straight into describing this beautiful array rather than saying that there is one. This seems to be a bit of a habit of yours - you almost signal that the description is coming, even though that's rarely necessary. It's like when people say 'their eyes widened at the sight before them' rather than just...describing the sight. This may just be a pet peeve of mine, though.
the white perfectly matching the pair of beautifulwhitewings that unfurled from his back.
Because you say they match, I don't think you need to specify that the wings are white.
He had yet to notice the other two present in the room; Cass guessed they were too far away for him to see them through the bowl's water.
I wasn't sure what you meant here. Is Nebris looking up through the surface of the water like a window? But then how can Cass see him to describe him? I don't have the best picture of where Nebris is relative to Cass.
Nebris slowly raised his head back up. “What do you need my guidance on?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject.
We know he's changing the subject. No need to state the obvious.
Cass instinctively grabbed onto her locket and began tonervouslyfiddle with it.
We know that this is a nervous gesture by now.
Cass could tell that she was on the verge of saying an angry retort – in her best friend's eyes, Nebris was just another Prince Rodet. She could see him like that too; he was another powerful person who thought the worst of her before even getting to know her.
This seems pretty premature. Nebris hasn't said anything particularly accusatory at this point, only lost his smile and drawn attention to the golden locket. It's not exactly a warm greeting, but he's hardly on Rodet's level of nastiness, and they don't have any evidence that he thinks the worst of Cass.
Overall Thoughts
Cass spoke up for herself! Yes! She did it shakily, but it's a step in the right direction. I can't wait to see her confidence grow further. Once you've held your own in a discussion with a god, everything's bound to feel a little easier. In theory, anyway.
On the subject of Nebris, I agree with Blue that he doesn't feel that godly, which bothers me a little. I don't think he should necessarily be holy and all-powerful and solemn, because that's quite a cliché, but I also feel like he shouldn't feel so human. Things like the blushing made me pause, because why would a god be able to blush? What purpose does that even serve for a being like that? I don't know. I love a god-and-mortal relationship as much as the next person, so I am intrigued by Nebris and Lira's dynamic, but just be wary not to fall into the trap of humanising Nebris too much. Keep in mind all the distinctions between their species and write their behaviour accordingly.
Regarding my opinions on Nebris's character as it stands, though, I feel like he's quite cute, and I love that people in this universe can have a really close relationship with their gods. I'd love to know more about the history he and Lira share and what it is about her that he finds so engaging. I can understand what the mortals see in gods, but more interesting to me is what gods see in mortals.
As a final point, I do agree with Blue that Cass's thoughts rambled on for a bit too long towards the end of the chapter. That's one of the more pressing problems with the story as a whole for me - the characters spend way too long thinking and explaining about the decisions they're about to make, rather than just making them. It's not a bad thing to focus on internal thoughts, but reign it in a bit, because it slows your writing down. I feel like much more could've happened in this chapter if you'd been a bit more economical with your words. But hey, that's what redrafting is for.
I'll try and get to the next bit as soon as I can! I've read all but the latest instalment, it's just difficult finding the time and motivation to review.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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