Young Writers Society

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, to start off this review the first thing I had noticed was that the first line would make more sense if you to use the word bloom instead of flower. It would flow better off of the tongue. A few lines here and there are in dire need of joining the comma club so I will list thoughs line and then continue into the poems meaning, that is, if I get it right!

1. "you twisted my heart with your words" this line is the first to join the club, a comma needed after the word "words"

2. "i held on to your honey-sweet words" this line may sound thoughts you would put "when" or while" instead of "until"

Otherwise everything else was great and the flow was pretty good.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, about how person you loved, trusted and dated one night just abandoned you. They feed you sweet, candied words, false hopes. The comforted you and then they broke you into hundreds of tiny glass shards and whoever tries to help you will just get cut as well. Maybe.

Overall I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Good evening!

So, as a whole, I like this poem. The manipulator and his games are fascinating, as he charms and warms the heart of the narrator in what ultimately turns out to be a farce, presumably so he could abandon her and pursue yet another romance. The emotional development and shifts in the poem suits the subject matter, working with vivid metaphors to convey the effect of the manipulator in awakening the narrator and granting them light, followed by the subsequent betrayal and breakdown of the narrator. I'm not entirely sure I can understand the moon metaphor, as it doesn't appear to be directly associated with him to the point that I can call it his own compliments. It could be the rest of the world, or maybe the close circle of friends/associates to either the narrator or the manipulator, whom the manipulator used to further motivate the narrator by amplifying the flattery granted to the narrator. It may also - and this is more simple, so, by Occam's Razor, it's more likely to be correct - be the narrator's self-esteem, intensifying under the newfound praise, and thus giving her life. Eh, I'm not exactly sure, but I can say it's a solid metaphor, and effectively referred to at the end, when the narrator is broken and hides from that beautiful light.

Honestly, if there's one thing I'd like to see, it's more descriptions/metaphors pertaining to the manipulator. He's left largely hollow and undefined, and I'd like to see more of his charming nature, particularly since he could wrap the narrator's heart around his finger (so to speak, of course). Maybe there could be an elaboration on "empty words...false hopes", so that the audience can better understand the narrator's entrapment, and perhaps the day in which it all comes crashing down. Regardless, the poem is pretty solid, especially in the ties between the brighter and darker parts of the piece, and even the unique style and punctuation has appropriate pauses and a whisper-like effect (given the state of the narrator, that makes perfect sense). I'm not sure if the em-dashes need necessarily belong before and after the italics, since it's quite clear who's speaking the lines, and the pauses are unnecessary; the audience's pauses between lines should be an appropriate substitute, in my opinion. Nevertheless, this was a sad and well-written poem, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Well done!

Hey there Lupa!

This is a beautifully sad poem. I knew from the first line that this flower's bloom would be short lived (convinced being past tense, and almost implying a sense of regret), but then I looked up the title and learned something new. I didn't know that a night-blooming cereus was a flower, but I think you chose a very interesting image to use as a metaphor for short-lived, quickly snuffed out flames of unrequited love. Though I've never felt the pain myself, I know that when love is not returned, especially if the other person seems to lead you on, or persuade you to open up and hope that it may work, is a very deep and painful experience for the heart. It's a very particular breed of heartbreak, a hope quickly taken, a love quickly rejected.

It touches on one of the main longings of the human heart: to be accepted. Though you've filed the poem under romantic, I think even for those who have not been in love can identify with this emotion to some degree. Any kind of intimacy and emotional vulnerability can be scary, for fear of rejection and being misunderstood, and a negative experience where that openness is short lives can result in that flower of hope - hope for being accepted, understood, or whatever it may be - to wilt. I believe these lines most directly touch on that.

i believed in your empty words and orbited around your false hopes.

i, after one night in a desperate love i believed to be real,

lay wilted and forgotten,

oops forgot to submit it as a review, sorry now there's this unnecessary comment

Hey, AJ here for a quick review!

Ooh, I like this. Your poetic style fits this theme nicely!

Just a few comments:

- This is just a personal thing, but I think the 'I's should be capitalized. You can take or leave that suggestion, but I just think it looks a little odd to have them lowercase

- "give the world what you're worth--" I think the last part of this line is awkward. I think the idea is right, but maybe using different words or wording would be better.

- "and under your careful coaxing, i awoke. / i believed in your empty words and orbited around your false hopes." I feel like there should be another line in between these. Something about the way that the "coaxer" acted towards the flower. Along the lines of "your lips dripped honey-sweet drops" or something. I'm sure you will do a better job than me with that.

- "i, after one night in a desperate love i believed to be real," This line was also a bit awkward. Perhaps "One night spent in desparate love, i awoke / lying wilted and forgotten". Again, that's just a suggestion.

- I like the last line! But I feel that I'm still left hanging. In my mind, I envision the flower curling up her petals tightly again, maybe even ashamed or sad.

I like this poem overall! The style matches the theme perfectly, and even thought it's free verse, you still kept with a good rhythm.

Fantabulous work, m'dear!

Keep on writing, and Happy RevMo!

-AJ