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Young Writers Society



Away--Chapter 5

by erilea


    "Tell me what he was like," she demanded.

     They were in her grandmother's truck, backing out of the driveway. Danara winced as they narrowly avoided a scrape with the rusty old mailbox sitting at the edge of the street. Agatha wasn't the best driver in the world.

     "I told you, didn't I?" Her moment of talkativeness was gone, and Aggie was all pursed lips and silence. "He was dreamy. Didn't like me. What else is there to know?"

     Danara stared at her, eyes wide. What else was there to know? Everything, she wanted to scream. Why did he have to die? Why didn't he like her grandmother? Did he ever say he loved her? There were so many questions she had, but when she tried to talk, a lump rose in her throat and she had to swallow hard.

     They continued driving, passing scenic forests and fields. Danara gazed out the window blankly, staring at the landscape passing by. They swept by a couple of massive trees, their trunks taking up the span of their two windows.

     After a few moments, her grandmother looked over at her, gaze softening. "Ah, I suppose that was a silly question. You do want to know more, don't you?"

     Danara nodded vigorously.

     "Okay. It's quite a long story. I surely can't tell it in one day, there are just too many details to know. There's a lot of information that's entwined in the story, Danara." 

     She didn't care. She wanted to know more. Her mother, for some reason, had never told her much. At her house, there were pictures, but only a few. Her father was a mystery in her life that had never been unraveled, like a giant knot that Danara had the job of untangling. I suppose I need some help, then, she thought to herself.

     "Can't say I didn't warn you," Aggie said gruffly. They pulled along the side of the street, on a hill overlooking a glistening lake. 

     Serene water lapped against the bottom of the hill. The water was clear and a slight bluish-green. A thin path wound around the perimeter of the lake, ending at a sloping boardwalk leading to the top of the hill where they were parked. It was lovely... but Danara had other things to worry about. She had to focus.

     They got out slowly, not without some complaints about arthritis from her grandmother's part, and after many impatient seconds they made their way down the hill and began walking around the lake. While they walked, Agatha began talking.

     "Your mother, Abby, used to be very much like you. She was quite headstrong sometimes--" At this, Danara bristled, but Aggie waved it off with a laugh, and she relaxed again. "--and she always knew what she wanted. A businesswoman-like child, just like her career now. Sometimes she wasn't satisfied with where she was; most of the time she pushed for more.

     "I raised her an independent woman, a person able and resourceful. Of course, most women were viewed as helpless at the time, and I never let Abby see that stereotype for as long as she was with me. She didn't rely on men to provide happiness, that is."

     Agatha continued on about Danara's mother, and Danara about glazed over. This wasn't what she had wanted. She had wanted information about her father. But she had interrupted only once, to ask where her father fit into all this, and Aggie had snapped, "I'm getting to that part, although I never will if you interrupt me for questions like that!"

     So Danara remained silent and listened to knowledge about her mother that she didn't want to know.


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Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:43 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi again, managed to get myself involved in a race to 100 reviews with Nikayla XD

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Why did he have to die? Why didn't he like Agatha?

It might be nice here to hear some of the other questions she has. Could be a good characterisation moment.

She wanted to know more. Her mother, for some reason, had never told her much.

I'll admit it's a while since I last read this, but I assumed you'd already told us this. In the last chapter, it felt like a big plot point. If you have told us earlier, it doesn't need reinforced, if you haven't, you probably should have.

Overall:

Character: Danara is a really good character. I get her hardships and her hopes and her personality. I get frustrated at her for snapping, but I can see why she does it. Her grandmother seems really cool too, though I would like to see Danara conjecturing about her thoughts at some point, because I feel like she's a bit far away from me at the moment.

Setting: You slip details in really well and work them into characterisation. Good job!

Plot: You have managed to get me as interested as Danara in information about her father. If this is the first time coming up though (which I'd assumed it wasn't) then I think that would be less powerful. Some build-up and hinting would be really really helpful if this was the case.

Hope this helps and see you at chapter 6,
Biscuits :)




erilea says...


Thanks for the review! :D



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Sun Mar 26, 2017 1:20 am
regismare wrote a review...



Hi, Lupa22! regismare here to review this chapter! I haven't read the previous chapters, so apologies if I miss any references or plot points.

I did really enjoy reading this chapter, and I especially liked how well-formed the characters seem to be. You've written them very well and you appear to know them very well and you get their dialogue and interactions very solidly. They're consistent and you constantly add to them as the chapter goes on so they constantly get built up and we get a better image and feeling of them.

One thing I'd recommend changing would be the amount of description. The settings could be made much more clear in this, with uses of metaphors or similes or just a wider range of language, especially while they're driving. You could use it to get a better sense of mood and atmosphere too, by using things like pathetic fallacy to convey mood with the weather. You could also focus on the physical senses to add a better sense of feeling to your chapter.

Finally, I found this chapter a little too short for my liking. It seems like it's not long enough to fit everything in, and your world suffers because of it. Add a few more words, a little more description, more context, the usual.

Now, for the nitpicks:

backing out from the driveway

It should be of rather than from.

At this, Danara bristled, but Aggie waved it off with a laugh, and she relaxed again.

I think that maybe this should be on a different line to make it clearer. This acts kind of like a response or reply to the prior dialogue, so it'd be easier to read if it were on a different paragraph.

Though this was a short chapter, it was a really enjoyable read. I hope my review was helpful to you in some way!

-regismare




erilea says...


Thank you so much for the review! ^.^



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Tue Mar 21, 2017 5:04 pm
Linguistic wrote a review...



Hey, Anna here for a review! So I haven't read any of the chapters before this one, so forgive me if I get something wrong, but here we go.

So a lot of people don't like starting immediately with dialogue, but I think your first sentence is made better by it. It kind of hooks me in a way starting without dialogue probably wouldn't. She "demands" to know what this mysterious "he" was like, so the reader instantly wants to know more.

And although I like the dialogue, I don't really know much about where the speakers are at the current moment. Maybe you touched on that in the last chapter, but if not, add a little something. If can be put behind the dialogue, even. Like "she demanded to know, foot stomping down angrily on the carpeted floor of the living room" (I don't know, that wasn't very good, but you get the point).

And as it goes through the chapter, the writing is good, the dialogue still hooks me, but maybe add a little more description about the surroundings. I never add enough either, but when I read other people's work it's easy for me to notice that more is needed. It's a good piece without more description, but it could be a great piece with.

So then it gets down to the end, and Danara seems upset that the grandma is talking about the mom instead of the dad. Why doesn't she want to know about her mom? Did they have a bad relationship? Obviously some of that would be answered if I read the previous chapters, but even so, there should be a little more of an explanation in there somewhere.

I like this! This chapter made me want to read the chapters that come before. Good luck with your writing!

Let me know if you have any questions about my review :)




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Thu Mar 09, 2017 2:59 am
RoseTulipLily says...



This was an okay chapter, I guess, and like the previous ones, it helps set up the story. It would be nice if they were longerm though. Nonetheless, I look forward to the next chapter :)





In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost