It is not my job to steal the stars for you.
I should not have to snatch them from the sky and drop them in your hands,
Watching as they light you up with a false glow
That you don’t deserve.
...
I do not want to stitch the moon on my chest for you,
Right where my heart would be,
Because I know you would like to pretend
That I am whole, that if I act like I am shining inside,
You will shine too.
...
I do not want to glitter like the sun,
Blinding you to all my imperfections, because even the sun
Has sunspots—places where it is too dark to glow
Like the sun usually does.
...
I should not have to become the image of perfection,
A night sky too bright to be real.
I want to be the epitome of the earth—
A rock that cannot be moved,
A plant forever thriving, unhindered by the shadows,
Its leaves pointing toward an everlasting morning.
Wow! Very interesting.
I wouldn't change the first stanza, at all. Maybe, in the second one, you could say 'That I am whole, that if I act like I am shining inside, you know the light will reflect off of you', or something like that, a bit like he/she is stealing your light, if you know what I mean. Third stanza - amazing!
Last stanza, I would say it's a bit confusing - first you're a rock, then a plant. But keep up the good work!
Great poem -APPLAUSE- . One part that really stands out to me is the last part. It gives a quick summary of the whole thing without ruining the beat of the poem. However, I just wanted to give you a little science lesson. When I read the line " I want to be the epitome of the Earth- a rock that cannot be moved" my geek side came to life... I MUST SERVE THE GEEK SIDE!!!! Anyway.... The Earth is actually constantly moving, revolving around the Sun and rotating on it's axis in a galaxy moving at 1.3 million miles an hour.
Until The End
-Ari
Hi Lupa22, Becca here for a quick review.
I've read at least one of your other poems, and I'm impressed by your maturity and how eloquently you write about everyday things.
I love your opening line:
It is not my job to steal the stars for you.
I thought thisI do not want to stitch the moon on my chest for you
was kind of confusing.that if I act like I am shining inside/You will shine too.
Mate ! Concept is good. But poem is not first rate. It is not a good poetry. English is a flaw in itself, and if you can't use words properly you will end up with some crap. I hope you won't mind but it is truth. Poetry is about feeling, try to feel your piece. If you can feel then don't lack in thinking. Try to think like a poet. Feel it inside your pounding heart. Increase your heart beat while writing a piece.
I am not saying what you have written is bad, it is good, but try to write in a constructive way. Read poems and try to write one in a rhythmic pattern.
Keep up the good work mate!!!!!
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