Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! So I spotted chapter 26 of this story stuck in the green room and thought that maybe I should take a look at it from the start. If it manages to catch my attention well enough, I may just read through this whole thing in the days to come
First Impression: I really like where this appears to be going. This contains all the sorts of elements that I love to read...and there's a really good hook there right from pretty much the halfway point of this piece. I also loved the way you handled this fight scene here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ilami ran from the pursuer, short breaths accompanying her rapid steps. In her hand was a ball of fire she conjured, the only light source leading her through these dark alleys. She could hear the man’s steps behind her, trying to close the distance between them. She kept her running steady, knowing full well if she ran faster, she’d get tired faster too.
She took a corner and saw chairs kept at one side of the building, one placed on the other. In her way passed them, she kicked the chair at the lowest, prompting the ones on it to fall and scatter on the floor. Not glancing back, she hoped that would hinder the man. She needed to hide somewhere to form a plan to beat him. In front of her was a ray of light going through the gap between the buildings. She was about to arrive at the end of the alleys.
Oooh, well I'm already loving the start here. It seems like we've got multiple hints of magic going on and I do absolutely love to see some magic, especially at the very start of a story. We've also got a nice little chase sequence taking place here...and I love those too, so this is pretty much the perfect sort of start to hook me into a reading a story, so let's see where this takes us.
She emerged from the valley, attacked by the blinding afternoon sunlight. She leaned back on the wall of the building near the valley, waiting for the man. He would expect her to keep running instead of standing here for him. She took out the dagger from her tunic and held it in a ready position. Her breath slowed down, the stammering in her chest lessening. She hoped she was right.
A few seconds later, the man appeared, running passed her. Before he had the chance to glance around to check for her, she jumped from behind and stabbed his back. The man screamed in pain, stretching his body as if he wanted to get away from his wound. He managed to get away from Ilami and as he turned around, she charged again. This time, however, he was ready. His hand moved in a flash as it grabbed her wrist, sending waves of fear to her. His other hand went to his sheath, meant to get the sword out of it.
Oooh, daggers and swords, also another favorite, and a fight scene. This is starting to become really interesting really fast and I'm loving it. I like how you almost show her thought process as this fight begins. It's bordering on being a little too much telling, but I think its a nice extra dimension to the fight showing that these people know what they're doing here and having some experience.
Ilami quickly kicked it, sending the hand away. She twisted her wrist, loosening his grip on it and spun around, elbowing the man’s stomach. He released his hold. She adjusted her grab on the dagger and took a forward stab on him. He managed to dodge it, taking a few steps away from her. He unsheathed his sword now that he was at a safe position and sneered at him. With his sword, he had the advantage. Ilami had been meaning to take him out before he could use it, but it seemed she underestimated the man when he didn’t wield a weapon.
Loving the beats of this fight so far, you've got a nice little back and forth going on and then with the man suddenly possessing an advantage that Ilami here does not see coming, we've got a good little flow. You can also start to see sort of the skill levels of the people involved here and it all comes together to make a pretty neat scene.
Taking a deep breath, she knew it was time to put her practice to the test. Holding her dagger with both hands, she uttered, ‘Ignis waracia.’ Flame wrapped around the weapon, but she had to say more. ‘Ignis legacia harizanis.’ The flame melted the dagger into non-existent and lengthened itself, forming a fire sword. Ilami looked at it with wide-eyed satisfaction. Her first fire sword. She succeeded.
Oh yes...this is..going along on an awesome path right now...magic and combat mixing like this is one of my favorite ways to see fights go down...and while I think its going to make for an interesting change to have this be Ilami's first time using this particular spell, this promises to be rather exciting and I'm here for it.
T
he sneer on the man’s face vanished, replaced by snarl. Without a proper sword raising, he charged, his weapon ready at his side. Ilami charged too, but not with as much confidence as the man and with more hesitance and anxiety. Their swords clashed with each other and Ilami’s was the one to get swayed, unable to block the force behind the man’s sword. As it left her opened for attack, the man thrust his sword to her stomach. Before it reached there, she kicked his groin, forcing him to groan and retreat his attack.
Not wanting to leave this opportunity wasted, Ilami crouched, then charged. She screamed, putting her all into the fire sword, held in front of her horizontally. The man looked up from soothing his groin and manged to block her sword with his in time. Taking a risk, she used her free hand to grab the man’s wrist, circling it tightly, so tight that he winced and loosened his grab on his sword. It fell on the floor, letting her fire sword to move again unhindered straight to the man’s shoulder. It sank on his skin passed his cloth, letting a raw scream to escape from the man’s mouth.
Okay...this is going along well here. I feel a couple of those explanation in the point I've left in bold got a bit too long and interrupted the fight's flow somewhat. I feel like you can understand the parts mentioned in those phrases through the actions going on and this only serves to slow the pacing down a touch too much. I do like how we've got some physical injuries, makes the fight seem that much more real in that sense. This is altogether coming across as a really well done fight scene.
Ilami winced hearing that and retreated her sword. He fell to the ground as the she kicked his feet. His eyes were close, enduring the pain from his back that was against the ground. His shoulder on the other hand gained a long gash of wound. Ilami bit her lip. She meant to beat the man, not to kill him. He had nothing to give her a reason to do so. She pointed her fire sword to his neck. ‘Surrender and the test will be over.’
He looked at her and laughed. It sounded bitter and empty. ‘Didn’t she tell you? The only way for the test to end is for one of us to die.’
She kept silence. No way. ‘She told me I only have to beat you.’
Oooh, so the man actually collapsed from that wound, I wasn't expecting it to be quite as bad of a blow as that, but well, I suppose the fight is at an end. Aaand we got some very intriguing dialogue. It looks like this whole thing is part of some test to prove their worth or something along those lines...and Ilami is just having it revealed to her that this is a death match of sorts and she's clearly not on board with that particular turn of events.
His hand reached to the wound on his shoulder. He let out a groan as he touched it. ‘What do you think she meant by that? She only thinks of one way for one to beat another.’
‘No,’ she said. The word came out low and reluctant. ‘It couldn’t be.’
He sighed. ‘End my life,’ he said. He fixed his attention to her sword. ‘That’s the only way for you to pass this test.’
The fact that he almost begs for her to end his life suggest that whatever this test is, he's either really loyal to the ones who run it or...he's just a bit too ashamed at losing to someone who seems fairly new to the art if the whole fire sword explanation was any indicator. Either way, it makes for a really interesting detail.
Ilami shook her head slightly. She knew she had to take the test since she realized what it meant to be the principal’s daughter. She had to be the best. But she didn’t want to kill others to achieve that. Her mother couldn’t want this from her. She shouldn’t. What was on her mind when she formed this test for her? No. The man lied. It might be a part for the test. ‘You’re lying. The test is over.’
‘I did not. This is the truth. If you don’t believe it, it means you don’t know your mother well. Venaria is the most merciless woman I have ever met.’ He paused. His eyes glimmered with plead. ‘Please. She has my family. Me dying would save them from torment.’
Hmm, some facts getting dropped in the background Ilami, and I'm loving it. I always love to see stories where we jump into the action and have the backstory be revealed more gradually. Its a lot more interesting than having just a ton of history lessons essentially be the first chapter.
Also...wayyy more valid reason than what I theorized earlier there...now that seems to suggest that we've someone very ruthless running some kind of dangerous organization or something along those lines. Principal is a very interesting choice of title there.
She gasped. Mother would go that far? His life was on the line and he wanted her to end it. No lie could a man utter about that. ‘I-if that is true,’ she said, nervousness welling in her throat, ‘then you can end it yourself.’
‘No!’ the man screamed, trying to get up, but the wound on his shoulder forced him to stay lying on the floor. Tears started to flow down his cheek. ‘She has watchers for the test. Those that can’t be detected. If they tell her I died not because you killed me, the test would fail too. You have to end it yourself. I know you don’t want to do it, but that’s the best for both of us.’
Well, it looks like she's not exactly the biggest fan of her mother, but she didn't expect her mother to force her to have to kill anyone. All of these are making for some really interesting details here and I'm loving this. Her not willing to be a killer though seems to be the sort of thing that can and will set a plot in motion...so well let's see where this goes.
Silence ensued, and, unable to bear it, Ilami shook her head again. ‘I refuse! I refuse to kill you, to submit to this stupid test.’ Her body shook. The thought of killing someone was disturbing.
The man continued to watch her, prompting her to look away. ‘I understand if you think this is unfair, unnecessary.’ He paused. ‘But if you want to fight against it, this is not the way. You are too young. You have potential. I can see one day you would be a force to be reckoned with. But not now. Kill me.’
Huh...that seems to suggest some kind of potential rebellion in the future of sorts...where this man is advising her that she must do as her mother says in this moment and bide her time until she can actually make a change. I do get one nitpick though, if there are folks spying on this confrontation, would that be a safe thing to say?
Looking at the man again, she started to cry. She wanted to blame everyone. The man, her mother, the world. Why was she born to do this? she didn’t want this! But as she looked at the man’s pained expression, she knew she had no choice. The choices were laid bare by her mother, and she knew at the end, Ilami feared receiving death more than she feared delivering it. Slowly, she held up her fire sword with her trembling hands. She raised it high before forcing it down to the man’s chest. The man startled, blood pouring out of his mouth and his chest, soaking his tunic, before he went motionless. His pained expression, wide eyes and open mouth, stayed still.
She fell to her knees and touched the man’s face. Gently, she closed his eyes and mouth. Facing to the sky, she let out a soul-piercing scream.
Well...she could've picked a slightly less painful death..it is a fire sword, so I think a swift decapitation would've been much more merciful than the considerably slower death by stabbing to the chest, especially cause hitting the heart is a notoriously difficult thing to do and hitting anywhere else equals...yeah just a loot of pain and terribly slow death.
At any rate, a powerful ending, I can see this isn't the end of the chapter itself, but uhh, this does make for a great cliffhanger and I definitely find myself wanting to know more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I'd say this makes for a really good start here. There are soo many questions to ask, so much being shown in this pretty short little scene and I can safely say I'm interested enough that I will at least be looking into the next part of this first chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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