Prologue
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There seated by the tables full of different ages of people from Young to old, and some even have their own title; Knights, Sirs, madam, Lord etc. The clatter of cutlery against the silver plates was interrupted by this young man that exclaimed, ‘ come around here folks no need to be shy! I here just wanted to share a story to you all! Come come, I want only one thing, fellow citizens,’ he said. ‘I ask for you, out of courtesy to me, your opinion to this story that will be told by this very man that is standing right in front of you.’
-LittleHuman (Btw Hope you guys like the first part of this story love for your reviews please do see if there are anything wrong with it and If you like it do click the like and if you love it love it more. and lastly enjoy :) )
Young Man’s Tale
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There is in Demsville, I believe, a marshy area known as Gregteness. Or was it a town? I can't remember. Anyways, there was a young boy who lived near the edge of the area; he wasn't well known or rich. He was just like every other peasant in this piece of land, poor, and treated with torment by the guards that patrolled the area. It so happened that one day he had found a girl his age lying on the damped grass, fainted, possibly from the storm that hit this place last night. She seemed different than any other girl that he knew, much prettier, smaller, lighter, and dressed differently like a girl that lived deep in the center of Gregteness. The sight of her pale skin struck the young boy's heart.
There under the sight of pity, the boy takes her to his hut. Where his pap stretched his eyelids in surprise for, as he too never had seen such a beautiful sight of a young girl. 'Praise lord,' he said. ' You brought a young girl that might just take my dear poor son.' still he is as naive as ever, the boy ignored his pap and brought her up to his room and laid her to rest. Day after day she hadn't move, but with the son's kin heart to help, he kept an eye on her. Just as the 5th day dawns, the boy still fast asleep at her side, she woke slowly from her unconscious state.
She was shocked to find that a boy was lying down against her palm. The sight of the young boy’s curly black hair with the tender white smooth skin against her palm, she slowly retracted her hand away from his face. But then, again she was touched to know that this young boy took close care of her. Minutes later, things started to get real, Guards knocked on the wooden door, hard, so hard that it sounded like the whole hut was going to fall apart. The old pap forced his tired legs up and walked towards the door like he always did when the guards were about to strip anything off of him. As soon as the door swings open slowly, the two guards held up a poster that resembles the young girl’s face, Missing girl, named Emily, Reward five hundred gold coins.
‘Hey notice anything familiar on this poster old chap?’ said one of the guards, the other holding out his hand demanding for some charity that they don’t need.
‘No… nothing familiar from that old poster you hold there, you cripple young lads.’ Grunted the old man.
‘Then be so kindly to share some of your gold as charity to the king.’ Smile the other guard shaking his empty hand.
As the old man took out some gold that he doesn’t call it spare, the young Emily walked down those creaking steps. The guards took shock as they see that girl walking down those steps and bowed to their sincerity.
‘Princess, please come with us immediately. Your king is senseless without you.’ Says one of the guard.
‘Stand up, and give back the gold that you seek to this poor old man as they were the ones whom took care of me for the few days I gone missing.’ Emily said firmly.
That moment the guard stood up, held out the gold, and looked at the old man with bloodshot eyes. There the guard forced the gold into the old man’s hand and whispered, ‘you remember this day old man!’ Emily and the guards went on the horses back and rode into the city of Gregteness. The old pap fell back down to his chair and cover his hand over his face in fear, ‘Dear lord,’ He cried ‘is this my punishment for not stopping my son from bringing a random stranger into the hut?’
The boy woke without knowing that anything happened during his deep nap. He confused, and cried, as he didn’t know why that girl did not say goodbye before she left the hut, and not only that it seemed that it too also made his pap sad and furious. From that very day, every night he dreams of her glossy brown hair and how her eyebrows would just knit together during the night. The moonshine washes over her pale skin turning it bright silver just like a goddess. A tear rolled down to his cheeks.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey LH, here to review as requested!
Anyways, let's go straight into it. Just a little warning though, this review might seem a bit harsh to you. So prepare yourself. ^_^
Alright, first off. Regarding your prologue, I liked it. It was a good, little introduction to the story. Now, is my question. I don't think you truly understand what a prologue is. A prologue is something to be written prior before the novel, a prologue is something that gives you insight to the novel and will makes things clearer afterwards. A prologue is something that cannot be written anywhere else in the novel. I mean I liked that introduction, it has that very antique feel to it and it also gave a reader a preparation for your first chapter. Which is not what a prologue should do. So I recommend you delete the prologue and leave it as that.
Next, onto the structure and content of your chapter. After reading the first paragraph in, you had already broken the golden rule to creative writing.
'Show don't tell'. I know you've been told this literally over a million times, but is important. You don't just tell the readers what they want to know, you show it through figurative language, like similes, metaphors.
Don't just tell us that she's pretty, small, light and dressed differently. Show us, how is she pretty? Is she pretty like an ethereal angel? How is she dressed differently? For all I know, she could be dressed in a black emo clothes. Of course I know that's not the cast, but I'm just saying. You need to show us, not just tell us. But don't go mad with your descriptions.
You also tend to switch tense between past and present, stick to one tense. Either past or present, in this case, I think past would work better. The pacing was alright in this chapter, though you seem to be rushing things a little. How does the girl know he saved her? For God's sake, she just woke up! Slow down a little...let them get to know each other...and then BAM! The guards come in! But I do believe there is potential in this story, because even though the idea behind this is a bit cliché. A princess gets lost, gets save by a normal, peasant boy and then the guards come knocking. You have described some pretty realistic emotions in there, such as the boy's sorrow, the girl's beauty in some places.
This is not a bad work, it just needs some touching up. Best of luck in your future writing, and I hope I wasn't too harsh!
-S.s
No you weren't hash
I really appreciate your review, as I do need more help on these writings indeed. 
reviews are to help writers etc. and also sorry for being so late to reply your review as I was away and unable to touch the wireless for quite some time
.
Then again
Thank you again for doing such a wonderful review. Helps me a lot really.
GOOD EVENING! I am here representing The Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto in this fantabulous review day! Yes, that really is our name!
YAY!


I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you. I tend to get all muddled up otherwise and ramble on and on. (SEE - Rambling!)
Here we go!
1. I love a prologue. I think they add so much to a story if they are used in the right fashion! And I like yours! The only thing I would change is start a new line when the 'young man' starts to speak so that it's set out in the proper way.
2. I would have loved for you to have played him meeting the girl out! What a cute beginning that could have been!
3. Things are moving so quickly! Slow down and breatheee! I want you to drip feed this to a bit more.
4. ARGH! It's ended! I want to know moreee! Update me when more is up please
Good luck! Keep writing! I will read the rest and beginning of this definitely
Olive <3
Hey, Thanks for your opinion in my work
yes I am writing the new chapter and its still in progress. Right now I am working on the plot on the next chapter, so it would be a lot more vivid to readers that enjoy love stories ^.^
~LH
This is such a great story!!!! I love it!!! It's so sad though, if only she'd fallen in love with the boy....Other than that you did a really great job
Haha
I am glad you love the story
I wonder what will the boy do if he meets the girl 
~LH
For me, the opening line is really one of the hardest parts when writing any piece of work. It's what grabs the reader, hopefully making them stay. Your opening line
I found rather bland, it wasn't bad but it wasn't very good either. This is just a bit of a pet-peeve of mine. You don't need to change it at all but just something to think about.
What I liked about this story:
Your use of rhetorical questions.
This is a great way in drawing in a reader and for me shows off a varied knolagde of techniques which I always love to see in novels.
I also liked the idea you put forward within this chapter. Though I feel you will have your work cut out for you. Mainly because this type of story has been done to death so good luck in making it original.
What I didn't like:
Sometimes I felt that there wasn't enough description. What does pap look like? And the boy? And the girl? You did tell me small amounts of their appearance but you never really showed it which is a different matter.
All in all I thought this was a nice beginning and I look forward to the next instalment! Happy writing!
Thanks for the Review ^.^ Love it
I will try my best to improve on the points you mentioned
Thanks again and I'll use my creativity to continue the story ^.^ Happy Reviewing!
Hello, and welcome to YWS!
Okay, first, I love the concept of your plot. It's very creative! I love the title, too. It was very enticing. I like how you started the story with a party, though I do think the beginning could do some work. It needed a little more detail, why it was being held, where it was, WHEN it was held. I think these details would be very important to your story. The first thing that came into my mind was a formal party in a ball room, but the way you gave them titles kind of put me off, I suggest you add a bit more details, though it's great already.
Second, the way you added modern words that people probably didn't use in the medieval times kind of bothered me. I suggest using words that may fit the "time line" of the story. Also, I noticed you kept switching from present tense to past, I do believe this was a 'tale' so I think it should be PAST TENSE ALL THE WAY. But I understand if you are having trouble with noticing, I sometimes do, too, so I totally feel your pain.
Third, you had a lot of typos, but there weren't any major ones, though I do think you should fix them. Anyway, that's it. I absolutely loved your story and I can't wait for more! The ending was amazing! Sorry if this review was a bit harsh, I do not mean to be, well, mean in anyway.
Keep writing and, again, welcome to YWS!
GrapeNerd
Haha No,
the review you wrote isn't harsh at all, its really what I am looking for actually, someone to review on what I am bad at etc, this motivates me to write more and improve the ways the readers tells me to.
Thank you very much, sincerely!

No problem! I'm glad my review helped you. If you need something reviewed, please don't hesitate to ask. I can't wait for the next chapter!