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18+ Language Mature Content

Too Much Blank Space, Not Enough Vomit - 1

by LordStar


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

RHYS and PIERRE lay in bed, post-sex. It’s getting dark outside, so only their silhuoettes are visible. RHYS, wearing nothing but a chest binder, lights a cigarette.

Beat of silence.

RHYS

Thanks.

RHYS sits up, getting dressed silently. He puts a baggie of white powder into his jean pocket before putting his hood up and leaving.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN - CONTINUOUS

RHYS walks down the street as he smokes, visible only by passing street lights. He looks like shit. He is pale, skinny, with an angular jaw and a boy-ish haircut. He still doesn’t pass that well, and you can tell he’s strung out. He stumbles, still a bit drunk.

A truck revs its engine behind him, causing him to turn around. LIP leans out of the driver’s window.

LIP

What the hell are you doing walking in this part of town at this time of night?

RHYS shrugs, turns around, keeps walking. LIP honks the horn.

LIP

Get in the truck, dumbass.

RHYS sighs, takes a long drag off his cigarette, then obeys, climbing into the passenger seat of the truck. LIP starts driving again.

Beat of silence. It’s tense.

LIP

I’m not stupid, Rhys. I know you were here scoring.

RHYS

And?

LIP

(glancing at him)

Didn’t you just get out of rehab?

RHYS

(shrugging)

So? Mom paid for it.

LIP stares at the road with a sigh, saying nothing more. RHYS lights a fresh cigarette and stares out of the window. The rest of the ride is silent.

INT. WOODSPRING APTS. - CONTINUOUS

RHYS and LIP approach the elevator. RHYS is leaning heavily against LIP, stumbling as they get into the elevator.

LIP

Don’t get sloppy on me, now.

RHYS only nods, leaning his head on LIP’s shoulder as the elevator ascends. He looks content, eyes closed. They reach the fourth floor.

LIP helps RHYS towards 404.

INT. APT 404 - CONTINUOUS

ETHAN HARTMAN sits on the couch, watching T.V. He looks up as LIP enters, supporting RHYS, who is now so drunk he can barely walk. ETHAN immediately gets to his feet, helping to get RHYS to the loveseat.

ETHAN

(quietly)

Where was he?

LIP

Walking on north MLK.

ETHAN

Dammit.

He’s quiet for a moment, watching his little brother snore.

ETHAN

Thanks for bringing him home.

LIP nods.

LIP

Not a problem.

LIP leaves without saying anything else. ETHAN sighs, sets out a glass of water and some Tylenol on the coffee table, then retreats to his room.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. APT 404 - DAY

RHYS wakes with a start, gazing around blearily. He sits up, taking the Tylenol and water. The apartment feels distinctly empty as he gets to his feet. He goes to his bedroom.

INT. RHYS’ BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

RHYS’ bedroom is a wreck. Empty cigarette packs, used condoms, dirty clothes, and used needles cover the floor and RHYS’ desk, holding a vintage record player, is littered with papers. RHYS picks his way towards it, extracting the bag of powder from his pocket as he does so.

He sits in the desk chair, pouring a bit of cocaine onto the glass plate on the desk in front of him. He cuts a line and snorts it. He does another line, then scoops the rest of the cocaine back into the baggie, setting it on the desk. He leans back in the chair.

After several moments of staring at the ceiling, he leaves.

Shot of the empty room.

CUT TO:

INT. TWO WOLVES DINER - LATER

ETHAN stands behind the counter, cooking food and looking a bit frantic. The door opens and RHYS walks in, sauntering up to the counter and taking a seat. He waits for ETHAN to notice him.

ETHAN, after about a minute, finally looks at him.

RHYS

Mornin’.

ETHAN

It’s four in the afternoon, Rhys.

RHYS shrugs, playing with his fingers. ETHAN runs the food to his table, returning after just a moment. He studies RHYS for several moments.

ETHAN

(under his breath)

You’re high as a fucking kite, aren’t you?

RHYS remains silent in answer. ETHAN sighs.

ETHAN

Whatever. You hungry?

RHYS shakes his head. ETHAN sighs again, getting more annoyed.

ETHAN

When was the last time you ate?

RHYS

(thinks for a moment, shrugs)

Don’t know.

ETHAN shakes his head and begins making food for RHYS.

RHYS looks around. Graffiti is etched into the counter’s chipped surface, and the diner is full of people - a hispanic family, a couple in a booth in the corner, a couple of truckers down the counter from him.

ETHAN eventually speaks.

ETHAN

What happened last night, Rhys? You just got back from rehab. This time was supposed to be different.

RHYS

Nothing happened. I was just bored. Pierre called me, and I was bored, and it just...happened.

ETHAN

(grinding his teeth a bit)

You talk about him like he’s your boyfriend, Rhys. That guy’s like fifty years old. He shouldn’t be sleeping with a sixteen year old.

RHYS

(bristling)

I’m not a child. I can sleep with whoever I want to.

ETHAN

(a bit loudly)

You shouldn’t be fucking anyone, Rhys!

The diner goes quiet. The customers, however, don’t seem fazed. This is normal for the Hartman brothers.

RHYS gets up and goes behind the counter, fixing himself a cup of coffee. He returns to his seat, and when ETHAN isn’t looking, pulls a bottle of Jack Daniels from his inner jacket pocket. Under the counter, he adds a healthy amount of it to his coffee before returning the bottle to its place and the coffee mug to the counter surface.

ETHAN

I saw that.

RHYS rubs the heels of his palms over his eyes. He is bordering on manic; fidgeting, unable to concentrate. He takes a long drink of his coffee in hope that the liquor will stave off the unwanted effects of the cocaine.

ETHAN sets a plate full of eggs, toast, hashbrowns and sausage in front of RHYS. RHYS stares at it, pushing the food around with his fork. ETHAN watches him.

ETHAN

You put everything in your body but food. Eat.

RHYS sighs but forces himself to take a bite.

ETHAN (CONT'D)

Now, you’re going to tell me why you went out and used last night when you just got back from rehab two days ago and you promised me you were going to go to meetings and give being clean an actual try.

RHYS busies himself with eating, suddenly very interested in his food. He looks away.

ETHAN

(after a moment)

Did that motherfucker text you?

RHYS glances at him, then away again, visibly tensing.

RHYS

Pierre?

ETHAN

You know who I’m talking about.

RHYS shakes his head quickly, even as ETHAN gets visibly angry.

ETHAN

I told her -

RHYS

It’s not a big deal -

ETHAN

She’s not supposed to contact you!

RHYS

Just because you hate her doesn’t mean I have to!

ETHAN

(taking several deep breaths, gritting his teeth)

What did she say?

RHYS

(looking at his plate again)

She wants to come visit this weekend.

ETHAN

(throwing a frying pan into the sink with force)

Absolutely not.

RHYS

(sighing loudly in exasperation)

That’s totally unfair and you know it.

ETHAN

(refusing to look at him)

No. Absolutely not. She is not welcome in this fucking town, let alone anywhere near us.

RHYS pushes his plate away angrily and gets to his feet, storming out of the diner. ETHAN begins to wash the dishes, scowling angrily. The truckers give him sympathetic smiles. The door opens, and ETHAN disappears to go greet his new table.

FADE OUT.


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Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:31 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hey LordStar!

Elinor dropping by here to give you a quick review, as you requested. I really like this. I think you have a natural gift for script writing. It can definitely be a difficult to medium to work in because you can only really write about what can be seen and have to leave the rest up to interpretation.

I'm not sure if this supposed to be a short or a feature but regardless I think it's a great start to the story. I love the scenes at the diner in particular, and I'm very intrigued by Ethan as a character. I'm a little confused as to whether he or Ethan is supposed to be the main character, or if it's the both of them.

My other comments are mostly minor. It's advisable to use parentheticals sparingly, if at all, because you want to give your actors the room for interpretation on their lines. I also wanted a bit more description of the characters. How old are they? What do they look like? You also only need to capitalize their names the first time you introduce them, not every time.

Going forward, I'd advise looking up scripts of your favorite movies, reading them and then watching the movies, and thinking about how the writers of those lay the stories out visually. It can be very helpful.

Let me know if you have any other questions! Keep writing!

Elinor




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Sun Sep 01, 2019 9:04 pm
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DougalOfBiscuits wrote a review...



Hey, I wasn't sure if I was going to review the film script version but I was like halfway through reading it before I realised so figured I might as well.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

ETHAN

What happened last night, Rhys? You just got back from rehab. This time was supposed to be different.

RHYS

Nothing happened. I was just bored. Pierre called me, and I was bored, and it just...happened.

Sorry for the chunkiness of the quote, just what happens with a script and its line breaks. I think this is maybe just a bit generic? Like, I guess this is probably realistic, but there are loads of stories about addiction, so this is kind of where I'd expect a plot hook to show me why this particular relapse moment is being told.

You shouldn’t be fucking anyone, Rhys!

The diner goes quiet. The customers, however, don’t seem fazed. This is normal for the Hartman brothers.

Heh. I like this. It gives me a definite feel that these characters have existed since before the story started.

Did that motherfucker text you?

RHYS glances at him, then away again, visibly tensing.

RHYS

Pierre?

ETHAN

You know who I’m talking about.

Nowwww we're talking - little bit of mystery.

Overall:

I think this is my favourite start I've ever seen to this story. You know how I'm always like why is it starting on this particular day? Well here it's very clearly because someone specific has contacted Rhys. There's immediately conflict between the brothers that's more than just the addiction, making this more than just an addiction story, and Lip has been smoothly introduced in a way that didn't stick out at all.

Just remember as you go forward to keep that pacing tight and direction strong. It'd also be good at some point to dig deeper into Rhys. He's clearly at some point made the choice to go clean, even if it was with very little conviction - or was he really just saying that to get out of rehab? I'd assume they have people to assess whether you really mean it. So yeah, what're his motivations like further than just the immediate desire to get high. But that's just to like, let you know what I want from future instalments, not a criticism of them not being here, since there's so much more going on here. Well, I guess if you could slip more layers of him in subtly, or hint towards them, that'd be good, but by no means a necessity.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:01 pm
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BlueAfrica wrote a review...



"I'm not a child" - person who is most definitely still a child in one way or another

He takes a long drink of his coffee in hope that the liquor will stave off the unwanted effects of the cocaine.


My dude, if you do not want the effects of the cocaine, maybe,,,you should,,,not???

You put everything in your body but food. Eat.


Heck, that's a good line.

No. Absolutely not. He is not welcome in this fucking town, let alone anywhere near us.


Their dad? Are we getting a terrible dad now too?????????? GIMME.

Full disclosure: I know very little about scriptwriting or how to critique a script. Obviously I can focus on the story, but a) in the first installment we don't have much yet to discuss because there's not really enough on the page yet to check for continuity errors and other issues and b) I've read the story so many times at this point that any commentary I give you is probably at least partly going to be colored by my prior readings and my favorite bits of old drafts. To the best of my ability, I'm gonna try to sort of picture this playing out in my head in the hopes I can get a good feel for how the pacing etc would be in film.

OKAY, SO. Now that we've established that, let's move on.

I think this is a good opening because it gives us some good, strong conflict right away without feeling clunky or like there's a neon sign like "HERE IS THE CONFLICT!" Right away, we see Rhys sleeping with someone in exchange for cocaine. From his interactions with Lip and Ethan - and their interactions with each other - we see that this is far from the first time. He's clearly a mess; Lip clearly wishes he wasn't; Ethan's overworked and frustrated. There's lots of conflict simmering at the surface and plenty of potential for an explosion later.

It makes me a little sad that the regulars at the Two Wolves Diner barely react to Ethan and Rhys' argument because this is par for the course for the Hartmans. But at the same time it's a bit comforting to know that no one's gonna hold it against them and that Ethan's not gonna lose his job or something because his little brother comes in high, with liquor in his pocket, and walks around the counter to get himself coffee.

On that note, I really like that we get to see Ethan at work! That really hammers home the fact that he struggles to support himself and Rhys - not that I didn't feel that before, but I think in switching formats this is more convincing of that than talking about it when they're at home, especially since now we can't get Rhys' internal monologue (unless you do a voiceover or something, but I feel like that would make Rhys feel more connected/less spaced-out).

I'm also insanely curious to see who the "he" is that they're arguing about at the end - although my guess is still their dad or someone similar, presumably also abusive and terrible like Barbara.

(Maybe one of Barbara's abusive boyfriends who was like a stand-in dad to Rhys but also abused him?)





If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb