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That Lone Man

by Liberty500


I look out the window

and I hear a shot,

under the sun that's hot.

And see him falling.

That lone man.

No one can protect him;

Not me, not you, not anyone

I run out.

Why did this have to happen?

I cry and cry more.

He's dead.

My grandpa is dead.


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Sun Apr 28, 2019 5:26 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a short but intense poem! You conveyed good emotion in just a few lines... and I didn't expect that ending. I mean, there was already emotion with the first few lines talking about someone getting shot. Though, that last line really tied the emotion in with that person actually being this character's grandfather. I think it's sort of mysterious that the grandfather was shot during the day... I wonder what happened? This makes readers think of so many possibilities... and I like how these possibilities never really end.

under the sun that's hot.


To the idea of the rest of this poem, I feel like this line is just a filler. Meaning, it's not really necessary. I can see that it does rhyme with the previous line... but this seems sort of random since the rest of the poem doesn't have a consistent rhyme scheme. So, I don't think you need this line here, because the idea of this character mentioning the sun at this moment also seems kind of random!

Anyway, great poem! I liked the overall idea of it.

Keep Writing :)




Liberty500 says...


Thanks for the review! I'll be making a second version of this poem so if you wanna check that out some other time, that'd be wonderlandiful! <3



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Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:32 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Liberty!

What an eerie piece you have here. Such an intense story told in only a few lines. Someone's grandpa being shot at midday, like that is scary stuff. They must live in a sketchy or dangerous area.

I do wonder why the speaker would run out to their grandpa who had just been shot in front of them? It would be interesting if you added to the poem to tell of her fate 'cause I feel like she's just gonna die next. Why would they leave her alive? Or if they leave her alive, that's a good thought for the speaker to contemplate in this poem.

I do like this setup for the environment. Already, it's such an important detail 'cause these kinds of situations tend to happen at night. Someone getting shot at midday where everyone can see? That's cause for speculation, so that's a great detail to throw in there. It changes the story dramatically.

"Under the sun that's hot" got a little wordy. I can see it's trying to rhyme with the line before it, but the rhythm is far too off for it to flow very well. I'd simply go for a "blazing sun" or something like that. Your poem isn't really a rhyming poem, so there's no reason to force any sort of rhyme.

I also think the lines "No one can protect him; / Not me, not you, not anyone" are SUPER good, very dramatic, just seems a little out of place 'cause he was already shot by this point. It seems a bit late now to try to protect him, and someone like this speaker, as worried and panicked as they are, would just jump to sheer... well, sheer panic for his fate.

I really like how dramatic it ends, too. It's super appropriate, it really sets the tone for the speaker's emotions and what they're going through. This isn't someone who's quiet and contemplative, it's someone who's scared and worried and loves their grandpa that much. So much that they'd watch him get shot then run out immediately despite knowing that the shooter could still be there. It's crazy how a few short lines can really determine someone's character!

You have a really neat piece, and it's so... goosebumpy. I think I would like to see a little more imagery, or just stronger vocabulary to help set the imagery more, 'cause it seems to just be left behind by that one line about the sun, and the environment can tell a lot for a story, like what I said earlier about a midday sun being very different from a full moon. Time of day changes the story dramatically.

Actually, now that I think about it, even the title could back this up. I'm terrible with titles, so I usually just pick out a word or phrase from the piece I wrote and use that. Here, I'd have chosen "That Lone Man" or simply "Falling" like the previous reviewer suggested, only dropping the article. But I can also see you using the title to set the stage for this narrative, like "Mafia's Price" (maybe grandpa was in the mafia, made a mistake, and is paying the price for it or the ultimate price for running), "Victimized Brutality" (perhaps it's about an innocent man falling victim to a shooter), "Duel of the West" (like a duel out of a western), and so on and so forth. Tons of possibilities if you chose that route for your title.

I like what you have though! It's simple and dramatic. There's a ton of ways to interpret this poem, and it's fun leaving these kind of pieces open for the reader to decide themselves what happened. As long as it's not too vague!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Liberty500 says...


Thanks for the review! :D Like you said, I don't have much rhyming into this poem, I know. I don't want to always force the rhymes in, 'cause then the poem doesn't come from my heart, you know what I mean. I sometimes look up better words if the rhyming is so hideously horrifying. But that's only happened a few times. ^_^ And, also, about the 'adding detail', I def agree with that. I'll make a second (better) version and you can check that out and tell me what you think. Again, thank you very much!



JabberHut says...


Anytime! I look forward to reading your revision. :D



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Tue Apr 16, 2019 1:21 am
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Horisun wrote a review...



Oh, wow... I didn't expect that.

First, if this has some deep meaning, I'm sorry about your Grandpa, if it's just a poem, good poem.
So, at the beginning, you rhyme once, but then you never do it again. It's inconsistent. Also, I think maybe there should be a coma after I cry, and before and.

This was a good poem, keep on writing!




Liberty500 says...


Oh thank you! I didn't have any other ideas for rhymes, and I didn't want the rhymes to sound forced... but thanks, I'll get to the comas right away!



Liberty500 says...


And it's not true. My grandpa on my dad's side passed before I was born... I never got to see him... :(



Horisun says...


Oh, I'm sorry.



Horisun says...


Oh, you could call it The Falling.



Liberty500 says...


I will give it a go! ;) Thanks. And, its fine.




For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn