Young Writers Society

So! I've reached the last of these already but I'll explain anyway. I was hoping to check in with my SB Crew kids this month and then between NaNo and too much real life stuff, I just haven't had the chance. So I figured since I'm determined to finish NaNo I'd at least write a review for everyone. Here goes number 10

Specifics

1. I feel like the first stanza is a contradiction - it starts with the statement that this 'you' person's heart is all but broken but the next question of where did your spirit go doesn't fit with that. Someone who has managed to hold on to the last remnants of hope and keep the despair at bay seems to me to have a very strong spirit. It also seems that the persona wants this person to be broken since they're suggesting if the 'you' were merciful they'd be broken at the altar? I'm definitely finding the first stanza confusing/ hard to follow.

2.

you begin to recover the moment you say
'i don't think this is working.'

Ah, I knew I remembered this from somewhere. It amazes me that NaPo ended almost five months ago. o-o

From what I can see, the narrator is loving, and it shows beautifully here. They sharply and bluntly question the loss of the drive of the other person, doing so in a way that shows both exasperation and despair. It's a nice way to dive into the narrator's head, as the audience can discern that they are distraught by the destruction of what may have been a solid spirit, but now can find no more joy. This is emphasized over the next two stanzas. The narrator attempts to provide a metaphor that may symbolize how energy can be begat from where it had been dormant, raising a man back to clarity and liveliness. As such, it's the narrator's way of prodding the other person into finding their inner fire, and the former imagines and rebuts a retort of the latter, who is not so eager to be coaxed into the light, by casting aside the metaphor and pursuing a direct tactic. This helps point out that the other person has been plagued by past troubles and fears, and that their issues are an internal, self-destructive struggle that can only be resolved when they directly acknowledge and address it. Those two lines (one eponymous) are the most profound, and also the most tragic, since internal struggles can be much more complicated and harder to watch than external ones. What do you do when there seems to be so little you, as an observer and outsider, can do?

In such an instance, I actually have to wonder if the last stanza is really necessary, though I see more reason to keep it than note. The previous stanza ends on a sharp epiphany and finishes the crescendo; but, since this appears to be a relationship of some intimacy, maybe a quieter ending is better. It does express hope, indicating that the narrator will be there to place their hand upon the other person, and will give them advice and remain a good friend/lover. Alternatively, it could imply that whatever fame/hopes/dreams the other person may be striving for will eventually be accomplished, and that their worries and stories will be resolved more happily. Either way, it's a peaceful and calm ending, but I don't know how well it attaches itself to the previous stanza. It seems tangentially related, as one suggests that the other person stop and think, while the other indicates the much different topic that the other person may eventually receive some kind of external validation (unless it's a commentary on the other person reading their own letters/struggles in contemplation in the future and coming to terms with themselves) though they both ultimately express words of advice. You might need to work on connecting them better, so as to build a solid narrative between the internal and external validation of the other person, or specifying the kind of validation in the final stanza? Regardless, this is a marvelous poem that I enjoyed reading from start to finish - well done!

Hi there Lumi. This is Kays here delving in for another review during Review Week on this lovely Sunday night. I am a simple girl. I see Lumipoem, I click. That being said, let's begin, shall we?

I can see that this one is on the shorter side maxing out at four slim stanzas which is a'okay. The poetic voice in this poem I have to say is quite strong especially starting out in the first stanza and that's probably one of the more shining elements when examining this. While the last three lines of the first stanza aren't all that unique on your end and while mourning/sheets/altar repetition doesn't connect too much logically, in the flow is where that shines because the flow connects those three different nouns and ties them together.

The first two lines in the first stanza are what I prefer because of the emotional weight behind the question that comes in the second line and the power of the 'all but broken' is also to be admired. I'd consider playing around with the last three lines of the first stanza to make them better connected so that we as the readers aren't jumping around from sheets to an altar but that's optional and again, the flow makes these lines work even though that jump is a jump taken from the bedroom window to the neighbor's house next door.

The second stanza is more logically connected with the islands forming and more imagery-based than based in emotional weight although I glanced over the poem before I took a seat down to actually read and I did not expect the line in italics to be as strong as the line in italics is. Holy bologna Lumi--that is automatically like-earning for the amount of pure punch that comes with that. As for the last two stanzas--I'm not as fond as I am of the peak of the poem which is the line that came from your harto--that's a absolute lie. The response the speaker makes to the other person in the poem is lovely.

The last stanza however confuses a little? Consider chopping that part off (or not) but I felt more of a strong and lasting effect when that's not there though those lines may have particular significance that's wanted in the piece such as the fact that 'you' writes letters to himself by the night or that the fact that somebody will read these letters. I assume this means that the person perhaps is writing a log and what I'm imagining by the end of the last stanza is the other person writing letters to himself in his log by the shore in a small hut because that's his job although that's my interpretation and I'd like to hear your own meaning and themes that you meant for the readers to perceive because I'd like to see the contrast.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

What I see in this poem is that it is a poem written to the self about individuality. It is saying, in essence, that because we all come from the same source, we cannot be individual, and even as we scream that we are individual, we all say that, so we are not. It makes an irony of Yes, and No at the same time. On the one hand, someone is claiming that we are not unique, and by claiming that we are unique, we are, in fact, unoriginal.

I feel like the clarity doesn't get going until the second stanza though. The "you are broken" sections of this poem ring out as something odd, almost untrue in a way. It is an open that doesn't quite tie into the rest of the poem. Broken by what? By whom? I see the first stanza as saying "you are a wretched beast who has no fire" and yet the rest of the poem is talking about this island metaphor. I'm having a hard time connecting the two of them.

The last stanza is the clearest for the meaning of the poem and the one that saves it from being a melodrama about "You" because we find out that it is a letter to themselves, and that allows us to see it as someone who was accusing themselves of being a broken, heartless, soulless man who just wants to be individual, and yet cannot be because he claims to be. I think the hardest part about this is that the two parts of the poem really don't flow together that well and although we have this tie, we don't have any specifics about the individual.

The third stanza is a little confusing. What does it have to do with the metaphor as well? I feel like it has more to do with the first stanza than the second, and yet it is the recall from the shouting in the second stanza. This contradiction, this change, makes it difficult to see how that would come up in conversation about an island metaphor. I feel like I'm missing a few pieces of this puzzle.

Overall, I like the poem's use of language, like always with you. I think you write smoothly, but where your clarity is concerned, I think you need to work on the connections and individuality of the situations.

Heyo heyo! I'm on a reviewing spree!
So first off this "you are broken in the mourning," should be morning, otherwise the wording needs a change, example "you are broken when you're mourning" also in the same stanza. Also, there's a lot of capitalization issues in general but that may be stylistic, however, I have a feeling it's not. and you may yell back from this part of the ocean
no man is an island! i am not your metaphor!
and i say <--- starting a sentence with and. Also there is no context as to what "this part of the ocean" is. I like the "no man is an island! i am not your metaphor!" part a lot though. "and i say

you begin to recover the moment you say
'i don't think this is working.'" Why is the pov character saying this? There's a big lack of context, and this feels a bit too vague. In general, I think the whole poem feels very vague.
I like the general feeling but it feels like it jumps around a bit. Of course, maybe that's the point. Well, that's my humble review!