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The Falling (Any suggestions for title will be accepted and tested.)

by Liberty500

I look out the window

and I hear a shot,

under the sun that's hot.

And see him falling.

That lone man.

No one can protect him;

Not me, not you, not anyone

I run out.

Why did this have to happen?

I cry and cry more.

He's dead.

My grandpa is dead.

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106 Reviews

Points: 137
Reviews: 106

Tue Apr 16, 2019 1:21 am
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Horisun wrote a review...

Oh, wow... I didn't expect that.

First, if this has some deep meaning, I'm sorry about your Grandpa, if it's just a poem, good poem.
So, at the beginning, you rhyme once, but then you never do it again. It's inconsistent. Also, I think maybe there should be a coma after I cry, and before and.

This was a good poem, keep on writing!

Liberty500 says...

Oh thank you! I didn't have any other ideas for rhymes, and I didn't want the rhymes to sound forced... but thanks, I'll get to the comas right away!

Liberty500 says...

And it's not true. My grandpa on my dad's side passed before I was born... I never got to see him... :(

Horisun says...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Horisun says...

Oh, you could call it The Falling.

Liberty500 says...

I will give it a go! ;) Thanks. And, its fine.

It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind