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Little Lies

by Little Dreamer


Prologue

Do you remember when you were young, I do. Id give anything to go back just to fall in love with the man whos now my husband of 15 years. We met in high school and I knew it was love at first site, I was friends with his girlfriend at that time and envied her every time I saw her with him. He was one of those guys that you felt like you were falling into a black abyss for and would die if you didnt have him. Well before I go on any further let me introduce myself to you, my name is Crystal Rivers I'am not as young as I used to be but however I never regreat falling in love with Jonathon Summers.

Chapter One (Fall, 1950)

"Hey Crystal." Yelled my best friend Amber Jenkins. I looked in the direction I had heard her voice, she was trying to make her way through the chaotic cluster of students in her way.

(thats all I have time for)


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Thu Apr 28, 2005 9:57 pm
Areida wrote a review...



There's nothing wrong with having a story set in the 50's... that actually gives me more reason to read it. I find historical fiction fascinating. My main problem with your story is the spelling, punctuation, and not so great grammar.

Little Dreamer wrote:Prologue
Do you remember when you were young, I do. Id give anything to go back just to fall in love with the man whos now my husband of 15 years.


Eek. It should read: "Do you remember when you were young? I do. In fact, I'd give anything to go back just to fall in love with the man who is now my husband of fifteen years."

Well before I go on any further let me introduce myself to you, my name is Crystal Rivers I'am not as young as I used to be but however I never regreat falling in love with Jonathon Summers.


No. Please no. I hate it when characters introduce themselves... seriously, it's just not cool. It screams, "Hi, I'm a new writer and don't know my characters very well so I'll let them talk to you."

I don't have time to crit any more, but if you go back and fix grammar and especially spelling, I'd be happy to re-read it. Don't ever give up; I think you have potential.




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Thu Apr 28, 2005 9:38 pm
Kay Kay wrote a review...



Hey Jade! I like the way you started this one. Pretty much all I saw wrong with it was some of the grammer and puncuation like Mattie said. Did I spell punctuation right? LOL! I dunno. Anywayz, I can't wait till you get the story started. Keep me posted.




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Thu Apr 28, 2005 7:41 pm
Little Dreamer says...



Thanks I had feeling that no one would quite like it, what with it being sat in 50's but thanks and ill keep you up to date with the story




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Wed Apr 27, 2005 9:37 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



Dreamer! Short but sweet! I can't wait to read more of the chapter since I can't really critique on this short post. My favorite line was:

He was one of those guys that you felt like you were falling into a black abyss for and would die if you didnt have him.

You also need to check up on grammer and puncuation. Just read back through and you'll catch them. I think you were typing this on the interent then posted it so you missed a few things. Also, have you noticed all the buffy pictures around as avatars? I've seen three...good thing I didn't choose one because I was going to. The one I wanted was really cool too. Welcome and can't wait for your next post!





If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson