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Young Writers Society



Kartiel's Curse [Chapter 18.1]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: This chapter was a bit of writing roller coaster. It was incredibly hard to continue writing after what I ended the last chapter with, and it wasn't until I was halfway through this one that I finally got into the writing groove. I don't know how good the writing quality is in this chapter - my guess is not that good, since that seems to be the trend for the last updates - but I promise the conversation that follows in next week's update will make up for the slow pacing.

Words: 1,475

Last Line(s): “I...I wanted to know if you could tell me more about Ikach,” he asked.

Now it was Kartiel who grew tense—Cass felt just as uneasy at the mention of his name. “Why?”

“Because I…” He took a deep breath. “I like his daughter.”

Chapter 18

Orpheus loved Lira.

That was something that Kartiel knew, and something that Cass should have known. As she laid in her bed and stared at the ceiling above her – the diary now upside down on the ground – Cass wondered how she hadn't noticed it sooner. She had barely known Orpheus for even a day, but Kartiel's memories made her feel like she had known him for an eternity. The way he had talked about Lira in the library that morning had been far too personal. 

But she couldn't understand why he would fall in love with her.

She was the daughter of the adviser who had killed Kartiel's father, and was from a kingdom that had a tense relationship with Telorum. Orpheus liking Lira and wanting to know more about her just didn't make sense – wouldn't it have been better to fall in love with someone who wouldn't turn him away?

She let out a sigh and sat up , memories of laughter and smiles that made her heart melt flickering in and out of her mind. She knew that love didn't work like that; it was stupid to think that Orpheus could choose to fall in love with someone who wouldn't cause so much heartache. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on her door.

She fumbled for the diary, struggling to get a good grip on its spine in her panic. After several failed attempts – and continued knocking – she finally managed to pick it up. Her eyes scanned the room for the perfect hiding place. When the knocking ceased, Cass impulsively shoved it underneath her pile of pillows. She could only hope that no one would find it there.

Cass hurried to her feet and opened the door.

Orpheus was standing there.

“Hi,” she awkwardly said.

“Hi,” he replied.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

“They finished preparing dinner,” he finally said. Though his face was hidden underneath his hood, she could tell he was staring at her. “...Do you have a brush?”

She instinctively raised a hand to her hair. 

“...Do I have bedhead?” she hesitantly asked.

He nodded. 

Heat rose to her cheeks. “I have a brush,” she managed to get out, retreating back into the depths of her room. As she retrieved her brush from her backpack, she caught a glimpse of herself in the nearby reflection. The sight made her pause. Though her hair was the obvious flaw, it wasn't the only thing that came to her attention. The way her red hair framed her face made it look paler than it usually did, and there were thick bags underneath her eyes. How long had those been there?

She tore her gaze away from the mirror. 

“Thank you for letting me know,” she said. 

“You're welcome.”

They fell into another awkward silence as she carefully ran the brush through her hair. It thankfully wasn't as wild as it could have been; she didn't want to think about how long it could have taken to brush. But the time it took was too long as it was, and Cass found herself filling the silence with a hesitant confession.

“I saw you in my dream,” she quietly admitted.

Orpheus stiffened in the doorway. “What did you see?”

She placed her brush down on her bed.

“A graveyard,” she said. “I don't know where. You were there with Kartiel. I...I wouldn't have brought it up, but you mentioned something and it feels wrong not to talk about it with you...”

e took a deep breath.

“You were about to talk about Lira.”

His posture relaxed, and he let out a tense sigh of defeat. “Then you know?”

She nodded. “You like her.”

He didn't say anything for the minute that followed; he just continued to stare at her from the shadows cast by his hood. When he finally did speak, his voice was much quieter than before. “What do you think?”

“I don't think I can judge you,” she said. “I don't know why you fell in love with her, but I..I know that love is unpredictable. I won't ask you about Lira unless you want me to.”

“...Thanks.”

xXx

When they stepped inside of the dining hall, the first thing that she noticed was how expansive the room was. It was even bigger than the throne room. Two tables ran parallel to each other down the length of the hall; she couldn't count all of the chairs that lined each of their sides. To the back of the room was an impressive throne that mirrored the one in the throne room, but it looked far older than the other one.

She scanned the tables for food and people, but found none.

Both of the tables were completely empty.

“I don't understand,” she said.

“Kartiel doesn't like to use this room,” Orpheus said. He pulled in front of Cass, leading her towards a small door off to the side. She followed, uncertain and intrigued. Her hunger grew stronger as they approached. But Cass couldn't help but glance back at the empty tables as they passed. There was just something so sad about seeing them like that, though she couldn't put her finger on why.

“Telorum hasn't had good diplomatic relationships with the neighboring kingdoms in years,” Orpheus continued, his voice quiet. “We rarely get visitors here, and I don't think he likes how empty the room is with just the two of us.”

He placed his hand on the doorknob and opened the door.

The room that greeted her looked foreign yet familiar. It could have been mistaken for her family's dining room – a small table took up the majority of the relatively little room, surrounded by just six plain chairs. There was nothing extravagant about any of the furniture. Each piece was made of plain wood. The table was covered in a simple white tablecloth with a golden trim, and the most notable part of each chair was their dark purple seat cushions.

And, unlike the other tables, this one was occupied.

Kartiel was sitting at the head of the table, a book carefully propped against the glass candle holder in front of him. He didn't even notice that they were there – he just continued to read and finger his locket. She let go of a breath she didn't know she had been holding when she noticed how familiar the scene was; she had done the same thing countless times when waiting for her family at the dining room table.

Orpheus cleared his throat.

Kartiel looked up.

Noticing the two, he abruptly closed the book and placed it on the seat beside him.

Orpheus sat down in the empty seat beside Kartiel. Cass started to head towards the seat at the other end of the table, but then Orpheus grabbed onto the arm of the chair beside him and pulled it out for her.

Casting a glance in Kartiel's direction, she reluctantly sat down next to Orpheus.

She was immediately hit by another wave of nostalgia. The cushion felt just as soft as the ones back home, and the chair was roughly the same size. She rested her arms on the smooth wood and pulled herself in. Even though no one was talking, she felt more at ease than she had felt the entire time she had been in Telorum. The illusion was momentarily broken when plates full of steaming, delicious-looking food suddenly appeared in the center of the table with a burst of warmth.

“Does it always do that?” she asked, incredulous.

Orpheus started to say something, but Kartiel surprisingly beat him to it.

“It does,” he answered, a ghost of a smile flickering across his lips. “One of our cooks is a skilled general magic user – they always deliver the food to us with a spell.”

Cass nodded; she was glad that the food wasn't brought directly to them. She had only seen the cooks once when Orpheus and her were raiding the kitchen for their makeshift breakfast, and the thought of being served on like she had been in Rey made her feel deeply uncomfortable.

Her gaze traveled to the food.

After picking foods that her soul told her Kartiel liked – unsure of what any of the others were – she waited for the other two to pick their food as well. She only started eating once they had. No one said anything for the first few minutes of the meal, but Cass was alright with that. If she thought hard enough, she could imagine that she was back home, seated at the dining room table on a rare night where both of her parents were home in time for dinner. 

And with them both an entire world away, she would gladly take that opportunity.


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Tue Jan 21, 2020 11:12 am
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Lib wrote a review...



Hellooooo!

Here to review this chapter -- more like, story -- real quick.

First of all, wHy Is ThIs nOveL eNdiNG hErE? Please please please, if you ever get the time after your other novels, please continue this one. I know there are mistakes in it, but think of it, Mage. It's draft 1, and draft 1 can only be so perfect. There's no problem at all with the plot!! :P

...I mean unless you want me to finish it... -- no, no, I'm joking, I'd never touch it. ;)

Also, I'm going to mention this for when/if you hop over to draft 2, and when/if you continue writing this: I noticed that whenever Cass enters a new room in the palace, she's awing over what's in the room and what it looks like. At times, you info dump sort of?

Like in this chapter, when you were mentioning the description of the dining hall, you said many things at once. I know at times it's uncontrolable and you JusT waNNa gEt iT oUt ThERe, but you gotta join the description with different, ya know, sentences.

Let's use the dining hall bit example again--

Okay turns out I can't really copy and paste on my tablet, which is very frustrating, but just so you know, the description is the first paragrah in the second half of this chapter, after the scene break. :)

And then the sentence you have after, is:

She scanned the tables for food and people, but found none.


Over here, you can very easily say what exactly the tables look like and how many tables there are:

She scanned the two long paralell tables for food and people but found none.


I hope that makes sense!

Well I don't have much else to say other than, excellent work!! I'm really impressed by your imagination! And of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever. :D

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




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Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:15 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



But she couldn't understand why he would fall in love with her.


Because he's Nebris and he's her contracted (or, wait, she's his contracted? I forget precisely how this works, because in case you haven't noticed, it's been a while) and he knows her pretty well by now!

She was the daughter of the adviser who had killed Kartiel's father, and was from a kingdom that had a tense relationship with Telorum. Orpheus liking Lira and wanting to know more about her just didn't make sense – wouldn't it have been better to fall in love with someone who wouldn't turn him away?


Okay, yes, but a) it's not fair to hold it against Lira that her dad did something bad, and b) YES IT WOULD BE BETTER BUT WE DON'T EXACTLY GET TO CHOOSE WHO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH OKAY CASS.

The way her red hair framed her face made it look paler than it usually did


Okay, to be fair I haven't read this in a really long time, but I don't know how much description of Cass you had earlier on in the story. It feels like a surprise to me that she has red hair - I'm wondering if there was a description of her in the very first chapter that was never mentioned again, or if there was simply never a description at all. I tend to struggle with including a description of primary viewpoint characters, since they don't really see themselves except in mirrors - which is fine the way you did it here, I think, because she's just been told she has bedhead and is noticing something out of place about her appearance, but if you use it just for a character to show us their everyday appearance, it's generally clunky (plus cliched).

Kartiel was sitting at the head of the table, a book carefully propped against the glass candle holder in front of him.


In which I am Kartiel.

Okay, so aside from the description thing I again sort of feel like we're not really headed anywhere in particular? I think - and this could be because you wrote this for LMS, which really affects the way the story goes as you try to stay in the competition longer - it's because the story is made up of all these nice, relationship-building moments, but there's not a lot of action or intrigue so far. There's clearly something going on with Telorum and the other kingdoms, but because it's so obvious that Telorum is actually good, at least nowadays, and that everyone's wrong about how evil they/fallen/dark magic are, this conflict doesn't create much mystery.

Honestly, I sort of feel like this is an issue I often fall into; I'm very interested in my characters' relationships and why do I need to actually bother about a plot??? So I can understand falling into a lack of plot as you delve into character relationships. But since this is a fantasy, there needs to be more going on than what's going on. The most intriguing thing right now is the fact that Orpheus is most likely Nebris, but it's taken a long time to come up.




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Sun Apr 28, 2019 5:59 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Mage! I know you've got plans to rewrite the whole story, but I'm just going to write up an uber-quick review to help shift this out of the Green Room. I'll try and keep redrafting in mind throughout the critique!

First, I gotta get this out of the way:

Orpheus liking Lira and wanting to know more about her just didn't make sense – wouldn't it have been better to fall in love with someone who wouldn't turn him away?


Oh, Cas. Honey. Life would be a heck of a lot easier if we only fell for people who wouldn't turn us away.

Anyhow, I'm going to stick to overall thoughts for this review. First, it's really cool that Orpheus likes Lira - I completely didn't expect that, so that makes two twists that you completely blindsided me with. One of the problems with this reveal, though, is that Cass is too good-natured not to press Orpheus for details and/or find them out another way, so the mystery kind of hangs and doesn't do anything.

In terms of redrafting, I think one of the issues with this draft was that Cass was just too timid for the plot, which meant she didn't naturally propel it forward. Obviously, you don't need to make her bold in the next draft, but you do need to create a plot that forces her to go outside of her comfort zone and be active. She might be afraid the whole time, but her situation needs to be dire enough that she has to make decisions and control the story. I don't think Cass's personality is the problem in itself, it's just that her goals aren't clearly defined enough, so she doesn't have that much of a reason to make decisions.

One thing I do really like is how un-royal life in Kartiel's castle is. I think that makes the story stand out, because you haven't succumbed to the cliché of Cass coming into a glorious castle and being waited on. The place is almost empty, barely staffed, and they eat in cosy little dining rooms rather than big halls. I like that you did something different with that, so don't lose it in the next draft.

I don't think I have much more to add that I haven't already said in previous reviews, so I'll leave the critique here. Hope this helped, and best of luck with rewriting this. I'd love to see what you do with it!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Tue Apr 02, 2019 3:40 pm
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FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there! So...another great chapter! I really liked it. Kind of a nice break from action and overwhelming confusion. I've got quite a few theories, but I want at least one more chapter before I voice them. My favorite paragraph of this chapter is this one:

"She was the daughter of the adviser who had killed Kartiel's father, and was from a kingdom that had a tense relationship with Telorum. Orpheus liking Lira and wanting to know more about her just didn't make sense – wouldn't it have been better to fall in love with someone who wouldn't turn him away?"

There is one sentence that needs some fixing:

"e took a deep breath."

Might want to finish that word, unless you want the readers to be left in mystery. :P ;).

That was all, keep up the amazing work!





The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality