Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was a really interesting story to read. I actually enjoyed tit quite a bit although the ending was definitely on the sadder side of things. Oh well...it can't always be happy I suppose. The emotions in there also looked pretty solid.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Savina scooped up two children, the last of the Chosens. She galloped to the ditch and carefully placed them there. One of them, a little girl, looked up at Sav with wide, fearful eyes.
Okay...well...that was a very interesting place to start. Does its job pulling one into the story though so I think a fairly good opening paragraph, it does its job I think. And the details of the girl being fearful is also nice to establish what sort of situation this could be right away.
“Are we going to d-die?” she asked, her voice trembling. Sav sadly smiled and tilted her head.
“No, little one. Brontus – the satyr behind you – will take care of you. Your friends-“ Sav paused to smack an arrow out of the air next to her “-they have gone through the tunnel already. You must follow them.”
Oooh...looks like they're all in the middle of some kind of fight. I love the casual smacking of the arrow though, that's a really cool move and to do it so nonchalantly just makes it even cooler. And let's see where it goes from here I suppose.
“O-okay.” The girl murmured. Brontus showed her into the tunnel.
“Just follow them. That’s right!” Brontus turned and looked at Sav. “We’re outnumbered. You can’t defeat them all, Sav.”
Well...that was definitely implied but hearing just how bad the situation is for these people running away from danger definitely increases the stakes that we can see slowly developing here. I feel like this Sav is going to attempt to sacrifice herself or something along those lines now...
“I know.” Sav spun to smash a Korkan’s skull. “Unless I…” she trailed off, thinking.
“No.” Brontus looked like he was going to cry. “No. You won’t be the hero. Not one of the Legends.You can’t – die.” He choked back a sob. Sav felt her heart twist.
Ahh..dang it...I predicted that one a bit too accurately....oh well...I do suppose a good sacrifice play is useful sometimes...although if there is a way for them to get away in this tunnel, isn't there a way to run in and seal it off or something so that someone doesn't have to stay back and fight...and you also have to consider that if these children are the target, why would the attacking mob even focus on this Savina and not just distract her and run past her to their goal...maybe this is because its a short story and you haven't quite been able to give a ton of details...but these are some things to think about anymay.
“I-I’m sorry, Bront.” She turned and faced the horde. They were regrouping, pulling back for a minute. “I have to.”
“No you don’t! There has to be another way.” Brontus grabbed her tail and clung tight. “I can’t lose you too, Savina.”
Bit of a touching moment there...probably if we knew these characters better from a novel or something this scene could really drum up some emotion and as it is, its not doing all that terrible of a job conveying job anyway.
Sav looked at the satyr, trying not to sob, turn and jump into the ditch with Brontus, and flee with him. “They must fulfill the prophecy. They have to live. And they need you, Brontus.” She felt the sprit in her rejoicing. It was going to be released.
Okay...her trying not to cry is definitely adding a ton to the emotional level already on display here...well this is turning out to be quite a moment here....sadly it seems like it will end in her death here...or at least that's what this all seems to imply.
“Please, Bront. Go.”
That plead was enough. Brontus let go of her tail. He walked with obvious difficulty to the tunnel. He looked back at her for a second. “See you in Karizivian, Savina Centaurus.” He bent down and crawled through the tunnel.
Hmm...well that was an interesting little parting message. Is that some sort of afterlife or something along those lines? Is this him trying to wish that maybe she wouldn't die? Well...lots of questions there...and all very interesting ones.
It was time.
Sav called on the spirit. Kekaigin! I summon you! You know the rules. You give me strength, you get my life.
Oh yes, Savina. I know. Shall we?
Very well.
Oh well...that sounds like its going to be a particularly tough deal right there...oh dear...
Sav screamed as the spirit ripped through her, giving her unimaginable power. The world fuzzed, and the enemy looked small and puny.
This was going to be easy.
Well at least we can see an epic ol' fight coming right for us then...
She yelled and charged the foe, raising her battle axe high. She let it come down, killing two Korkans. She lifted it again and swiped to the left, beheading a few more. She continued like that, getting injuries but not feeling them, killing four Korkans at a time.
Yay...and we are go for epic battle....this is indeed painting a fairly epic picture in my head...
She sliced a Korkan and raised her axe for more, but realized that she had won. She had defeated them. The Chosen were safe.
Hooray!! Although I guess this might just be the end then...oh dear...the prices you must pay for appropriately epic battles.
“Sav!!” a voice screamed. It was Brontus. “Sav!!”
“W-what?” she muttered. “Go to the…the kids…Brontus…”
She fell over and flopped on the ground. Kekaigin seeped through her, taking all of her.
It was over.
Sav died.
Well that was a very flat ending...I kind of like it though. I think it really fits the overall energy of this...just a sudden end...BOOM...she's dead.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think this was quite a well written story. There might be a couple of spots that could do with a touch more explanation but that's not really necessary for a short so honestly that's just me being nitpicky. At any rate that's all I gotta say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4096
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