z

Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 8.2]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: My original intention for this chapter was to include the full conversation between Nebris, Lira, Cass and Aspen, but I've been struggling to write it and I just wanted to get my lms submission done for this week. I'm going to try getting the next chapter up much faster and with far more content in the actual chapter, so hopefully this will hold you over until then. <3

Words: 1,274

Last Line(s): “Nebris?” Aspen asked.

“My god,” Lira softly answered. She kept her gaze on an open door further down the hallway. Cass couldn't see her face, but the tone of voice was enough to know that the very thought of this god made Lira happy. “It's been more than a year since we last met, but he always responds to my prayers. He'll understand what's going on and give me the guidance I need.”

Cass had never truly been religious. She had gone to the local church with her parents when she was younger, but she had never felt what they did when she was sitting in the pews. The sermons were just words – words that a little kid had no patience for listening to. Even when she tried to attend another sermon with Aspen years later, she couldn't find what Aspen did in religion.

It wasn't because of cynicism. She didn't blame a higher power for making her invisible in the eyes of her classmates, and didn't hate God for waiting so long to give her a friend. She couldn't quite explain why she felt the way she did, just like she knew Aspen couldn't fully explain why she found comfort in religion.

But as they entered the room at the end of the hallway, Cass felt like she finally knew what most people felt like when they sat in pews or knelt in prayer. Magic clung to every inch of the room. She could feel it pressing up against her skin as Lira led them to the altar in the very center of the room. It vibrated in the air with the gasps she and Aspen simultaneously let out when they saw the beautiful array before them. Gems of every color of the rainbow were arranged on the wooden surface, glowing in the darkness. She could smell the magic in the herbs that were illuminated by the crystals; their leaves were all gentle warm colors – soft shades of red, yellow and orange, with a bit of brown interspersed between.

All of these were displayed around a simple clay bowl in the very center of the altar. Cass and Aspen hesitantly followed Lira up to the altar. As she approached, water began to leave her fingertips and flow into the bowl. It continued to fill until it had reached the rim. When it could be filled no more without overflowing, the gems began to glow around it.

Lira took a deep breath.

Cass found herself taking one as well.

“Nebris?” Lira called out, her voice hesitant. “I...I need your guidance.” 

The surface of the water rippled, glowing in synchronicity with the crystals surrounding it. Cass watched in awe as light began to spill over the sides of clay bowl. Little strands broke free from the moving mass, darting into each of the crystals. Once the main light finally reached the ring of crystals, they began to go up instead of outwards. An impromptu wall was formed – the gems and herbs served as posts, and the light as the wall itself.

The water cleared.

An otherworldly boy stared back at them. Piercing violet eyes peered out from a face framed by long golden locks of hair. He was dressed in white and gold, the white perfectly matching the pair of beautiful white wings that unfurled from his back. And while the wings were certainly a shocking thing to see, it was the way his skin seemed to be glowing with a gentle, warm light that made Cass's heart skip a beat.

It was just like with Lira's painting. Hadn't this boy been standing at the front of all the gods she had on her wall, smiling the largest out of every single one of them? Lira hadn't just been painting something to show her love for the gods that watched over her world – she had been showing her love for the boy right in front of them.

“You haven't needed my guidance for awhile,” Nebris said, giving Lira a warm smile. He had yet to notice the other two present in the room; Cass guessed they were too far away for him to see them through the bowl's water.

Lira's lips parted to reveal a large smile, eyes twinkling with joy and crinkling at the edges. Small strands of water began to form at her feet, only reaching up for a few inches before falling back to the ground and disappearing in quiet splashes. “I can usually guess what you'll tell me,” she confessed, tucking a strand of light brown hair behind one ear.

“Am I really that predictable?” Nebris asked, ducking his head down to hide his face. Was it just her imagination, or had his glowing cheeks taken on a red tinge?

“No,” Lira answered. “I just know my god well.”

Nebris slowly raised his head back up. “What do you need my guidance on?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject. “If you can predict what I'll say and don't need my help on what we usually talk about, then it must not be about Prince Rodet or the mayor.” 

Lira looked back at Cass and Aspen. She gestured for both of them to step towards the altar. Cass hesitantly started to take a step forward, but glanced over at Aspen before she finished putting her foot down. Aspen met her gaze. Giving her a reassuring smile, she offered her hand.

Cass eagerly took it.

The two walked up to where Lira was standing.

The smile died on Nebris's lips when he saw the two approach. Cass instinctively grabbed onto her locket and began to nervously fiddle with it. “They're from another world-” Lira started to say, but Nebris cut her off before she could finish speaking.

“She has the other golden locket,” he said.

Lira mutely nodded. 

Aspen's grip on her hand tightened. Cass could tell that she was on the verge of saying an angry retort – in her best friend's eyes, Nebris was just another Prince Rodet. She could see him like that too; he was another powerful person who thought the worst of her before even getting to know her. And while she normally would have decided that meekly staying silent was the best approach to dealing with conflict, exhaustion made her want to address it.She took a deep breath, the hand holding Aspen's shaking at the thought of angering a god.

“My name is Cassandra Hughes,” she quietly said. “And I...I do have the golden locket, but not because I support King Kartiel. It's because...It's because...” 

Aldonius had told her not to reveal that she was someone's contracted. She had told Aspen because Aspen was her best friend. They had to trust each other, and how could Aspen possibly trust her if she wasn't being honest? And they were going to tell Lira, too, but Lira just like them. She needed to know about contracts and contracted; it would be wrong to leave her in the dark.

Nebris was a god. I Aldonius had been right in what he had implied, her contracted was likely a fallen. The gods and fallen were like the angels and demons of Earth. Even if she wasn't religious, she knew that angels and demons could never get along. What would happen if Nebris realized that her contracted was a fallen? 

But what if she was worrying for nothing, and her contracted was a god? Nebris could know who they were. Her heart skipped a beat at the thought. Aldonius might have remained cryptic, but Nebris could give her the answers that she needed. And even if he didn't know who her contracted was, he would know about contracts in general.

“It's because my contracted felt that the locket was important,” Cass admitted. She raised her head and looked right into Nebris's violet eyes. She felt like she had seen them somewhere before, but she couldn't remember where. 

Nebris stared at her. “You have a contracted?”

Cass took another deep breath.

“Yes,” she confirmed, her voice shaking. “I do.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:16 pm
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Saen! Sorry that I've got a bit behind on this. I thought I'd drop in and set towards catching up again.

Small Comments

It vibrated in the air with the gasps she and Aspen simultaneously let out when they saw the beautiful array before them.


I'd rather you just got straight into describing this beautiful array rather than saying that there is one. This seems to be a bit of a habit of yours - you almost signal that the description is coming, even though that's rarely necessary. It's like when people say 'their eyes widened at the sight before them' rather than just...describing the sight. This may just be a pet peeve of mine, though.

the white perfectly matching the pair of beautiful white wings that unfurled from his back.


Because you say they match, I don't think you need to specify that the wings are white.

He had yet to notice the other two present in the room; Cass guessed they were too far away for him to see them through the bowl's water.


I wasn't sure what you meant here. Is Nebris looking up through the surface of the water like a window? But then how can Cass see him to describe him? I don't have the best picture of where Nebris is relative to Cass.

Nebris slowly raised his head back up. “What do you need my guidance on?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject.


We know he's changing the subject. No need to state the obvious.

Cass instinctively grabbed onto her locket and began to nervously fiddle with it.


We know that this is a nervous gesture by now.

Cass could tell that she was on the verge of saying an angry retort – in her best friend's eyes, Nebris was just another Prince Rodet. She could see him like that too; he was another powerful person who thought the worst of her before even getting to know her.


This seems pretty premature. Nebris hasn't said anything particularly accusatory at this point, only lost his smile and drawn attention to the golden locket. It's not exactly a warm greeting, but he's hardly on Rodet's level of nastiness, and they don't have any evidence that he thinks the worst of Cass.

Overall Thoughts

Cass spoke up for herself! Yes! She did it shakily, but it's a step in the right direction. I can't wait to see her confidence grow further. Once you've held your own in a discussion with a god, everything's bound to feel a little easier. In theory, anyway.

On the subject of Nebris, I agree with Blue that he doesn't feel that godly, which bothers me a little. I don't think he should necessarily be holy and all-powerful and solemn, because that's quite a cliché, but I also feel like he shouldn't feel so human. Things like the blushing made me pause, because why would a god be able to blush? What purpose does that even serve for a being like that? I don't know. I love a god-and-mortal relationship as much as the next person, so I am intrigued by Nebris and Lira's dynamic, but just be wary not to fall into the trap of humanising Nebris too much. Keep in mind all the distinctions between their species and write their behaviour accordingly.

Regarding my opinions on Nebris's character as it stands, though, I feel like he's quite cute, and I love that people in this universe can have a really close relationship with their gods. I'd love to know more about the history he and Lira share and what it is about her that he finds so engaging. I can understand what the mortals see in gods, but more interesting to me is what gods see in mortals.

As a final point, I do agree with Blue that Cass's thoughts rambled on for a bit too long towards the end of the chapter. That's one of the more pressing problems with the story as a whole for me - the characters spend way too long thinking and explaining about the decisions they're about to make, rather than just making them. It's not a bad thing to focus on internal thoughts, but reign it in a bit, because it slows your writing down. I feel like much more could've happened in this chapter if you'd been a bit more economical with your words. But hey, that's what redrafting is for.

I'll try and get to the next bit as soon as I can! I've read all but the latest instalment, it's just difficult finding the time and motivation to review.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Sun Nov 18, 2018 2:25 am
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



“Am I really that predictable?” Nebris asked, ducking his head down to hide his face. Was it just her imagination, or had his glowing cheeks taken on a red tinge?

“No,” Lira answered. “I just know my god well.”


why do I ship literally everyone in this story like especially this when we're all well aware that god + mortal never works out.

Also in Greek mythology god + mortal ALWAYS ends with a baby, so make of that what you will.

ANYWAY.

I was hoping we'd actually get to meet a god through Lira's prayers, and here he is! He's surprisingly human - even the fact that he didn't realize that Cass and Aspen were there until he moved to where he could physically see them from the bowl of water. Plus the apparent possibly-a-crush on Lira??? Which I am 1000% a sucker for. Obviously he was immediately like "OH NO THE LOCKET" but I appreciate that his reaction was somewhat understated rather than to immediately flipping out. I mean, hopefully since he's a god he would be a little less quick to judge than humans BUT THEN AGAIN Zeus.

I'm glad Cass finally took the lead! I think it can definitely take a bad experience for someone who isn't up to speaking for themselves to finally do it, and she's got enough now to legit be tired of people jumping to conclusions about her - especially since she's not used to people greeting her with venom. However, I felt like her thoughts between "because" and mentioning her contracted took too long and made for sort of an awkward break between these two related bits of dialogue. I think it's okay to let us know what she's afraid of (although that could also be because this is LMS and it was weeks ago that I read about the contracted likely being a fallen), but I wanted the main points to be gone through faster, maybe in one paragraph instead of three or four.




Mageheart says...


Thanks for the review!

He's surprisingly human - even the fact that he didn't realize that Cass and Aspen were there until he moved to where he could physically see them from the bowl of water. Plus the apparent possibly-a-crush on Lira??? Which I am 1000% a sucker for.


I admit my initial plan for Nebris's introduction was to have him being all Vague and Mysterious%u2122, but Nebris definitely sucks at being Vague and Mysterious%u2122, especially around Lira, so I decided to completely throw that plan out the window and instead have him be as dorky as I possibly could. It seems like that ended up being the better decision. :P

And you're completely right on that crush.

I mean, hopefully since he's a god he would be a little less quick to judge than humans BUT THEN AGAIN Zeus.


I love how you're already referencing Greek mythology and I haven't even revealed the Dark Mage's name yet in the story. :P

I think it's okay to let us know what she's afraid of (although that could also be because this is LMS and it was weeks ago that I read about the contracted likely being a fallen), but I wanted the main points to be gone through faster, maybe in one paragraph instead of three or four.


Something tells me that part of the reason I've been doing all of the over-explaining in the recent chapters is because lms is taking place over such a long period of time - I keep feeling like I need to readjust to the characters. I'm going to try avoiding that in future chapters and edit those parts out before posting if they do manage to slip in, but thanks for letting me know!



BluesClues says...


Np! LMS results in some odd problems like that. Then again, I'm p sure I way overexplained in the latest Kiernan chapter, yet I'm not doing LMS now....




Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus