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18+ Language Mature Content

Too Much Blank Space, Not Enough Vomit - Ch. 9.2

by LordStar


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

"Hey."

Ethan looked up to find Lip watching him from across the counter. The Two Wolves diner was almost deserted: all it held was a trucker at the counter, a few seats away from Lip, and a Hispanic family sitting in a booth in the corner. Ethan stopped cleaning glasses, throwing the rag over his shoulder as he approached Lip. He put his palms against the counter, leaning against it as he surveyed Lip evenly.

"Hey."

"Let me get a coffee," Lip said, and Ethan got him a mug from the crate beneath the counter, setting it on the counter between them before turning to get the pot full of coffee. He poured Lip a mugful before setting the pot back in its place. Lip added a bit of sugar to the drink.

"Does Saturday night work for you?" he asked after a few moments of stirring his coffee. Ethan arched an eyebrow at him.

"I still owe you money from the last gig."

"Don't worry about it," Lip waved his hand. "I know money's tight. But some guys are driving in from Indiana, and I thought you'd might like to come by. We're gonna have a bonfire, a few bets going. It's looking to be a good time."

Ethan thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Sure, why not."

"Besides, I'd like to run again," Lip grinned. "I think you could smoke me if you just got the details right."

Ethan smirked, looking up at the door as a mother and her toddler son came in. "Oh, and by the way - "

Lip glanced at him from over the rim of his mug as he took a drink. Ethan's smile tightened.

"Ever knock up my brother again, and I'll fucking end you."

He turned away to go take the new arrivals' drink orders.


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Sun Aug 25, 2019 7:34 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya again, LordStar.

First, a nitpick:

all it held was a trucker at the counter, a few seats away from Lip, and a Hispanic family sitting in a booth in the corner. Ethan stopped cleaning glasses, throwing the rag over his shoulder as he approached Lip. He put his palms against the counter, leaning against it as he surveyed Lip evenly.


There's a lot of repetition of 'Lip' in this paragraph. I get that writing scenes where both characters use the same pronouns can be a bit of a nightmare, but I'd try to play around with this and make it less repetitive. I think if you subbed the last sentence with 'He put his palms against the counter and surveyed him' we'd still understand who 'him' referred to.

Lip added a bit of sugar to the drink.


Just some unnecessary words.

Yeah, I'm going to have to echo Bisc in saying that I was a bit confused about the conversation. I assumed that maybe I'd missed something, having not read the earliest chapters, but if Bisc is confused too then I guess you could do with a bit more detail. 'Gig' does tend to mean a concert to my British ears, but I feel like the meaning is broader in American English...I could be wrong about that. Either way, it feels like this conversation is alluding to information we should already know, yet we've never actually been presented with this information. This kind of ties into the criticism in my last review, in that you don't do enough summarising to keep the story from getting confusing. Remember that it's okay to tell, as long as you do it at the appropriate moment. Some information isn't crucial enough to warrant its own scene, but still important for the reader to be aware of. That sort of info can be delivered concisely in the prose so as to keep the reader on the right page.

I am so glad that Ethan is fighting Rhys's corner, especially after the previous scene. Somebody needs to hold Lip accountable. It makes me feel more at ease going forward, knowing that Ethan is going to be looking out for Rhys, even if he can't stop him reconnecting with Lip. I do wonder if it'll cause some friction between Ethan and Rhys, though. I feel like Rhys won't want him interfering, even if it's just out of protectiveness. We'll see.

That's all for this one. Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Thu Jul 04, 2019 1:39 pm
DougalOfBiscuits wrote a review...



Hey Oli, saw the index then realised there was a new chapter up.

Nit-picks:

The Two Wolves diner was almost deserted: all it held was a trucker at the counter

Idk if you're after lexical/grammatical nit-picks so let me know if you don't want this sort of stuff, but I don't think "held" makes sense here. It makes it sound like the diner has a mind of its own which is kind of distracting since I'm guessing the point of this sentence isn't to make a dramatic poetical point personifying the diners of america :P

Ethan stopped cleaning glasses, throwing the rag over his shoulder as he approached Lip.

There was something slightly jarring here. I think I thought Ethan was already standing right next to Lip? I'm not sure why.

Overall:

So, I'm kind of confused as to what the first half of this conversation was about. What sort of gig? How can you owe someone money from a gig? (In my head I'm thinking like a music concert). Then there's something about bets so I'm figuring the gig is to do with gambling, but I've also never heard gambling referred to as a gig, unless Ethan was being hired to wait on the gig? But then how could he owe Lip money? Alternatively, was it Lip saying he owed Ethan money? I just figured it was the other way around because the tag on the previous line of speech indicated the speaker interacting with his coffee.

I like the bit at the end though. Remember how ages ago I was worried Ethan and Lip would fill too similar a place in the story? (wow, that's a gross thought now) It's good to see them interact because that means they have to be doing two different things, otherwise they'd just be aggressively agreeing with each other. The coolness is interesting; why isn't this a massive fight? Maybe Ethan knows that Lip is too important to Rhys, or he respects him too much/knows him too well to properly fly off the handle? But in any case it's good to see Ethan stick up for Rhys. This seems very Ethan.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short