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by Liberty


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421 Reviews


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Wed Sep 25, 2019 2:28 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Liberty! Tuck dropping by for a quick review.

Overall, I found this a very well-thought-out plot, and the quick pace kept me engaged throughout the story. However, I noticed a few areas where you could improve, and I'll give you my thoughts on the POV-switching as well.

First things first, the POV switching. I actually have some fairly mixed feelings about this because it did a good job of showing the emotions of each character, but I think you should make sure that you're switching no more than twice in an installment to prevent the reader keeping track. I hope that was helpful to you in some way, even though I couldn't give you anything super definitive.

Although I liked the quick pace, I felt as if it was a little too fast. There's a lot of major plot points happening in this, and I felt as if you could have taken it a little slower to give the reader time to adjust to the characters, the setting, and the general plot.

I retreated to my room which was upstairs a long with all the other rooms - the two guest bedrooms, my parent's bedroom, and the two bathrooms. I changed into sweats and a green t-shirt and laid down on my queen sized bed. I switched on the golden lamp that was resting on my side table and took out my Mac Air laptop from my bag. I opened and new word document and started working on an email that I had to send to my latest client. He asked me for some land and now, I shall I email him and tell him that I will meet with him sometime soon and we will discuss the process.


One thing I noticed in this section is that every sentence starts with the same structure, and it makes the paragraph quite dry. I would encourage you to vary it by changing the beginning of the sentences, adding some compound and complex sentences, throwing some phrases in the beginning, etc. It would make this section more interesting and enhance your writing style immensely.

Hopefully this review was helpful to you, and if you have any questions for me, just let me know and I'll get back to you! Enjoy the rest of your night!

~Tuckster




Liberty says...


Very very very helpful review! Thanks so much. :) I'll get to editing later. ^^ (totally not a procrastinator)



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Thu Aug 22, 2019 12:56 am
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Horisun says...



Hey Liberty! Like your new avatar! I've never read the story this is based off of, sooo yeah...
Alright, so I am already very interested in where this is going, I got a general idea on who the characters are, and what they believe, so that was really great! The reading was very smooth, and it was a really great read! This story could really go somewhere grand!
Like I said, I've never read the original story, sooo maybe there is some piece of information I am missing… And I don't know if you can do anything about it, if it's a huge part of the original story, but I just thought I'd say that I feel it's a little odd that the dad and aunt want the boy to marry her cousin. That'd be super awkward at family reunions...
"Ah, hello Anthony. I saw that you got married last month, who is the lucky girl?"
"Thank you, Uncle Joe, my lovely wife is named Jenny, Aunt Gabbies daughter."
"Wait... Isn't she your cousin?"
"..."
Idk, just thought it was a little odd, I thought at the very least, if you weren't willing to change it, maybe the characters would think it's a little odd, ya know?
Other than that, I really like this! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and keep on writing!




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234 Reviews


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Thu Aug 22, 2019 12:55 am
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hey Liberty! Like your new avatar! I've never read the story this is based off of, sooo yeah...
Alright, so I am already very interested in where this is going, I got a general idea on who the characters are, and what they believe, so that was really great! The reading was very smooth, and it was a really great read! This story could really go somewhere grand!
Like I said, I've never read the original story, sooo maybe there is some piece of information I am missing… And I don't know if you can do anything about it, if it's a huge part of the original story, but I just thought I'd say that I feel it's a little odd that the dad and aunt want the boy to marry her cousin. That'd be super awkward at family reunions...
"Ah, hello Anthony. I saw that you got married last month, who is the lucky girl?"
"Thank you, Uncle Joe, my lovely wife is named Jenny, Aunt Gabbies daughter."
"Wait... Isn't she your cousin?"
"..."
Idk, just thought it was a little odd, I thought at the very least, if you weren't willing to change it, maybe the characters would think it's a little odd, ya know?
Other than that, I really like this! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and keep on writing!




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review, Horisun! The marrying your cousin thing is actually real. People do that a lot. And I learnt it from the show, lol. :P Anyway, thanks again!



Horisun says...


:D



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Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:18 pm
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hiraeth says...



Nostalgia, liberty. It's nice to experience Humsafar in English :) <3




Liberty says...


;)



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Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:38 am
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Asith wrote a review...



Hi!
I like the story, it's gripping. Developing a story using entirely character interaction is pretty cool, and I think it works well here. For a story that's so short, the characters have been brought out pretty well!

One thing you might need to work on is pacing. I felt like the whole thing happened way too fast. Anthony made up his mind way too quickly; the news was delivered way too quickly; the parents fought way too quickly. These big moments take time, so they should be spread out over more words of writing. I liked what you did at the start, setting the scene by describing what Anthony does when he arrives. Stuff like that helps add stuffing to a story, so it doesn't go by too quickly.

Also, I found myself a bit confused as to who the characters were sometimes. Don't reference them by name until they're introduced to the reader, you know? I didn't know who Gabriella or Jenna or Zane were until I read a few more sentences and figured it out. It makes it tough on the reader.

The bit at the end with Anthony's phone chat was very well done. I liked the use of descriptions, and just the writing in general. More stuff like this throughout the story would be nice, I think




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!




"Honey."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi