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Jilly (3)

by Liberty


Mum was in the kitchen, whipping up a quick dinner; Dilan and Delilah were coming over. I was on the couch, relaxing.

“Jilly, can you get the onions from the pantry?” mum called out and I obeyed.

Riiiinng! Riiiinng!

I rushed to give mum the onions and went to my phone. Dilan. Hmm, wonder what happened now.

“J? It’s you right?” Dilan calls me ‘J’ all the time.

“Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?” I said into the phone and turned the call to speaker so mum could hear too.

“Um, actually, I’m sorry to say this but… we can’t really come.” He said. He sounded worried. Who sounds worried when saying they can’t come over for dinner? I wondered. I looked at mum who was frowning.

“Uh that’s okay. But is everything okay? You sound worried. What happened?” I asked. I recieved a long ‘buzz’ on the other end. “Dilan?” Again, I was replied by nothing; just the buzzing noise. “Dilan?” I said cautiously. I heard someone laughing. Then I heard the screaming of a woman. A young woman. Mum ended the call.

“We have to go. Get in the car.” Mum ordered. I flinched. She was talking to me in the way that was very rare. She barely ever talked like that. Only when she was freaked out to the core. I grabbed my coat and shoes, stumbling on mum’s broken guitar. I still can’t believe she broke it like that. Snatching the keys off the counter I ran into the car, followed by mum.

“Now is the time to drive fast, child, let’s go.” Again, she was talking in the freaked out way. I listened to her order and smiled as my mother flicked her brown hair to the side, her blue eyes shining. If she looked like she was ready for an adventure, why is she talking like that? I wondered. I shrugged the thought off and before either of us knew it, we were parked in front of the newly-weds’ house and were knocking on the door. I heard muffled voices.

“I see you brought company.” A man’s gruff voice said.

“No, we didn’t. I don’t know–” the familiar voice was interrupted.

“It’s no one.” A man said. He, too, sounded very familiar.

“I’m going to go check…” Mr Gruff said. We heard loud, heavy foot steps coming closer. We quickly hid behind a bush and peeked through the thorns and gasped at who we saw.

“Doctor Jayson!” we both said together.

“Musta been a racoon.” He smirked. He had a cigarette in one hand and a coke bottle in the other. He took a long drag and shut the door.

“I always saw something suspicious in that sewer rat!” I cursed. Mum looked at me and I looked at her. We both knew what the other was thinking.

“You take the kitchen, I’ll take the dining area.” Mum said. I saluted and tip-toed to the kitchen window. I climbed up the brick wall and looked through the window. I didn’t see anything suspicious, so I went in, painfully scratching myself all the way. I brushed myself and looked around for something that would help with our plan. I shiny object caught my eye. I grinned and snatched for the sharp knife. I opened the kitchen door and looked both ways and saw that everything was okay. I first went to the dining area and saw mum holding onto a metal pan. Wonder what that was doing there. Both of us creeped into the hallway again. I flinched when the metal pan hit the knife, making a cling noise. “What is that?!” Doctor Jayson said.

“It’s – It’s nothing.” Mr Familiar man said.

“You’re onto something, and I know it.” Doctor Jayson said.

“Stop – Please don’t hurt Dilan. He’s innocent!” The female begged. Me and mum gasped.

“Oh, well, Delilah, he was the one who came into my way and I shot him, and I saved him. Don’t you think I should get rid of him now?” Doctor Jayson said.

“Hey! Don’t touch her!” Dilan said. Me and mum peeked into the living room and saw Doctor Jayson facing his back toward us. Delilah saw us, but Dilan didn’t. “Deli, why in the world are you smiling like that?”

“Oh – no it’s nothing, I’m just remembering those times that Jilly and Auntie Heather would sneak into our house.” Delilah said. I’m pretty sure Dilan caught on quick because he nodded and smiled at Doctor Jayson. Then, he made a huge mistake by looking back at me and mom, which made the killer-doctor look back! “What are you creeps doing here?” he roared.

“Nothing,” mom smiled innocently, fluttering her lashes. “We were just coming over for dinner, that’s all.” I nodded along, hoping that the doctor would fall for it.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“They invited me for dinner.” The doctor said, putting down his coke and stepping out his cigerette on the carpet that we gifted Dilan and Delilah. Doctor Jayson walked to mom and asked her if she wanted to ‘walk outside under the moonlight’. She politely declined.

“Um, can we have our dinner now? With Delilah and Dilan untied? Please?” I asked. I noticed I still was showing the knife, so I quickly hid it behind my back and smiled.

“Fine.” The killer-doctor grunted. With that, he glared at Delilah and Dilan who were still tied to the couch and left with his coke.

The four of us cheered as soon as he closed the front door. Me and mum quickly untied the couple with the help of the knife I had grabbed. I went to the kitchen to get water. The couple must’ve been freaked! As I entered the kitchen I screamed in terror and ran to mum and the others. “Mum! The kitchen! It’s – it’s…” And with that, I fainted.

* * *

“Jilly?”

“Why isn’t she awake yet?”

“I don’t know.”

“Wake up!”

“Stop playing around! Do something!”

“What happened anyways?”

I was hearing so many voices. I tried opening my eyes, but they felt like they were glued shut. I opened my mouth and I heard people cheer. “You’re awake!”

I nodded. What did they mean? I tried opening my eyes once again and it did! “Mum? Where am I?” I said. I looked around me, Uncle Philip, Aunt Jewel, my cousins, mum, Dilan, Delilah.

“Oh dear! You’re finally awake! I’ll go tell the doctor to discharge you.” Someone said.

“Huh?” I was getting more and more confused as the seconds ticked by. Dilan stepped closer to me and said: “I saw it in the kitchen.” And it all came rushing back to me.

* * *

“Dilan, I still don’t understand.” Delilah said.

We were talking about the ‘incident in the kitchen’ that happened at Delilah and Dilan’s house. “What do you not understand? Do I have to explain it again?”

“Yes, please.” Delilah said as she sat down on the couch at our house.

“For the gazillionth time.” I muttered.

“Basically, you know when Jilly came back from the kitchen and fainted?” Dilan asked. Deli nodded. “Well, you and Heather were in such a shock that you guys called 911 and I actually went to look in the kitchen.”

Delilah then continued: “You saw a dead deer, lion, and goat. And they were bleeding badly. But the thing I don’t understand is that, how?”

“I have a suspicion that it may have something to do with Doctor Jayson.” I said. I was on the couch beside Delilah, rubbing her back. She’s quite a sensitive person. “Mum, did you see anything when he was leaving?” I said, looking at mum. She nodded her head from the open kitchen and finished cleaning the dishes. She walked into the living room and started explaining...


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Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:10 pm
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hiraeth wrote a review...



Hi Liberty! I'm here again to review your work! (i hope you aren't internally groaning ;) )

I'm gonna start with the nitpicks firts:

I got up and went to get the onions.

Since you've basically already told what the reader's going to do when her mum asks her about it, this repetition seems over kill. You could use something simple like: I obeyed. The reader would have understood.

“J? It’s you right?” Dilan calls me ‘J’ all the time. I don’t know why.

Again, this part slowed me down a little as I was reading. I feel like the last bit wasn't necessary: Why would she not know why someone gave her a nickname? Why should there be a reason anyway? It's shorter, easier to say, and everything else one might cook up. It's better to remove that, cuz it gives us a not-very-good (note i ain't saying bad) impression about our protagonist.

I was replied with a long ‘buzz’ on the other end.
Try starting with "I received a long......"

[quote] Only when she was freaked out of the core. [quote]
Sounds better if it's '.....freaked to the core,' or even better, just plain old 'Only when she was freaked out real bad.'

Hmmm, i admit, my opinionated nitpicks are getting kind of boring, so i'm just gonna comment on the story as a whole (which don't tend to but gotta start somewhere :) )

Your chapter's interesting enough - and yeas i haven't yet read the other parts, but i probably will as soon as i can find the time to do so. Grammar's good, i didn't see an obvious tense mix-up (which, trust me, happens to the best of us so keep your eyes peeled out for them). Punctuation could be better (remember that pointer i gave you on the last review?).

I feel as if i need to see a little more of our protagonist's personality; i don't get much from her (yeah, something's probably wrong with me and not her, but as a reader, i felt that i needed to type that out). I would also love having a few more descriptions (my imagination's feeling a little taxed out).
However, you definitely got me hooked, so great!

Keep up the splendid writing, and never stop - even during writers' block.




Liberty says...


Thanks a lot for the review, it def helped. And, lol, no, I'm not internally groaning. XD I'm happy to know that someone enjoy judging my work. In the good way, not the bad, so don't even try! Even though, I know you won't. Thanks again! <3



Liberty says...


Enjoys*



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Sat Mar 30, 2019 3:48 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here to give you a review on your chapter. I'll try and make it short, but be warned it might be long. :)

Okay so I'm going to jump write into the review.
So I only saw one things out of the whole thing that needs to be fixed.

Only when she was freaked out of the core.

Now I do believe the 'of' is supposed to be a 'to', I think it sound better if you change it to a 'to' but that is up to you.

Now there was one thing I wish there was a little more of. I think you could have added a little more description in, like your characters, they could use with a little more, like what did Doctor Jayson look like? And maybe the house, that could have used a little more.

Now I think I have lingered on the mistake enough now I'm doing to talk about the good things with your chapter.

First off I think the way you started your chapter was really well done. It's got me hooked and made me want to read more right away. The same can be said for your ending. I really wish you hadn't left it at a cliffhanger though, because now I'm itching to read more. But that is also good, it just means you will see me leaving a review on your next part.
I'm starting to get to know your characters quit well now that I'm getting into the story more, so I think that really good. I'm beginning to see how they act with specific things, like this thing now with Jayson.
Your also starting to billed up the tension which is partly driving me insane because I can't flip over to the next page!! So I guess I'll have to wait for the next part to find out what Jilly's mum said.

I really loved reading this chapter, and I hope I will see the next one soon on YWS. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend, and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Liberty says...


Thanks a ton! <3





Your welcome!



Liberty says...


:D



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Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:19 pm
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GigiNicole17 says...



WOW, this is really good. Suspenseful....I'm nervous now..lol. Great job!




Liberty says...


Have you read the previous ones?



Liberty says...


Thanks for the like, BTW.



GigiNicole17 says...


No, I haven't, I should go do that...lol no problem



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Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:48 pm
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MiniGem26 says...



:) Like this too!




Liberty says...


Thanks, I was wondering whether you asked for a tag on this or not... I forgot so i just tagged you! XD Thanks again!



MiniGem26 says...


You are welcome. (I am not sure either)



Liberty says...


Lol, kk.



Liberty says...


Thanks for the like!



MiniGem26 says...


You are very very welcome. :) Lol




"I think; therefore, I am."
— René Descartes