Young Writers Society

1. Yes, I know this poem is from June, I just wanted to review something of yours and this is the newest one that I could find.

2. This is rated 16+ so I'm old enough to read it, so there.

...

Yep, this is not in your normal style, but it works anyway. After a day spent reading The Prologue in Heaven in Faust and trying to compare it to Job 1:1-12, I can easily adjust into the Biblical allusions attested to at the end of the poem. They add a more complex and twisting color, but that isn't to say the rest of the poem isn't phenomenal. It's passionate and romantic, demonstrating great skill and spirit. I love the description and metaphor of rain, and, though I am not used to somewhat blatant descriptions of intimacy, it works all the same. I'd say my favorite line here would be "we love ways forbidden and how sweet it is/(to be loved by you)." I read the part in parentheses quietly, and it thus connects to how secret the concept of forbidden love inevitably has to be, as well as provides a romantic charm.

There's not much I can say that isn't praise. You've always impressed me as a more capable and imaginative poet than I, and this poem, unorthodox as it is to your usual style, is well-written. If I am to criticize anything, it is that I am not a big fan of the gap between "All that 's to say/you make me ache," and I think it would be more apt if they were more closely connected. Beyond that, whether in the fascinating contrast between hot pink and black, the metaphor of the "bouquet of similes", and the allegory/allusions that follow the appropriate line "Allegory!", I find the flow refined, the language effective, and the tone strong. The allegories themselves strike me with curiosity, because I remember the way that Samson was ultimately betrayed, and how Abel was murdered by his brother. As such, both provide a sour/sad undercurrent to an otherwise happy piece, so that I find the poem ends leaving me questioning if this happy relationship is really going to last. However, it is an exceptional and surprising finish, catching the reader off-guard and leaving them to contemplate, and is on par with the high quality of the rest of the piece. All in all, well done!

awe lumi i can't read it because the image is blocked :c can you write it in a writerfeed pad for me please <3 i want to read your work :3

Hey there Lumi! Becca here for a review. I hope I can repay you the favor, since you've offered me quite the review in the past!

I loved this poem. I thought it was interesting that you used a common song, and turned it on its head. I think on the surface, this reads as a beautiful love poem. But, anyone with a bit of biblical knowledge would realize there's something a bit off with the kind of love presented in the poem. For example, Samson's love for Delilah leads to his downfall, as does Abel's love for his brother Caine. They are loves that are not reciprocated. One loves the other more, and the other abuses that love.

I did like the use of "the poets," "bouquet of similes," and "allegory" --making the poem meta but not for meta's sake.

I definitely felt the author's yearning in the first stanza, and we didn't yet know how the recipient of this love feels.

The second stanza introduces some notes of (potential) discord-- "we make our own rhythms," "hands on ass," (that one could really go either way, but for some reason to me it seemed suspicious) and "love ways forbidden." So either these are good noteworthy or bad noteworthy, but definitely outliers from the "norm".

In the third stanza, the speaker is downright forthright about their yearning "you make me ache," (which I found chilling, in a good way). I adored the line "threadbare and neon pink in the blackness" --a specific detail, presumably of the speaker's love interest, as a metaphor for that softness and brightness through bleakness.

I think you executed the use of repetition here wonderfully. In the first stanza, "the rain" and the "let" repetition build up positive emotions. Then at the end, the "i love you" repetition is sordid.

Some questions: Is there a reason why it's "we love ways forbidden" and not "we love in ways forbidden"? Is there a reason why "all that's to say" has its own line? I thought the line about the love interest telling the speaker "you love me and cut the meaning down/you present me with a bouquet of similes" was kind of evasive and an abstraction. Could this be punchier? Could I get that feeling of unrequited/unequal love earlier i.e. before the last stanza? Why did you include Mary in here? Maybe I missed the biblical allusion which is very possible...

Overall I thought it was a beautiful poem that really conveyed longing, with notes of sadness. Hope to read more of your writing. Please PM me if you'd like to discuss further/had any questions/want feedback on revisions.

Hey lum berry,

(grinding to post a thing)

You probably know this, but I just generally like your writing style. It is concise without being bland, that is to say you manage to use imagery (lots of it) without it being tangential. I guess I would start by saying this poem actually does feel like your own writing style. Maybe you paint a different picture than you normally would or you use different vocabulary, but overall it reads and sounds mostly the same. Moving on (this is where I wish i knew how to quote things), I enjoyed the way you worded your first two verses. Your sentences can be crude at times (sometimes they simply don't offer much or could be worded better) but I see this as a necessary sacrifice in order to keep the sort of groove you have with this. I do believe the last verse is not needed. You're basically saying the same thing in a different way. You're re stating in a straightforward way what you implied so well in the first two verses, and while i do like the wording, it kind of breaks the poem. I guess this poem would work well with straightforward dialogue, but you seem to do both (implication and straightforwardness) and that doesn't feel well in my eyes.

Anywho, good job man. Its been a while since i've read your stuff. Keep it up.

-poop guy