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E - Everyone

Chapter two (A Lover She Lost)

by MadagascarMaiden


Baltazar, a dusty desert of a planet. yet abundant with watering holes. this was the training camp. this was Viana’s new life. she looked around, it wasn't very big. a containment area, a titanium dorm, training grounds, supply room, sign-up office, and a glass dome that served as a lab and garden because plant life was scarce here. “here goes nothing.” she said in anticipation, and strode over to the office.

she tapped on the small glass window and it slid open.

“Hi,” said a man with blond hair and kind, green eyes from inside the small room, “I’m Aasim, the trainee on duty right now, how can I help you?”

“Um, i would like to sign up for the training camp please?” she said hesitantly.

“no problem,” he replied with a cherey manner, “what division?”

“the special defence force.” she said without delay. he looked at her strangely,

“you sure about that miss? the SDF is pretty tough. I’m a member of it and things we’re not allowed to tell the citizens until they’re committed.” He said it as though he didn't want her to get hurt.

“Absolutely sure, there’s nothing left for me but to fight for freedom, and this is the most effective way I can do it.” she had said it, the thing that had been on her mind ever since the attack on Tatar.

“alright, name please,” he said looking down at a small hologram, hands perched to type.

“Viana BarHorace.” in their culture for a last name they would say Bar which means ‘child of’ and then they would say the name of their father.

“Ok, just follow me and i’ll take you to meet the captain and show you around.” He smiled, and she could tell that she was going to enjoy working with someone so much like Cody. She watched as he set up a hologram of himself to monitor the office. she was surprised at the advanced technology in the facility.

they walked through the big double doors that lead into the courtyard. the big glass dome was surrounded by four buildings with interconnecting walls, the training yard was connected to the north-west wall. she followed Aasim into the garden side of the dome. it was beautiful, much different from the barren desert outside. there was emerald green grass surrounding a small man-made lake, with a few palm trees and bushes.

she looked through the glass wall that split the dome in half, separating the lab from the garden. inside, there were two large white tables with some random test tubes on them, underneath there were a few crates that she supposed held chemicals. there was also a glass cylinder big enough to hold a man and a cot with crisp white sheets. it was empty of all chemists.

“there on a break today,” said Aasim, following her gase, “they get one every week.” Viana nodded, this made sense. they walked out of the dome on the other side and ended up in front of the supply room. “these are the supplies,” he said, “we don't need to go in there.” she nodded again. they turned around and faced the dome, “the dorms are to your left and the prison to your right.” Stated Aasim. she looked both ways. “And if you follow me to the training grounds, we can meet the captain.” he said, walking towards the wall between the supplies and the prison.

Aasim pressed a buzzer on the wall next to the door, waited ten seconds, and strode in. holding the door open for me to follow. she did, and when she entered the room she realized why the buzzer was needed. inside the large room the first thing you saw was a firing range. you wouldn't want to get shot so the buzzer let everybody inside know that you were coming and to stop firing.

there was a man wearing a captains crisp navy blue uniform walking over to them. Aasim immediately assumed a military pose, standing straight up like a pencil.

“sir, new recruit for the SDF, sir.” he said animatedly.

“at ease soldier, how many times have told you that there is no need of that during training?” asked the captain with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“sorry Dougart, just practicing.” mumbled Aasim, his cheeks flushing. “I’ve brought you a new recruit for the SDF,”

“I see that, what's your name recruit?”

“um, Viana BarHorace sir.”

“Nice to meet you. and, as I just told this worry wart, call me Dougart.” said the captain with a gentle smile, he was about as old as her father had been when he died.

“yes, Dougart.” she replied hasatantly.

“has Aasim shown you around yet?” he asked, scrunching his eyebrows together in question.

“he has, and I very much like the look of the place.” she said with a smile.

“good, good.” his voice was much like a friendly giants. “then, if you follow me to the lab, we can test your IQ and other elements.” she nodded. she had been expecting this, they were going to test her to make sure that she was smart enough to be on the elite. she was sure that she would pass through, because of her university background.

Dougart called back two of the chemists to work and handed her a written test. she finished the test in a flash. the scientists then took a blood sample and put it through a machine. they nodded at the results and waved Dougart over. he raised his eyebrows in surprise, and walked over to her. by now Aasim had left to man the office.

“you have some very surprising results here Viana.” he joyfully proclaimed,

“I assume that's a good thing?”

“your IQ is 153 and your blood sample told us that your Mauritius level is almost 100!” Viana frowned.

“why would you need my Mauritius levels?” she asked in confusion.

“because,” he explained, “you need a 75 or higher Mauritius level to join the SDF. why, you ask? because without it the enhancement we do on your brain won't work.”

“enhancement?” she was confused, “what kind of enhancement?”

“its truly remarkable, we enhance a person's Mauritius levels to 200, if their original level was less than 75 they aren't able to handle it, and it causes something supernatural. the person who was enhanced gets some sort of ability. all of the soldiers who go through it are able to do mental telepathy, get stronger muscles, and earn their own special power. so far we’ve cataloged fire, water, electricity, plant control, and mind control. we haven't tested it on a person with a level of 100.”

“interesting,” she said with a contemplative look on her face. “do the subjects suffer any after effects?” she asked,

“not at all, the process doesn't even hurt.” he exclaimed.

“then count me in.” she stated.

“there are a few things that you'll need to sign and know, miss.” said one of the scientists. “first, you won't wake up until tomorrow, and your eating habits might be a little off for a while. second, you need to sign this sheet of agreement.” she picked up the pen and signed the sheet of paper. then she took the crisp white robe from the scientist and strode over to the small titanium changing room.

when she came out, one scientist had opened up the large glass tube and the other was punching some buttons at a small control panel. Dougart had left. she walked over to the tube.

“Just step in here miss, there will be a bit of a funny smell, and then what looks like mist falling on you. than you'll be out.” she nodded. and stepped in. the funny smell came as the mist fell, then everything went black.

word count 1,306


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34 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:36 am
LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hello! I am here with a review!
This is a very cool story, reminds me of Star Wars. I also like your choice of names.
I love the description of the building and its stack difference to the desert.

Now the most prominent thing in noticed here is that you are missing capitals and some of your grammar is off. Maybe read through your story before publishing it to catch these common errors. Something I would also suggest would be to make an editing checklist.

Now this paragraph here is a bit, shall we say, crowed.
It is very hard to read because of the lack of capitals and breaks.

“there on a break today,” said Aasim, following her gase, “they get one every week.” Viana nodded this made sense. they walked out of the dome on the other side and ended up in front of the supply room. “these are the supplies,” he said, “we don't need to go in there.” she nodded again. they turned around and faced the dome, “the dorms are to your left and the prison to your right.” Stated Aasim. she looked both ways. “And if you follow me to the training grounds, we can meet the captain.” he said, walking towards the wall between the supplies and the prison.

Now one big thing in this sentence is to show not tell.

Aasim pressed a buzzer on the wall next to the door, waited ten seconds, and strode in. holding the door open for me to follow. she did, and when she entered the room she realized why the buzzer was needed. inside the large room the first thing you saw was a firing range. you wouldn't want to get shot so the buzzer let everybody inside know that you were coming and to stop firing.

Now as soon as you mention that it is a firing range, you automatically think of this sentence: you wouldn't want to get shot so the buzzer let everybody inside know that you were coming and to stop firing.
so I would suggest taking that sentence out.

Again I love your description in this such as a facial expression or body language.
Keep up the good work!

-The Lady of Mystery






thanks Becka :-)



LadyMysterio says...


no problem!



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205 Reviews


Points: 3466
Reviews: 205

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:28 am
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

Nitpicks & Grammar
First off you misspelled the word cheery here-

“no problem,” he replied with a cherey manner, “what division?”


Here you misspelled the words defense force-
“the special defence force.” she said without delay. he looked at her strangely,

Here you misspelled the word Alright should be capitalized-
“alright, name please,” he said looking down at a small hologram, hands perched to type.

You might want to consider removing the comma by the word nodded-
Viana nodded, this made sense. they walked out of the dome on the other side and ended up in front of the supply room.

__________________________________________________________
Over all this was an intresting read!
EverLight Out






thanks for the advice



EverLight says...


Your welcome <3




A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin