Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
''Hey, over here." I yelled getting her attention. She finally made her way through the now disapating crowd. "Can you believe how crowded it is?" She asked exsaperated. I just smiled at her, my smile suddenly dissaperd for there he was the man of my dreams walking straight for us. "Oh no." I turned my head away and acted like I was getting something out of my locker. "Crystal are you ok?'' I ignored her and continued to look through my locker. "Has he passed?" She finally caught on, suddenly a sly smile crept onto her face. "Hey Jonathon." She yelled. "Amber, dont." To late he had already turned aroung and was making his way towards us. "Oh god" I couldnt face him, he was just to cute and if I looked at him Id surely make a fool of myself. "Hi." He said to me and Amber, "Hows it goin?" Amber looked at me and said, "Why dont you ask Crystal." He looked at me with confussion on his face but asked me anyway. "Um, Um its going ok I guess." I looked back into the locker. God he must think im an idiot I kept saying to myself. I looked back at Amber and Jonathon, "I need to be going, it'll look kinda bad if im late to my first class." He nodded, "Yeah, same here" He then waved and left, leaving me with thoughts of what he thought of me. "I cant believe you done that." I snapped at Amber, "Why'd you do that?" "Oh come on Crystal, I know you like him, no wonder you have yet to have a boyfriend." I just glared knowing she was right, I did have a problem with telling people how I felt. "If it bugs you that much im sorry." she said with a look of regreat on her face."Its just, you cant always keep your feelings bottled up inside you" I sighed, "I know but hes just so cute, why would he ever look at girl like me?'' Amber smiled, "He was looking at you, a lot." she added her sly smile coming back to her face. I had to laugh, "I wish." But deep down inside I was secreatly wishing I had of said something to him, like "Hi" or "Yeah its sure busy" instead I had stood there looking like some stupid girl who doesnt know how to put a sentence together. The bell than rang "Oh great now I was late to class" I slammed my locker and headed to my first class "What else could go wrong"
Okayy well right off the bat we have our first situation here, and that's the lack of paragraphing. At the moment its quite a bit difficult to read because the dialogue and all of it is in one giant word splooge and that doesn't lend itself too well to having a proper flow here. So I'd suggest breaking this up along the dialogue and possibly into a couple of paragraphs from this person's arrival and interaction to what happens after.
Moving past that though, this is a neat enough scene here. Sure, it does look like its going to need a bit of work there in terms of making things more unique since this is a rather common sort of situation but since its so early into the story that's not too massive of a problem, just something to keep in mind.
Other than that, the characters are believable enough, the dialogue was realistic as well and for the most part you've done a pretty solid job with what you've got here. I think you could really do quite well with this idea here. I saw the earlier part as well and it seems to have good potential.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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