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Prologue (A Lover She Lost)

by MadagascarMaiden


Horace sighed, the three year old girl that sat in the grass in front of him was the perfect picture of her mother. The black hair, pecan nose, and blue eyes, always made him think of his dead wife. He looked at her, sitting next to her older brother, she was picking daisies and he was playing with his black eyepatch. And his heart began to hurt as he looked down at the sealed letter in his hands. A letter from the government, a call to arms, he would have to leave them in a weeks time.

“Daddy,” said a five year old Viana, “why do you leave all the time?”

“Because you're too pretty for his eyes to handle.” Said her eight year old brother Hestia.

“Then how are you able to live with me?” Said Viana confused.

“because,” explained her brother, “I only have one eye to see with so, I can only see half of your beauty. Dad has two eyes and can see you in full splendor.” Viana giggled, delighted. Horace looked down at his son in gratitude for not telling her about the war, even if he did exaggerate sometimes. Hestia simply smiled back in understanding.

word count 203


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13 Reviews


Points: 1224
Reviews: 13

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Wed Jan 22, 2020 7:29 am
JazenKnight wrote a review...



Critique
.As Claria pointed out, you did have some spelling issues.
.I'd suggest using a different word from pretty.
.''His heart began to hurt''. I admire the beauty in that sentence but it would ''hit you in the guts'' if you delved into more detail, or even show her father crying.
.Find words to replace those three ''saids you have in this passage-

“Daddy,” said a five year old Viana, “why do you leave all the time?”

“Because you're too pretty for his eyes to handle.” Said her eight year old brother Hestia.

“Then how are you able to live with me?” Said Viana confused.

You certainly did a good job with the ''heart string'' tugging that makes novels worth while.
Keep writing!,
JazenKnight




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101 Reviews


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Reviews: 101

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Tue Jan 21, 2020 8:17 pm
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Clairia wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm Clairia, here to review.

This piece really tugged at my heartstrings. A loved one in the military can be a very difficult situation for the family to cope with. It involves a lot of moving, a lot of worrying, etc. And to throw in the loss of the mother? I'm very saddened by this and can only hope that the bond between the children and their father (which could be weak by his involvement in the army, anyway) improves as this story continues. Hopefully I'll be able to check out chapter one later! :)
The execution of this idea was done well. It includes an aspect of childhood innocence with Viana's inquisition about her father's absences and the protective nature of an older brother with Hestia's reassurances. However, there were some technical issues I'd like to cover with you before I close this review.
You seem to have a problem with spelling; I noticed a few errors in the last paragraph especially.

“because,” explained her brother, “I only have one eye to see with so, I can only see half of your beauty. Dad has two eyes and can see you in full splendor.” Viana gigled, delighted. Horace looked don at his son in gratitude for not telling her about the war, even if he did exadurate sometimes. Hestia simply smiled back in understanding.

Those may just be a slip of the hand while typing, but I would suggest that you correct them as you see fit. I may be incorrect, but I believe that gigled should be giggled, don should be down, and exadurate should be exaggerate.

You have minor capitalization issues as well, but I'd really like to focus on the structure of your sentences. The flow of your piece is just not quite there, and I think it's important that you recognize that adding commas and splitting sentences can really help your work. For example:
Horace sighed, the three year old girl that sat in the grass in front of him was the perfect picture of her mother.

This is a bit chunky. Here's a revised version:
Horace sighed. The three year old girl that sat in the grass in front of him was the perfect picture of her mother.

By splitting "Horace sighed" from the rest of the sentence and making it its own, there's less of a struggle to comprehend what you're trying to say. I'd also suggest that you revise it even further, as it's a bit wordy. This is a final version:
Horace sighed. The little girl in front of him was the perfect picture of her mother.

You can set the scene later. This is a more simple way of introducing both characters while making it easy for the reader to comprehend. Complicated and hard to understand introductions tend to throw people off.
This is another example where that type of editing might apply.
He looked at her, sitting next to her older brother, she was picking daisies and he was playing with his black eyepatch.

Revised:
She was sitting next to her older brother, picking daisies while he played with his black eyepatch.

It just simplifies the description and, once again, makes it easier for the reader to understand.

I'm really excited to see where this will go! I think I just might take a look at chapter 1 ;)
Thank you for sharing (and happy writing!)

Clairia






thanks for the feedback, ya im not a very good typist so sometimes there are a few things i miss when revising. il work on makeing some of the changes that you sugested. :-)





oh and this is just to buld up some emotion between the characters and her father and brother before the next chapter, but i wont give you any spoilers.




“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester