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Elizabeth (#2)

by LordStar

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325 Reviews

Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Mon Feb 11, 2019 1:18 am
SunsetTree wrote a review...

Something about the form of this poem just throws me off, especially the form of the first half. I don't know why it's disjointed other than just for the sake of being disjointed, because it interrupts the punch of some of your imagery and kills the momentum. You have some really startling imagery, but then there are these pauses when I don't want to pause. Its a short, snappy poem that also forces the reader to rest for no good reason.

Something about the second stanza feels off to me (the one starting with Something beautiful...) I think it feels too abstract whereas the poem smacks the reader hard with this concrete imagery.

"You're like a bone that has to break first in order to heal properly?" Uhh, if the bone doesn't break, I don't think it has to heal at all. Because it's not broken.

Ultimately nice work on this poem, just needs some fine-tuning and I think you'll have a really nice creation. Keep it up.

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8 Reviews

Points: 20
Reviews: 8

Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:12 pm
clancy wrote a review...

First let me say, I usually don’t like love poems at all, just the way they’re usually written annoys me but that’s just me haha xD BUT I LOVE THIS. I REALLY DO. Especially the lines “the wine in the mouth of an alcoholic universe”
It’s just so beautiful and original and I feel like I’d get it tattooed on me haha
You write amazingly and I love how you formatted this poem.
I actually just wrote a “love” poem, but well, it’s dark and about someone who is abusive and calls it love and this is a perfect parallel and what i was trying to explain in part of mine.
Once again, this is BEAUTIFULLY done and I look forward to reading more from you.

It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien