z

Young Writers Society



The Price of a Soul [Chapter 6.2]

by Mageheart


The story so far: Quinn makes a deal with a demon named Azazel - who has somehow been forced into a robotic body. Three years later, Quinn is a runaway and Azazel is going by the name Issac. The two of them are traveling the country in search of the people who made Issac the way he is now, but run into a little roadblock when their newest (and best) lead is killed by a hunter.

After taking a bus to the next town over, they run into Issac's friend Bell at a hotel called Abe's Lodge. But before Quinn and Issac could get to their room, they find out about a series of disappearances that have been taking place around town. They decide to investigate the latest disappearance by going to a haunted house called Lowland Haunts.

After getting several clues, they return to their hotel room and have a discussion on Quinn's past. The last chapter ends with Issac revealing that some demons are fallen angels.

Now, Issac & Quinn are going for a walk around town.

xXx

They didn't get far with their walk.

Quinn should have seen it coming the moment that the suggestion was made. She had noticed the bookstore the night before when they went to the neighboring bar. It had been closed at the time, but there was nothing to deter Issac from staring longingly at its many shelves through the open window. The temptation was so strong that Issac barely protested to her suggestion that Quinn kept exploring town while he stayed in the bookstore. It helped that the town was small and that Issac knew how bored she'd get while he looked at all of the different books.

Quinn left him in the used books aisle with the promise to keep her phone on vibrate.

It was a cool, September day. The weather was just cool enough to make wearing her hoodie truly comfortable, while also being just windy enough to be slightly annoying if she stood still for too long. Quinn didn't really mind. It gave her a reason to keep walking through town. There was something nice about exploring somewhere vaguely familiar on her own. Even though she had seen snippets of Moriah the day before, it felt like she was really seeing it now. She saw how old the buildings looked, how many different shops they were in the center of town, and the faces of the people she passed in the street. It felt like she had been in the town for much longer than a day.

But the euphoria was quickly cut short.

Maybe it was a detective's instinct. Maybe it was some part of her recognizing the area of town and leading her to the place. Or maybe it was just pure coincidence. Whatever it was, Quinn found herself suddenly staring up at the church. And while the church's parking lot was still as empty as it had been yesterday, she could see movement inside one of its front windows.

A moment later, the front door swung open.

The woman that stepped outside was familiar. Her black hair was thrown back into stylish but messy ponytail; her eyes were a warm hazel. Quinn didn't recognize the violet cardigan, the fashionably faded jeans, or tall leather boots. But something about the haircut and the eyes made Quinn finally draw the connection she hadn't been able to make the day before.

Gabriel had talked to her the day before.

But, more importantly, she was-

“Oh my God,” the woman said. “Quinn?

Quinn faltered. “Um...”

“It is you, right?” she asked. Even though she hadn't gotten her confirmation yet, a big grin had spread across her face. “Quinn Holt? I haven't seen you in person in years!”

Quinn gave an awkward smile.

“...Hi, Diana,” she finally said.

To her surprise, Diana pulled her into a hug. Her memories of their childhood play dates were still blurry, but some part of her somehow recalled Diana Keene being very hands-on when they were little. The one time she clearly remembered involved Diana hugging her just like she was doing now – with a hug that was so tight that Quinn felt like she couldn't even sneak a single breath in.

“I can't believe it's you,” Diana said, her voice muffled by Quinn's shoulder. And then, just as suddenly as it had started, the hug was over. Diana pulled back away from Quinn with the excited grin on her face. There was something else, too, but Quinn couldn't quite place it. “We never really saw each other after my dad stopped acting, but I thought I'd never see you again after you went missing.”

Quinn shifted her weight from one foot to another.

“It's been awhile,” she agreed, her smile growing all the more awkward.

Diana's smile faltered.

“Not to ruin the moment,” she said, “but what happened to you? I heard that you got kidnapped, but you look...”

She thought for a moment and looked Quinn over.

“...better,” she admitted. “You look more like you.”

Quinn wasn't sure what to say to that.

She raised a hand up and absentmindedly brushed her fingers through the very ends of her hair. The last time that she had been in any kind of public photo, it had been down to her waist. It was actually a little shocking that Diana had been able to recognize her so easily; her clothes were far more androgynous and cheaper now. She hadn't ever thought of it the way that Diana said, but saying that she was more herself now felt right.

“It's a long story,” Quinn said. She wasn't really sure how to explain everything with Issac without mentioning that he was a demon trapped inside of a robot. That would bring up a lot of questions, especially if Diana didn't know that her dad was demon.

Diana gave a smile. “It's a good thing I don't have work yet.”

Quinn opened her mouth to protest, but Diana cut her off before she could.

“I got it!” she exclaimed, linking her arm around Quinn's. “We should go to the bar. It's the perfect place to sit and talk – and to get some breakfast.”


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Tue Sep 22, 2020 8:26 pm
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Valkyria says...



There's not much to say that the other reviewers hadn't said, but I loved this chapter!




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Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:06 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok, I'm back! Work is over and I'm free to review :)

They didn't get far with their walk.

I like how short and sharp this sentence is, but I'm not sure if it might be too repetitive after the line of the previous section? Possibly avoid repeating 'walk'?

She had noticed the bookstore the night before when they went to the neighboring bar

Hahaa oh Issac, so easily tempted by books (she says as if I totally wouldn't be distracted by a bookstore xD).

The temptation was so strong that Issac barely protested to her suggestion that Quinn kept exploring town while he stayed in the bookstore.

I think protested at sounds better than to.

Maybe it was some part of her recognizing the area of town and leading her to the place.

I think you could say this a bit better. Perhaps 'maybe some part of her was subconsciously retracing her previous steps' or something like that. This just doesn't flow as well as the other sentences around it.

“Oh my God,” the woman said. “Quinn?”

Ooooh who is it?!

“...better,” she admitted. “You look more like you.”

More like you than when? And how does Diana know what 'you' looks like? From the sounds of things they weren't that close... not if Quinn barely remembers her?

She raised a hand up and absentmindedly brushed her fingers through the very ends of her hair. The last time that she had been in any kind of public photo, it had been down to her waist.

This would be a great time to describe how long it is now for comparison. Also, didn't she put it up at the beginning of the chapter? Did she take it down again?

“We should go to the bar. It's the perfect place to sit and talk – and to get some breakfast.”

Oh dear, how is she going to explain all of this! Also, I assume by Diana's calm demeanour that nobody is really looking for Quinn anymore? If she was presumed kidnapped, I think I would have expected someone from her past life to have a more extreme reaction to suddenly finding her so perhaps you could expand on that a bit more.

That's all for this chapter! I love that you've introduced someone from Quinn's past - it allows us to learn a bit more about her without it being explicitly mentioned in the narrative so I'm excited for this conversation.

Hope some of this helped <3

Icy




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Mon Sep 21, 2020 2:19 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hey, Magebird! Glad this story is back!

I haven't reviewed the previous chapter but I did read it. I didn't really have much to say when it came to story progression and your other reviewers picked up on the mistakes. Although I will say it now makes sense to me that Bell is the receptionist and freely shows off her fangs as the Lodge appears to be some sort of supernatural hotel.

I'm interested to know what this Diana character is going to bring to the story. I'd forgotten her relevance then when you mentioned her demon dad, it clicked.

Good chapter, let me know when others are up :)




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review! I'm glad you liked the chapter. :)

The hotel being for supernatural people was something I really wanted to show when it was introduced in the second chapter, but I didn't have the opportunity to then. I definitely need to rewrite that section in the second draft so the supernatural creatures here are more of background worldbuilding than a surprise. :)

And I can't wait for you to find out. :)




There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker