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hurricane

by Liberty


sometimes i can see the wind, standing tall, poised, ready to huff and puff and blow everything away. blow all of it away. taking a deep breath, barely thinking it over, and all anyone hears is an angry whoosh. sometimes it's a long one, lasting for days at a time. other times it's short and simple but just as destructive. sometimes i can see the wind gently caressing the small, delicate trees, sympathizing with its few leaves. at times, the wind fiercely roars at the bigger trees and - snap - breaks it in half, just like a pencil. it's all gone.

then silence; deafening silence.

no one can hear anything, not by far, no.

nothing could get worse, could it?

all of a sudden, a rush of wind. it happened so fast. some are lucky. some aren't as much.  everything's torn apart, scavenged through like garbage by raccoons. uprooted trees. fallen buildings. fatalities. sirens. 

it takes time, work, and effort, but it all comes back together with everyone's help.

-

A/N: lack of capitalization was a choice! also, this is my first prose poem since... ever? it was sort of meant to be an extended metaphor, between hurricane and life, but i dunno, please poke at it and give me all the tips c:


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Fri Mar 05, 2021 7:13 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



I would say you can definitely classify this as a prose poem! :) It's got a little free-verse in there, but you don't have full-on line breaks and stanza breaks, so it counts!

AND .... I like it! I remember you went through a hurricane right? last year? That definitely makes it even more impactful for me to read, knowing that the poem is informed by real experiences, and I think you've done a great job just bringing together all these intense feelings in this reflection for you readers to be able to get a small taste of the intensity of that experience.

I think the way you've ordered your thoughts, punctuation, and spacing is really effective. For instance that short line "it's all gone" all by itself is super dramatic and poignant, and then followed by "then silence; deafening silence" with a great big space, nice usage of form mimicking content!

In a poem that's really intense like this, you want to make sure the metaphors / images / language you use all line up with the same intense mood to not distract the reader. The allusion to the three little pigs I think was alright because you didn't linger on it, but turned it into an almost darker image. The metaphor of "scavenged through like garbage by raccoons" felt like it hit a bit wrong. It might be because I normally picture raccoons as cute and mischievous rather than like chaotic and dangerous - you may want to go for a darker / more depressing critter like vultures, or something?

Another small-critique, I felt like the closing line didn't quite feel like what the poem was leading to. It's a good sentiment, and a hopeful ending, but none of the other pieces are about community or even other people's reactions, just the speaker's observations. There's also not a lot of time to process the gravity of the line that precedes it about fatalities and sirens, before they're already rebuilding everything. If the hurricane is a metaphor for a person's life, I also don't really see how the ending line fits into that.

A real strength of this poem was definitely the vivid emotional language and imagery you use though! You've found a lot of strong images to describe the hurricane.

I think the most interesting aspect of the poem is that the first word is "sometimes" which I think hints to the reader that this isn't a single hurricane experience the speaker has experienced, but metaphorical storms they go through in life - you might work through a bit more of those metaphorical connections - what do the wind / destruction translate into in real life? You don't necessarally have to spell the metaphor out, but I think you could hint a bit more about it, just to help the poem connect even more to readers.

Thanks for sharing your poem Lib! I enjoyed reading it! (and hope to see more of your poems in April!! <3)


~alliyah




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Tue Mar 02, 2021 9:55 pm
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chikara wrote a review...



'Ello!

sometimes i can see the wind, standing tall, poised, ready to huff and puff and blow everything away.


I see the Three Little Pigs reference, but honestly, not feeling it. It just feels off because of the subject being a hurricane. But I mean, if we're talking symbolism, the wolf embodies economic struggles and the three little pigs were common people struggling to get by. Hurricanes can be considered that, too.

the wind fiercely roars at the bigger trees and - snap - breaks it in half, just like a pencil.


Once again, not feeling it. I visualize trees and water flying all over, and then a pencil? I get what's trying to be said, but I don't really think it's happening for me.

then silence.

deafening silence.


Maybe a semicolon would make this more powerful?

no one can hear anything, not by far, no.


I was going to pick at this, but I actually searched it up, and hurricane waves do in fact rupture eardrums! They can also break bones sometimes, which isn't great. I don't know if that was on purpose or just a coincidence, but it works.

it takes time, work, and effort, but it all comes back together with everyone's help.


This kind of came out of nowhere. I think there could be some more build up to everything being repaired because that just feels disconnected.

Ahhhh I really loved this! I can see what you were going for with the extended metaphor, and it all just worked nicely together!

Good job!

lum




Liberty says...


ahh thanks so much for the review!!

I was going to pick at this, but I actually searched it up, and hurricane waves do in fact rupture eardrums! They can also break bones sometimes, which isn't great. I don't know if that was on purpose or just a coincidence, but it works.

actually, in the middle of hurricanes, there's the eye of the hurricane, the most peaceful time out of the whole hurricane, and then the rest of the hurricane occurs, and it's usually always worse than the first half of the winds. i mean, i've watched videos and also been in the middle of two so i'm basing it off what i know xD

thanks again!! i'll look over your review again when i rewrite :)



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Tue Mar 02, 2021 8:59 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



hey there, stygianmoon17 here for a review :))

For your question, this is not exaaaaaaaactly a prose poem. More like a.. paragraph poem..?
let's just say it's freestyle <3

This is a great work and I just could totally visualise the hurricane as the poem unfolded ! There's great description and imagery, but I felt like something lacked. The actual description of the hurricane.
What I mean by that is a description that uses all five of our senses,
in here we've got
-hearing
-kinda see

but maybe like how a stormy day tastes like (it sounds weird but it exists),
and even though smell doesn't really work in the case of describing storms, maybe the smell of moisture, or the smell of wet grass.

I felt like the hurricane, fr having its name in the title, is really under-described. You describe what it causes, but not really what it looks like. And hurricanes are incredible to watch so kind of a missed opportunity there.

Then again maybe it's for the tone of the poem, a sense of mystery to the hurricane, or leave it to our imagination to create the hurricane-
-so overall, great poem !




Liberty says...


ooh I didn't think of adding the other senses, I feel like it'll make the "freestyle" (haha) poem a biiit longer and more descriptive - that's what you mean, right?

thanks so much for the review!! it was really helpful :')





well freestyle is basically doing whatever you want with no poetry restrictions, so yeah ! Totally :D




Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"