Foreword
This is my first real attempt at anything to do with poems. It's a free verse poem, so it has it's own random rhythm and no, it does not rhyme. Otherwise I hope you enjoy it!
It’s an unfair world,
No silent planet or almighty star could deny that.
We live in a land of hypocrites,
A land of death, despair, hatred, fear,
Some of us,
Could equate it to hell.
But at the same time, our world is fair,
Maybe even great,
Just take a step outside,
And walk into the streets, your journey has begun.
Head out to the countryside, the open road,
Take in the sights, the sheer beauty
Of where we live!
This my friend, is Earth,
A mere speck of dust, in a dark expanse
Which happens to be, the most awesome
Speck of dust to ever exist.
And you want to know the best part?
Just a short trip is all it takes
For it to get even better.
Head out to the forests,
observe the birch trees, the oak woods;
their complex bark and bright green leaves,
flowing in the soft, gentle breeze.
Look out to the lakes, the crystalline blue water,
under which rainbow trout and salmon skirt and swim.
Just look at our natural world,
its beauty, its wildlife;
no great war nor epic disaster,
could ever taint it!
And this is just one part of our home,
Our great little home!
So when you next look at the world
Take that moment, to admire its beauty;
Which no living being could ever change.
After all, It's no question
We may live in a world of doom, and disaster,
But don’t let it consume you.
Because just outside your door
Is something, that makes it all worthwhile.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi there JackSkinner! Niteowl here to review for the Mazarine Marauders this marvelous Review Day!
Now, I hate to disagree with a previous reviewer, but I think you went too far in adding punctuation. Apparently there was almost none, but now there is a comma, practically every other, word, and it starts to read, kind of like, this. That's almost as bad. In my opinion, it's worse. Adding punctuation in poetry can be tricky, so my tip is to follow the same rules as in prose unless you have a really good reason not to.
Also, I feel like the last stanza is rather vague. Words like "beauty" get thrown out a lot in poems, but they're rather abstract and unhelpful for the reader. I suggest cutting most of it and leaving only the last four lines, which make a great ending by themselves.
Overall, I think this is a lovely poem with a great message of hope. Just watch that the punctuation doesn't make it too fragmented. Great job and Peace, Love, and Fahrvergnugen!
My goodness I've been away for a while, but I promise I reply to every review! I always appreciate every kind of feedback, so that I can better myself and write more in the future (after exams)
I will get the last verse and the commas sorted out!
Hello friend! I'm going to review this!
First stanza:
This line seemed a bit awkward. I feel like you should change it to "Some of us// could equate it to hell." I think that would make it a little bit better.
I feel like this should be, "and your journey will begin," just to fit with the tense. I'm not sure how I feel about the ellipses. I'm thinking that I don't like them, especially when it's not its own line. If you wanted to keep the ellipses (or even if you didn't), you could put this little snippet on a new line.
The rest of this was pretty good! Aside from a few punctuation issues, I don't see any other technical problems!
I love the theme! Your pacing is nice, and your poem's meaning comes across clearly. I don't have any critiques for the actual content of your poem. It's very nice, and I like the imagery.
keep writing!
Thank you friend! I'm still a learner for poetry so as you can see there are some errors
Straight up I have to say thank you for writing a poem that doesn't rhyme. Rhyming makes me crazy. When people first start writing poetry they often rely a bit on rhyming, but free verse is a bit harder. This honestly sounds amazing for a first attempt.
The biggest issue here (and the most boring issue) is that you are missing a lot of punctuation. I don't particularly want to go through the whole poem and point out every case, but I'm going to do a few as examples.
For example, the start of your first stanza.
It’s an unfair world
No silent planet or almighty star could deny that.
We live in a land of hypocrites
A land of death, despair, hatred, fear,
For some of us
We could equate it to hell.
To really flow this needs a few punctuation marks. If you wrote this as prose it would read 'It's an unfair world no silent planet or almighty star....'. With a comma after 'world' you would have a functional sentence.
Again, the next two lines could be separated by a comma or a period, depending on how you want it to read.
The way you have separated your lines suggests that you wanted deliberate pauses in some places, and you need to make sure that they actually read that way. My suggestion would be to write the whole poem out as prose, and then read that aloud to yourself. You'll get a better sense of where you should be putting punctuation.
It's a very nice poem, a really beautiful sentiment. In places it is a little bit trite, but I think that is mostly the nature of the language you have used. I would have liked to have heard a bit more about the beauty of the earth. Maybe some really good descriptive language about specific things that are beautiful. What about the countryside is beautiful? Tell us about what you see, so that we can see the image that you're trying to give us of the world being unique, and irreplaceable.
Basically I think it needs to be fleshed out a little, and tweaked a bit to make it more unique and...I don't know. Special.
Thank you for your review! I shall add some punctuation and get to work on perhaps adding some stuff here and there, I might be able to add another verse
I did add a new verse, and I hope it helps to make things more beautiful