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Rain | 3 Haiku Poems

by Liberty


Rain

I danced in the rain,

But I suddenly stopped ‘cause

I saw a shadow.

Rain (Part 2)

The shadow snatched me,

Snatched me away into the

Woods, then I found out.

Rain (Part 3)

The rain was pounding

Hard, I saw the creatures face

In the dim light. Ah!


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Thu Sep 05, 2019 8:08 pm
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Jaybird wrote a review...



I really enjoyed your spider web haiku, so here's my attempt at reviewing your series of them.

I've mentioned this in some of my other reviews, but you're really good at progressing stories naturally. It's especially hard to do something like that in a haiku - or even three of them - so I commend your efforts! It moves quickly but not too quick, just like how a kidnapping by a monster might go.

I also love how the title is a little deceptive - you think that it's only about rain, but it's actually about a monster appearing in the rain. It's a cool little trick that you pulled on the reader, and one that I'd love to see in future poems of yours!

This was already brought up in some of the previous reviews, but the biggest thing that this poem series currently needs is more stuff. There's a lot that you leave unsaid - what the narrator finds out, what the creature's face looks like, and what happens to the narrator after the final part. If you ever revisit this poem collection, I would suggest adding more to it! You could have a lot of fun describing your vision of the monster, and what you think it does to its victims.

I have a few other nitpicks, but none of them are major.

The shadow snatched me,

Snatched me away into the


Repetition isn't something that you use in any other part of this poem, so this part stood out to me when I was reading through it. It usually works well for emphasis - like in "Math" - but it doesn't work as well here. I just checked a syllable checker for a similar word with the same syllables, and "brought" looks like it matches that description! You're free to keep the original word, but switching it would make the second part more varied.

Your punctuation is also an area that you can edit. Here's an example of a line that can be changed:

The rain was pounding

Hard, I saw the creatures face


I would suggest putting a period here instead of a comma - without one, it reads like a run-on sentence.

But, other than that, your haikus look great! I hope this series gets a sequel sometime; if it does, I'd love to read it.

Image




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! ^^



Jaybird says...


You're welcome!



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Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:41 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Liberty, Casanova here to do another review for you.

Now this is much more my style, as I'll be reviewing this like three parts to the same poem, I hope that's alright.

Alright, so you dance in the rain, you see a shadow, the shadow kidnaps you, and then.. Something about creatures faces. Huh. Well, first off, I do like the first one(although, not to reiterate another review, the syllable count is off there), it is my favourite and other than that I don't really have anything to say on that one.

However, the second one I don't see happening right after the first one? I figured there would be some sort of interaction in a haiku that would be between the two. A talk, a look, a sound, anything of the sort I could happening before that happened. It's just too sudden, to out of the blue, for me to completely wrap my head around it.

Now, the third one. All it has in it is a creatures face, and a dim light. Honestly that one is my least favourite out of the three- as it doesn't really amount to anything like the previous two does. It doesn't really reach out to me as a part of the triology- because it just sorta lies there? I guess I would say.

I think that if you made this more of a series- sorta add things to it and take away a few, that you could get this to be really great with really not allthat much work, and I hope you can complete this.

Anyway that's all I have to say, so goodluck-

Cas




Liberty says...


Thanks again for the review. I can see why you don't like that last one very much, and I very much agree. I'll try to figure something out. And as for the syllable count - I'll get to that too. Soon. :)

Thanks again!



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Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:26 am
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



This is a really great idea... combining haikus to form a short story! Sometimes, it can be difficult to get a message across in such few syllables and lines, and you found a way around it! I like the imagery of the poems and the mysterious feel to it. I could feel creepy vibes just from reading this!

The second haiku ends with "then I found out". What did he/she find out? I think this is the only thing you need to clarify. Otherwise, well done!




Liberty says...


Yeah, I was trying to find out a way to do that but I was like... I'll keep everyone in suspense. XD And, thank you very much!



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Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:37 pm
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nogutsnoglory wrote a review...



I love this! I love the idea of putting together haikus to make a short story. The suspense is also very good, as the lack of explicit imagery helps lend a bit to the horror. It's very simplistic, but I think that's what makes it work so well in haiku form. Overall it's short and sweet while still having an impact. Great job!

Keep writing,

Oliver




Liberty says...


Thank you!!!



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Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:13 am
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CJ6233 says...



Hi! It's me CJ6233, I saw on your profile you needed a review, and I know you already have one but I thought because you helped me I should return the favour :). I like the style of the poem because I love creepy things, but I feel like with the line 'But I suddenly stopped 'cause' could be changed, especially the way you've written 'suddenly' you could maybe change it to 'but I was taken aback' ? It's 7 syllables so I don't know if that works for you, hopefully, I tried to keep it 7 syllables yano? Also the reason I removed 'cause' is because this way its more creepy, because if you ask a question it removes the normality from the sentence. Does that make sense? And the line after seems too blunt to me, sorry if that sounds rude, I think maybe you could have 'the shadows found me', that's also 5 syllables, it also adds more mystery like why have they found her? what has she done? why is she hiding? and with part 2 it could have a couple changes like maybe her running away and then they snatch her in the last line? and maybe change part 3 to her being a shadow or her recalling dancing in the rain as a distant memory? or her watching herself and saying 'I danced in the rain, but what I didn't know then, the shadows found me' ? im sorry if you don't like any of my ideas I just kind of ran away with them lmao. I hope this helps, feel free to use any lines you wish to, I would feel honoured. if you don't but take a little advice i'd be ok with that too. Let me know if I've pushed my boundaries by changing a lot. :D




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CJ6233 wrote a review...



Hi! It's me CJ6233, I saw on your profile you needed a review, and I know you already have one but I thought because you helped me I should return the favour :). I like the style of the poem because I love creepy things, but I feel like with the line 'But I suddenly stopped 'cause' could be changed, especially the way you've written 'suddenly' you could maybe change it to 'but I was taken aback' ? It's 7 syllables so I don't know if that works for you, hopefully, I tried to keep it 7 syllables yano? Also the reason I removed 'cause' is because this way its more creepy, because if you ask a question it removes the normality from the sentence. Does that make sense? And the line after seems too blunt to me, sorry if that sounds rude, I think maybe you could have 'the shadows found me', that's also 5 syllables, it also adds more mystery like why have they found her? what has she done? why is she hiding? and with part 2 it could have a couple changes like maybe her running away and then they snatch her in the last line? and maybe change part 3 to her being a shadow or her recalling dancing in the rain as a distant memory? or her watching herself and saying 'I danced in the rain, but what I didn't know then, the shadows found me' ? im sorry if you don't like any of my ideas I just kind of ran away with them lmao. I hope this helps, feel free to use any lines you wish to, I would feel honoured. if you don't but take a little advice i'd be ok with that too. Let me know if I've pushed my boundaries by changing a lot. :D




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Tue Jan 08, 2019 2:30 pm
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ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hi there, Liberty500! My name is Scarlett, and I'll be reviewing your poetry today. ^^

To start with "Rain" and "Rain (Part 2)" are both not 5/7/5. One is 6/7/5 and the other is 5/7/6. So your syllable counts are off there. Of course, you don't have to be perfect with this if you're just messing around and/or experimenting.

Sooooo, I like this concept. It's cool, and it gives me this image of a young boy or girl in the woods while it's raining being stalked by a monster, and that's just creepy, y'know? It's a really cool concept to explore, but I feel like you could do a lot more with this, and could be a lot more creative with your choice of words and imagery. Of course, if you stick to the 5/7/5 rule, you'd need to pay very close attention to the syllables of each word/line.

In the dim light. Ahhhhhh!!

I feel like the "ah" here, with all those "h"s is excessive and unnecessary, but feel free to ignore this.

Overall, you did pretty well here with the whole haiku thing, even if your syllables were off a little bit. A good idea is to use an online syllable counter if you're not sure about that part of it! It's as easy as googling "syllable counter". ^^

Also, "then I found out." Found out what? Your next haiku doesn't exactly give use anything to go on apart from seeing the face, and even then, you don't describe it. I think this might actually be better off as a free-form poem, not a series of haikus. If you ever decide to rewrite this or anything, feel free to let me know! I'd love to see what you can do with it!

Keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!




Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening