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Jilly (4)

by Liberty

A/N: My dear readers, I am so very sorry that this is such a short chapter. Forgive me. But enjoy and tell me what you think! :) 

Oh, and it'd be appreciated if you gave me a like too, if you liked this chapter! All you have to do is click on the star! You don't even have to give away any points! (Lol, when someone wants to make someone like their work... XD)

“So, when he left. We all saw that he had a coke bottle with him, am I right?” Mum looked at all of us. We all nodded. I had seen him taking it away with him too. But I didn’t understand what it had to do with what we all were talking about. “He had a knife stuck to it somehow.” she said.

The rest of us gasped. “B-but, how?” Deli said.

“Is that all you ask?” Mum said and laughed. Me and Deli giggled.

“Sorry to interrupt the positiveness, but, I have cameras in my house. D’ya think we should investigate those?” Dilan questioned. I looked at Deli trying to figure out if she knew she had cameras. She shrugged, “I’m cool with it.”

“Sweet!” He jumped up and grabbed his laptop from the coffee table. “Hmm, right here!” We all gathered around him and watched the video.

It was all black and white from the camera at the front door. We saw a car pulling up in the garage, a man jumped out. He opened the trunk and took out a huge box with the help of a few other people who had came out with him.

Then, in the next video, from the camera that was at the kitchen window, we saw that they brought the box in and uncovered it. They pulled out a lifeless deer, lion, and goat. The man who had jumped out of the driver's seat set them down on the kitchen floor and poured dark liquid stuff over them.

“My, oh, my.” Deli muttered. “Dilan, hon, do you know any of these people?” she started biting her nails, her habit when she got nervous. Her husband shook his head.

“Wait, go back a second to the animals.” Mum ordered. Dilan obeyed and went back a few seconds. “Pause it.” And, he did. “Look at it. Look at the way they put it out. They didn’t scatter them. The men put them in a specific order.” Mum pointed to the animals. “Strongest to weakest. Furriest to least furriest. See? But then look, they’re all four letters. And the alphabetical order is backwards!” She was pointing them out.

It was true. This was the order: Lion, Goat, Deer. I looked at them again. And again. And Again. It reminded me of something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Each animal was set in a very noble way.

“Mum, does it remind you of something? A sign by any chance?” I asked.

“It does, but, I can’t remember…”


“Mum! Deli! Dilan!! Oh my god!! I remember where I’ve seen it before!” I screamed at ten in the night from my room. A few minutes later, everyone was groggily filing in to my room.

“We were all sleeping, what is it?” Deli snapped. She hates it when anyone disrupts her sleep. She was in her sleeping emoji onesie. So was Dilan. They looked so cute like that!

“Remember the animals? The ones at your and Deli’s house?” I looked at Dilan, and he nodded. “Well, remember I told mum that it looked like some sign?” I looked at mum and she nodded. “And, I remember now!”

Everyone stared at me. “What is it?” mum asked, an edge to her tone. She really wanted to sleep.

“It’s the -” I was interrupted by a shrill scream outside. We all jumped. “God, what is that?” All of us rushed downstairs and checked outside. I was the last one to step out. There was nothing. We all cautiously went back inside and continued our conversation we were having earlier. “It’s the abandoned college.”

“What are you talking about?” mum said.

“It’s the crest!” I exclaimed. Everyone was staring at me in shock.

“No way.” Deli mumbled.

“Yes way.” I said. We all looked at each other. We were all thinking the same thing. “Tomorrow morning. At the front door.” I ordered, sternly. With that, Deli, Dilan, and mum, went their own ways, to their own rooms. Tossing the deer stuffy, I’ve always had since I was a baby, onto the couch I cuddled up under the covers, not wanting to have any nightmares from that deer that reminded me of the college’s crest.

Tomorrow morning, we were going to go to the college to figure out what was going on.

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Tue May 14, 2019 8:24 am
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's go ahead and get this fine work out of the Green Room now. :)

Well, right off the bat, I felt overwhelmed by the chapter opening. It seemed as if it opened in the middle of a random conversation, with no prelude, context, understanding of how they got to that conversation, etc. Granted, this is chapter 4, but the readers aren't reading it from chapter to chapter back to back. Even in books, it isn't advisable to get the chapter going in the middle of a conversation. I would recommend either backing up a bit and having the lead into the conversation open the chapter, or have the conversation in the previous chapter and open this chapter after.

I also noticed that there was an overall lack of drive in this chapter. There was a seemingly major plot development, but there wasn't much to make it seem all that significant. I think there was just a bit too much narration of events and conversations, a problem and a solution, and it lost the drive it should be gaining throughout the chapter. It was all well written as far as content, but it didn't feel as if it was advancing the story. This is unfortunate in light of the presence of a major plot development: the connection of the video footage to the college. The reader should get the sense that the plot is building and developing towards a particular end goal, and that seemed to be lacking here. Such an important discovery as this major plot development deserves more time in the spotlight.

I did love how you ended the chapter. If the opening could have been better, the closing was great. Definitely was engaging but without giving away too much of what comes next Very well done!

Keep up the good work! Y'all have something here, so keep working on it and sharing the chapters!

Happy Writing!


Liberty says...

Thanks for the review! I'll definitely look at the opening of the chapter. :D

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Points: 109
Reviews: 1

Sun Apr 28, 2019 11:59 pm
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Mezzie wrote a review...

Hi Liberty! Thought I would return the favour and review something of yours.

So throughout the entire story that you've put out, so far it's pretty interesting. You have good usage of vocabulary, your dialogue is tight and feels right, and the characters feel good for the most part.

Just a small typo on the 4th paragraph, you've capitalised "Again" when it probably shouldn't have been. Apart from that, I think you could improve on the story by adding in more elements of foreshadowing or foresight. I think that it goes a little too fast, and you can improve by adding more insight to the mystery. Small details! Maybe Jilly has a book about the sign in her bookshelf and she lazily looks over it in chapter 1. Maybe the doctor isn't quite right when he's introduced.

For the most part, it's very fun to read and Jilly is a fun main character. She's pretty easy going and I enjoy her getting the front stage. I just think slowing down a little bit could help draw attention to preciesly what you want to!

Yours- Mezzie

Liberty says...

Aww, thanks very much for the review! I'll look at that capitalization thing. Yeah, someone said something to me about the foreshadowing and foresight. I'll def try to put some o' that in, in the next few chapters. :D Again, thanks a million for the fantastic review! <33

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559 Reviews

Points: 14960
Reviews: 559

Thu Apr 04, 2019 9:57 am
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FlamingPhoenix says...

I'll try and review this soon. :D

Liberty says...

I'll be waiting!

The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price