z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Stoneslide - Sixteen Seasons Ago

by ChiravianSkies


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

A battle was coming. Juniper felt it coming closer by every single worried glance thrown up at the burrow’s ceiling. Every twitch of mice’s tails told her that no one was safe. It was only the older mice who seemed fully aware what was going on, but if they were this scared, then the Frozenmoon’s army had to be worse than she thought.

She pulled the little hopper at her side in closer and looked up at dirt ceiling.

“What’s wrong, Juniper?”

Juniper whirled in her pebble seat to see her fiance, Ketani. She ran her forepaws over the hopper’s soft ears. “Nothing.”

He raised his brows and leaned on the chair’s broken plank back. “Are you sure?”

Juniper tried not to look the chestnut mouse in his eyes. “I’m sure.”

Ketani sat down next to her and motioned across the table. “They’re worried, Juniper, I would be too. But…” he flicked his head down the tunnels. “We need to keep our heads high. If we’re scared, they’ve already won.” He picked a seed up, scrutinizing it. “And I don’t know what would happen if I lost you.”

“Don’t talk like that. We’ll fight, Ketani. If you die, I’ll fight harder. If I die…” she smiled lightly. “I hope you’d do the same for me.”

Ketani nodded weakly, and continued looking at the grain. He nibbled at it carefully, then took a less careful bite. He winced every time he chewed quickly.

She held the hopper next to her shoulder and looked down at the tiny brown mouse’s face. She hadn’t given him a name yet.

Ketani stood up quickly and began taking long strides along the edge of the table.

“Where’re you going?” Juniper asked.

The tall mouse stopped and gazed out at the tunnels. “Bansen and Brightwhisker just left.”

Juniper shot a look at the seed pile. “Well, I’ll just leave the hopper with Morlyle.” She raised a brow at him.

Ketani sighed. “Alright. Leave the hopper with Morlyle.”

Juniper smiled and watched as Ketani walked over the dining room’s entrance and leaned on it expectantly.

She strode around the table. “Hey, Morlyle?” she asked, trying not to bump in other mice.

“Yes?” he asked, whirling around? “Yes, Juniper?” he said as soon as he saw her.

“Can you take care of the hopper?” she asked, lifting the hopper from her shoulder.

“Can’t see why not,” he said. “You named him yet?”

“Agenta didn’t name me until I opened my eyes.-”

“And you’re Juniper, not Agenta.”

Morlyle had a point. He should be named.

“Alright. I’ll take him.” Before Juniper could give him the hopper, a couple ground squirrels snickered at eachother

Morlyle leaned down, taking the young mouse, yet at the same time keeping him distant. “Just be back soon, alright?”

Juniper smiled a reply, and clumsily walked around the edge of the circular table. She walked up to Ketani, who was just about to walk down the tunnels without her.

“And?” Ketani took Juniper’s paw, twitching his whiskers.

“Morlyle’s fine. And I think I should name him,” she said, walking alongside Ketani.

“You’re his mother,” he said, blue eyes darting around the burrows.

Juniper didn’t mention that no real mother would abandon her son in a June ditch.

There were a few moments of silence as they walked down the tunnels, with Ketani peeking behind every corner. Occasionally, it was interrupted with Ketani muttering, “What team of Burrowers dug this mess?”

Finally, the two found Brightwhisker and Bansen whispering.

“Captain Bansen,” Ketani said, looking at the ground squirrel in front of them. “We aren’t interrupting?”

Brightwhisker whirled, worry in his eyes. “Thank the Great Hawk it was just you. And no, you aren’t interrupting.” The golden mouse smiled. “Why?”

Juniper knew exactly what Ketani wanted to ask, but didn’t have the tact to think it over. “Where is everyone? On the surface?” she asked. Since they came to Hoof Spots, mice weren’t allowed aboveground.

“Everyone’s at the forges,” Bansen said grimly.

“Why?” The army was at least a week’s walk away.

Brightwhisker and Bansen exchanged glances. “They’re waiting at the bridge.”

Brightwhisker hung his head. “Someone from around here… he gave them a route.”

“Let’s hope he wasn’t ours,”she said

There was a moment of silence, with everyone, including Ketani, giving her a sad glance. It all said that she could pretend as long as she liked, but she’d have to realize the truth some day.

“Just get Wolf Plains prepared. Send them training as soon as they’re done eating,” Bansen said.

Brightwhisker nodded. “We’ll go right now.”

Ketani turned immediately and nodded for Juniper to follow along. She understood it full well and started walking down the tunnels, yet still following Ketani’s lead.

It took a moment for Brightwhisker to catch up with them, but when he did, he finally took the lead. “This way.”

They got to the dining room and looked at it, watching as mice chatted away quietly, with Morlyle looking like he wanted to start a fight.

“So you’re done eating?” Brightwhisker queried, raising his ears. He didn’t wait for a reply. “Well, time to start training. The battle’s closer than you think.”

A few started moving along quietly, but Wolf Plains was not a city of ten mice. It was a city of at least 300.

“Come on!” Brightwhisker clapped his paws, urging the mice to hurry up.

Soon, Morlyle was the only one sitting down. He gave an annoyed glare to Brightwhisker, but continued stroking the hopper’s fur.

“That means you too, Hazelwood!” Brightwhisker called.

Morlyle gave a tender ruffle of the hopper’s fur and stood up, holding the little creature close. He walked up to Juniper, a light smile on his face.

“Here you go, Juniper.” He patted the hopper’s head and handed him to Juniper. “You’re lucky to have him.”

“Thanks,” she said, blood rushing to her black cheeks.

Morlyle walked by, a grin on his face. “Well, let’s start training, then.”

Brightwhisker blinked. “Well, straight down the hall.”

Juniper followed behind, the second-last mouse to go down the tunnels.

Then she caught a whiff of fresh air. Juniper grinned just at the thought of the freedom that it implied.

“Ketani,” she said, looking at the chestnut mouse behind him.

He raised his ears. “Yes?”

Juniper didn’t think twice. “I’m going up to the surface.”

“What? No!” Ketani said. “You heard what Bansen said. They’re right at the bridge.”

“They aren’t going to notice one mouse.” Juniper said.

Ketani scrunched in his shoulders, looking back at the tunnels. “Fine. Be back in a few minutes.”

“Don’t worry,” Juniper said, holding the hopper tight.

“That’s what I do,” Ketani murmured.

Juniper turned around and started sprinting towards the entrance, but was stopped by Ketani grabbing her tail. “Wait,” he said, “what was that name you were talking about?”

Juniper raised her brows for a moment before it sunk in about what he was talking about. “Oh. I was thinking about Flekkanos,” she said, hastily sneaking a glance to check for any ground squirrels. “I’ll be in training in just a minute. I just need some air.” Juniper turned around and continued running up the tunnel, avoiding the Burrowing leader’s worried gaze.

Juniper sighed as soon as a blast of wind hit her face. Oh how she missed this.

She caught into a sprint, yet she still looked behind her shoulder to see if any ground squirrels were following her. She climbed up a pinkish grey boulder, sitting down as soon as she reached the top.

With a smile, Juniper curled up on the stone, allowing the setting sun to warm her fur. She closed her dark blue eyes, forgetting that she was only supposed to be on the surface for a minute or two.

***

Juniper woke up to the sound of a hawk flapping above her. Terror struck her.

Flekkanos. Juniper reached behind her and saw the brown hopper hugging her side, asleep. She started to stand up, taking a sleeping Flekkanos into her forelegs.

She checked to see if any patrols were nearby. There were none. She was alone out on the field. Then she saw the silhouetted shapes of two mice and one ground squirrel. One was tall, but still muscled. Ketani. Next to him was the silhouette of his second in command, Rozalin.

Juniper looked up to see the hawk starting his slow descent towards the rock. She breathed in slowly, waiting for the right time to leap.

Right as she did, she felt her limbs seize up. The talons came ever closer, and just as they were about to clasp onto Juniper, she felt adrenaline jolt through her. She leaped to the side, rolling over to the edge of the rock. She climbed to her knees, ready to jump down the rock if the hawk came any closer.

The hawk gave one massive flap and lifted into the sky. It gave a massive shriek. Without a second to pass, the cry of hundreds of mice reached her ears, turning Juniper’s blood to ice.

***

“Juniper!” Ketani shouted. He swung around to face Roz and Bansen. “It didn’t get her, did it?”

Bansen shook his head, jaw clenched. “No. Lucky mouse.”

Ketani turned to the boulder that Juniper was on, and clenched his jaw. “Just go to Wolf Plains, Juniper!” he shouted. “It’s too late to go anywhere else!”

“Dammit, Highfeather! Get down here!” Bansen beckoned him over, lips curled back to reveal sharp incisors.

Ketani looked back at the pink boulder. Digging his claws into the dark stone, he slid down the backside just as the first arrows were beginning to get shot.

He climbed down the muddy entrance to the burrows and immediately ran into Brightwhisker about to climb up. “Holy Hawk, Ketani,” he breathed. “What was that?”

Ketani looked back at the night sky. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Bansen kicked a stone to the side. “Bansen didn’t tell me.”

Ketani narrowed his eyes. “Then get the rest of the Wolf Plains mice.” An image of Juniper went into his mind. “To the forges, Brightwhisker. Hurry!”

Ketani started running down the tunnels towards the bunks, which was what the Hoof Spots animals called their dorms.

“You aren’t the ‘Whisker yet, Ketani,” Brightwhisker said, running ahead in a flurry of gold fur.

Yet? They now ran on all fours, trying as hard as they could to get to the bunks.

Ketani stopped in the doorway, fur bristled in shock. Only the council members were in the bunks, but the bunks were separated into Guilds.

“Where were you?” Morlyle asked, holding a spear in his paws already.

“They’re here. Tell your Guilds and head to the surface!” Ketani nodded to Rozalin. “Roz, you go and get the Burrowers. I’ll be up on the field.”

With that, Ketani turned and sprinted down the tunnels, looking for the telltale glow of a forge.

Ketani stopped and in amazement stood stock-still. How Juniper would have loved to see this forge. It blazed bright and fiery, weapons glowing bright orange as they were cooled in water that just got hotter with each blade being made. Fifty ground squirrels blasted swords in and out at full fury. And in the giant burrow, those were only the squirrels that were actively smithing. Ground squirrel after ground squirrel grabbed swords, javelins, spears, anything that they could get their paws on and ran out to the skylight at the other end.

“Ketani, what are you doing here?” a ground squirrel shouted. Ketani whirled to see the angry scowl of Captain Bansen.

“We’re fighting too, Bansen, whether you like it or not.” Ketani grabbed a glass spear from the rack, still warm from the flames.

“Well, it’s better that you fight and die than be a coward and live.”

Ketani felt his fur bristling and he stood up taller. “We’re going to live, Bansen. We will.”

Bansen glared at him, pointing at the skylight. “Then get out there!”

Ketani ran up the tunnel and into the fray of fighting creatures. The ground squirrels had an obvious advantage, striking down Frozenmoon mice with enough force to split them in two.

Ketani whirled around to deflect a sword’s blow with his glass spear, and then drove his spear forward like he was shown in training. It stabbed the dark grey mouse through the chest, and as blood sputtered out of her mouth, Ketani wondered what fighting truly was.

It was to kill. Yet all these mice had thoughts of their own. Their own families…

Ketani narrowed his eyes, trying to avoid the sight of the dark grey mouse’s yellow eyes dimming.

But he had his own family and home to worry about. There was Wolf Plains, then there was Ketani, Juniper, and finally young Flekkanos.

With a sudden pang of fear for Juniper, Ketani ran into the battle, spear at the ready.

***

Bansen leaped into the air, striking down a mouse with a swipe of his claws. He didn’t even bother to use his barbed wire whip.

Highfeather had run a small distance and threw his spear into a mouse about to attack Rozalin, although his blows just got weaker and weaker with every mouse he struck down. He’d seen this before. Soon, Ketani would just sit down and let the battle overtake him, something no creature could be taught against.

“They’re monsters, Ketani. Not mice.” He leaped backwards from a black mouse’s dirk. She cried in dismay and turned around like there was something to fear besides the battle raging around her.

Ketani nodded grimly, barely dodging a Frozenmoon mouse’s attack with his dagger.

Bansen turned to the mouse in front of him and prepared just to strike her down with his claws.

He stopped mid-swing as he caught her face. Her big eyes and soft features told him this was a child, barely older than four seasons old.

She ran with an oversized dirk, and leaped in the air like a rabbit. She somehow got high enough with her tiny legs that she was at Bansen’s height. She swung her dirk down, Bansen leaping backwards as the small nail made contact with his shoulder fur. She fell to the ground, and Bansen looked down at her in surprise.

A mouse ran ahead of Bansen and whacked the hopper to the side before she could run for a second leap. “I’ve got this brat, Bansen. Go find Tandrai,” she growled. He recognized the argente mouse to be Rozalin.

Rozalin whipped her head up, green eyes widening. “Bansen!” she shouted, running to the side.

Bansen didn’t know what got him. Talons clenched at his side, making the silvery-brown ground squirrel cry out in pain. Every wind-filled flap of the hawk’s wings sent him a foot higher.

Bansen kicked in the creature’s grasp, fear welling in his stomach more and more.

The hawk dipped its head down, beak ready to tear at Bansen in midair. Bansen reached for the whip hanging over his shoulder and slung it forwards, hitting the hawk in its hypnotizing yellow eyes.

The black metal hit its mark, and even he had to cringe at the amount of blood that came out of its eye.

It cried out in pain and its wings seized for just a second.

There was another cry as soon as a whip cracked in the air.

“Don’t you dare, Skilar,” someone above him said, angrily cordial. “If you fall, that’ll be it.” He caught a flash of fur just as dark as the young mouse down on the ground’s fur.

The mouse carrying the voice crawled down, a lithe and slender mouse with her face painted in designs of swirling ochre.

She shuffled around on a leather belt while finding a perch on the hawk’s faltering wings. She pulled out two double-sided daggers, taking them into her mouth while she climbed down with tiny paws.

She gave him an angry glare, and then held the blades up.

Bansen tried to kick out, but the hawk grabbed him tighter.

She drove the double-sided knives into his legs, twisting them in slowly. Bansen clenched his teeth, trying not to scream in agony.

“Right into the bone,” she seethed, “So you’ll always remember us, even if we lose-” She was cut off as a glass rod flew through the sky and into her body. She choked, sliding on the glass spear that went all the way through her.

Bansen could only watch with eyes wide as a dugout as she slid off of the slender glass spear and fell to the ground below.

He looked up, realizing that the spear did more than just hit Tandrai. It stabbed into the hawk, leaving it to bleed from the stomach. It was only then that Bansen felt himself falling. Bansen tore himself from the hawk’s loosening grip with a grunt of pain. Dragging his legs behind him, he pulled himself up the descending hawk’s back. He tried not to move his legs as he shut his eyes tightly and gripped onto the chestnut-and-white feathers.

Only seconds after he braced himself, the hawk landed with a sickening crunch. He actually lived. He shook his head in amazement, gritting his teeth as he shifted his legs.

The entire field seemed to stop, looking at where the fallen hawk lay. He did it. He killed the queen, winning the battle.

Ketani took a step forwards, looking down in the black mouse’s direction. He laughed weakly. “She got the spear. I guess it’s over.” Under his breath he muttered, “I guess Brightwhisker is too.”

Bansen slid off the hawk, realizing that it was the mouse who did it. Not him.“You… you did it, didn’t you?”

Ketani nodded, turning back to the army. “This is General Bansen. He killed your queen.” He stopped, breathing in. “He’s… he’s got something to say.”

Bansen felt his fur bristling. He was being made a target, but still, he was getting known at the same time. With a grunt, he pulled one of the queen’s blades from his haunch. “Do you see this?” he shouted. “This is Tandrai’s. We have won. Defeated you, don’t you see?” he shouted. “Leave! And never come back!” He scratched the dagger with claws nearly as long as it. “Or else Hoof Spots, Wolf Plains, and even Saldiro will track you down. Then, we’ll destroy you a second time.”

There were murmurs in the crowd of Frozen mice.

The mouse who looked like she was barely four seasons old ran up to the dead queen, and stopped. A tall white mouse trailed behind her, skidding to a halt as soon as he saw it.

Bansen felt the blood leave his cheeks. Their mother was dead because of this battle.

He limped to the two young mice, the white one looking like he was only ten. “What’s your names? Both of you,” he said, looking down at them in sympathy.

The white mouse curled his lips. “Why’d you care now? But… this is Tu-”

The black mouse shook her head and raised her paw. “M-My name is Tulun.”

Ketani walked closer to them. “We… we’ve got a better home for you,” he said, his face reflecting pure guilt.

The black mouse looked into the crowd and stepped closer to Ketani.

Bansen raised his brows in disbelief. “They’re Frozenmoon!” he said. “Who knows what they’re going to do?”

Ketani stood up tall. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he said to Bansen. He turned to the rest of the Wolf Plains mice. “Time to go home.” He waved his paws, bringing the mice to one group.

Out of the corner of Bansen’s vision, a mouse snuck out of Wolf Plains’ ranks.

***

What happened? Juniper stopped at the deafening silence. The battle had stopped. But it was so short. Hoping that it was the Wolf Plains side that won, she continued trekking down the cow-stomped field until she found a grove of poplars.

“What the-” Juniper pivoted. Something was in the grass. “Hello?” she whispered. She reached for a tiny twig in the loamy ground.

The creature didn’t reply.

She turned towards Wolf Plains, holding Flekkanos in her satchels. She had to run.

Before she could even take a step, someone barrelled into her. She held the satchel close to her as she rolled to the ground. She only saw a dark brown figure above her.

She felt a strong paw on her neck and then a chuckle in her ear. “This one’s for Carin. Maybe he’ll see you here dead on the ground. Then he’ll feel exactly how I do. And only then,” he growled. She felt the weight off her neck. She felt a kick on her stomach that shot a jolt of agony through her.

“Maybe,” he began, “you’ll see good ol’ Brightwhisker in Eversun. Or in Frozenmoon. Whichever…” He kicked her to the side. She closed her eyes shut tightly and tried to absorb the pain. “Fits you, Juniper.”

A shock of terror went through as as he kicked her in the chest, knocking all the wind from her chest. He stopped her by putting a hindpaw on her side. “And don’t think, Miss, that you’ll get a choice.”

There was a blast of wind Juniper felt a piercing through her soft side. Her eyes opened wide in silent agony. She couldn’t even scream as the weapon stabbed in and out from all angles, like killing a weasel that got too close to Wolf Plains. She only mustered the strength to cough out the blood from punctured lungs. All she could see was a blurry brown shape and an iron-tipped spear.

Then it stopped. Without even the strength to see if Flekkanos was safe, she shut her eyes.

She felt the mouse lean over her ears. “I’ll let you die quickly. It’s Ketani I’m against, not you, my lovely.” He chuckled. “See you later, Juniper.”

There was one more kick to the side, and then everything went black.


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Sun May 31, 2015 1:21 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi there!

Are these characters...mice? Some other kind of animal? That wasn't entirely clear to me when I was reading this piece, but if they are, props for doing something original and unique with this story. I was also confused about whether or not this is supposed to be a part of standalone short story or part of a larger novel. It stands pretty well on its own, but I got the sense while reading this that it's a part of something more.

That being said, I did like this quite a lot. Your writing is solid and you do a good job of hooking your reader in at the beginning and keeping us there. Your characters are interesting, and I want to know more about them.

When you revise, I would focus on world building. A lot of things didn't add up and were confusing to me, as I mentioned earlier, which kept me from liking this as much as I feel I should have.

Best of luck!






Thank you Elinor! This was a really trimmed down version of the prologue, so maybe a lot of what I've cut is the extra world-building tidbits anymore. (And I realized I didn't even need this piece of writing and could keep the old stuff XD)
The characters are all mice, but humanized enough that they'd prefer to stand on their hind legs than on all fours.
Also, this is a novel. The rest of the story is up above in the sidebar. :) Thanks for the review.



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Sun May 24, 2015 1:04 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hiya, thought I might as well review this since I'm fairly confident you're reviewing mine at this moment.

Juniper shot a look at the seed pile. “Well, I’ll just leave the hopper with Morlyle.” She raised a brow at him.

Ketani sighed. “Alright. Leave the hopper with Morlyle.”

It sort of sounds like Ketani thinks this is his idea. Maybe you could have '...with Morlyle, then.' and him shaking his head a little. The sigh coming at the point instead of before the speech would also work.

trying not to bump into other mice.


squirrels snickered at eachother

You missed the space and the full stop.

“Let’s hope he wasn’t ours,”she said

Space and full stop again.

he slid down the backside just as the first arrows were beginning to get shot.

I would take out 'beginning to get'.

The ground squirrels had an obvious advantage, striking down Frozenmoon mice with enough force to split them in two.

Having read on I understand that it's two factions of mice fighting each other and these squirrels happen to be on the Wolf Plains mice's side and the mice being split in two are the enemy. Reading this, however, I was very confused as to why the mice and squirrels were attacking each other. I think there is a solution, however. I think it would help if you meantioned the word Frozenmoon specifically throughout the start of the prologue, maybe Juniper is worried about her hopper growing up in a world of warring Wolf Plains and Frozenmoon.

There was a blast of wind Juniper felt a piercing through her soft side.

You forgot the full stop before 'Juniper'.

~~~~~

Nice cliffhanger! Very worried for both Juniper and Flekkanos. Drawing me in in general was executed very well and thank you, thank you so much, for knowing the grammatical rules of dialogue.

I think sometimes you move a bit fast and occasionally it is unclear who is speaking.

Also, this doesn't seem much like a prologue since it has so many separate parts. It feels very much like a first chapter. In my mind, a prologue is a short snippet of a story distinctly separate to the rest and preferably without too much information being explicitly revealed. However, although this feels more like a first chapter, it was a very well executed first chapter and I strongly suggest you rebrand it as such.

If anything needs clarification, feel free to PM me.
Biscuits





I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan