z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Sand Girl

by Atticus


Waves slapped against the shore, and I buried my feet in the warm sand as the salty wind touseled my curls. Water sprayed my freckled face, and I closed my eyes as I listened to the water call to me, sing songs to me. 

I had told no one about my ability to speak to the ocean, though it was no secret I spent hours wandering the dunes, almost daily. I was known far and wide as "The Sand Girl", a nickname that had overshadowed my given name and ruled over my life. 

It was evident to everyone that I was different. I heard the whispers in the hallway as I passed by, the whispers exchanged between "normal" people at the lunch table next to me. I heard the snickers and saw the pitiful glances teachers gave me in their classes. 

I was a bright student, Honor Roll at worst and gifted at best. Contrary to popular belief, school was not my passion. It was just the environment in which I had been taught to grow into, to flourish in. I lived for those beach strolls, those ocean swims, the times when I could close my notebook and spend hours roarming the beach. Alone. Just me and the waves, the servant and her master. 

But the best thing about the beach were the shells. Little fragments of the past, who had survived the journey from across the world and many rough waves that flung it to and fro, hard chips that had scraped the bottom of boats and grazed the arms of swimmers. More likely than not, it had been slammed on the sand many times, only to be drug out to the water again and endure that for hours, until finally someone came along and picked it up, rescuing it from the water. 

The sand was wonderful, too. Something about the warmth and the way it filled every gap between my toes, even spilling onto the top of my feet as well as providing a thick shoe for the sole made it the best sensation in the world. I couldn't explain it to anyone who hadn't felt the power of the sea, but it seemed to hum with power, vibrate with strength. 

It was addicting, really. Once you've connected with something that deeply, it's hard to leave it behind. Even with whispered promises of a return to my beloved friend, the beach, it was hard to pry me away from it. I could easily stay there for hours, even days at a time, relishing in the presence of that power. No human relationship I had ever seen or heard of, much less felt, could even come close to the honor of bearing the name, "The Sand Girl."

But to many, I was only "The Sand Girl", although my close friends and local relatives knew that I had other hobbies, best enjoyed on the beach. My grandma had a painting I had made of the sunset hanging in her bedroom, and my wall was adorned with swimming medals. 

As nice as chlorine pools were, they couldn't rival the raw, salty power of the ocean waves. Sometimes, they spoke to me when I swam, carrying me down current and listening to me, the best gift it has ever given me. Whenever possible, I slipped my swimsuit on and merged with the ocean, allowing it to hold me and carry me wherever I belonged. 

Some believe that their destiny is written in the clouds or spun by the gods and goddesses above. Others think that their fate is buried deeper, in the constellations and planets' orbits above. But I believe that my destiny lies on the beach, buried in the sand and deposited on the shore with every pounding wave. I don't just believe so, I know so. Because the ocean has chosen to speak to me, the Sand Girl.


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Wed Sep 27, 2017 1:35 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

Overall I enjoyed this - you have a nice style, and painted a lovely picture of the narrator both on the beach and in the water. I do have two comments to make, however.

1. The attitude of the other students. I realize she's a little odd because she seems to spend all her time at the beach and doesn't give us any hint that she socializes much with the other students or even that she wants to socialize with the other students. But a) she hasn't told anyone about her gift, so there's no reason for them to actually think she's crazy, and b) she's an honor student, and more than that an athlete who wins lots of medals. I could see the other students maybe being a little surprised at her maintaining a polite distance, but it doesn't seem like enough of a reason for literally all of them to actually ostracize her.

2. "Wrestling with questions about who she is." To be fair to you, this is only because I read your blurb about the story. In that, you say that she's been blessed with a gift but her gift causes her to question who she is. I don't know if you actually intended to go that direction with this story or not, but I don't see it all. Not only does she not question who she is, but she seems quite happy with the way things are! If you didn't intend to go that way, you can ignore this comment. But if the description of the story is any indicator of what you meant to do...well, if you really are planning to expand on this, re: other people saying it's too short, then that's definitely a direction you could take it.




Atticus says...


Hi BlueAfrica! Thanks for the review. A lot of other people have mentioned the other students and their reactions, so I might exaggerate the sand girl's social awkwardness a bit. As for your second comment, I wanted to show that life with this gift had its cons as well. I'll try to even that out a bit more. Thanks for the review!



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Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:34 am
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AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hello! I love the idea that the ocean can choose to speak to people! It's also interesting that you treat the sand and the shells as parts of the beach that the Sand Girl loves just as much as she loves the ocean talking to her. Like, she does have this deep connection to the ocean, but that connection isn't the only reason why she loves being at the beach, and that's so great. I also liked the fact that you gave the Sand Girl activities that she is good at, things that might also be defining if she were not known as the Sand Girl to the town. The way you ended this was amazing, some people look up for guidance, but the Sand Girl prefers to root herself in the ever changing ocean, because it speaks to her, because it has guided her life and loves her.

I wish this had been longer so that I could learn more about the Sand Girl and slip a little bit more into her story. You briefly mention things that only really scratch the surface of the Sand Girl's life, like the fact that people in her school make fun of her and teacher's pity her, how does this affect her relationships with her friends and how she views school and her town? Are there others who the ocean talks to or is it just the Sand Girl? A little bit of expansion and this story could be stellar!

Overall, a fascinating read! I hope you find this helpful!
-Alice




Atticus says...


Thanks Alice! A lot of people have been saying that this should be a little longer, so maybe I'll put a part two up at some point in the future, but I didn't really intend for this to be a complete story, just a fun little read. I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for your time!



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Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:49 am
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erilea wrote a review...



Hi, MJ! Glad to see another one of your stories! Let's get into it. :D

1)

Waves slapped against the shore, and I buried my feet in the warm sand as the salty wind touseled my curls. Water sprayed my freckled face, and I closed my eyes as I listened to the water call to me, sing songs to me.


I have a few issues with this first paragraph. First, the two sentences have [i]exactly the same[i] sentence structure. Try changing it up a bit and read it out loud to see if it's repetitive. Also, the correct spelling is "tousled," not "touseled."

2) The beginning, I feel, is a little cliche. Not because the girl has an affinity for the ocean--that's kinda new to me--but because she's the village "weird girl," who gets left out of all the school cliques and yadda yadda. What makes her different from all the strange heroines in the books? Maybe not everyone thinks she's weird, but her mom hates her because of her difficult habits? Try to think of something that makes her stand out.

3) I agree with TheBlueCat that this could've been longer. There's no real plot, and--dare I say it--a slight bit of info dump. Is there a purpose for creating this? Do you feel like the Sand Girl sometimes? Shows us the meaning behind this story.

That's all I found for your work! I hope you found this review helpful and not too harsh. If you did, PM me and I'll try to fix it. I can't wait to read more of your work! You're churning out these pieces faster than I can review them. :D Keep up the great job!

XOX,
Lupa22




Atticus says...


Thanks Lupa! I see your point about the info dumping, and while there wasn't really a strict point to this, it was just supposed to be a fun read without a deeper meaning. Thanks again!



erilea says...


Ah. Well, you're welcome!



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Wed Sep 20, 2017 6:54 pm
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TheBlueCat says...



Hi MJTucker! This was a great piece that really dragged me into the story! As a writer, I wish it was longer, more of a whole story, but I can see how this is better; just a piece of her life. Nice work though! Hope you will write more like it! :)




Atticus says...


Thanks! I will keep writing in this style, so be on the lookout for those posts!



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Wed Sep 20, 2017 1:56 pm
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DFMaolMoire wrote a review...



I really liked this piece. I'll throw in a recommendation as well - you might want to read 'A Portable Shelter' by Kirsty Logan if you can get your hands on it. Feels thematically quite close to this. A lot of cianalas sort of feeling.

In terms of constructive criticisms, I have few.

As a character's reflection on her place and her relationships with her peers i think it's quite solid. The relationship with the sea is, perhaps, a little underdeveloped. I get the reasons for keeping it mysterious but given this is the comparison against which she looks at her other relationships , and is perhaps the reason she doesn't have particularly effective social relationships with her peers, it might be better to know at least a little about the sea. What, socially does it offer her?

My one worry is that it strays a touch too close to the 'im not like those other girls' territory than you might have intended. I don't think it falls into that, but its a little further that direction than i think it needs to be. To create a bit more clear blue water (no pun intended) between this and that, maybe tell us specifically what is lacking in these other relationships? What, socially, does she get from the ocean? If it's majesty or something, then maybe the reader would want to hear a little more about her alienation from her peers. What degree of insight into that does she have? Have people made an effort to connect to her on her terms? Answers to at least some of these might make it easier to see where she's coming from.

Other than that, I really liked this. Ima read through more of your shots :D




Atticus says...


Thanks! Personally, I think this is the best I've done so far, but you're always welcome to look through my portfolio. Her 'gift' that the ocean gave her was that she could talk to the ocean and listen to her, and she hasn't told anyone about that, so it doesn't affect her social life.



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Wed Sep 20, 2017 3:08 am
Que wrote a review...



Hey MJ! I don't think I've reviewed anything of yours before? Anyway, this was a pretty fun piece! I think you did a pretty nice job with it, but I'm just going to make some comments.

So, uh, here we go!

I had told no one about my ability to speak to the ocean, though it was no secret I spent hours wandering the dunes, almost daily.

This was kind of messing me up during the whole piece. She can speak with the ocean, but she wanders the dunes, she's known as the sand girl. The sand dunes and the ocean seem quite separate and different in my mind, so I have a hard time putting them together. I felt like she should've been either ocean- or sand-centered, but maybe if you just balanced it a little better and gave it more of a "sea-shore" feel, it would work better? I'm not sure, it was just something I noticed.

It was evident to everyone that I was different. I heard the whispers in the hallway as I passed by, the whispers exchanged between "normal" people at the lunch table next to me. I heard the snickers and saw the pitiful glances teachers gave me in their classes.

Why do they pity her and snicker? She's never told anyone that she talks with the ocean, and she's an honors student as well as a fantastic athlete! Is it because she spends hours on the beach? What's weird about that, if they live by the beach, and how would they know? That was kind of confusing, but maybe you have an idea about it.

It was just the environment in which I had been taught to grow into, to flourish in.

This sentence is just kind awkward here- she was taught to grow into a school environment? That doesn't make much sense! I would say something more like, "It was just the environment which I had grown into, taught to flourish in".

The last thing- you're writing in first person, and I want you to take advantage of it so we can know what the Sand Girl is feeling! I know she's calm and peaceful by the ocean, but that doesn't mean she has to be passive. How does she feel about the jerks at school? About her achievements? About the ocean and its gift? Her close relatives? Give me more. :3

Overall, great job! I really loved your descriptions, and this was really kind of calming to read. :)

-Q




Atticus says...


Thanks for the review! I'll go through point by point here.
1. That was a good point. I was treating them as the same general idea, so maybe I should have made that more clear.
2. They snicker at her because she's a loner and doesn't really have any friends, since she doesn't talk to a lot of people. Not very many people know that she swims for a team, and she's very smart, which makes people automatically assume she's a nerd.
3.I just meant that she had been raised into the environment of school and expected to flourish, so I'll change that.

Thanks again for your review!



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Wed Sep 20, 2017 1:40 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Alright, so let's go over a few things first:

Little fragments of the past, who had survived the journey from across the world and many rough waves that flung it to and fro, hard chips that had scraped the bottom of boats and grazed the arms of swimmers.


*flung them to and fro

only to be drug out to the water again


*dragged (sounds more appropriate here)

^ on that note, the whole paragraph is a bit confusing. You go from referring to shells collectively to talking about a general, but singular one that might be pulled out of the water by a person. The shift isn't clearly identified, and it can trip up the flow of the audience as they read through it (as it did to me). I'd advise keeping an eye on your separation of topics there.

even spilling onto the top of my feet as well as providing a thick shoe for the sole


If this is a metaphor, and the sole refers to the sand in-between the toes of Sand Girl, that kind of connection is odd, since the two halves of the above phrase should be the same. Try something like "even spilling onto the top of my feet (providing a thick shoe for the sole)".

...And now I can actually get into this. I haven't reviewed a short story in a while, so I'm kind of happy to be doing it again. In this case, I like what I see. Sand Girl, and her special connection to the sea, fascinates me. She spends her hours in peace and happiness, relishing in all of the comforts that the sea provides, and dedicating her life's work to expressing her love. I wonder if her swimming victories may be due to the graceful hand of the sea, who seems quite pleased with her presence, if only indicated because it afforded her such a gift. It would be nice to learn more about what the sea specifically says to her, and if they are both enamored with each other (basically, an elaboration on the whole servant-master thing), but I like her attuned nature with such things as the shells, sand, and waves. They allow me to develop a more complete picture as to the relationship between the Sand Girl and the ocean, after all.

Otherwise, I'm not sure there's much else to say. I don't find it much of a curse that she should become the Sand Girl. Sure, she gets laughed at by students, and pitied by the teachers, particularly if she's told any of them that she can hear the sea. However, she has plenty of hobbies and skills, and she's also bright, so it's not as though her life is void of opportunities to be made in the world. Heck, the sea, by its power, could possibly sustain her, mentally and physically, if all else were to fail. She seems content with her situation, if anything, thanks to her neutral tone when talking about other people view her, and I can't really criticize her for that. She's definitely in a more sure position than most anyone else about what she loves and cares for, as indicated by the final paragraph (which, might I add, is in a different tense than the other paragraphs, and doesn't fit together that well with the rest; it might be better to keep it in the past tense). Nevertheless, this is an introspective and contemplative short story about a unique relationship, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Great job!




Atticus says...


Hi TheSilverFox! I added that paragraph in later to make it a bit longer, so if it didn't fit that well and flow smoothly, that's why. I appreciated your grammatical notes, and your thoughts on it were certainly interesting and I'll keep it in mind during future writing. I didn't mean to make it seem that she disliked it, she was just pointing out some of the hardships. Otherwise, thank you for your time, and have a great rest of your night!




Remember the rain that made your corn grow.
— Haitian Proverb