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Little Lies

by Little Dreamer


Do you remember when you were young, I do. Id give anything to go back just to fall in love with the man whos now my husband of 15 years. We met in high school and I knew it was love at first site, I was friends with his girlfriend at that time and envied her every time I saw her with him. He was one of those guys that you felt like you were falling into a black abyss for and would die if you didnt have him. Well before I go on any further let me introduce myself to you, my name is Crystal Rivers I'am not as young as I used to be but however I never regreat falling in love with Jonathon Summers.

Chapter One (Fall, 1950)

"Hey Crystal." Yelled my best friend Amber Jenkins. I looked in the direction I had heard her voice, she was trying to make her way through the chaotic cluster of students in her way.

(thats all I have time for)

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395 Reviews

Points: 34500
Reviews: 395

Thu Sep 20, 2018 7:12 am
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...

Hello there.

Popping in to give you a review that's very late in its arrival, but it's here now.

First off, I think you should have given yourself more time on writing this, as a single paragraph as a prologue and a small section for the start of chapter one isn't really too much information to go on. I think I saw the second piece of this later on the literary list, which is fine, but I feel like you would have been better off just adding more to this before posting. Especially since the prologue to stories is often ignored instead of actually being read, as most think of them as unnecessary. Or that the first chapter should be good enough to not need an additional piece.

As for the actual story, I feel that the multiple errors are very distracting, given how little words are really here. I'm also a little perplexed by the perspective here. At first, I thought that the "you" was going to be significant to the speaker, but it's actually the reader? I don't really like the direct address here, as I feel that it's just another way of bringing your reader away from the actual content.

In addition, I had a hard time understanding the second line without the words "again" as it almost read as her not knowing her husband anymore. I also don't really see the need for some of these details, as yes we know she's older now, (married for fifteen years) and I'm glad she doesn't regret marrying him, but the black hole metaphor sounded more ominous than romantic.

Overall, I think that this was too rushed in posting, needs a lot more to at least draw the reader in, and leaves me with a sense of indifference, as I didn't feel any type of spark towards this character.

That's all I've got for now.

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Points: 893
Reviews: 28

Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:49 pm
Hopkin wrote a review...

Hey what's up?

This seems like a interesting story.

I don't get the whole Id give anything to go back just to fall in love with the man whos now my husband of 15 years.

Plus the Id is supossed to be I'd, and also the I'am I'm, so just do some clear ups. ;)

I like the idea of her being friends with the girl that is girlfriend to the guy she really likes, or is married to now.

Just to say You usaully don't start a story out with someone saying something, not very professional.

There also wasn't that much I could read from, so you know.

Happy writing! keep up the good work.

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148 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Thu Apr 28, 2005 12:34 am
ohhewwo says...

It wasn't enough to get into, but I'll be sure to read your next entry of this.

The first sentence of the prologue sounded too essay-y to me. I think it should be changed.

"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening