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E - Everyone

ix - is there a way out

by CaptainJack

everyone asks the question when they reach their own stopping point.

is there any way out of this place?
i'll do whatever you want me to do.
i'll fight demons to the death or a
swim in the most corrupted river,
capturing the flag atop a reptile.

this mind knows of no way out of
the final loop, just reliving the time
that is thrown back again and again.

leave us to suffer, for interference 
will only make it worse.  leave me to
my misery and let me live within this
freedom, that no one else can find.

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99 Reviews

Points: 149
Reviews: 99

Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:58 pm
Xorsudite wrote a review...

For start, we need to work on the title. Saying such a thing out loud isn't very convincing. You say you're trying to avoid clichés: well, this is one of them. As you progress through this novel, I would recommend coming up with something catchy, memorable, and true to the story. Moving on...

I thought this excerpt was abysmal.

For the most part, this excerpt is PURE dialogue. While dialogue is by no means a bad thing, it NEEDS to be balanced out with narrative--and vice versa. Even worse, it never specifies whom is saying what; this effectively causes confusion.

Also, who the hell is Pi? I would add a brief paragraph describing his/her appearance as well as his/her relationship with Emira. And who the hell is Emira talking to in the second scene? At LEAST give us a name.

All the characters shown thus far are very one-dimensional. I see that Emira is sassy and sarcastic, but she still needs more depth. Throughout the first scene, I would add multiple verbal and non-verbal interactions between Emira and Pi to highlight their personality traits, quirks, interests, as well as establish their relationship. For instance, after Emira gets out of bed, Pi could help Emira get dressed and glammed up--all the while exchanging idle chatter. Same goes for Emira and her unnamed partner; said partner needs more attention to draw out his/her personality.

Lastly, as you progress through this novel, I would recommend taking time to describe what kind of world planet Isargh is--through showing an not telling.

Pros: Scene construction was well put together.
Cons: Bad, wordy title. All dialogue, NO narrative. ZERO description. Shallow characters. Not much emotion.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

January 26, 2140 /*::*/ Log 1

I have never before written a log and I am going to try and avoid any cliche points, but this really is a story you must hear. (too damn wordy. Also, WHY is this a story we must hear? Show, don't tell) /*This will be my first log ever written.*/ To understand the current events, (redundant. Explanations are for understandings. So cut to the explanation) I must take you back to my birth, six thousand, two hundred, twenty-six /*6226*/ years ago (for multi-digit numbers, I would recommend just typing out the numbers--if nothing else, to trim the excess suet). This event happened on the planet Isargh, a place far away from the Earth my readers know. I lived on Isargh/*, a planet lightyears from Earth's solar system,*/ until I was sixteen and that day is where this story begins. /*That was when everything changed.*/

"Mistress, wake up/*,*/ mistress. We must be going. The festivities are starting in 3 /*three*/ (for single-digit numbers, typing them in print is fine, since they don't drag out like multi-digit numbers) hours and you haven't even gotten out of bed yet (redundant. Where else would someone with the title of mistress be sleeping?)."

"Why the panick attack, Pi?/*" I quipped. "*/ It's just the anniversary festivities."

"Exactly, madam. And you only have three hours, just three and not days either."

"Alright, alright./*" I grumbled as I slid off the side of my bed. "*/ I'm getting up, is that enough to shut you up for a bit/*?*/"

"No, why would you possibly th-"

"You don't get jokes do you, Pi? This celebration means everything to me/*,*/ too."

"Oh yes. Certainly/*,*/ Princess Em-"

"It's Queen Emira now, or at least it will be at the end of the festivities. Now/*,*/ we best be going, I do not want to be late."

(Is she going to go out in her night gown!? I'd add a dress-up scene right here)

The courtyard was so beautiful and grand that day (what does the courtyard look like?) and I will never be able to forget those smiles. The day of my coronation had come and the crown I had been promised for years would be mine. It would not go to any of my siblings or cousins, but to me, the one who had kept the respect of the family. In the fairy tales/*,*/ everyone always talks about everything being perfect. Unfortunately, this day wa-"


"HOLD ON! Just hold on for one minute. Why are you telling me all of this /*, Emira*/? Why me, why did you choose me for your special project?"

"Why do you think I chose you /*, Insert Name Here*/? (I would put right here why Emira chose this person) I would not just choose some random human author."

"Human?/*" what's-her-face shot back. "*/ Are you really an alien or just some crazed, eccentric author who wants help with her book?"

"Being an author was just a role, in a play to me./*" I explained. "*/ For six thousand years I have been on this planet and I have watched civilizations rise and fall like the tides. Do you get bored after working on one project for a couple months?"

"Well, of course I do./*" What's-her-face said understandingly. "*/ As does any person on the planet."

"That is why I picked up the role of an author,/*" I said. "*/to /*To*/ tell my story through fiction but/*. But*/ I also need your help."

"And why is that?"

"If you would just keep your mouth shut, I am getting to that. Now where was I? Oh yes. On that fateful day everything changed. I met an intergalactic thief."

"What was his name?" /*What's-her-face asked*/

"His name was Gray/*,*/ for the powers he possesed /*possessed*/. The power to control the weather."

Overall, I like the idea of repeatedly switching between novel and real life, but...well, see above. As your imagination and creativity evolves, so too will this novel.

CaptainJack says...

Now don't take this as rude but I'm not sure who you are, who you think you are, or how you even stumbled across this damn piece. I mean if it had been a couple more days, I would have taken down all of my old chapters from when I didn't have one freaking clue. This was back before I even wrote anything.
And let me give you a piece of advice. You have got to be nicer in your reviews. Normally I don't react this way to reviews because I've written enough of them myself. But your attitude towards the author is going to make them be pissed at you, no matter if your edits are good or not.
Some of your points are good but the presentation is crap which makes me judge your review. This is for the most part one of my worst works ever and I don't need to be reminded of it. Everything I wrote in January 2016 and before was crap. I'm in the process of taking it all down because I don't want to remember the black marks.

Thanks for the review. And for the love of a being I don't believe in, please try to be nicer to the next author you encounter.
Thank you and have a nice day.

Xorsudite says...

Now now, dear, no need to get emotional; just contributing to the organisation. Everyone has their own critiquing style, which we must all respect. Some people butter the potato. Me? I give the habanero. That said, nothing personal; just business. Also, no rudeness taken. [Shrugs] "Rude" is a matter of perspective, really.

I think I'm someone whom will bring absolute wonders to this community, as long as mine reviews are dead on and professional. As for how I found this? Cccccan't remember, honestly; had it bookmarked for quite a while.

It's because I'm nice that I graced this excerpt with a review. If I did not believe you had the potential to become something better, we would not be having this pleasant chatter. [Shrugs] That said, no advice needed. Also, it pleases me to see you berate your work--for any writer whom thinks their work is top-notch is losing their edge. Don't try to forget the black marks; hold them tightly--and if preferred, where only you can see them. They may sting, but they will make you stronger.

"This was back before I even wrote anything." In that case, I'm curious to see what you have now.

You're very welcome, mine sensitive padowan, and keep practising.

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93 Reviews

Points: 3737
Reviews: 93

Thu Jun 23, 2016 11:38 am
Laurenh6 says...

This is so awesome oh my god!! :D

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475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:12 pm
Apricity wrote a review...

Hey there, Hiraeth here for a review.

Since this work is comprised of mostly dialogue, let's take a look at your dialogue. Your dialogue at the moment is sort of confusing and flat, this is mostly because it's lacking tags and without tags we don't know who's talking. Tags can be an incredibly powerful tool if used correctly, so can dialogue. It's one of the best tools to characterize characters, but at the same time it's also a hard one to master. So no stress. There's something called talking heads when it comes to dialogue, it basically means two characters talking back and forth with no variation and that's what's happening here. You need to add in some variation to mix it up a bit, take a look here so you know what not to do when you're writing dialogue. This article is also quite good in terms of giving tips to writing good dialogue. Now that's out of the way.

You should also consider expanding and fleshing out the characters a bit more, all I know is that Emira is about to become Queen. And I'm assuming that Pi is her servant? If she's telling us about her story, shouldn't we at least know who Emira is? Suspense is good, but too much suspense and it becomes confusion. I have trouble empathizing with Emira because I know literally nothing about her. Spending a bit more time on the process of the coronation would also be beneficial, why is she been coronated, is she the princess of a nation?

Then you jumped switch to the Queen talking to you the author? What's going on? I'm unsure as to why you changed, so has the Queen been talking to you the author or us the reader? >_> I'm so confused. The jump was incredibly sudden and jolted me out of the story Emira was telling on top of that I don't know if that author part was truly necessary though, because the meat of this chapter seems to be Gray. This thief who posses the power to control the weather.

I'm sorry if this review was harsh, Gray seems like a really interesting character and it's an interesting way you've decided to tell this tale. If you've got any questions, feel free to ask me.



CaptainJack says...

I have been meaning to thank you for the review for a long time. Sorry if it was too confusing and I knew that I needed to find away to fix the dialog. Emira is telling this whole story to an author on Earth for reasons I call, boredom. I probably should have said more about Gray but I was going to give him his own chapter. Thanks for the review. Unfortunately I probably will not continue the series.

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63 Reviews

Points: 3469
Reviews: 63

Sun Jan 31, 2016 12:52 pm
cpedro wrote a review...

Hello lizzybookclubqueen1, here for a review!

So, I don't know if you intend on having this little bit as a prologue or a synopsis. Either way, it's purpose is to introduce your story, so if I must be quite honest, it does lack a bit. Yes, you give out a general idea about it being science fiction and you spike the curiosity when she says she was born that many years ago, but other than that there isn't much to grabb onto. You don't give out much information so the reader is left completely blank, without knowing what to expect. Maybe if you gave out a little more description or explain better the reasons to why she felt the need to pose as an author and tell her story and why she is on earth, it would make it better.

Having said that, regardless, the premise to the story does sound interesting so I'll be sure to follow it!

Keep writing!

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150 Reviews

Points: 4449
Reviews: 150

Thu Jan 21, 2016 5:44 am
writerkitty wrote a review...

Okay, first of all wow! I love it! :D
This is amazing!
Princess Emira 's narrating the story and that's pretty cool. The dialogue between her and Pi was pretty good. But I didn't understand where they were talking, I mean I know that they're in Isragh, but where? in a palace? You could add a little more description there.

"The courtyard was so beautiful and grand that day and I will never be able to forget those smiles. The day of my coronation had come and the crown I had been promised for years would be mine. It would not go to any of my siblings or cousins, but to me, the one who had kept the respect of the family. In the fairy tales everyone always talks about everything being perfect. Unfortunately, this day wa-"

After the conversation between Pi and princess Emira you mentioned the above paragraph. Um, I did get a little confused there. I mean first you took the reader back in time, and we met the princess and Pi. And there was a conversation between them; that part was pretty clear.
But this, is princess Emira narrating a story which happened to her; are we back in the present when we reach this paragraph?
You could notify us when you're talking about different situations that happened in the past and the present.
Maybe you can use something like, "Okay, now let's go back to the present."

The latter part of the story is pretty great too,
I love the way you build up your dialogue. It has enough information, not too long and had a humorous edge. :D
But again I felt like it's better if you tell the reader where you're story is taking place again, because we feel a little lost. Try to add a bit more descriptions about the surrounding and all.

Overall this is great. And is this the first chapter?
Anyway, good job and keep on writing!!!

CaptainJack says...

To answer your last question, yes, this was intended as the first chapter to a novel idea I got from chat. I mentioned it in a reply above, but Emira is recording the events of the day. Except, she is recording them as fiction. I decided to choose a future date where space travel might be plausible so that it would play a role later on. On Isargh, Emira and Pi were in the palace the whole time just walking through, but then the author interrupted. That is the present scene. My intentions were to have the suthor question here and then she would get back too telling. I was going to use this formatting further on.
Thanks for the review.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou